A/N: finally moving this forward one step at a time. Please leave me a review, constructive criticism is welcome if it will help me write better.
Chapter 6.
Amanda was just as surprised as Olivia when the nurse had said the words informing her friend was pregnant. This was going to be so difficult for Olivia. She didn't even know that the older woman had been seeing anyone before she had arrived but her new friend and love interest was having a baby. Amanda decided that she would push the romantic feelings aside for the time being as whatever Olivia decided to do she was going to need support.
Olivia had been discharged after 24 hours, given prenatal vitamins and a list of do's and don'ts whilst pregnant. As she was of an advanced maternal age they wanted to see her in a few weeks to do an ultrasound to see how the land lay with regards to herself and the baby.
Amanda helped her back to her apartment and carried Olivia's bag and guided her up the stairs. Olivia was silent. She was still digesting her feelings towards the unborn soul residing in her womb. She had always wanted a baby and although she didn't picture it happening this way she had pretty much decided she was going to keep this baby. The fallout of that decision was still to play out though and that frightened her. She didn't even have a number to call for Elliot and she wasn't even sure she wanted to tell him. This was her baby. Screw Elliot.
Her thoughts turned to the blonde who was now bustling around her kitchen making tea. She ruminated for a second on her feelings towards her. She was a kind and big hearted woman who had obviously battled her own demons. They had spent a lot of time together over the last six weeks and Olivia was surprised she had so much depth of feeling for her already. This domesticity felt so natural for them both. Never before had she ever felt so comfortable having someone in her personal space for any extended period of time. Visitors were fine ; after all they went home and were scheduled for the most part. Having Amanda around didn't feel like an intrusion at all. In fact she felt safer with the young blonde hanging about.
Safe. She pondered the word for a brief moment. That's the word Amanda had used a few weeks ago when she had declared her romantic feelings for her. So they both felt safe, that's a good starting point. Olivia's musing was interrupted by a cup of tea that appeared in front of her on the coffee table.
"Careful, it's still hot" Amanda almost whispered as she watched Olivia take hold of the mug letting the hot liquid warm her palms.
"Thanks" Olivia smiled weakly "you know I was just thinking of you" Olivia confessed.
"Really? I thought you would be kind of busy thinking about the baby" Amanda lifted an eyebrow questioningly.
"Yeah I started thinking about the baby then my thoughts moved to you" Olivia began "I'm pretty set on keeping the baby already so that's resolved for now" she stared into the blue eyes in front of her who had now pulled over a chair to sit opposite her.
"I was thinking that this is nice, I like having you here." Olivia took her first sip of tea for something to do as she surveyed Amanda.
"Hmm it is nice, I agree" She returned Olivia's smile "You know I'm here for you in whatever capacity you need. It's good that you've made a decision." Amanda cleared her throat before asking the question that was burning in her mind since she had heard that the older woman was pregnant "So who's the guy?" Amanda looked down half wanting to know and half not wanting the answer.
"Um...it's a complicated situation Amanda and if I tell you then you can't tell anybody else. Like ever!" Olivia paused and saw the blonde nod in understanding so she continued "It's Elliot's" She whispered.
"Elliot Stabler? Your old partner?" Amanda was shocked "the rumours were true then?" She asked aloud in disbelief.
"No the rumours weren't true. It happened once, just after he left he showed up here and I was drunk and heartbroken and so relieved to see him that things just happened. I had always kept things in check between us for 13 years. He was married and I wasn't that woman." Olivia was almost angry both at Amanda for asking the question and for herself for feeling hurt when she remembered the way he had walked out straight after. The way he leapt away from her like he had been burnt.
"Okay. So are you gonna tell him?" Amanda asked again half wanting to not know the answer. She was pretty sure she was in love with this woman and she didn't want her to run off into the sunset to go be a family with her baby daddy.
"No, he's still married and I don't know where he is or how to contact him." Olivia rested her hand on her flat abdomen "my mother did it alone and so can I" She frowned a little, brows furrowing together and added as an after thought "Although I would like to do a better job than she did" She shrugged a little and drank more tea.
"You're not alone Olivia , not if you don't want to be" Amanda got up and sat next to her on the couch and pulled the older detective into her arms and just held her for what seemed like an hour. She felt the woman in her arms relax and within a few minutes Olivia was asleep in the blondes arms. At peace for once.
Amanda studied her face so relaxed in sleep. She saw the tough exterior melt away and was even more captivated than she had been before. She was truly beautiful. A complete contradiction in terms. Strong but vulnerable. Clever but also naïve. Those things were insignificant in comparison to how beautiful she was inside and out though. Amanda let herself relax and ran her fingers through Olivia's brown waves softly, comforting them both. Before she knew it she was asleep too.
Amanda woke first bringing her head up from the back of the couch and wincing at the crick in her neck she then felt the warmth and weight of Olivia against her chest and took a moment to breathe in her scent. This felt so good. Even though she was still so conflicted about what they were doing. Dancing on this line between friends and lovers was difficult but she would allow herself to enjoy this feeling. Just another few minutes won't hurt.
Olivia stirred against her and mumbled in her sleep and just as she was about to run a soothing hand through the brunettes hair she felt the arm around her waist grasp her tighter and fingers of the other hand were trailing over her ribs and gently cupping at her breast.
Amanda sat frozen in her seat as a wave of arousal went straight to her core. She cut off a strangled moan in her own throat before it could escape. She shuffled a little and slowly and carefully prepared to remove the hand that was squeezing her sensitive flesh when the brown eyes snapped open and Amanda watched the blush rise to her cheeks as Olivia became aware of the position of her hands. Olivia jerked herself backwards to the other side of the couch in embarrassment.
"I'm so sorry Amanda" Olivia mumbled "I never meant to..." She trailed off.
"Olivia you were sleeping, we both were. I only woke a few minutes before you did and I knew you weren't aware of what you were doing so it's fine. I was just about to move your hand when you woke up" Amanda giggled a little "you're cute when you're flustered" She took Olivia's hand in hers and pulled her back into her arms "Anyway I kind of liked it" She winked.
"Uh" Olivia was speechless. She wasn't used to being so inexperienced when it came to her sexual feelings. She usually just got what she wanted when she wanted it but this was new and it was more intimate than she had ever been with another person in such a long time.
Amanda grinned at the bashful detective and stood. Checked the time on her phone and saw it was only 3am.
"How about you eat something and then get into your ridiculously comfortable bed and get some much needed rest?" Amanda suggested.
"Yeah we could do that if I had any food in the house" Olivia admitted. "I have coffee creamer and maybe some questionable thai food that's been my fridge for about a week." She grumbled.
"Hmm there's a 24 hour bodega across the street right?" Amanda said slipping her coat on before thinking "What does the mama to be want for dinner?" She asked before Olivia could protest.
"mmm, Pass me that list from the doctor please?" She checked it carefully scanning the amount of don't eats she scowled. No soft cheeses, deli meats, rare steak. Great all her favourites were out.
"can you cook?" she asked Amanda warily.
"I can to a point but most things I can make are southern specialities." Amanda admitted.
"like, give me an idea so I know that you aren't gonna poison me" Olivia joked.
"Like fried chicken, mac and cheese, collard greens, cornbread. That sort of thing" Amanda sighed hoping she wasn't about to have to start making fried chicken at 3am.
"It's kind of late to be making those kind of things can you make spaghetti?" She requested suddenly craving tomato and garlic with cheese.
"Only if the sauce comes out of a jar" Amanda smiled when the brunette nodded her approval "anything with that?" She asked her friend.
"Cheese lots of it and garlic bread if they have it" Olivia instructed "I'm guessing wines off the menu" She pouted a little.
"You guess correct" Amanda grabbed her purse and went to the door and less than 30 minutes later she returned to the apartment carrying 3 large grocery bags to find Olivia showered and changed into her pyjamas with a pair of black glasses perched on her nose reading on her ipad.
"Jesus did you buy the whole store?" Olivia got up and tried to help but the blonde wouldn't allow it.
"Nope but you have nothing here and you need to start taking care of yourself for that baby" Amanda started unpacking the bags onto the counter. Olivia watched curiously as each item became visible. A dozen eggs, milk, de-cafe coffee, real cream, hard cheddar cheese, bacon, 2 packs of dried spaghetti, 2 onions, garlic bread, sour dough bread, orange juice, a bag of oatmeal and crackers. Then there were the veggies, 2 bell peppers, a head of broccoli, carrot sticks, peanut butter and a bag of spinach. Lastly she unpacked a 6 pack of ginger ale.
"Amanda this is too much, you didn't have to do all this at nearly 4am" Olivia shook her head in disbelief.
"This is enough for the next few days that's all. It's dinner, breakfast and a few healthy snacks. That's it" Amanda grabbed s skillet and rinsed it off along with a larger pot she had located at the back of one of the cabinets. All of Olivia's pots and pans were a little dusty. She obviously didn't cook so much.
As she cooked Olivia put away all the groceries she had purchased and questioned the ginger ale she was holding.
"This for you?" She raised an eyebrow "Cause it's kind of disgusting I'm more of a sprite kind of gal" she informed the blonde.
"It's for you, if you get nauseous, so are the crackers" Amanda answered adding salt to the water for the spaghetti.
"Oh, right" Olivia said putting them in the fridge. She picked her ipad back up and sat at a stool in front of the counter and continued to read.
Amanda broke her concentration when she asked "What cha reading there detective?" She enquired trying to keep the easy conversation flowing between them.
"Early weeks of pregnancy what to expect" Olivia answered "I never thought I'd get the chance to do this so I never looked into it" She shrugged "So much to worry about. It's kind of freaking me out a little" she admitted shyly.
"then don't let it, the doctor said everything looked normal so far but we won't know more until you go for your ultrasound" Amanda looked into the concerned brown eyes and added "I can be there with you if you need me to, hold your hand and everything. I meant what I said; you're not alone unless you wanna be" She took the spaghetti off the stove to drain it and added the jar of sauce and stirred it in and began grating cheese as she thought about Olivia and the baby. This was all so quick but she couldn't deny it all felt so right. Late night cooking and chatting with her felt so natural.
"I'd like that" Olivia relied her voice soft.
"Yeah? Then I'll be there" Amanda smiled and placed two plates of spaghetti on the counter in front of her with a plate with the garlic bread and a small bowl with grated cheese in the centre. "now eat" She instructed taking the stool next to her they both began to eat and Amanda chuckled at the way the other woman was tearing into her food.
"What?" Olivia asked suddenly self consciously wiping at her mouth and chin.
"nothin honey , I just didn't expect to see you practically inhale your food" Amanda laughed again "Guess you were hungry?" She offered a smile as she observed her compaction wipe her empty plate with garlic bread.
"Uh yeah I guess I was" Olivia still feeling a little embarrassed .
"It's fine, there's more if you want it you know, you're eating for two now" Amanda gestured to the pot on the stove.
"Uh I'm good for now thanks though." Olivia looked at her curiously for a moment before she asked "So how do you know so much about all this?"
"I have a lot of cousins and I babysat and also helped raise my little sister so I've been around my fair share of pregnant women" Amanda shrugged.
"Fair enough" Olivia yawned loudly.
"Okay detective , time for bed for you" Amanda stood and pulled her to her feet "lean on me if you have to it's been a rough few days for you" She felt the other body sag into hers with relief at being allowed to be vulnerable for once.
As she settled Olivia into her bed and pulled the covers over her and turned to leave she was surprised when the sleepy voice muttered "Stay. Please" the voice quavered a little insecurely.
"Um I can do that I guess" Amanda kicked off her shoes and slid onto the other side of the bed expecting she would just stay until Olivia fell asleep then move to the couch but was even more shocked when Olivia curled into her side and wrapped an arm around her waist before whispering "Thank you, for everything. Making dinner and taking such good care of me tonight...for taking care of us both" She then listened as Olivia's breathing evened out and she fell asleep in her arms. Amanda stayed awake for another 30 minutes or so thinking about this relationship that was slowly evolving and how complicated it now was. Olivia now came with a baby that she was afraid to get attached to in case the older detective bolted and she was alone again. She sighed and decided it best to leave her feelings where they were for now. She couldn't stand to lose her completely.