Chapter 47: Limits - May/June 1995

Hermione tried to take Professor Wicket's advice. So, in the spirit of 'letting her friends be her friends', Hermione came clean about the unauthorized Veritaserum interview of Professor Wicket.

Harry didn't seem very surprised. When pressed he said, "I already knew about it, from Snape. He and Wicket are friends."

Sensing her rising disappointment, Harry said, "I'm still glad you said something. You know I always appreciate the truth."

"That's good, because I also wanted to tell you that Junior killed the rat, not Snape."

"That's… huh. I think I had gotten over that, but it's still good to know."

"I, er, don't know if we as a trio… have the same values." She rushed through the rest of her thought, "See, I don't really care about the truth intrinsically, like Harry. I value many other things more, like justice."

Ron nudged Hermione gently. "We know. Personally, I think our different values have kept us from doing anything too drastic. Also, asking Junior some questions after he voluntarily takes some truth serum isn't really that concerning."

Harry piped up, "I agree."

Once they finished up on that topic, Hermione said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you both that I probably figured out who my birth parents were. Ah, er… Professor Trelawney is my aunt."

Ron's lips twitched. "That's brilliant."

"Do you think that you had the Sight, before?" Harry asked.

"If I did, I certainly wasn't using it," Hermione sighed. Losing any Sight she had was an explicit consequence of the trio's time travel. It was a little sad now that she knew it was a family gift.

After a look at her friends' strained expressions, Hermione snapped playfully, "Okay, fine, you can laugh."

After the pair's chuckles and jokes tapered off, Harry said, "It's nice that you and she have a good relationship. Even though you might fail the Divination OWL."

"What."

Harry backtracked. "Er, well. Some of the points from just knowing about the techniques and symbolism. And, you might…er, get lucky with your predictions." On account of the time travel, went unsaid.

"That's just… I can't…." Hermione sputtered all the way to dinner.

Despite trying to reject perfectionism when results didn't ultimately matter, Hermione still struggled to reject perfectionism when results didn't ultimately matter. She sat down next to Lavender and immediately asked her for help accepting anything less than an Outstanding on her Divination OWL.

Hermione had been watching Professor Snape closely since he had returned from "sabbatical".

She was not the only one. Many students whispered about how Snape's hair looked nicer. He started wearing a greater variety of outfits, such as dark grey open robes over a light grey button-down and dark slacks.

On one day in May, he even added in some color: a green shirt.

Lavender Brown complemented his outfit. The professor didn't snap at her or anyone else, but his scowl deepened with each whisper about his new shirt.

Hermione noted that he had changed shirts before dinner, but the frown persisted.

But that was just the professor's outward appearance. Hermione was more interested in Lily-as-Snape's ongoing approach to teaching, since she didn't need to maintain her cover as a spy anymore.

Hermione reflected that Transfiguration with Professor Snape was generally pleasant. Snape wasn't as knowledgeable on the subject as Headmistress McGonagall, but he still did an admirable job.

Instead of the short, acerbic remarks he made in Potions, Snape gave lengthy, mellow lectures on Transfiguration. His heart didn't quite seem in it. Neville and Ron remarked that his emotional distance was fine with them, but Hermione found it hard to pay attention to someone not invested in their subject.

Lily-as-Snape was very careful around Neville, as she should be. He'd suffered enough by her hand, in Hermione's opinion.

Actually, Lily-as-Snape was careful around all of her students. Her eyes flicked away and she stopped to think before answering students' questions. She didn't call on anyone whose hand wasn't raised. She pronounced each student's transfiguration practice as "exceptional", "adequate", or "needs further practice."

Hermione rated Lily-as-Snape as "needs further practice". What she'd demonstrated as an educator so far was an improvement, but Hermione expected Lily-as-Snape to be exceptional, if she continued with the profession.

The professor ultimately needed to meet the same high standards that Hermione had for all of her instructors. Otherwise, the younger witch had ideas.

Ron's first year as a starting member of the Gryffindor team had been a blast.

Angelina was a tough captain, but she had a bit more sense than Oliver.

Ginny played seeker. The twins still played as beaters, and Katie and Alicia were still chasers. Demelza was their chaser reserve.

Ron's friends wrote a cheer just for him and got the House to do it at every game that year:

Weasley to the left!

Weasley to the right!

Weasley's going to block

your throws all night!

Their final game of the year was against Slytherin, and they didn't even have to win that game to secure the Cup. The Gryffindor team was unquestionably the best of the House teams that year.

This may have been why Slytherin seeker Draco only engaged in a friendly sort of rivalry with Ginny. That, or he knew how good Ginny was with both a wand and a fist.

Ginny beat Draco to the snitch, giving them a final year score of 1015 points. They won the Cup for the second year running!

As he flew to the ground, Ron reflected positively on his own performance as keeper for that year. He'd only let in a handful of goals per game, but so did the best players in the world.

Draco shook Ron's hand and said with only a little snideness, "Half of the team is Weasleys. I bet you practice all summer."

"You could come by to play, if you wanted."

Draco's eyes widened minutely and he sounded a bit nervous. "I'll owl you."

The trio met in the Room of Requirement one last time for the school year.

They didn't have any plots or plans to attend to, so they talked about life after Voldemort and Hogwarts. Since Ron had already been thinking about it for years, he let his friends lead the conversation.

Harry told the other two his dreams: "I'd like to travel the world with Luna, test George's inventions, and have a garden of my own."

"Do you think you'll miss being a hero?" Like you were in the previous timeline, was Ron's unspoken implication.

Harry shook his head. "I'm like… the Sword of Gryffindor. That kind of weapon isn't needed for every type of heroic action. For example, I would be useless trying to do what Miss Jorkins is doing now for memory charm victims. Perhaps my time will come again. Until then, I'd like to live a quiet sort of life."

Hermione seemed unusually anxious as she asked, "What about Snape?"

"What about him?"

Hermione said, "He doesn't want you to be that kind of hero ever again. The self-sacrificing type, I mean. And now that I think about it, I agree. A week ago, I brought up how I don't think the three of us have quite the same values. But not wanting my friends to be in danger is a far more important obstacle to future adventures than that. For example," she echoed Harry's words for emphasis, "I don't want to see my friends die in a war."

Harry sighed. "As I grow older and more connected to people, putting my own life on the line will also have increasing consequences. But I'm always going to weigh them, and do what needs to be done. Snape and everyone else will have to accept that."

"But you'll accept input, right? About the weight of your own life?"

"Sure, when the situation allows for it." He put up a hand to halt Hermione's retort. "Friends have to trust each other, and let each other make their own choices."

Hermione said, "But —."

Ron interrupted lightly, "Hermione, I recommend not making friends with more people who rescue you from a troll, if you don't want to be friends with the sort of people who would rescue a person from a troll."

Harry nodded sagely. "Words to live by."

At Hermione's stricken face, Ron said, "Our life-threatening adventures as a trio might be at an end, but we can still have each other as life-long friends."

Harry and Ron went back and forth listing advantages:

"Our conversations won't have to revolve around Voldemort anymore."

"You won't have to rely on Harry's secret-keeping skills," Ron said with a smirk.

Harry shot back, "Or Ron's slow-as-treacle maneuvers and over-reliance on letters over action."

"You won't have us curbing your ruthlessness."

"We won't need secrecy measures nearly as much."

"Fewer dragons, basilisk, and curse scars."

Hermione said slowly, "You're both right, of course. This is better."

Ron corrected, "The best."

Plan Save Everyone and End the Dark Lord was their final adventure as a trio, and it was a rousing success.

One night in May, three figures slipped off of Hogwarts grounds and apparated themselves to a nondescript patch of woods many miles away.

Harry Potter pulled the unrecognizable remains of a book, tiara, and cup from a magically enlarged pocket. The other two transformed into small animals, then used their claws to dig several holes in the dirt.

Harry set one item into each, then transformed into a white dove.

Paws replaced the dirt atop each item.

Then, the dove flew behind the fox and badger as they scampered away.

On many occasions after that night, a fox, a badger, and a dove could be frequently seen at the edges of the Forbidden Forest, running around and playing. Some nights, a snowy owl and a ginger cat with a squashed face would join them.

Harry didn't quite have a standing appointment with his mother, but she was expecting him on the last day before the Hogwarts Express would take him back to London. She already had out tea and biscuits.

They exchanged a few pleasantries before she said, "Professor Wicket and I are going to the Continent for summer holiday. He plans to return to the school next year, but I am less sure about that myself. If push comes to shove, he might also stay with me."

Harry felt like they had come a long way in the last few months, so he tried to push down his own issues to hear what she was saying. "Is this about getting away from… things (people, like himself) here?"

"Partially."

Harry had come with something to say, so he said it then: "You told me a few months ago that you struggle to care for people who risk their lives, even for worthy causes. I've given that a lot of thought. I plan to live a… more peaceful life than I have to this point. However, I can't promise that I won't help people when it's in my power. You can obviously choose not to accept that, but I hope you can find it in you to stay in touch with me anyway."

"You're really… developing into yourself. Without me." With more force, she said, "You don't need me."

"I don't." Harry chose his words carefully. "Well, I needed you. You weren't there. So, I learned how to live without you. You can't fix that. However, we can still choose each other. Some families are created through choice and effort."

"Is that what you want from me? Family?"

Harry hesitated slightly, until he realized that what he was about to say was true. "I want a relationship that works, where we can take joy in each other being as we are. I don't see you fitting back into the role of a parent. Maybe you'll be more like a family friend or a concerned teacher." Harry paused at that. "If you're still a professor, though, you should treat me at least as well as any other student."

"Of course. I've been trying to, since coming back from my sabbatical." At Harry's presumably grim expression she added, "And I still know that I have a lot of work to do. I want to teach."

Harry struggled to process that information. While he did, he said, "What I was saying was: you can still be a part of my life, without taking on a parent's responsibilities." Harry thought about what Petunia had talked about months ago. "I don't need someone to help me… eat healthy foods or talk to others with respect. I also don't need someone who lavishes praise and attention on me regardless of whether I've earned it."

Lily frowned. "You deserve more than just casual care."

Harry nodded. "I do. I have that from others: Sirius, Remus, Dobby, Hermione, Ron, and Luna."

"I'll consider what you've said very carefully. But… I feel like an imposter, an imitation of something. And it's more than just of Sev! I'm a fake concealing a fake. I've acted for so long…."

Harry also struggled with feelings of falseness, but was learning to live with them. Harry spoke very slowly. "An imitation… can be valuable for itself. Professor Wicket is great, even though his identity is a lie. It actually lets him be who he wants to be, so it's a fairly honest example of deception."

Lily considered that carefully. "He does seem better off with his new life, doesn't he." She took a few deep breaths. " It's true that I can't…. I can't live like this. With this body, this face anymore. I feel like three people at once. And I have continued appreciation for the darkness of this magic. In some ways, I truly feel like Sev, you see. But it's even more than that! People only see the face of a friend that I can't bare to look at anymore. It's a reminder of what I lost." Lily's eyes flicked to Harry's briefly.

"So you want to change your identity, like Wicket?"

Lily closed her eyes. "It's a thousand decisions to build up a different mask. Hair, clothes, family, education history, employment history."

Harry said gently, "Then make it as small of a mask as you can. Focus on what you feel." He listed questions he'd asked himself over the last three years: "What do you think when no one is watching? What comes naturally to you? What attracts people that you want to be around? How can you build a life that you want to live?"

Lily almost yelled, "That's so complicated! All of those answers feed into each other. It's like solving several arithmancy equations to yield one single result. One identity."

Harry considered this but then shook his head. "But you wouldn't say that you choose a solution to most arithmancy problems. In the same way, I'm talking about who you are. There's a difference between who you are on the inside and the choices that you make to support that. Those things you mentioned — hair, background — are just details."

"Let me write this all down," she finished in a sarcastic tone that belied sincerity when she did actually jot down a few notes. There was something in this teacher-student role reversal that Harry would have smiled at in a less intense conversation.

When she set down her quill, Harry said, "If you know who you are, every decision gets easier. I know it's quite different, but I've been living some small semblance of this journey when I navigate the Boy-Who-Lived role. The more I've shared my own perspective and confidently corrected people who have the wrong idea about me, the more people treat me the way I want them to."

Lily warned flatly, "Don't get bigheaded about the Boy-Who-Lived stuff."

"Never. Sev was the real hero."

Lily's — Sev's — eyes narrowed, "That's also not entirely accurate, and you know it."

Harry defended himself, "No one knows about last Halloween. So, that's the truth I'm living. There are objective truths, then their are the truths I build my life by. I know the difference, and I try to align them when possible. That's how I found peace."

After a long moment, she said, "…Peace… sounds… nice."

"That peace has brought me to you today, as I am. If we had talked in another life, I might not have been able to forgive you. I don't think I've quite gotten through every issue, but I can see my way beyond our past now." Realization dawned on Harry. "I've learned so much over the past few years about myself and my relationships with others. That's helped me move on from the hurt you've caused me, just as much as anything you've said or done."

They sat in silence for a while.

Finally, Lily said quietly, "I don't know what's inside of me anymore. I haven't known for years. Maybe I'm just layers of ugly fear and anger that will repulse and disappoint everyone."

While Harry hated to let Lily leave for fear that she would never return, he could also see how a vacation might help her take the steps she needed for both herself and him. So, Harry encouraged her. "Being here, where you've played your roles for so long, might not be good for you. If you need to go, then go. Hang up the black robes entirely and sit on a beach."

Lily gave a slightly wistful look at that.

Harry leaned in to say, "But when you're ready, you can come to wherever I am. I can't promise that we'll be close, or that we'll stay close. What I'm offering, after everything that's happened between us, is an opportunity. Let me see who you are, now that Voldemort is well and truly gone. We can figure out if we fit into each others lives once you feel more settled into yourself."

Brow furrowed, Lily repeated, "An opportunity."

"In my eyes, people who let themselves be known have a particular, intrinsic beauty. It's not wrong to hide, but it feels wrong to be uncertain what you're even hiding."

In recognition of the tough road that lay ahead for Lily, Harry offered her a hug goodbye, which she accepted.