Olivia tossed and turned, unable to shake the feeling that something was missing. A piece of her floated somewhere just beyond her grasp. She felt it, but she couldn't explain it.
She rolled onto her side and tapped her phone screen. 2AM.
Something was missing.
It wasn't until her fingers reached for her necklace that she understood. The compass.
She didn't regret her selfless act. She didn't. That woman had suffered so much, and Olivia couldn't deny how much Maddie's case impacted her own healing. She didn't regret it, but she missed the weighty reminder of a person she loved. One who loved her back. One who desperately wished for her happiness.
Maybe she didn't miss the necklace. No, it wasn't the necklace. It was him. She missed him.
The longing wasn't a new feeling. Longing plagued her for a quarter century, but this felt different.
For twenty years, she longed for someone who was out of reach. Someone who stood right next to her for thirteen years, but he might as well have been a world away.
Someone who abandoned her.
Someone who came back.
Someone who made her feel everything.
Forbidden. Sinful. Destructive. Ruinous.
For decades, those words ruled her mind and schooled her thoughts.
The forbiddiness kept her from reaching for him every time they parked the sedan in the cloak of night.
Taking him would have been sinful. Not so much for her. God and moral truths weren't a regular part of her vocabulary, but they were a part of Elliot's. She couldn't bear it if he looked at her as the forbidden fruit. A temptress. A mistake. She could never be his mistake; after all, her entire life had been one cosmic mistake.
Openly loving him would destroy them both. Love would eventually implode into regret. Regret into hate. Hate into loss. And God knew she couldn't lose him. She knew she could never let him go.
If she ever gave in to the impulse to throw him onto one of the rickety bunks at the precinct, she would have ruined them both. His career, unlike hers, would probably survive, but she knew his family life would assuredly fall to pieces, and family was everything to Elliot.
Olivia's fingers continued to press into the space above her sternum. The slight counterpressure provided a minimal replication of the cool metal that once rested against her skin.
God, she wanted him, and on a cognitive level, she understood that nothing stopped her from reaching for him now. She understood that, but twenty-five years of avoidance had built a mountain of habitual denial. Denial that proved difficult to undo.
Her fingers continued pressing into her chest, but her other hand lifted her phone from her nightstand. Her thumb slid her lock screen open, and her fingers moved as if they had a will of their own. With an impulsive tap of her thumb, his name filled her screen, and the full tone of ringing flowed from the speaker.
Two rings. That's all it took for her to panic. Two rings before she frantically hit the red button, terminating the call. Two rings before she tossed her phone to the foot of her bed.
She knew damn well that she wasn't sleeping tonight.