Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part LXXXIII…
"Busy day at Casa Lannister?" Lord Porthrightly eyed the head of the lovely Tywina Lannister in robes, cradled in his recently somewhat reduced lap as they sat by the fireplace of his keep, The Unbothered Gardens…Named for its success in remaining so through hundreds of years of wars, rebellions, revolts, famines, peasant uprisings elsewhere during said famines…It truly helping that his family had always followed an anti-hubris policy of avoiding crazy grabs for power, hopeless rebellions, and ridiculous alliances doomed to failure, while offering quiet loyalty to the ruling regime once proven stable by steady rule, while maintaining careful neutrality during unstable times. Not to mention not letting petty quarrels among the family escalate into bitter, destructive conflict. "Cool, Calm, Collected…" the Porthrightly family motto.
"Always…" Tywina nodded, looking up. "But Uncle's a good boss and actually kind of funny at times, despite affecting that terrifyingly stern ruler/mob boss thing."
"Well, it seems to work. Perhaps, I should go for that look myself, sometime." Porthrightly noted.
"Porthy, no…Never. Don't even kid about it." She insisted. "I love you just as you are, minus a little of the girth, though not too much…It's cute." Beam.
"Last thing I want is to find myself the blonde partner of an ambitious, psychotically ruthless, power-hungry idiot risking it all to win the Game. Heck, we might actually do well and where would I be? Another psycho blonde on the throne whose good intentions turn to mass murder and insane rage and then we both get gruesomely killed after a career that makes our names loathed throughout history? No, thank you very much." She shook head in his lap as he grinned down at her.
"Well, no danger there…I like a good fight and swing with the sword, much as the next fellow, but for me there's nothing better than coming home to my girl, my kids, my nice fire, a good book, and a reasonable dinner and pot of ale or glass of wine. Never been our family's thing to try for some nonsensical bid for power. Life's too short as it is and I like having friends, not bitter treacherous rivals. Though I do have a few of those, unavoidable these days."
"Yeah…But I got them marked down and we just keep 'em at a distance, negotiate, call in the King or Unc…Since we'll never want anything from them, they'll generally move on to challenge someone else, foolishly."
"That's generally been the Porthrightly way…" he nodded.
"And if they're stupid enough to go on bothering us, I know my Porthy bear can deal. And since we never betray or try to steal and always maintain our promises, we have friends who actually are friends and will help us."
"The way to win the Game…Skirt around it and don't play except in the most minor supporting role." Porthrightly nodded. "Survival, that's the victory."
"Yeah…" Tywina beamed up at his smiling face. "Now, about the 'kids' you mentioned." Teasing tone.
"Tywina…" mock reproof.
"After we're married, come on. Three. Unless we only have one or the other, then I might be persuaded to try a fourth."
"Adopt, for the fourth. I'm not risking you four times and finding we only get another boy. There are plenty of kids who need a good home. One safe from all the craziness."
"Well…We'll see."
"Speaking of the craziness…" sigh. "Any news on the Big Bad?"
"The 'phantom menace'…?" she grinned to his look. "Actually, I liked that show at Middlefinger's Theater, it filled in a lot of stuff for the Essos Wars series."
"Belloq…" Porthrightly frowned. "He may have theatrical talent, but Robert should kick him off the Council."
"He's very able as Coin Minister." She noted.
"Clipping Coin Minister…I'm convinced, as is Lord Maced he's pulling in twice as much as the kingdom gets."
"Typical, but…" Tywina shrugged.
"I know, better a competent crook than an incompetent one." He nodded. "Still…He rubs me the wrong way when I sit in at Council. Though I think he's been behaving himself since Gomez Addams came to town."
"King Bob never made a better decision than to bring him in as Hand…" she agreed. "Even Uncle likes him, especially since he got Bob and Cersei reconciled."
"Now that was amazing…" Porthrightly noted. "And now that maniac…Sorry, I know he's a cousin, but he's a total dipshit psycho…Joffrey is out, and that nice kid Tommen is in. Phew. We may yet see a happy future…If Mr. or Miss 'Menace' is put to bed."
"Thanks…For the 'Miss'…" Tywina beamed. "It's nice to know my future hubs believes a woman can be a fiendish and ruthless power behind the scenes. Though I mean to be a beloved and caring copower right up front in the Porthrightly lands."
"You will, my dearest." He nodded. "But is there any hope of bedding/hanging/skewering our little Menace? Not asking for any top-secret info, just if there's anything we could do…?"
"I'm trying to follow Uncle, Lady Maud, the Hand, and the King on it. But since Lord Jar-Jar there's been no new leads as yet."
"I still can't get over Jar-Jar, dying with loyalty to his cause. Who'd've thought." Porthrightly shakes head.
"Well, poisoning did help. As far as avoiding torture. But I agree, whoever the 'Menace' is, it does manage to inspire loyalty even in an abject coward." She nodded.
"So clearly the fellow has something…Either that mysterious thing called 'charisma', magical mind control, or a lot of wealth and power." Porthightly noted.
"Hmmn…" he pondered. "You know, there is that psycho religion in Stormin' Out, the Barftheron seat that Stanislaw was promoting. Light of the Lord or something, where they burn people for sacrifice or heresy or whatever. That kind of fanaticism could provide a 'Menace' with some devoted nut followers, money, power."
"Uncle's considered it as has the King." Tywina nodded. "But Stanislaw's been playing his games for years…Robert keeps a close eye, not wanting to let him get too dangerous, while not wanting to put his head on a pike. Good brother, that King of ours. But I don't think Stan's the Menace, he's just too obviously ambitious. Now his 'priestess', that 'actress'/prostitute turned crazy fringe religious leader…She's someone to watch."
"You really think? Do your Uncle, and the King and the Hand think?"
"Nah…Again, a bit obvious for someone who's been keeping well hidden. But she could be an agent/ally."
"Oh…Bit worrisome the King and Queen are there, then."
"No…They're much sharper these days, especially as a team. In fact, not only is the King cleverly annexing Prince Rently's new alliance to his cause, he's assessing that girl, I'm sure of it. And the Boleyns."
Eehew…Both picturing Lord Boleyn. "Now he's got to be in on it…Though not the 'Menace' himself." Tywina noted.
"Who'd follow him?" Porthrigthly agreed. "I hear he even creeps himself out. But, sure…An ally to whomever. I can buy that."
"Hmmn…You know, if the King doesn't turn up anything. And that lady will be on guard with him, we might try." Tywina suggested.
"I know…Our motto is 'Cool, Calm, and Collected' and we avoid entangling alliances. But this is more along the lines of preventative proaction." She noted to his look. "We might possibly get her to believe we're interested in signing up."
"Us? As a scheming wanna-be power couple?" Porthrightly stared.
"It's pretty typical. Not being so, that's the unexpected thing."
"Hmmn…Point there."
"We'd clear everything with Uncle of course. None of that misunderstood intention crap that gets so many minor well-meaning characters iced." She nodded.
"Good. Well, maybe good. I still don't know…And what if the girl knows nothing? Does that mean we try…Eehew…Boelyn?" he grimaced.
"To keep the kingdom safe and stable for our kids, Porth. Sacrifices have to be made sometimes. And there's no chance we're trying to scope out Taro Trumpo Don and that psycho Targaryen bimbo in Essos. I trust you with my life, but there are limits, my love." Grin up.
"Well…Lets talk it over with Lord Tywin and see what he thinks." Porthrightly noted.
"And thanks for the implied stud compliment, sweetheart." Grin.
"She'd have to be truly a dimwit not to make a pass, honey. And don't think I won't be keeping an eye on that so-called apostle/priestess nut of Stanislaw's." firmly.
…
The Vale…Throne Room and Great Hall…
"They told me the Bunker was impregnable…" Ophelia wailed to Ser Fester and Maester Puerile as they sat, Fester on her throne and Purile on Robyn's smaller one. Guards lining the walls, including a number of Vale soldiers and nobles contently eyeing their former rulers.
"It was, my Lady." Puerile noted archly. "Just one minor defect. But we'll correct it in the new design."
Oooh, that pillow was a brilliant idea, Puerile…Fester thought, adjusting slightly.
"And that's my throne, Uncle Ser Fester…" Ophelia tried.
"We're only distant cousins except by marriage, Ophy." Fester noted. "And you have been deposed by order of King Robert Barftheron, Rex et Judicis etc, etc."
"What?! I demand the people's opinion. We vote by democratic plebiscite here in the Vale, Uncle by law…Put it to a vote…Last time I won by 99.95%." fervent nod.
"Uh-huh…" Fester eyed Puerile. "Shall we bringeth forth your electoral commissioner who'll testify you demanded he find that 99.5% vote for you? 'Find 99.5% for me!' I believe he's charged."
"Charged?! That scoundrel! Off with his head! And out the Moon Door!" she cried.
Robyn, standing rather uncomfortably beside her…Mom? Really?
"Mayhaps later…Right now, he's a protected witness." Fester, calmly.
"What about your grandnephew, in-law…Whom I'd happily marry immediately?" she noted.
Oh, eeehew…Puerile, Fester, Robyn, assorted nobles and guards.
Must be Targaryen blood in the Frumps somewhere.
"He's my sister Morticia's nephew. His rights must be respected!"
"Whatever…" Fester waved a hand. "The King'll take care of him."
Uh-boy…Robyn sighed.
May as well try flying out the Moon Door right now.
"I demand to see the King! This outrageous flaunting of our ancestral rights can not stand!" Ophelia tried.
"Ok by me…We've orders to ship you both to Kings Landing." Fester nodded. "He's charging you with rebellion and the murder of your husband though, you should know."
And might've expected, Puerile thought.
Daddy murdered, oh, no. Robyn thought. Oh, how I hate Mommie for being so evil…Yeah, that's an angle I could try.
"Murder?! Nonsense! How could I have poisoned Jon?"
"Who mentioned…Poison? My Lady?" Puerile eyed her.
"Uh, it was in the report?"
"My report, yes. Which was never sent to the Vale?" arch look.
"Well, Morticia said…In her reply…"
"To your ravenspost that mentioned poison." Fester noted calmly.
Mom? Digging us a grave here…Robyn sighed.
"And that post was dated before even your Maester did an autopsy."
"Well…I'm very perceptive about such things. I studied…Uh, chemistry, as a girl."
Ma…Will you shut up? Robyn grimaced, squeezing her hand.
"Uh-huh. And while we're not here to try you, kiddo…Several of your own nobles noticed a bunch of ravens, cats, rats, and little kids were found poisoned just before Jon Arryn came home to tell you he was making arrangements to send Robyn to Kings Landing." Fester noted.
Dear ole Dad, I loved him so…Robyn thought. You evil, wicked schemer…Glare up at Ophelia.
"While Lord Robyn was caught baiting traps, including boxes labeled 'free candy' in Vale Prime, in the poorer neighborhoods, outside several houses of ill repute but much-loved bastard children." Puerile noted.
Damn, one of the surviving bastards talked? Robyn fumed. And I gave 'em free candy!
"Uh, nonsense." Ophelia, nervously. "I defy all such calumnies and the calumnites who speak them! I loved Jon dearly as he did me…"
Fester eyeing Puerile, both smiling.
"Besides, I'm rich and they're poor." She noted, stridently.
Hey, ya can't beat that argument in this era, Robyn thought.
"Some of the nobles on the City guard watch testified to this, as well as a few distraught prostitute moms and surviving if badly injured bastards." Puerile, calmly.
"Traitors, liars, enemies of the State!" Ophelia cried… "Off with their heads!"
"It's interesting how that sounds when a dictator is out of power." Fester notes. "Boys? Take them away. Don't worry, Ophy…I've seen you have a bunch of women to attend you. Sadly most of the noble ladies have fled the capital but there were still a good number of…"
No…Ophelia, gulping…
"There she is! You killed my baby!" cry from down the hall. "Murderess! Rip her eyes out!" "Get her! And the psycho kid!" "Take her hair!" "Lemme at her.!"
"As you hear, we've told them you're not to be executed until after your fair trial." Fester nodded. "So, you'll make it to Kings Landing, more or less."
"Grand…Greatuncle!" Robyn cried. "I vas only following orders!" as he and Ophelia were dragged off. "And I'm innocent!"
"Then you have nothing to fear, kid…" Fester beamed.
Psycho putz…He noted to Puerile. Too bad neither has the guts to go for the quick exit.
…
Casterly Rock…Lannister HQ, usual clouds of ravens…Usual old Battlestar Galactica Cylon base star theme…
Parallel lines of red-cloaked guards along hallway to the nerve center of the Lannister Empire, Tywin's huge Palpatinian office.
"Lord Porthrightly and Lady Tywina Lannister to see Lord Tywin on an urgent matter." Porthrightly told the guard at door. He and Tywina having felt it safer securitywise not to bring attendants.
"A moment…Lord Lannister is…Occupied." The guard in splendid uniform of black and red noted, turning to another guard, his inferior…Also splendid if slightly less so in black and red, his cloak a bit shorted. The next guard knocking…
"Come." Tywin's voice, after a moment. The guard entering.
"A moment, my Lord…My Lady." The first guard noted.
Lady Maud, looking rather radiant at the reopened door. "Porthy! Tywina! Come on in…" she beamed, opening door wide.
"My Lady…" Tywina eyed her. "Maude…" Porthrightly nodding.
"Tywin and I were…Holding a strategy session…" she smiled. Smoothing white hair and buttoning tunic. "Do come in, and congratulations on your betrothal!"
…