Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part XLII…
Subbasement halls underneath the Middlefinger Entertainment Palace…
Two cloaked and hooded figures making their way along the torchlit corridors, dank rock walls, slimy floors, the occasional squeaking rat scurrying by…
"Gods!" Joffrey gave high-pitched cry at latest said rat passing much too close…
"Just a rat, dearest…But I can hunt it down and skewer it for you if you like." Sansa, pulling back hood, presenting dagger concealed in her cloak.
"No, no…Lets just get this nonsense over with…" he peered down the dank, rather grim hallway before them. "Are you sure this is safe? That that perv Middlefinger hasn't set us up? Dad and the City Guard or Uncle Jamie waiting to arrest and 'accidentally' kill me. I'd say 'us' but who cares about you?" sneer.
"If he betrays you I'll feign perverse sexual interest, then cut his head off slowly with this dagger, my love." Sansa, calmly. "But it's in his interest to meet with us and keep up his end, at least for now. There's been no civil war and no breech between the Bartherons and the Lannisters, even Robert and Cersei are reconciled. That's completely bad for him and his plans. He'll deal, I promise you."
"So long as he gets something and puts up as little as possible…" Joffrey noted. "Gotta admit it's a strategy I admire." Admire almost as much as I'm starting to fear you, you strange wretched creature…Fear and perhaps…No, no way…Damnit.
"Exactly. That's so shrewd, dearest. You have all the makings of a great King and Game Player, just as I always knew." Sansa beamed.
"Of course I do, you simp." He frowned. "Are you saying you doubted me and my godlike abilities?"
Sans? You do believe in me? Briefest of inward glows…
If so, you're crazier than I am. And that is saying something, even I know, and I'm a paranoic psychopath with mommie issues.
"Not for a moment, my Lord." She replied, proudly. "You're a true son of the House Lannister and…Ummn,..House Barftheron and you will succeed, I've no doubt."
"Ok…" sigh as they proceeded. "But are you sure we can negotiate successfully? I don't see we have many cards to play. Handy as your suggested appeal to his perverse sexual nature might be…"
Was that an appreciative smile I caught? Sansa beamed.
"You're the true heir by right…You command a following in the City…"
"A small collection of lickspittles and hangers-on who still hope holding with me could bring them wealth and position but at least will stay so long as it's profitable to them out of my reduced purse, and I ask no sacrifices. Probably more use and fun to just have them kill each other."
"True, but once we have Middlefinger confirmed on our team, we parley that faint beginning into more support…" she pointed out. "It snowballs as they attract others. Word of mouth remains the par excellence method of winning hearts and minds in our medieval society, my Lord."
"Unless, of course, Father catches on and closes the show before it opens."
She beamed. "Very good, use that with Middlefinger, he'll appreciate the reference to his artistic side. Though make it doubtful King Robert will do so…You could bring up your mother's devoted protection of you…"
"Are you telling me what to do and say?!" he fumed. "I don't need anyone to tell me…Arrgh!" he reared at the sound of a heavy door opened and closed with slam. "Sansa! Something or one's coming! Help!" he hurried to her side, then behind her as she faced whatever was approaching now, its footsteps audible in the hall.
"It's fine…I'm here, Joff…" she intoned soothingly, patting him with one hand, dagger clenched in the other. "Nothin's gonna harm you."
Singing in lullaby tone…
"Nothin's gonna harm you…Not while I'm around…
Nothin's gonna harm you, no sir…Not while I'm around."
("That'd better be so, you idiot. Or your lovely head rolls!" Joffrey, crouching a bit behind her.)
Sansa (He called me…"Lovely"…Beaming):
"Demons are prowling everywhere…Nowadays…"
("What?! What demons?! Lets get outta here!" "Poetic license, darling…")
"I'll send them howlin'…I don't care…I got ways."
("Sure…The ways that let your parents croak?" he sneered but remained crouched behind, rather comforted. Not even Mother at her most obsessively devoted gave me this kind of insanely unwavering affection and support…
Which is why I still hate you, wretch…And only love Wednesday who properly spurns me.
Probably the last bit of sanity left to me…And if I lose that, to…Dare I say it? Love you, you pathetic, emotionally scared, twisted thing…
Well, probably wouldn't make a hell of a lot of difference to most observers…And I'd be marginally happier as I continue my career of sadistic torment and mass murder.
No, no…Only Wednesday…)
"No one's gonna hurt you…No one's gonna dare…"
(Footsteps louder, Joffrey trembling again…)
"Others (like that snoring useless Airedale we had to leave behind lest he rat on us) can desert you, not to worry whistle and I'm there…"
("Whistle? I can't whistle you fool! Sansa?!" "Just figurative, sweetheart…Calling out or screaming works fine." "Ah…Thanks.")
"Demons (named Wednesday) can charm you with a smile, for a while, but in time…
Nothing can harm you…Not while I'm…Around…"
("Is this some trick to get me to keep you alive?" "Only the truth, my love…I mean, how long would you last without me?" "True enough. Damnit."
Worst of all is it's rather workin'…I'd even be…Somewhat displeased…If she suddenly wasn't there.
But only because I want the fun of doin' it myself.
Someday.)
"Well…Hallo there." Middlefinger, two female guards in brothel costume, with their own daggers in hand and two knights in armor, swords drawn, hailed them.
"Welcome…" he stroked white cat in his arms, beaming smile. "Right on time."
"I need not be 'on time' with the likes of you, you scum!" Joffrey glared.
"Darling…" Sansa, guardedly. "Nice cat, Lord Belloq."
Oh, I'm so gonna enjoy disposing of this little grease stain…Middlefinger beamed, bowing. "Of course, my royal prince and future king. Lady Sansa, greetings and, thanks...Right, Sylvester?" strokes cat. "Nice to see you again, my lady. But this is no place for me to entertain royalty. Come, I've a chamber prepared for us. We've much to discuss…" he indicated for his people to take up positions and waved the group on, all proceeding down the hall in the direction he and his had come.
"The only thing we have to discuss is how to put me on my throne, Middlefinger." Joffrey fumed.
"Naturally, my Prince…" smile. "But that road may be twisty and complex…Full of thorns and brambles, choked with weeds, haunted by dangers…A chessboard of clever opponents and obstacles…Fate herself undecided, waiting to be won to our cause… And, from that torment we must free you…"
"What is he going on about…?" Joffrey hissed to Sansa.
"He's an artist, they like to talk…" she whispered back.
…..
The Throne Room of the Redder Keep…
Robert gratefully not on the Throne but a huge, well-cushioned chair, Cersei having noted, with beam, that this was in the nature of an informal session with the Lord Hand and co…
Gomez, Joad Tom at his side, having laid out his plans for a tour of the North, including the potential new coal lands, as well as for checking on the menace of the wildthing barbarians of the North Beyond the Wall…(Hear be demons, mammoths, giants, and unconfirmed rumors of White Walking Dead guys, the map of the North spread out on a large table, proclaimed) and the strange rumors of even more dangerous ancient creatures' return.
"So when do you head for the North, Gomez?" Robert asked. "Rather wish I could go along…Take down a bear or two and a mammoth, and some of those wild maniacs up there. Gods, you're a lucky dog."
"We'll do a royal procession thing, on the qc, when things settle down down here. We might even be able to go incognito." Cersei noted. "Bear hunts, deer hunts, a nice little battle on the Wall against those giants and mammoths and Walker things if any of that hokum is true…I'll be your winggirl."
"So you are…" Robert noted fondly, nodding. "Well, we'll make that our first order of pleasure once we get a handle on the Targaryen bimbo and these plots to unsettle the kingdom. Gomez?! You give my best to the boys on the Wall and tell 'em their King and Queen are coming faster than Winter if we can to lend a couple of battleaxes."
"Indeed I will, Bob…" Gomez nodded. "I hope to be off within the week. Just waiting for Morty to join me and wrap up a few things here."
"Anything serious?" Cersei, concerned both for the status of the Kingdom…And her kids, given the Lord Hand's unfortunate tendency to go poking about in matters best left alone.
"Well, I hope to learn more about this plot to bring our families to blows, Majesty. I've acquired a new source of intelligence and while I can't make any charges yet, I am acquiring evidence."
"Evidence?" Robert shrugged. "Who needs evidence? Just let me know who may be up to something and we'll throw them in the dungeons. This isn't Athens, you know."
"True enough, and commendable as your speedy justice is, Bob…" Gomez paused. "It might be in the best interests of the Kingdom to do the full investigation thing, both to have the net wide enough to catch all and to assure the average citizen that the King's Justice is fair and impartial."
"Oh, please…" Robert sighed. "Still…I suppose it makes for good pr. Cerse?" he turned to her.
"It's probably best. Father would approve."
"And in a day or two Lord Tyrion will be here to assist you in my place." Gomez noted.
"Lovely." Cersei frowned.
"Now, Cerse…" Robert grinned. "The Imp's a barrel of laughs and shrewd as your dad. You know that. Lighten up on the poor kid, he didn't mean to croak your mom on popping out. These things happen."
"For your sake, darling…I'll try." Nod. "But if he pulls another one of his practical jokes…Like putting horse s—t in my cosmetics jar." Grimace.
"Well…Actually." Robert, sly grin… "That was my idea."
"I see I'll have two little boys on my hands, plus Tommen and Joff…" she sighed, but smiled. "Well, I will try." She shrugged.
"All I ask, dear." He patted her. "Well, Gomez…" he turned to Lord Gomez. "As to your other investigation…" slight grimming of tone.
"Anything you learned in Fleas' Butt regards my bastards…Must remain top secret. I hope you understand that…And you, Ser Joad." Eyeing Joad.
Cersei, stern look as well…
"The very foundation of the Kingdom depends on this…" Robert noted. "Though of course we would like to know exactly what happened to Lord Arryn since you've put forth your concerns about his death."
Cersei, frowning…
Now comes my lil' moment of humiliation…
"Lets have a final security sweep before we proceed." Robert glancing round the room. "Kingkiller?" he called to the more or less patiently waiting Jamie, on guard point, the sole member of the Guard allowed for this one.
"Take a look round and skewer anyone trying to slip in, wouldya?"
"Majesty…" nod.
Like I've got anything better to do than poke snoops. Still, it's better than just standing here watching sis and Bob coo like turtle doves. And those are my kids in a degree of danger here.
He went on through the Great Hall as the others waited…
"All clear, your Majesty. Oh, wait…" he rammed sword through a suit of armor mounted in the Hall, one of Robert's trophy pieces.
A gurgling gasp from within…
"Ok…All set." Jamie waved, moving to resume his post. "I'll see to identifying the mess after you've done."
"Right then. Given what you've learned…"Robert addressed Gomez. "The Queen wishes to make it clear that despite her concerns for our children, she had absolutely nothing to do with Arryn's death."
"Yeah…" Cersei nodded. "I know it looks bad, but I honestly didn't." she put hand on the sacred book at her side on the armrest of her chair. "I swear before the gods, I never gave orders to croak the geezer. I really did rather like the poor sob. He was a fine if occasionally overindulgent to Bob, Hand and loyal to the House Barftheron. I'm only sorry he didn't realize how devoted I am." Rueful smile to Bob.
Uh…She eyed the looks.
"That's no admission of guilt. I stand by my statement."
"Thanks, honey." Robert nodded. "I know that was embarrassing. So now let me take my share and officially proclaim, in secret, that I fully adopt our three children as my own, even the little putz Joffrey, without question, under all the legal jazz. And further proclaim that all inquiries into the matter of their parentage are closed, forever."
"So be it, your Majesty." Gomez bowed. Joad Tom also.
"She was really just trying to cover for me, Gomez. I've no doubt of that." Robert sighed. "And I'll never have anything to say against her on it. Gods know I drove her to far worse if she'd been capable of it. I hope you see that."
"As you command, Majesty…And yes, I can." Smile, nod to Cersei who gave sheepish smile back.
"Not like it's the first time it's happened, eh?" Robert, grinning. "I'd bet half the dynasties were successions of pretty errand boys' and lady's maids' kids."
"Bobbie, you'll make me weep…" Cersei sighed. "Thank you."
"Excuse me!" call from the Great Door to the Keep's Great Hall… "Damnit, is everyone in bed or something?" Tyrion's voice. "Bob?! Cersei?!"
A moment later he himself, forcing a small service door in balcony above the main Hall open, appeared, a bit disheveled to their sight, peering over the balcony rail.
"At last I'm able to avoid straining my neck to see you all! Hallo! Greetings from Dad and sundry! Jamie? How's it goin'?!" wave.
"Tyrion! Nice to see you!" Robert called.
…..