Chapter 6.
"Go away!" Nancy shouted angrily at the knocking.
She had still been lying where she'd thrown herself when her Dad had left - face down on the bed - and in the same state she'd thrown herself down in - with her clothing not back in its usual place - wallowing in the last grunting and coughing act of her crying when Clara had come in earlier with her dinner.
Clara had helped Frances wrestle Nancy into plenty of baths in her time, so it wasn't that she was particularly embarrassed by her denuded state and she knew all the staff had probably seen her or her brother or sister get smacked at some point - or at the very least heard them being threatened with it - but having Clara walk in when she'd been lying there having a cry and the evidence of her red behind all there for the seeing was something else. Besides, it was Clara who'd been talking about her - telling Robert Mrs Shelby was the angriest she'd ever seen her and in that moment for her gossiping and for her coming into her space, Nancy hated Clara's guts.
"You fuck off," she'd told her as she had bustled, business like into Nancy's room like it was hers and deposited a tray down on the table Nancy sometimes drew at.
"Charming," Clara had replied sarcastically.
She was much younger than Mary or Frances and although she called Nancy's Mum and Dad Sir or Mr Shelby or Mrs Shelby or Ma'am, she never bothered calling Nancy Miss the way Frances or Mary did.
"I mean it!" Nancy had tried to shout - though her voice was more croak and crack than really permitted shouting, "Fuck off. And take that with you, I don't want it!"
Clara had folded her arms and raised an eyebrow, "Shall I go down and ask Mary to tell the Master or the Mistress that you don't want it - and tell them how you've phrased it too?"
Nancy had just glared.
"No, I didn't think so," Clara retorted, "So I'll just leave it there for you and you can do as you please - doesn't bother me if you go hungry or not."
Nancy had gripped handfuls of the bedspread then, curling her fingers into tight, angry fists, wishing all manner of ill on Clara, thinking how she'd like to crack the plate of food down on Clara's stupid head.
She'd been about to scream at her when Clara had stopped right at the door and said, "And after all the trouble you've caused for everyone today, I think you're very lucky to be getting sent up supper at all - I'd have been sent to bed without it if I'd disappeared like you did, nevermind if I'd pulled the disappearing act before something important."
For whatever reason, that pronouncement had set Nancy off onto a fresh set of tears and she'd screamed and cried and drummed her feet into the bed, swinging between feeling enraged and guilty and sad and lost and furious and sorry and unforgiven and unforgivable.
She'd cried herself out since then, even scarfed down the food she'd protested the delivery of - slightly cold but still tasty enough roast chicken and potatoes with questionable veg that she didn't touch - and changed into her pyjamas. But she still wasn't in the mood for any visitors.
"I said go away!" she shouted again as the door swung open.
"Aye well, I decided I was ignoring you and coming in anyway," Katie replied blithely.
Nancy felt her cheeks heat up. She looked awkwardly at the book she was lying on her side reading, avoiding Katie's eyes. She usually loved to see her cousin, but she knew Katie knew exactly what had happened, and although she would often regale them all with tales of what she'd got up to when she was young, there was a difference in the idea that the Katie of the stories had been reddened like Nancy had been and the grown up Katie standing in her bedroom now, an adult when it came down to it in the them vs us battle the Shelby kids had with their elders, and an adult who was no doubt on her father's side of it all.
"Budge over then," Katie said, putting a knee up on Nancy's bed, making to get onto it with her.
Nancy wriggled across reluctantly, chancing to look at Katie's face as she did so, searching for judgement. She didn't find it, but she was sure it was lurking under the surface somewhere.
Katie settled in, resting back against the pillows and crossing her legs before eyeing the book, "What you reading?"
Wordlessly, Nancy flipped it closed to show the battered cover. It was Swallows And Amazons - one of Charlie's old books - and one of Nancy's favourites, about a group of children who got on a boat and went off to discover an island. And there she was, not even allowed near the pond in her own back garden - it wasn't fair and she sighed at the injustice of it.
"I'm so sorry me interrupting you is such a hardship," Katie said sarcastically, misinterpreting the sigh, reaching over to poke Nancy in the ribs, "There's me gutted I didn't get to see you earlier and making the effort to get away so we could catch up and here you are sighing about it."
"S'not that," Nancy said, shaking her head and rolling onto her back, only to roll right back onto her side.
She stared at a fuzzy wool thread that was poking out of Katie's waistcoat for the sake of not meeting her eye, knowing Katie knew fine well why she'd just mindlessly rolled onto her back then rolled right back off it.
"What is it then?"
"Nothin's fair," Nancy told her, sighing again.
Katie snorted and gave her a little nudge, "C'mon now, you can't expect to piss off on a night like this, get your Mum all wound up and come home to a warm reception, can you?"
Nancy just shrugged. She loved Katie, but there was no point trying to explain anything to her. She was an adult after all. Favourite cousin or not.
"Nance - you've had your hiding, we've all been there - it's done now…" Katie said, her eyebrows knitting together in a concerned frown, "There's no need for sulking - and s'not like you to sulk either."
"S'not done though!" Nancy whined, pushing herself up to meet Katie eye to eye, "Dad said he reckons I've earned a spanking every night for a week and that we'd have to see what Mum said. And he never…"
She trailed off, feeling her throat thick. She didn't think she could cry again - she didn't have any tears left in her surely - but her throat could still constrict, it seemed.
"He never what?" Katie asked.
She took a deep breath before choking out, "He never said it was done - he always says, but he didn't."
"Oh Jesus, Nance, c'mere," Katie said, putting her arms around Nancy and pulling her to her.
Nancy's face could have been pressed against her father, the slightly scratchy wool of Katie's outfit was the same as his suits and the thought made her belly ache, wishing her Dad would come back and be here with her.
"You listen to me, eh?" Katie said, hugging her "Your dad's only not said it's done so your mum can have her say - and I know your mum, as long as she reckons you've learned your lesson, she'll be done."
"She was furious though," Nancy muttered into Katie's shoulder.
"Aye, she was that," Katie nodded.
"I hope you're not in here telling her she should have been let off," Lily's voice entered the conversation as the door opened again and she came into the room, "She earned herself a damn good spanking with her nonsense."
Nancy pulled her head out of Katie's embrace to glare at her. She didn't want Lily's self righteous input.
"Of course I'm not telling her that and there's no need to be a twat, Lils, she knows she's fucked up," Katie jumped in, "'Sides, Uncle Tommy's dealt with it and you know yourself there's no way she's had a Tommy Shelby spanking and not been made to feel very sorry so she's not needing you in here going on at her."
Nancy felt a surge of love for Katie and tightened the hold her arm had taken around her cousin's waist.
"Ah you're right," Lily sighed, coming over and climbing onto the bed, settling herself at the end, "I'm not trying to come in and be a scold, Nance, but tonight was really important - it was the culmination of months of work…"
Lily trailed off, but Nancy felt her hand land on her leg and give it a squeeze.
"I'm sorry - I just - I hate these dinner things…" Nancy muttered, focusing back on the tones of Katie's waistcoat.
She didn't really know why she was apologising to Lily - it wasn't as if Lily was in charge of her properly, like her mum and dad were. But whilst she knew Katie might be on her parents' side of things, she also knew Katie wasn't in looking for apologies from her. She imagined Lily was.
Katie and Lily were so opposite they were like the angel and a devil in a play - Katie with her dark hair, dressed in her dark trousers and waistcoat with a grey shirt underneath it, complete with tie, tie pin and large wristwatch and Lily in her light silk evening gown with her golden curls and pale skin. It was almost laughable that they were best friends - and always had been.
"You were only needed for an hour - maximum," Lily said, impatience creeping into her tone.
She wasn't Nancy's Dad's daughter by birth, but she reminded Nancy intensely of him as she looked coldly at her. She didn't share his facial features but the faces they pulled, the movements of the muscles, were the same.
She held herself rigid for a second, then sagged a little, squeezed Nancy's leg again and said, "Well, it's done now. And I'm sure Daddy did his usual thorough job…"
She trailed off, as if she was waiting for Nancy to confirm it - but Nancy's focus was back onto Katie's waistcoat and she wasn't going to give anyone any confirmations at all.
"Anyway, I'll do a more thorough job on you myself if you ever repeat this," Lily said after a few moments of silence, "But if it cheers you up in any way I reckon you might have helped overall actually. I think they all thought Rosie would be a right pushover if she was in charge of a load of children, so I think seeing and hearing how angry she can get might have actually cleared any of the doubts they had. You could argue you did her a favour, in a way."
What a stupid thing to say - there was nothing about it that made Nancy feel better.
Katie snorted, Nancy's thoughts obviously plain on her face.
"I'll tell you something that might actually make you feel a bit better - though you'll probably not believe me," she said, "Is that I reckon in terms of favours - your Dad did you one by stepping in. The look your Mum had on her, I don't reckon you'd be here, living and breathing right now if he hadn't taken over. We'd have spent the night out the back digging you a nice wee grave by the stables."
"I'll second that," Lily said, pulling a face, "She doesn't lose it much Rosie, but when she does…"
Nancy knew her mother had been furious, more furious than she'd ever seen her, but given that her behind was still tender from her father's ministrations, she couldn't quite bring herself to feel she'd been done any favours.
"D'you mind the time we spent that money we raised for the Brownies Lil?" Katie said, sniggering at the memory.
"Oh Jesus, aye. And we thought we could borrow some and sort it out later?"
"We devised what we thought-"
"You devised what you thought!" Lily flared, as if still resentful however many years later.
"Alright, I devised what I thought was a great bloody plan," Katie said, grinning widely now, "And it would have been if it wasn't for your Mum, Nancy. So we raised this money, quite a chunk of it - having the Shelby name behind us helped, no one wanted to be the one to turn us down. Well, we felt like kings, looking at the money all adding up in the cashbox Aunt Pol had given us from the shop to keep it in. But we must have been - what, about nine?"
Lily nodded, "About that."
"And the temptation was too great to resist," Nancy laughed, "So a wee chunk of that money got spent."
"I'm still surprised our teeth didn't fall out from the haul we got ourselves between the baker's and the sweet shop," Lily snorted.
"Problem was, Nance, once we'd spent it we realised it was all written down on the sheet and that it was going to be noticed missing - we needed to replace it and even after me going around and demanding money from every kid on Watery Lane we still hadn't even made a dent into making it up. So that was when my great plan came into play. We waited til the end of the working day, figured all the adults were off to The Garrison. I got the combination to the safe from my Dad the night before. Snuck in, figuring we could borrow a couple of quid to hand in to the Brownies, so they wouldn't know we'd spent the money in the first place, and figuring we could replace what we borrowed from the shop over the next couple of weeks."
"If I recall - you actually reckoned we could take the money from the safe and it would be so little money in the first place compared to a day's takings in the shop that it wouldn't even be missed," Lily grinned, shaking her head, "As if Daddy would let any rogue pennies disappear without a full investigation nevermind pounds! I've still no idea how I let you talk me into that one at all."
"Because we knew we were looking at trouble anyway for spending the money in the first place, and any chance to avoid trouble is worth the risk of more trouble to a couple of kids."
"True - looking back, we should have thrown ourselves at the mercy of Arthur," Lily said with a chuckle, "There's a half and half chance of whether he'd have told us off or whether he'd have found it funny, but either way he'd have probably given us the missing money and kept it between us and him."
"You're right - but we were too panicked to think of anything that straight forward," Katie laughed heartily, "Much better to come up with something convoluted and dangerous, eh?"
"That was always your way."
Lily and Katie laughed to themselves for a bit before Katie straightened up, looked at Nancy and went back to telling it, "Anyway Nance, there we are in the safe, helping ourselves to the money, thinking we've solved our problem and are about to get away with it and your mother walks in on us - and Jesus Mary and Joseph did she go spare."
"I mean not that I wanted to admit it at the time, but quite rightly so," Lily said, shaking her head, "Daddy would have blamed one of the workers in the shop, we could have got one of them fired."
"Or shot."
"Katie! Don't say things like that!" Lily hissed, nodding at Nancy as if she couldn't see her doing it.
"Oh, I shouldn't laugh," Katie replied, shaking as she did what she'd said she shouldn't be doing, "I wouldn't if anything worse had happened from it - but we got caught so no one got hurt but us. Anyway Nancy, your mother screamed blue bloody murder at us, which attracted your dad's attention 'cause it turned out he wasn't away to The Garrison yet after all my clever planning, and he comes in and grabs Lily - purely cause she was nearer him - and that meant it was your mother who took a hold of me. I've never felt my arm squeezed that tightly, I remember looking up at her and just about pissing myself. We got marched round to The Garrison, Lily crying all the way and making a bloody show of us - I reckon every kid on Watery Lane got a right laugh out of our predicament that day thanks to your theatrics Lils!"
"I was probably trying to show how sorry I was and get us off more lightly - just cause you were never one for trying for the sympathy vote!"
"Well, one look at your mother's face Nancy, you'd have known there was no point in that logic - there was no one getting off lightly at all that day. She was the same that day as she was downstairs tonight with you. Terrifying."
Katie lapsed into silence, an amused look on her face as she relived her memories. Nancy couldn't imagine getting to a point in her life where reliving a night like tonight would make her look amused. Still, it made her feel slightly less alone to hear Katie's story.
"So what happened?" she prompted.
"Oh it was fucking horrible, Nance, we got marched round to The Garrison, your mum pulling me along so fast I was basically being dragged more than I was moving my own feet - and they were all in the snug - my dad and Esme and Uncle Arthur and Aunt Pol and a couple of the others - Scudboat and Lovelock and that. Can't rightly swear who was there but in my mind it's like we were facing a room packed to the rafters with people, like there were so many of them they were squeezed in there ear to ear and standing on each other's shoulders. And your mum pushes me forward and orders the two of us to tell everyone what we've been at. So we do our best to tell it - trying to paint ourselves in a half decent light, bearing in mind I can feel your mother's anger thrumming at me, so I can hardly speak-"
"For once!" Lily interjected.
Nancy stuck out her tongue at Lily before looking back to Nancy as she continued, "Anyway - our version isn't acceptable, as I'm sure you can guess - so your mum takes over and starts shouting about how she's walked in on us stealing - she didn't seem to be understanding that it was just a wee loan we were helping ourselves to - and Lily's fully bawling and even my knees are knocking a bit as she outlines it all to everyone. Cause they're all on her side, seeing it as stealing."
"Which it was, really - especially given you had suggested we could take it and not put it back," Lily said, her voice that snotty way it did whenever she started telling them off for moaning about their dad.
"Oh shut up you!" Katie said, kicking at Lily, who squealed.
Nancy gave her first laugh since before she'd come home that night and Katie winked at her, grinning as she continued, "So I'm shitting myself standing there Nance, not sure if this mad woman who's replaced my usually quite serene Aunty Rosie is going to murder me, and aware if she doesn't that Aunt Pol's sitting a bit too near me for comfort given the look she's got on her face. The upshot of it all was that I got my arse blistered by my dad and Lils caught it from yours - but the point is I've never felt so lucky as I did when your mum handed me over. Reckoned even back then that no matter what my dad put me through, and he put me through it alright, 'specially since he realised what I'd been at with getting the code out of him - and I imagine he knew he was going to be getting it in the ear behind closed doors from Uncle Tommy and Aunt Pol for giving it to me - but I knew even then no matter what he dished out, it was going to be nothing compared to what your mum would have if it had been left to her. And I reckon you were in the same boat tonight - no matter how bad you got it, you got it easier than if your Mum had delivered it."
Nancy considered this for a minute but came to the conclusion, "I think if Uncle John had come out and taken over I might have felt luckier than Dad coming out."
Lily laughed at that, "Quite right, you tell her Nancy. It's an obvious choice that you'd feel lucky if John was the one left to deal with you rather than Rosie or Daddy."
Nancy looked at her properly. She didn't realise how much she'd been avoiding Lily's gaze until then.
"I'll tell you when else I felt damn lucky not to have Aunty Rosie's rage coming down on me," Katie said, clicking her tongue, "That day she was at our school after that report card debacle. I still remember the look on her face as she walked us out to the car. I was damn glad that day that I wasn't in your shoes, Lil."
Lily pulled a face and shifted at the end of the bed, "You were right to have been feeling lucky. As far as run ins with Rosie go, that was one of my worst - if not the worst. Probably one of the worst of all time, from anyone actually."
"What happened?" Nancy asked, morbidly curious.
Lily sighed, "I don't want to go into it - let's just say I ate a few meals standing up after it - and that my backside tingles even now when I think about it. And I learned a good few lessons about not taking things from the post that aren't addressed to me and not signing things on Daddy's behalf."
Whilst Katie looked amused as she had told the story about being caught taking the money, Lily looked grave as she thought about whatever had happened.
"It was the timing of it all that made it terrible," she sighed, "I'd gotten a spanking from Daddy over the report card and the missing post - but it was the very next day that Rosie was at the school and found out I'd forged Daddy's signature, so I got it two days in a row and the second day Ada was visiting from London and Daddy arrived back from the station with her and Freddie and Karl right in the middle of it. It was horrible."
She shivered and Nancy suddenly felt really quite sorry for her. She was a lot softer than Katie, was Lily, and although she could be uppity with Nancy and her siblings and cousins at times when Nancy would have appreciated a bit more sympathy, she knew Lily bruised more easily than Katie did. And whilst Lily wasn't in charge of her, tonight had been important to Lily too, she'd been part of that work - and she was up here and not rubbing Nancy's face in how much of a mess she'd made of it like Nancy had assumed she had come along to do, even trying to tell her she might have done her mother a favour…
"I'm sorry," she said in a very small voice.
"Oh it was years ago," Lily attempted to make her voice breezy, "I deserved it, I don't deny that, and I learned from it - but it was horrible…"
"And do you think getting it from Rosie that day was worse than if your dad had done it?" Nancy said pointedly.
"I suppose it was," Lily nodded.
"See, Nance, I was right - you should feel lucky, even if it was your dad and not mine you had to deal with."
Nancy chewed her lip before saying, still in a very small voice, "No, I mean sorry for tonight, for making a mess of your night…"
Lily eyed her in silence for a moment before saying, speaking carefully, "Nancy - I'll get over it - and so will Rosie. And like I said, you might have done her a favour in some ways - but you didn't do yourself any. I didn't come up here to make you feel bad, but it's the same as that horrible spanking I got - it's your timing. We're at war. Isaiah -"
Her voice quavered as she said Isaiah's name and her mouth snapped shut. Nancy's stomach twisted, something about the look on Lily's face and the way her voice had given way for a second hitting her like a gut punch.
Lily straightened her spine and went on, "And Finn and George and the twins are all off fighting. Charlie and Billy want to go once they're old enough. Daddy and John and Arthur all fought in the last war - believing it was so there wouldn't be another one and now they're watching their youngest brother and their sons go off to the same horrors they faced, not knowing if…" She trailed off again before gritting her teeth, her jaw tensing and her voice going grim as she went on, "And you know Daddy, he thought he could stop this whole bleeding war single handedly and he didn't. So doing something - managing it somehow is important to him and Rosie, they need to feel they can control something, you know how they are. Tonight wasn't important just because the work itself is important or worthwhile - it wasn't just about the evacuees - it was important for us as a family for a whole load of reasons. What we all do, what the Shelby's do, in this war - it's important. All of it."
"Lils - Nancy doesn't need to know all of that," Katie said, her voice gentle, reaching forward her hand open for Lily's, squeezing it when it was given.
Nancy wasn't quite sure what half of what Lily had said really meant, or why her Dad had thought he could stop a world war on his own, but her insides had started twisting when Lily had mentioned Isaiah and wouldn't stop now.
"No - but Rosie explained to her what this was about, explained why it was important - that it's bigger than being about any of us individually."
"Yeah but Nancy's six, Lils, the bigger picture doesn't carry much weight yet does it? That's why she didn't come back in - she didn't grasp the bigger picture, no matter what Rosie told her. What she absolutely will have grasped is that not coming back in on time resulted in a sore arse though, eh Nance?"
"Alright Thomas Shelby the second!" Lily snorted.
Nancy shrugged, "It was something I learned from him - if you're soft on rebellion, it'll grow. You come down hard, it gets people back in line."
Lily huffed, muttering, "Soft on rebellion!" under her breath and rolling her eyes.
"Do you not remember being six - we couldn't see past the end of any of our own wants nevermind try and understand doing our bit for a war. Fairer to make her understand that not doing as she's told means she'll get a hiding than it is to try lumping that on her."
Nancy flared, "I can do my bit!"
"Maybe you nevermind about your bit and just try and do as you're told for a while," Lily said with a laugh.
"S'not funny! I can do my bit! I'm a Shelby too."
"Alright, Nance, we know," Kate said, ruffling her hair, "You've already done your bit anyway."
"I have?"
"Yeah - like Lily said - you might have helped cinch these contracts for the Shelby Foundation after all. When they're singing war songs in a few years time, remembering all the great victories - your name will be up there with the rest of them."
Nancy smiled at that, imagining her Mum and Dad being very proud of her as her name was read out by the prime minister. She had met Mr Churchill a few times when he'd come to the house with other men to discuss government business with her dad. In her head he read out the names of some other people then he got to hers and cleared his throat before saying, 'Now, a very special, personal friend of mine, whose contributions to house evacuees went above and beyond anything else done by anyone else in the war - Miss Nancy Shelby.' And everyone went wild, clapping and cheering her name and her Mum and Dad were there, beaming at her as she went onto the stage to collect her medal from Mr Churchill…
"It'll be called The Ballad of Nancy Shelby," Katie continued, musing aloud, "And it'll go something like this -
Gallantly she went over her Daddy's knees,
To help find a home for evacuees,
Her Daddy made sure her bottom burned,
Which meant downstairs the tables turned
And the housing contracts all got signed,
Thanks to Nancy's sore behind."
The smile was instantly wiped off Nancy's face as she scowled at Katie's rhyme, whilst her older cousin and Lily threw back their heads and laughed.
Thank you for reading and commenting - it's very much appreciated!