Be warned: Little relapse and suicidal thoughts in this chapter!

Chapter 7:

Much had to be prepared until Jenna could officially leave the mental hospital.

Alec arranged his place to accommodate her, bringing stuff over from her flat that she hadn't been to in months to give her something familiar and comfortable. Jenna had to have a few concluding interviews with Dr. Silva after which she could be discharged.

The day she was stepping out of the hospital and into the real world felt frightening to her. No matter how much she'd longed to leave this place, Jenna always knew that she was safe there and no one could do her any harm.

The world outside was inhabited by Jack Mason and even though he was locked away now, she still feared him.

Jenna was gripping Alec's hand tightly as he led her to his car. In her other hand she clutched a bag of clothes. Her movements were stiff and robotic and she desperately tried to hide how much she was shaking.

"Hey, are you alright?" Alec asked worriedly. "We can stop. We can go back inside if it's too much yet."

"N-No. I'm fine." breathed Jenna. "It's scary to leave, but I'm ready. I don't want to go back."

"You're sure?" he insisted and she nodded. Then he suggested to put an arm around her so she would feel safer and she agreed. Clutching to him, Jenna made her way towards his car.

She wasn't talking while they were driving; too many thoughts were still swirling in her brain. They went straight to his place. He'd asked if she wanted to see her flat first, but the thought had made her heart race and she had to concentrate so she wouldn't hyperventilate. Bad memories were connected to her place now and, in hindsight, Jenna was very glad that she'd agreed to live with Alec. She couldn't fathom going back to the place where it all began and be all on her own.

Alec told her that her flat was all cleaned up and repaired. He had been there several times to check up on it. Nothing suggested anymore that Jack had ever been there, but Jenna could still do without seeing it for a while.

Alec's house stood pretty lonely halfway up the cliffs of Broadchurch. A pretty house with a great view, not quite fitting him, but she loved it at first sight even though it was all unfamiliar.

Jenna stood in the middle of his small living room, turning in a slow circle on the spot, taking it all in. She'd never been here before. On their dates, which seemed to have taken place lifetimes ago, they never met at each others home. Back then it was something Jenna decided as a precaution. She didn't want any strangers in her house at night ever again. Alec had respected that from the beginning and never questioned it.

"It's not much." said Alec just then. "But I hope you'll find everything alright."

"It's lovely. I like it very much." she said and strolled over to look out the window that overlooked the whole town. "I like how far away it is from people." said Jenna. "The thought of having to… converse with strangers still makes my skin crawl."

"Well, we have that in common." Alec muttered. She looked at him and he threw her a small, lopsided smile. She grinned back, wondering if he realized how charming he could be.

"Where is your daughter?" Jenna asked then.

"She'll be out for the day. Gives you time to settle in. We'll have dinner together tonight if you want?"

Jenna nodded with a smile. "Yah. Would be nice."

For the rest of the day Alec continued to show her around his house. He'd taken a week off work to be there for her while she familiarized herself with his place. He helped her to sort her clothes into the drawers in the bedroom. They both blushed but didn't talk about the intimacy of it all.

Weirdly, it felt like they were leaving out quite a few steps of their relationship, but they still felt comfortable in each other's presence and that was the most important thing in Jenna's opinion. Maybe, she thought, she could imagine that they were roommates. No strings attached. She was just moving in with her new roommate… and his daughter. Nothing strange about that at all.

When the evening drew closer Alec asked if she wanted to help him prepare dinner. Mostly because he admitted to be rubbish at cooking. She laughed and it surprised them both. Then she agreed to help.

In the mental hospital there were no sharp objects. Even cups and plates were made of plastic or styrofoam so the patients couldn't harm themselves. Now Jenna was somewhat nervous around knives. There was still a voice deeply inside of her that whispered dark things to her. Dirty things. Alec had addressed this topic pretty bluntly as soon as he noticed her staring at the blade of his chopping knife.

"I thought about locking all sharp objects away when you come to stay, but… somehow it felt wrong. I don't want you to think that I don't trust you with these around. I didn't want you to feel patronised. But if you do feel uncomfortable I will lock them away until you feel safer here, alright? I'm never going to hurt you and I want you to tell me if you're ever thinking about hurting yourself. Will you do that?"

She looked at him seriously and nodded. Then she stuck to stirring duties and kept her gaze firmly trained on the pots upon the stove and nothing else.

Alec's daughter Daisy came home just as dinner was ready. Jenna distantly remembered meeting her once at the very beginning of her and Alec's acquaintance and she thought she was a very bright girl. Friendly and a bit cheeky as she practically forced her dad into Jenna's life.

Now she was clearly instructed to be careful. Timidly, she greeted Jenna when they met again and mostly remained quiet during dinner unless she was spoken to. But she didn't seem frightened or unsettled by Jenna's presence, which was what Jenna had feared. Daisy was calm and kind and when dinner conversations came to an end she went into her room and told her goodnight.

That was when Alec and Jenna met with another big hurdle of suddenly, unexpectedly living together: The sleeping arrangements.

"You can have the bed." decided Alec matter-of-factly. "I will sleep on the sofa."

"No, that's not right. It's your bed. I'll take the sofa." protested Jenna.

"Jenna, you've been sleeping on that uncomfortable single bed for months. You more than deserve this. And I will keep away as long as you need me to. Honestly, I understand. It's no problem." he added when she wanted to interrupt. "In a couple of months Daisy's going to move out. I will sleep in her room then. Or you could, that would be your choice."

Embarrassed, Jenna stared towards the floor. "I'm sorry for all this trouble." she whispered.

Alec stepped towards her, slowly cradling her arms in his. "It's not trouble." he assured her. "Tell me whatever you need to feel okay and I'm doing my best to give it to you. You're in control here, Jenna. Stay as long as you want, as close as you want."

She looked up into his eyes and she wanted to then… lean up and touch his lips. But she was still scared. She didn't dare fall so hard for someone so soon. Not yet.

Instead, she hugged him. Tightly. She could do that now. At least with him. Being in his arms made her feel warm and safe and cared for. She trusted him more than she ever trusted anyone, for reasons that remained inexplicable to her.

"I suppose you wouldn't want to stay and we could share the bed?" Jenna whispered against him.

Slowly, he pulled back. "Do you want me to stay?" he asked incredulously.

"I… I don't know. I never slept next to anyone who didn't hurt me." she said dryly, which made his eyes darken and his body tense up. She could tell he was trying not to let it show, but she noticed. "No, you're probably right. I should be on my own. If I have a nightmare, I don't want you to get hurt if I can't find my way back."

Alec caressed her cheek softly with his knuckles, eyes shining with concern. "You're not on your own. If you need me I'll be there. If it's the middle of the night and you decide you want me with you, just tell me. Wake me up and tell me, please. I want you to feel safe."

Jenna blushed and she nodded timidly, eyes not meeting his.

"I'll let you get ready for bed. Shall I check on you before you turn out the lights? You could also leave them on, if you want." he added.

"Yes and yes," she said. "I think I'll leave the light on for tonight."

Alec left and then returned as promised, just as she settled into his bed. Quickly, Jenna hid her scarred arms under the blanket as he came closer, so that all of her was concealed but her head. He didn't mention it.

"Comfy?" he asked softly, sitting at the edge of the bed in his own long-sleeved nightwear.

"Yah." she said, smiling nervously but also very tired. It's been an eventful, exciting day and she couldn't keep her eyes open for much longer.

"Good." he said and he kept looking at her. A longing in his eyes that wasn't new, but that she couldn't quite place yet. "Can I… ah…" he struggled. "No, forget that I opened my mouth. It's fine. Good night, Jenna."

"No, what is it? Tell me?" she asked.

He clenched his fists nervously around the edge of the mattress. "It's… ah, you can say no, obviously. Er, I-I wanted to ask… can I kiss you goodnight? Like… on your head? I still do that with Daisy if she lets me… not that you're, I mean… err… ah… it's not the same relationship, I know that, ah… it's just..."

She started to giggle quietly, stopping his awkward rambling. It was just like it's been before. When they first met. She loved his clumsiness. He seemed so sincere when he was clumsy. Alec turned his head away, blushing quite a bit. He wanted to leave, but she stopped him. "You can." she said. Again, surprising them both.

He nodded to himself and his ears were still red as he awkwardly slid closer. Jenna closed her eyes as he leaned down, placing a feather-light kiss upon the crown of her head. It was over quick and it meant nothing; she knew that. But, still, Jenna's cheeks grew warm and she struggled to remember why she wanted to be careful with how fast she was letting him close.

"Good night." he said. "Sleep well."

Jenna did sleep well for that night, much too exhausted to do anything but slumber dreamlessly. The next few nights went on like this as well.

Alec stayed with her during the day and gave her space at night. They did mundane things like going grocery shopping to re-familiarize Jenna with dealing with more than one or two people at once. She did quite well on these little tasks. Luckily, the Broadchurch crowd was a relatively mild and friendly one so that, after shaking nervously when entering the shops, Jenna managed to calm down by the time they went out again.

They also spent more time with Daisy. To Alec's delight the two women found that they could talk for hours about the smallest things and not get bored. They both quickly decided that they quite liked each other.

Since her first days out of the hospital were running so smoothly, Jenna agreed to accompany Alec to her flat one day to get some more things she might need.

Like Alec had said, it all was cleaned up and tidy when she entered and yet, walking through the door made the hair on Jenna's skin stand on end. For the first time in months, she vividly remembered seeing Jack at the door and throwing her phone at him when he'd slipped the haunting greeting card in. She remembered hiding and lashing out at Alec when he found her.

That night, Jenna had her first nightmare since being released.

Alec shot up from the sofa so fast that he almost tumbled down from it when he heard her scream. He was running before he was fully awake. Daisy stood awkwardly in the doorway to her room. "Daise, go back to bed." he told her while hurrying past.

He arrived at the bedroom door. Jenna was breathing heavily, sitting straight up in bed, eyes wide. When she saw Alec, she stumbled from the bed and stood against the wall.

"Jenna, it's me. Alec. It's alright, you were dreaming." he told her but stopped at the door. Jenna looked at him, but wasn't talking. "It's alright. You're safe. I'm here, okay? Can you see me?"

She was still breathing raggedly, but she started nodding slowly.

"Good." said Alec. "Can I come in?" Jenna stared at him. She shook her head 'no'. "Alright, that's fine." he said. "Are you able to calm down on your own?" No answer. "It was just a nightmare, Jenna. You're safe with me, I promise."

Jenna's breathing slowed gradually. Her tensed muscles relaxed a bit and finally she stepped away from the wall and towards him. Alec stretched his arms out, slowly inching his way into the room. She was almost within reaching distance, when a small voice spoke up from behind:

"Should I call someone?" asked Daisy.

"NO!" Jenna cried out startled and lunged forward past Alec. In her hand she held a small razor blade. Daisy flinched back in shock.

"No!" Alec also exclaimed. He wanted to grab Jenna's arm, but in the last second just put his body in between Jenna and Daisy. The sudden contact made Jenna stagger backwards until she cowered on the floor against the bed with panic in her eyes.

"Don't hurt her. It's just Daisy. You're living with us, remember?" Alec tried to explain back in his calm voice. "I'm sorry I yelled. Please... don't hurt her."

His clearly concerned pleading with her made Jenna come back to herself. Blinking slowly, she first looked at him, then at Daisy somewhere behind him. Then, quickly, as if it was burning her hand, she let the razor blade fall to the ground and she pulled her legs towards her body, hid her face between her knees and started sobbing.

Breathing through, Alec glanced behind him. Daisy stood still like a statue, eyes opened wide. "Are you okay?" he whispered to her.

She nodded. "I-I'm sorry." she breathed, tears glistening in her eyes.

"S'alright. Stay in your room next time." Daisy nodded again. She was still pretty shaken up but quickly left them alone. Alec made a mental note to check on her later, explain what had happened and how she should react in situations like this in the future. But first, he needed to concentrate on Jenna.

He slowly crept closer, kneeling in front of her without touching her. "Jenna?" he asked quietly.

She lifted her face, looked at him and quickly hid it again. "A-Alec." she sobbed. "I'm s-sorry. I-I… I didn't see…"

"It's alright." he soothed. "Daisy's fine. Just as startled as you were, I guess."

"I didn't m-mean t-to." she cried between hiccuping sobs.

"I know." said Alec. "She knows that, too." He picked up the razor blade from the floor and put it in the pocket of his pyjamas. "Where did you even get this?"

"F-found. In the bathroom." confessed Jenna. "Wanted something… t-to protect myself."

"Why? No one in this house wants you any harm." Alec explained patiently. "And no one outside can harm you, either, because in order to get to you, they'd have to go past me. And I won't let anyone through. You're safe. I promise you don't need razor blades or anything else to protect yourself."

Jenna looked and listened to him. When he finished talking her face contorted in shame and anger at herself. New tears sprung to her eyes. "I'm sorry." she whispered and suddenly she stood up and ran past him out the door.

"Jenna, wait!" Alec called after her. He considered giving her room to calm down, but then he heard the front door open and close. "Jenna?" he called again more alarmed and went after her into the living room.

She wasn't there. She went outside. In the middle of the night in only her nightclothes.

Alec cursed under his breath and ran after her. He saw her getting smaller in the distance, running further up the hill, away from the house. He cursed some more and started to follow her. Those hills ended quite abruptly and the only way was straight down to the surface of the beach.

His heart pumped fast and frightened. He wanted to call out to her, beg her to stop, but he feared that realizing he was chasing her would scare her more. Jenna had reached the top. With his long legs, Alec had caught up quickly, but he was still a bit behind. As she was walking on she went out of his line of sight. "Jenna!" he now yelled after all, panic clutching at his throat. "Jenna, wait! Please!"

Alec reached the top and his head was spinning from running so fast and breathing too quickly, but he forced the weakness away. Because Jenna was standing at the edge of the cliff, her whole body shaking in the wind.

"Jenna! Don't, please don't!" Alec yelled. His voice was breaking and shrieking at the same time.

She went down on her knees, leaning forward, quite obviously crying. Nothing suggested that she had even heard him.

Alec quickly came closer, trying to get his voice back under control so he wouldn't shout at her. Recklessly, he fell to his knees next to her and kept slowly inching closer. He refused to glance towards the ground that was at least sixty feet away.

"Jenna, please... please stay with me. I'm here for you, alright? I don't want you to do this." he pleaded.

"W-Why?" sobbed Jenna. "I… I threatened your daughter. I endangered her life! I-I…" she had to pause to take a breath. "I don't deserve any of your help because I-I'm too broken! I ruin everything. You should let me go!"

"I'm not letting you go, Jenna." Alec stated firmly. He knelt next to her now, but he wasn't touching her.

"Why not?" she cried. "Please… just let me go and I won't burden anybody else."

"I won't." he told her again. "You're not burdening anyone. Daisy didn't know what she was doing, but she only meant to help. She's fine. Nothing happened."

"This time." Jenna emphasized. "I'm messed up. I'm dangerous."

Alec swallowed his fear and spoke up firmly. "Jenna, listen to me… you are not broken. None of this is your fault and nothing you do as a result of how you've been treated in the past is wrong." he pledged. "Someone has done this to you. Jack Mason… has done this to you."

Alec paused. Saying his name was a risk in a situation like this, but he needed her to understand. Jenna seemed to be clear enough to hear it.

"He has hurt you and he scared you and it's completely understandable that you're afraid and that you want to protect yourself. But you can't blame yourself for what he has done, alright? You have come so far, Jenna. You left the hospital. You're living in the real world and although it's scary for you, you face it every day. And you wanna know why?"

She was still sobbing, refusing to answer.

"Because you are strong, Jenna." said Alec. "So much stronger than him. And I'm here for you, every step of the way, I promise. I won't give up on you."

Jenna closed her eyes. Her fingers buried into the wet grass at the edge of the cliff. The water crashed against the shore far below her. "You should. I… I'm not strong enough."

"You are." countered Alec. "I know you are. We can fight this together."

"But why?!" she cried. "You don't have to do this!"

"I want to."

"Why!?"

"Because I'm in love with you, Jenna! That's why." he exclaimed passionately.

A shudder went through Jenna's body and she turned abruptly, sitting down in the grass to be able to stare into his face, startled and in shock.

Alec swallowed nervously. The confession came unexpected, but he wouldn't take it back. Not when it was the truth. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overwhelm you with this and I'm not expecting anything in return, but… it's true. I can't and I don't want to give up on you, Jenna, because I love you."

She stared. More wheezing than breathing. "No, you don't. You can't." argued Jenna.

"And why not?"

"B-Because—"

"Because you're too broken to be loved?" he added for her and then softly shook his head. "Jenna, I… I really liked you from the very beginning. Daisy was a good matchmaker, I guess." He smiled. "I enjoyed spending time with you before all of this happened. I've seen how low you can get and I've seen what happens when you get scared. But I'm still here."

Silently, Jenna started crying again. Goosebumps erupted all over her skin and she shivered. Alec wasn't touching her yet.

"I don't mind any of it, because I know it's not your fault. I want to see you get better again and I want to be there to help. If you want me to." he added softly. "If you come down from here and you realize at some point that you're not feeling the same way about me, that's okay. I won't force you into anything. But if you let me, I'll stay by your side until then and fight off any nightmare with you. Just... don't give up now!" he pleaded. "Don't let him win. You're stronger than him. I promise, you are!"

Jenna's lips were trembling, her whole body shaking like leaves on a tree, fighting to speak. "I-I do… I d-do love you, too." she stammered and sobbed. "I n-never felt like that about a-anyone. I feel save with you. I… I… love you, Alec."

She broke down crying completely. Finally, he reached out and touched her shoulder. Sliding his hand over her back until she collapsed into his arms and shook and cried. He held her tightly, still crouching together at the edge of the cliff. Her skin was ice-cold by now and he tried to warm her as best as he could. "Shh, shh, it's alright." he soothed.

"I'm s-sorry. I didn't want to scare Daisy. Please, forgive me." she sobbed into his chest, clutching a hand into the fabric of his shirt.

"Of course, it's alright. Don't feel bad. We're okay; we still care about you." He rocked her close to his body, whispering calming words into her hair. "Please, don't run up here again. I don't want you to get hurt, love. I don't want to lose you already."

Jenna cried some more, holding on to him. But then she suddenly seemed to have registered what he just called her. "Y-You love me?" she asked again.

"Yes." he answered with a small smile and pressed a gentle kiss to her hair. "I do."

Jenna closed her eyes and held him tighter. Willingly, she let herself be soothed by his embrace.