Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part XXXIX…
Kings' Landing…
The Fleas Butt District…Where Lord Hand Gomez Addams and his faithful aides Joad Tom and Thing were currently investigating the mysteriously sudden death of ex-Hand Jon Arryn…
Mysteriously sudden in so quickly following Arryn's review of the weighty Histories of the Houses of the Five…Not all that mysterious in that he'd croaked quickly from an aliment of some sort, possibly infectious.
"You see…" Gomez explained to Joad as they strode. "It's my belief, based on various experiments which it might be better not to go into too closely…." Cut to shot of captive renegade Tin Islander pirate, wildling marauder, and deserter from the Night's Watch, all in chains, in Addams dungeon, reluctantly submitting to incision of material from rather gross looking vial of culture to avoid the mandatory punishment of beheading… "…that many diseases are caused by infection from tiny creatures invisible to the naked eye but quite horrific when viewed by my stereo-optic glass. Once the infection breeds, only those already exposed to these creatures and their poisons survive, if they lived through a first infection." Cut to shot of happy Tin Islander pirate being released…In fact, Fearing Greatjerk's sis…With polite warning never to return and thanks for advancing the cause of Natural Philosophy.
Not so happy dead and suffering death prisoners left behind…
"Really? So only the strong survive disease as well as battle, my Lord?" Joad asked, intrigued.
"Hard to say if it's strength or just something in the family…Though that Greatjerk girl was darned spirited. Speaking of family, I shouldn't have to tell you that all we are about to encounter must remain a secret, on your solemn oath as a knight."
"Of course, Lord Addams…" nod.
Damn…It would be quite a tale to tell to the girls at the Middlefinger Palade…Joad sighed inwardly. Oh, well…Just the details of what everyone already knows. That Rob the Barf shoots blanks. And all the bastards, he's been associated with, here in Fleas Butt, are just that…Nobodies' bastards. And of course, more importantly…And again, as everyone in the kingdom knows…The Barftheron kids, cute as Tommy and My are, are likewise, not all in the family…
"Still, it's possible all Jon did, after the Histories alerted him to the fact that many of our kings lost their potency when carrying on a life of carousing and debauchery, was confirm that some of these kids were Bob's…In which case, spread the news far and wide…For the sake of the kingdom and Bob's rep." Gomez noted. "Ok…" he scanned a parchment scroll. "First stop of 121…Gentley Summer, at the King's Armory. Hmmn…Bob seems quite fond of this one or at least his mom. Apprenticeship at the royal armory doesn't come cheap. Thanks, Thing…" as Thing's hand emerged from the saddle of the horse Joad led and took the scroll. "Just wait here with the horse whilst we check this kid out. Joad…"
"My Lord, if I may…" As they entered the Armory…Attendants quickly lining up to form an honor guard and summoning the owner…
"How could I be sure they are or aren't?" Gomez smiled to Joad's questioning look.
"Well, I was more wondering if I should be prepared to kill anyone or everyone here…But, please…Your practical applications of Natural Philosophy interest me." Joad nodded.
"A simple test of the blood…Easy as pie and quite definite when no match is found."
"And if a match is found?" Joad, curious.
"Still not 100%, I'm afraid…But it should weed enough, along with appearance. I fear it might have been wrong of me to tell good ole Jon of it as a useful testing method for any of his bastards he might wish to confirm. But I was too surprised to hear the ole boy might actually have a few to put it together when he consulted me. He must have been seeking the truth about Bob's bastards as we are."
"I see…" Joad stiffening as the master of the Armory, a tall, strong-looking, somewhat hefty, and ever-devious-looking man, eyes rapidly shifting about, came down the row of apprentices…
Good boy, fine girl…Wipe that grease, dear…Chin up…Hands out of your pockets…The master, pausing to address various apprentices standing at attention… "Clarice, stop biting those nails…Frederun, you'll need a poultice for those scars…"
Did they just rob him as he passed? Joad stared as the apprentices grabbed at the master, taking cloth, a watch, a purse…
"Just a little training in certain useful skills…My Lord Hand Addams…" the master, nervously chuckling on reaching the two standing figures in their armor.
Hot armor, Joad noted to himself. If I'm not to kill anyone here, did we really need…?
"Always nice to see a teacher extend his pupils' vocational training…Master…Fagin, I believe?" Addams, offering hand which Fagin knelt to receive and kiss, slightly slobbering over.
"Most grateful thanks, my Lord…And we rejoice to once again receive a call from the King's Hand…"
"Yes…Up, man…" Gomez, pleasantly.
"Hmmn…Gentley?! That was my real watch!" Fagin, feeling the lack as he rose, turning to glare at a tall, dark-haired apprentice.
"Delightful children but a bit rambunctious at times, my Lord." Fagin noted, grabbing the proffered watch and returning it to his pocket. Giggles and tittering from apprentices in their two rows…
Yes…I will kill you if you take anything from me or His Lord Hand…Joad grimly eyeing the two rows of apprentices.
"As regards the last Hand's visit…" Gomez began…Fagin beaming…
"Yes, yes…Lord Arryn…Wonderful visit of inspection…He toured the whole facility…"
And came out with barely his clothes on, no doubt…Joad eyed the grinning apprentices…
"…But such a tragedy that such a fine man should then suddenly take ill and die, so soon after such a happy visit." Fagin sighed. "But such is life. And we have the happy balancing of your arrival, my Lord, to put all right again." Beam.
"Difficult act to follow, I'm afraid. But you named this fine, strapping lad bearing a degree of resemblance to King Robert I as Gentley, I heard?" Gomez looked over to Gentley who gave somewhat smug look to his colleagues.
See, another one here to prove I be King's blood…
Though, gods know…I not be crazy about yet another one of them tests…His look a bit down now.
"Yes, yes…Gentley was received by Lord Arryn himself…" Fagin rubbed his hands. "An honor to the boy and our shop as a whole. Our best apprentice, naturally… Gentley!" he roared.
Geesh…Last week it was the old Hand pawin' 'im over…Two weeks ago that red-haired priest lady of the King's brother fondlin' him…Now the new Hand up to gods' know what…Several apprentices frowning at Gentley. Swelled head, 'e's been gettin'.
Still, considerin' such as us as gets such attention from King and Lords usually winds up on the chopper or in the dungeon, 'e's welcome to it.
Honorable anonymity, that's the thing…Safety in obscurity as Master Fagin tells.
Gentley stepping forward, rather smug expression…Though a nervous eyeing at Lord Addams.
"So, you're the finest apprentice in the Armory, lad? I'm rather fond of making things myself." Addams, kindly. "Ever diddle around with gadgets and such, I mean besides the usual helmets and swords and armor trade?"
"Welst…Me Lord…" Adding at stern look from Fagin… "I's gone and fashioned meself a new invention or two, yes. Me latest, I showed to Lord Arryn…Tis a device for openin' metal cans. I adapted it from the tools we used to open up the armor for knights who done took one permanent or be just stuck in the can...The armor, sir."
"Really? A can opener? Sounds like you should patent that. Excellent idea for the trapped knight as well as foodstuffs stored in the new metal cans as opposed to our current, cut 'em open or break on a rock method. It could revolutionize the use of tin cans and open a whole new industry for the Tin Islands, curtailing their need for constant piracy to keep body and soul together." Gomez, eagerly catching mental fire. "Mind letting me have a look?"
Really love seeing that mind of the boss at work, Joad reflected, pleased at the awe-struck look of Gentley and the other apprentices…They may say he's crazy and he may well be but…Tis a fine madness.
"Indeed, my Lord…Take him, boy." Fagin, clearly pleased at the prospect of having the Lord Hand run the honor guard gauntlet.
"One thing missing when my Lord Addams is done and you lose two eyes…" Joad noted quietly to Fagin as Gomez followed Gentley.
Gods…How's a man to make a livin', on a government salary? Fagin sighed, but eyed the rows with menacing look, wave of hand…Keep off this one. Reluctant nods back...
But you've always said-sung, 'e've gotta pick a pocket or two, Master Fagin, several eyed him.
Not today, for the gods' sake, kids, his look back…As Joad sternly followed him, both following Gomez and Gentley.
Hmmn…Kid does have a little Barfthreon look, Joad thought. Say…Gentley? You don't suppose…? A fond mother might like rhymes…
Nah…Seems more likely Bob got lucky the one time…
…..
"Fine, very fine." Gomez at Gentley's work table, examining the device, lifting carefully. "Boy, you belong at the Citadel, studying the ways of Natural Philosophy and their application to practical matters. I'd bet you'd make a whale of a model train…A device I've come up with for testing transportation ideas and the fun of blowing up. Would that interest you, boy?"
"Aye, sir…Indeed. Me Lord." Gentley eagerly.
And just when do I get intro'd to my royal half-sibs? He waited, equally eager.
"I'll see to it on my return. But first, if you wouldn't mind assisting me with a little experiment in the said Natural Philosophy…?"
"This be another test of the blood, me Lord?" Gentley sighed.
"Lord Arryn did one on you as well?" Gomez eyed him.
"Aye…" Gentley raised arm to show scar of the lancet Arryn had used. "He did take a bit of the blood and carried it off. Does it says anything of import, me Lord?"
As in…Kneel ye all before the true and mighty King as Gentley I Barftheron mounts the Iron Throne…Given I know as well as the next that the Barftheron kids be not true stock.
"It could be, Gentley. Would you mind one more test, lad? I promise it won't hurt much." Gomez noted.
"Really, sir?" Gentley beamed. "It did hurt a…" he collapsed as Joad, at signal from Gomez, consent now received, struck him on head, knocking him out.
"You won't feel another thing, son." Gomez beamed. "Bring him over to our horse, would you, Joad?"
Always best to use an anesthetic with nervous kids in these tests, he noted to Fagin who nodded. "Surely best, my Lord."
….
The Tully-Cicero/Lannister border…
Tyrion on horse, facing Ser Arnold likewise on horse…Both under flag of truce…
"So Terminator IV?" Tyrion, cheerily… "How goes it? Your men enjoying the impromptu camping trip?"
"They ist doing der duty, mein Lord." Ser Arnold, dignified nod.
"Excellent. And I commend you for keeping your folks in line. I trust none of ours have violated the truce or given you any grief overnight?"
"All hast been well, mein Lord. The truce remains in force."
"Good, good. Well, just wanted to check in. Avoid any ridiculous incidents that might trigger a needless war. Hows the family back home? Any news on the boys? Did they get to try that saddle thing?"
"Indeed mein Lord. They did enjoy it very much, danke." Bow. "Mein Lady Addams said to thank you again regards that in her last courier note."
"Not at all, Ser Arnold. Glad to be of help. Well, I'll back to Father and let him know alls well. Keep your watch out for anyone trying to rile things up. So far there's been no new word from Kings' Landing after my brother's rash note threatening vengeance but I'm sure this is a plot against us all."
"So dost mein Lady think, mein Lord." Ser Arnold, gravely. "I am charged to keep such watch."
"As will we…Good to see you, Ser Arnold. Father will probably handle this tomorrow if we're still here and not fighting." Cheery wave.
"Mein Lord." Bow. Waving gauntleted hand back.
Ist nice little fellow that Lannister…Ser Arnold thought. Always cheerful.
"Ser Arnold…" Ser Barter de Honor, a Tully bannerman had ridden up to his horse… "Should we not attack while they're at ease? Victory could be ours easily."
"Dishonorable…" Ser Arnold frowned. "Und stupid. Lord Tyrion is only being friendly und keeps mit der truce. Und the Lannister army is not at ease but fully alert under Lord Tywin, beyond der hill der." He pointed. "Ve attack ve charge fortified lines and haft der big slaughter." Narrow look to Ser Barter… "You have the usual stink of treason upon you, Ser. Vatch yourself. You only got der pass cause Lady Maud indulges der ole boyfriends…Once. Und only once." Grim stare.
"Just a suggestion, Ser Arnold." Shrug.
Geesh…That's really all it was…No one's even offered me a bribe for treachery yet, as he rode back.
….
The Royal Armory…Apprentices singing…
"Consider yourself at home…Consider youself a one of the family.
We've taken to you so strong…
It's clear, we're going, to get along.
Consider yourself , well in/
Consider yourself a part of the furniture.
There isn't a lot , to spare.
Who cares?..What ,ever we've got, we share!
If it should chance to be…
We should see…
Some harder days.
Empty larder days…
Why grouse?
Always-a-chance we'll meet…
Somebody…
To foot the bill."
("Yes." Fagin, sighing to the pleasantly listening Lord Hand and Joad. "We have not seen the customary food and clothing allowance in some time, my Lord. Not to complain, but…It has forced us to seek…Other sources of revenue.")
…Then the drinks are on the house!
Consider yourself our mate…
We don't want to have no fuss,
For after some consideration, we can state.
Consider yourself
One of us!" Cheers…
"Wonderful singing, boys and girls." Gomez, nodding. "I understand your situation, Master Fagin. Things have been going a bit to seed but I'll see to your budget asap."
"Most grateful thanks, my Lord." Fagin nodding. "It's a blessing your coming, I see that." Beam.
"As to the other sources of revenue…The pickpocketing at least stops."
"My Lord…A mere game that, employed only of necessity, has saved the lives of my dear children…But of course…" bow to Gomez' look.
"As for your selling the services of your apprentices as spies to both Middlefinger and Lord Verysmuch…" Gomez, shrewd look to Fagin's startle.
(Damn, damn, damn, damn…Verysmuch frowns at his office chair. I underestimated him, by all the gods.
I guessed he'd guess…Middlefinger shrugs from his office swivel chair to us.
Did not…Verysmuch frowns from his…
Did…Middlefinger, beaming.
Shit…Verysmuch, darkly. By the way, where can I get one of those swivel chairs?)
"My Lord?"
"Come now…An army of clever young imps, in need of ready cash to survive…Of course you rented them out to the most scheming lords in the kingdom…" Gomez smiled.
That's why, crazy as he may be considered…He's my boss. Joad notes to us, with smile.
(I thought I played the earnest, devoted minister very well…Verysmuch, dolefully. Does this mean he never trusted me?)
"I imagine Lord Lannister, or at least the Queen, has made use of your…Services…As well."
Sigh from Fagin as Joad eyed him.
Best to fess up, fella…
"Well, my Lord…Given the situation…The needs of the many…And all claiming it was for the greater good of the kingdom…" Fagin, anxiously. "It was all for my children, my Lord…And only the best and most capable…Voluntarily…"
"Well…It will be for the good of the kingdom now, Master Fagin. Your clever little ones work for me, now. Though they should continue to claim to work for their respective employers. By the way, that one…Girl? Come here." Gomez waved to a pretty, delicate-looking short girl of about nine or so who gave him a winsome look.
"Are you one of Verysmuch's? I know I saw you earlier near his offices."
(Godsdamn…Verysmuch. Next he'll figure out I'm constantly monitoring him by ways known only to myself.)
"Father, sir?" gently tearful look.
"Go ahead, Clarice…" Fagin sighed. "We can trust…By cruel necessity…" he eyed Joad's slight look of menace… "Our Lord Hand."
"Right, sir. Yes, sir. I be one of Lord Verysmuch's sparrow network. A top agent, I ams." Proud tone.
"And top agent for me you shall be…" Gomez kindly. "I just want you to let me know whatever you pass on to Lord Verysmuch and whatever you hear when doing so, as well as his order. Your mission, Clarice, should you decide to accept it, is to stop Verysmuch's plan to overthrow King Robert and bring in the Targaryen dynasty for a second round. Naturally while if you or your friends are caught or killed, the King's government will disavow any knowledge of your actions, if you are caught, you're free to tell all you know to save your lives and call on me for protection. Hows that sound?"
"Safer than trusting in the good nature of me Lord Verysmuch, me Lord Gomez." The girl nodded. "And I didn't know…" narrow look to Fagin who made depreciating gesture…And how would I know… "The kingdom was in danger from this. I'm in…Guys?" she turned to several attentive apprentices, a mix of young boys and girls. "Time to ante in and save the land from traitors, eh? We work for the government now!"
Lovely…They never pay on time…Fagin sighed.
(Fortunately…I have other means of intelligence…Verysmuch, archly.
No, of course I won't hurt the kids, treacherous as they may be…What do you think I am? Stare at us.
Wait…He knows about my plans for the Targaryens? Son of a bitch, damn…
When did I lose my magic ability to deceive? Godsdamn it.)