Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part LXIII…
Redder Keep…
Meeting of the Somewhat Larger Now But Still Little Council…
Acting Hand Tyrion Lannister presiding…
"Well, gentlemen and ladies…Your Grace, my sister, you honor us with your presence…" Tyrion nodding to a beaming Cersei…
"I know I for one can't wait to hear the report on firepowder production, but we have news to consider from my dear, if icily indifferent, father, Lord Tywin, now returned to our seat at Casterly Rock…"
"Indeed, my Lord Hand, most troubling news from his gracious Lord…" Purile, harrumphing in introduction. "But given the presence of our most gracious Queen his daughter…Perhaps her report…"
"Maester Purile, I think Lord Tyrion has matters well in hand as to priority…" Cersei, slight frown.
Don't diss me baby bro, asswipe.
Gods…Purile, sighing…Tis hard to know how to bend with the wind at such a time…And whose ass to kiss.
Still "Kiss Lannister ass" hath been my guiding light throughout my political career and it still applies, given the Lannisters remain firmly in the saddle here.
Catching Verysmuch's contemptuous look his way…
Little ballless bastard, Purile glared. Just because I've no desire to open up a semi-independent political shop of my own like you and the weirdly perv, somewhat whiney, if admittedly rather talented, Belloq is no reason to diss me. My political acumen's as good as anyone's… I just prefer not to go the contractor route. I like the perks of a corporate position. And there's a certain satisfaction that comes from government public service when the interests of House Lannister and said government coincide.
"Of course, my Gracious Queen, but we all look forward to your report." He concluded hastily.
"Thanks, Lord Minister. My Lord Hand?"
And sweetest of best bros I've never…Pausing to consider…Nope, never…Done, she beamed at him.
Very disconcerting, sis, Tyrion thought. I keep expecting some trap to be sprung even though I truly believe you're sincere.
"Thanks to our Queen. Well, to it. My father Lord Tywin…"
Geesh…Purile frowned. Put a lil' sugar on it… "My most noble of fathers, our well-beloved Lord Tywin, master of Casterly Rock and statecraft…" That sort of thing, the man's earnt it for gods' sake.
"…has uncovered a rather dangerous plot, which has resulted in the suicide of Lord Bings, exposed as a traitor…"
"Jar-Jar croaked?" Verysmuch, blinking.
(I mean, I knew that…I'm just acting, of course. And everyone pretty much expected him to be a traitor, indeed, to everyone employing him.)
"Indeed. Mesa says no more will we hear grating voice of one Jar-Jar." Tyrion nodded. "It appears he was spying and working to weaken our alliances for the same mysterious person or group who tried to ignite civil war amongst us all."
"Horrible." Lord Maced Markwell, temporary Minister of Coin shook head. "And he handled such vital trade negotiations. We were set to close the deal on resin."
"I'm afraid we'll have to bear the loss." Tyrion sighed. "Thankfully the resin market among Lord Bings' other concerns of office was not really quite as essential as other items, like survival of the regime. And we have you, my good Lord, to step in with your experience."
"I shall do all I can, my Lord Hand, to see us through in these crisis times." Markwell, proudly. "I have the files on resin production right here, somewhere in this pile…" he turned to the stack of folders at his side.
"No doubt, no doubt…" Tyrion, pleasantly waving him off… "But as to why he betrayed us…Probably not that hard a nut to crack…And for whom…Likely a bit more difficult…We must seek immediate answers."
"My Lord Hand fittingly puts his finger on the essential matter, as always…" Purile, eyeing Cersei as well as Tyrion. She offering him slight beam while Tyrion rolled eyes.
Ok…Stroking the Imp gets the Queen in a good mood now.
Who'd've thought but fine…Purile reflected. Just so long as I've some clear idea of what the game board is like.
Bings, though? Suicide? My Gods. That one I have to find hard to believe and far more likely to have been my dear employer Lord Tywin sending a message back to whoever the paymaster is.
Wonder what Bings was offered though? Gods, if it was really enough to get him to accept such dangers, it must have been damned big as bribes go.
And not a little disturbingly insulting that no offer has as yet come Purileway…
Of course my loyalty to House Lannister is iron-clad, just as my loyalty to House Barftheron is a bit more wood-level clad but still reasonably solid.
But a man likes to be wooed. Smacks of disrespect, really. Eyeing Verysmuch…
Well, gotta be either him or Middlefinger…Unless Danerys T is as clever and scheming as she is hot.
Could be she has good advisors…The big wigs all always denigrating the role of the Advisor.
As if most of them would have an idea in their heads if we didn't provide it…
Or could possibly be some other fellow is making a play…There's those pointy-heads in Bravos, Essos always jawing about the Revolution, etc.
"Immediate answers…" Tyrion repeated, eyeing Purile.
All eyeing him, Purile suddenly realized.
Dear gods, was I really dottering off in thought?
One thing to play a dotard, quite another to start living the role, sigh.
"My apologies, my Lord Hand…I was contemplating the potential threats."
Hey, I really was…Though perhaps with an eye on the main chance, Purilewise.
"And I would wonder if perhaps the Targaryen Pretender, the so-called Princess Danerys, might be involved."
Slight tittering…
Cersei frowning a bit…
Geesh, the girl may be a bit of a bimbo but why couldn't a woman be behind this?
"I don't find that so far-fetched as apparently some of you do." Tyrion, slight frown.
That's my baby bro there…Always respectful of women even when screwing them en masse…Cersei, pleased. Purile, for once, rather pleased with the little fellow himself.
"Though, Verysmuch, your intelligence service is charged with maintain a watch on her…Have you noted any signs she might be capable of such operations here?"
"Not so far as I can say, my Lord Hand." Verysmuch shook head. "Of course, she is currently a guest of the newly 'elected'…Yeah right…Chancellor of Barth, Taro Trumpo Don."
"Guest, eh? In the good for her as in 'ally, partner' sense or as in manacled and chained in the dungeon as with some 'guests' of King Bob here?"
"Sort of middling…Leaning to partner, slightly, for the moment, but yes some dungeon has been involved." Verysmuch noted.
"Seriously?" Cersei, perking… "Bob…The King won't mind hearing that. But not permanent guest residence in the dungeons?"
"Afraid not as yet. Chancellor Taro is playing a careful game of carrot and stick it seems." Verysmuch noted.
"Well, could be…Don is a slippery customer…If rather new to major political power." Tyrion pondered. "But I would guess the threat is closer to home, though he and the Targaryen girl could be involved."
Score one, Purile…Purile thought, pleased.
"My Lord…" sincere nod of appreciation.
Hey, respect begets respect. Ok, lets keep it rollin'…
"Closer, yes…" nod. "Of course, it could be solely a threat to House Lannister…"
Perish the thought…
"Lord Tywin has many rivals…And Lord Bings was his bannerman." Purile continued.
"Father believes it's larger than just a threat to our House. It's an effort to completely disrupt the Kingdom. And clearly, if so, its tentacles are spread wide." Tyrion shook head.
Cersei, troubled look…
A threat to Bobbie?! Just when alls going so well?
"Jamie! Tyrion! We must find out who is behind this at once! Jamie?! Don't stand there! Go see that Bobbie…The King…Is all right. I want a watch over him 25/8." She insisted.
Really? Jamie frowned.
Still, I suppose it's my duty. Gods…Fuck this job and the day I was stupid enough to sign on.
"It's probably a good idea, though I don't think Rob is in immediate danger." Tyrion noted. "Don't worry, your Highness, we'll keep him safe. I promise."
Oh…You wonderful little angel…She beamed at him.
"Well?" she eyed Jamie who gave a morose sigh.
Right, go babysit my lover's husband, and if I'm lucky get martyred saving him, he trundled off.
"Good, my Lord Hand…But as to the Menace itself. Do we have any ideas as to who could be carrying out such deep plots against the Kingdom?" Verysmuch put in.
Yes, time to play the concerned and devoted government minister…
Besides, I really would like to pin it down for my own schemes sake. Though my money's on Petyr Belloq.
Though I just offered a good candidate, Purile frowned.
"Well, Purile's idea about Princess Danerys being involved is worth consideration…" Tyrion noted. "As I noted your people should have her and her host Chancellor Don reasonably covered and I would continue careful surveillance."
"We oughta just off the bimbo…" Cersei frowned. "She's clearly got some fool notion she's entitled to the throne and there are always idiots willing to follow someone just because they're new."
"I think that would be a mistake, though of course I will abide by any orders given…" Verysmuch, hastily at Cersei's glare. "She's limited in her abilities right now but she does control growing dragons and she remains a useful source of information on the Targaryens and those foolish types who would aid her."
"You speak as if there's more than one…" Tyrion eyed him. "Isn't her brother dead?"
"One that we know of…The Targaryens were a large family, there may be relatives about, likely in hiding." Shrewd look.
Ok, giving away a tiny bit to keep in the game…Verysmuch thought. Nature of the beast.
"And of course there's many a lesser House with ambitions." He added.
"Perhaps…" Tyrion nodded. "But this smacks of a less than forthrightly approach that most Houses would take, challenging the Crown in alliance with others, openly. Though I know, most such would be trying to watch for weakness first. Still, this seems to me to be outside the usual maneuvering for position. I'd say it was the effort of someone without an army, as yet, hoping to take advantage, maneuvering in the shadows."
Hmmn, not bad, Imp. Not bad. Verysmuch nodded thoughtfully.
Now, do I suggest Belloq or hold back my ace?
"Rently and Stanislaw have both been up to something recently." Cersei cut in. "If the rumors are true, Rently's gone and married into House Boleyn via Margeary Boleyn to shore up support and Stanislaw has been having his new Faith burn people right and left, in some sort of fanatic frenzy. Bob's written to him but no reply on that as yet."
Margeary's married? Jamie halts at door at far end of the hall on his way out.
Great. Just great.
The one other girl I could consider now that Cersei's lost to me.
Right, exactly. The thanks I get for saving millions.
Ok, the attempt to murder two kids to conceal my incestuous affair did take some of the gloss off that but still…
On the other hand…Margeary and Rently?
Bwah…Ha, ha. I smell opportunity.
Though damnit, she's such a nice girl in spite of her dad…I doubt she'd ever consider the Mistress/illicit affair route.
Rats. I may be the best swordsman and handsomest guy (hey, I have the polls to prove it) in the Seven but I can't find a nice girl.
"Jamie? What are you still standing around there for?!" Cersei called, looking back to him. "Get the lead out and go protect our King, my honey!"
Right…Sigh.
Of course…Maybe the "my honey" was meant…Slight perking…
"My honey, the King I mean!" she called.
Yeah, yeah…Sure, sure…He went out, sword dragging morsely at his side.
"Course…My sympathies to Lady Margeary…" Cersei giggled a bit.
All around the table giving slight smiles…
"Well, perhaps so…But it is a formidable alliance." Tyrion noted. "And not approved by the King."
"Oh, right, yeah. Good one, Tyrion!" Cersei nodded eagerly. "No royal stamp of approval, no wedding, right?"
"Afraid not quite, your Grace…" Purile sighed. "Prince Rently is not the direct heir now and may legally marry as he pleases, though the King can express his displeasure."
"That may be a mistake, driving Rently out of favor." Tyrion shook head. "I doubt he'd act against Rob in this way, he's just looking to cover his bets and position for the right moment."
"Right moment? You mean…?" Cersei, blanching. "YOU! Guard!" she turned in panic. "Get to the Kingslayer and get him to the King! NOW!"
Guard scurrying off…
"Moron…I'd best go myself…" she rose, all rising with her.
"Cersei, don't panic. Rently's not of that nature…" Tyrion sighed, calming wave of hand. "In fact it's probably best to let this slide and commend him for adding a valuable ally to the royal family. Keep him in the fold, hopeful but under control."
"Right, right…You're right, Tyrion. It's Stanislaw who's the danger." Cersei nodded, nervously. Resuming seat. "Sorry, guys. Yeah, Rently's a sweet kid for the most part. But we'll keep a close eye on him and that girl. Her grandmother is a scheming bitch, she's probably pushing this."
"Your Majesty?" Lord Markwell eyed her, crestfallen.
Uh… "Oh, sorry, Lord Markwell….Didn't mean to malign your mom unfairly." Cersei, apologetically.
"The Markwells have been content to stay in alliance with the Lannisters and Barftherons." Tyrion noted. "I think Lady Olenna is likely not the force behind this marriage. I'd say…"
"That perv Boleyn, her dad?" Cersei eyed him.
"Again, sorry, Markwell." She eyed Maced.
"Not at all, your Grace. Thomas is quite the perv. Creeps us all out." Markwell noted. "But I assure you, my niece is a loyal supporter of the Kingdom as is my mother."
"Well, in any case, I'd go with Stanislaw…He has the navy behind him, his own bannermen, a bunch of wild-eyed religious bigots complete with some weird priestess claiming to have mystical powers, and he's always believed he's entitled as oldest brother, even if Bobbie…The King…Did all the work." Cersei nodded thoughtfully, slight frown at end.
"What say you, brother?" she eyed Tyrion.
"Stanislaw is ambitious…And his new faith is troubling. But…He has always been loyal to Rob. Again, I think he's simply positioning himself."
"Well, he can 'position' all the fuck he wants. Rob is living to be 100, if his Queen has anything to say about it." Cersei, firmly. "But we should keep a firm eye on him and his whackos, too."
"We will, sister." Tyrion nodded.
"But, good my Lord…If it's neither brother, as you think likely…?" Markwell spoke up. "Do we go with the Targaryen pretender or…"
"There are forces closer to home…" Verysmuch noted.
Sorry, ole frienemy…But…
"There are simply too many potential enemies…For the moment." Tyrion sighed. "All we can do for now is monitor the clearest threats and keep eyes and ears open. However there is the possible murder of Jon Arryn. Lord Addams made a good start of an investigation there and I have his files."
"You truly believe the former Hand was murdered, my Lord?" Purile, cautiously.
Hey, I didn't do it and if Cersei says House Lannister is ok with an investigation, I'd rather like to know who myself. Not a bad sort, old Jon…Devoted public servant, hideous wife, I really did feel for him.
"Yes…Given the circumstances I must agree with Lord Addams. Arryn learned something someone did not want revealed." Tyrion nodded.
Uh…Cersei, slightest of grimaces.
"How awful…But what could he have learned?" she asked, carefully.
Don't make me backtrack on loving you, baby bro.
"If we knew that, we'd probably know who our Menace is…" Tyrion noted. "I propose that I resume the investigation in the Lord Hand's absence and see what I can learn. There is also the strange matter of Lady Arryn…"
Gods know that's for sure…All about the table eyed each other.
Absolutely freakin'…Or Frumping…Nuts.
"…Contacting Lady Addams to say the Lannisters had poisoned Arryn." Tyrion concluded.
"Why such is a terrible insult…" Purile, annoyed.
"More important I believe as Lord Addams does, it was put out to deceive, even to foster the recent events that nearly led to civil war." Tyrion, calmly.
"Are you saying Lady Arryn…?" Cersei eyed him.
Oh, that's horrible…A wife murdering or involved in the murder of her husband?
What the hellish dark times we live in…The sanctity of marriage violated like that? My gods.
"I make no charges as yet…" Tyrion shaking head. "But…There is something rotten in the Vale…"
Gods, that's for sure…All thought. Given those tales of Lady Arryn and her equally strange kid.
"Well, we should secure it at once." Cersei nodded. "I'd bet Lady Maud would be happy to cut her way through those impenetrable defenses. And I'd be glad to help her, given the disrespect shown my dear brother."
Tyrion blinking…
Now she's ready to kill, for me?
"Well, we don't want a war, even just one with the Vale." He hastily noted. "I propose we send a royal investigative team to question my Lady Arryn and see what they can learn. Ser Fester?"
Fester, frowning…
What's this? A blowoff for the old guy? Not to mention, getting kicked out of the capital just when I was really settlin' in. Found a nice apartment, a couple of inns that served my favorites like three-days dead raven stew… Had my favorite prostitutes booked for the next month…One of them just helped me decorate my new place. I even got tickets for "Game of Thrones, II…"
"I think you are the man to lead the team. You know the Vale and you're a relative."
Back to crazy land? Fester stared.
"But I am the new Handsguard Captain…" He noted.
"And therefore you have the authority to compel Lady Arryn to see you, as well as the relation to take some of the sting off. It's a vital mission, Ser Fester and you can assemble your own crack team of investigators."
"I most heartily agree, my Lord Hand." Purile harrumphed. "Ser Fester is surely…"
"I'll take Purile with me. I'll need Maeterly advice from a guy with court experience." Fester, quickly, coolly eyeing Purile. "With Ophelia, I'll need careful diplomacy." He smoothly noted.
If I'm leaving the girls and the rest here and goin' to the lunatic asylum, you're coming too, pal.
Purile, dark stare…
"Whomever you like…Maester Purile? Will you assist Ser Fester in this important investigation? I think he's right, your diplomatic skills will be vital here." Tyrion noted. "Naturally you'd be invested with coequal powers."
"I'm sure Lord Purile will do the right thing for the Kingdom." Cersei eyed him.
"Of course, my Queen…My Lord. Thanks for selecting an older fellow like me for such a vitally important task, Ser Fester." Dark look Festerward.
I had my prostitutes booked for the next six months…
Still, nice of the Imp to offer a bone there…Coequal, eh? He eyed Fester.
And don't I won't push that to the limits of the envelope…
"We'll have ravens sent at once." Tyrion noted.
"Nah…Lets let this be a surprise." Fester urged. "We go with a lot of fuss and Ophelia might be ready to blow us off."
Gotta admit…Probably the right way…Purile sighed, nodding. "I concur, my Lord. Let us present our credentials on arrival."
"If you both think so…" Tyrion agreed. "But take care with Lady Arryn, she seemed quite volatile when last we met."
"We'll handle her with kidskin-lined gloves…" Fester nodded. "Real kid ones."
Should be able to find a few starving peasants en route who'd sell a few kids' hands…
"Your service to the Crown is most appreciated, gentlemen." Cersei gave a royal wave from her seat. Purile giving modest nod, Fester as well.
"Just avoid the Moon Door…And make it clear to her and her Robin that if anyone from your team 'flies', she will too." Tyrion, firmly.
Jamie now re-entering from the end of the hall he exited from…
"Jamie? What this? Why didn't you stay with Bobbie…The King?" Cersei, anxiously, then frowning…
Lets not starting letting the fact we've been incestuous lovers and we're related be used as an excuse to blow off your duties, bucko.
"Pardon all…" he bowed as he came near. "The King orders me to guard the Queen…He feels he can cover his own as he put it 'large but shrinking ass'. He gave me a royal order and had it notarized." He offered a parchment scroll to an attendant standing ready near Cersei who took the scroll and unfurlled.
"Oh…Dang it, he's such a sweetheart." Cersei beamed.
"By order of Robert I Barftheron, Rex et Judis, King of the Seven Kingdoms etc, etc…The Captain of the Kingsguard to wit, Ser Jamie Lannister, is hereby appointed to guard Queen Cersei from all enemies foreign and domestic until such time as he should rescind this order…Robert I, Rex et Judis, etc, etc."
"Fast work…" Tyrion noted.
"That is so sweet…But who the hell is guarding my Bobbie…The King?" Cersei, fuming at end.
"I put a guard around his chambers, plus the City Guard patrol. And he's still not bad with sword, especially now he's been working out and lost a bit of the old girth."
"Lets go…" Cersei rose, urgently signaling to her attendants and guard. "Lord Hand Tyrion, I know you can handle anything else that comes up, please send us a report of the meeting. Ser Fester, Lord Purile? Safe journey and really, thanks again for this. We do appreciate it." She smiled at them then hurried for the door. "Captain of the Guard, hurry it up!" she bellowed to Jamie who stared then followed.
Geesh.
And so much for my last chance to rehook with sis…
Well, at least I'll have her near…Even if that means the continuing torment of watching the Barftherons coo and bill as a happy couple.
And I suppose, to be fair to Rob…I am glad to see him making Cers so happy…There is a bit of unselfish brother in me, after all.
"All right, your Highness. Our best to the King!" Tyrion called. Cersei hastily waving her good byes to all and sundry…Jamie sighing but hurrying after with guards and attendants.
"Thanks for including me in this surely epic junket, Fester…" Purile took opportunity to hiss.
"Wouldn't dream of goin' without you, Purile." Fester smiled.
…
Hmmn…In his palatial tent in the heart of the Northern coal fields, candles just lit for the evening, Middlefinger found himself a bit troubled by a hand-delivered, encrypted and deciphered letter from his new ally's significant other whom he'd probably torture to death but still, regard Sansa as my so for now, Joffrey.
Which given the logical consistency and good penmanship had almost certainly been written by the said Lady Sansa, clearly with Joff adding his own rather less logical and certainly poorer penned note regards her status at end.
"Not only it is annoying to see her position with him spelled out in black ink-and-off white parchment, as well as troubling…I mean I'm a close friend of her late parents, even if I did help speed her father, at least, to his death, which admittedly probably led to her mother's, this is truly disturbing, finding her so close to this psycho…But what she's asking…? 'Operation Bastardo'? Kill all of Rob Barftheron's supposed bastards in King's Landing?" he stared at the letter in hand.
"Geesh…I'm a vicious schemer, blackmailer, arranger of murders, sure…But killing babies? Sansa? I mean sure, it makes a certain sense in the way 'Joffrey' (right, sure, Sans) lays it out…But, killing babies?"
("You know you really might want…" Verysmuch commenting from his office. "Oh, gods. Am I doing it again?" Belloq sighs. "And this one, really…Discretion…" Verysmuch nods.)
So, I'm to use members of the City and King's Guard already in my pocket to carry this out, claiming to them the order comes from Cersei…?
Hmmn…On the other hand, if I want to dispose of my new ally, letting King Rob know about this one…I mean Rob may be a brutal warrior king, capable of any sort of mass slaughter and yet possessing enough statecraft to employ rather good intel people like Verysmuch ("Why thank you.") and moi and being willing to have them employ rather nasty means, but he loves kids.
Though I get the idea of letting Cersei take the fall…Nice.
Again, I appreciate the political savvy displayed here by (right) 'Joffrey'.
Uh-huh…
But Sansa? Really? What has happened to the innocent and sometimes loving if entitled princess I knew?
Does of course on one very dark level get my motor revving…
(Eehew…Verysmuch. "Oh sure, 'eehew' you say while you plot to put a potential psycho with dragons in power because her family killed millions 300 years ago?" sigh. "Ok, right, it's still… 'Eehew'.")
But, on the other hand…Almost makes me wonder if I'm choosing the right mate for life…I mean what kind of mother of my children would she…
(Eeh… "Stop with the eehews, we get it, Verysmuch." Belloq frowning.)