Dear El,
If I would have been asked 10 years ago who the one person was, I knew best in the world my answer would have been you. You were my everything. Your entire being became entwined in who I wanted to be and how I saw myself. It got to the point where there were times that I couldn't tell where you ended, and I began; and I didn't care. You were my savior in a world where I felt like I was constantly struggling to survive. There was no doubt in my head that we would somehow find a way to end up together. In a life/career always focused on the depravity of society you were my guiding light. The one constant. My home. My future. Then you left. No phone call. No text. No goodbye. I was alone drifting out at sea with no light to guide me home. There were days, months, years where I am not sure how I managed to survive. But every day I woke up, got out of bed, and found reasons to continue to fight. Eventually, I was no longer struggling to survive, I was thriving. I was moving up in rank. I was starting to put the pieces of the life I always wanted to have together. I started to figure out who I was without you. Then you came back acting like you didn't just vanish from my life for the past 10 years; and I let you. I wish I could blame it entirely on the tragedy that struck your family. But as much as I loathe to admit this, I know that even if tragedy hadn't struck, I still would have let you waltz back into my life like you did. Because even though I was figuring out my life without you, there was still a piece of my heart wishing/hoping for that fantasy life with you.
So, I let myself lose myself in you. I let you back into my life and it was like those 10 years never happened. I was back completely under your thrall. I became your most loyal supporter, your absolution, and your salvation. I became whoever/whatever you needed me to be for you. I forced myself to only remember the good times of our past. To remember every time, you put your badge and life on the line to save me. Forced myself to ignore all the red flags that have been flying in front of my face begging to be acknowledged for the past 20 years. That way I could continue to push down all the anger that I have towards you. That way I could continue to convince myself that you were who I was meant to be with. I could let myself believe that you are coming back when you did was the universe's way of proving that our lives were always and will always be entwined. Because, If I let myself feel all of my anger towards you and to see you for who you are (who you have always been) then I would have to acknowledge and accept the fact that I have wasted the past 20 years of my life pining for a man who was never supposed to be more than my partner at work. And this was not a fact that I was willing to face.
You were my cult leader, and I was your dutiful worshiper. I had completely brainwashed myself into believing that you were the love of my life that I had to push away anyone who threatened that belief system. I convinced myself that the person who actually was always there for me, who believed in me like no one else, and who knew not only the good but the dark and twisted parts of my soul was threatened by you. I redirected all the anger that should have been bestowed upon you and unleashed it on him. And, yet as he walked away from me his parting words were "when you are ready to stop being betrayed by me, I'll be here". This more than anything was the catalyst of my deprogramming because I truly believe he means it. That he will be there for me with open arms and ready to work through our past grievances without burying them.
It took me far longer than I would like to admit realizing that the way you say you love me is not and has never been the way that I deserve to be loved. I will always be grateful for the partnership we had but, for the first time ever in our relationship I need to put myself first. It is my choice now to figure out who I am without you. To find out what it means to truly love myself…and along the way find my unconditional love.
-Liv
I do not own Law and Order SVU or its characters