"Would you like some coffee?" Rosemary offers while pouring a cup for herself. I find I don't have the words to answer her at the moment. A simple "yes" is all it would take, but all my energy is spent on keeping my eyes open and staring into a void. Lily's face haunts my every day since the fire. Two weeks ago. I am fifty percent healed now. I no longer can recall if my encounter with Jude was merely a dream, or reality. The brand mark he made on my neck is gone. Vanished into vapor. I wonder what Lily and Peter would have thought of our brother, and I've come to the conclusion that Lily would dislike him more than anyone. She was a vengeful girl, always quick to right an injustice. Her bright, gleaming blond hair could have blinded our entire neighborhood, and she probably would have squealed with excitement of her new super power.I would have squealed along with her if only to see her smile again. I don't know what to think about all of this, and I am inclined to retreat and let Nate handle it. I worry for him every second, but what can I do with these burns? What can I do when I feel so broken inside? I think...I'm tired of thinking.No, I don't believe I want coffee after all."Miss Sutton?" Allie taps my hand over the bandages very gently. I felt no pain from the attempt to gain my attention. I look at her, analyzing her pretty face. She has been sitting on the floor doing her homework for the past hour. Allie raises her pencil to point to the cup in Rosemary's hand, and I accept the cup with a slight smile to show her that I am grateful."Is there anything else I can get for you, Nyrah? A blanket? Something to read?" As she sits down, I place my scarred hand over hers and kindly shake my head. "Nyrah," she whispers, glancing at Allie, hesitant to speak. "I am worried about you. You hardly eat or sleep, and you haven't spoken...in quite a while."I'm a baby bird with it's mouth open and without a voice. How do I explain to her that if I talk everything will be real? Allie is comfortable and studious as she mutiplies fractions and works on her long division. I don't want to hide the truth from her, but I don't know if I am ready to share it with her. I make a writing gesture across the palm of my hand and Rosemary brightens in understanding. Before long, she comes prancing back from the desk with a writing pad and a fountain pen.It is still relatively easy to write, even with my injuries. Thankfully they were not more serious. The burns are bright pink and still need some healing. My feet are the worst. I still have difficulty walking without some pain. That is some hefty and lazy writing. I wish my penmanship were better than it is at the moment. Four words find their way from my heart to the page, and I beg myself to take them back, scribble over them, rip the parchment to shreds!I started the fire.Rosemary surprisingly does not gasp in horror when I show her the trembling page. Worry is engraved everywhere in her body, searching, clueless at what she read. Tears rush and turn her eyes pink. I give her a blank stare, already drained from experiencing emotion.She writes back quickly.What are you saying?I lit the fireplace and I fell asleep.Nyrah, that is not your fault! It was a tragic accident, nothing more.It was a tragic accident I caused, and I wish it had taken me instead."Nyrah, you don't mean that!" Rosemary's voice falters immediately after the declaration as Alie's head lifts in surprise. The young girl's eyes plead with me, asking for me to tell her what is going on. Her pencils and books lay discarded as if they no longer mattered.Rosemary sighs, composing herself. "Um, Allie, would you mind if Miss Sutton and I speak alone for a moment? Why don't you go and see if Mrs. Thornton is home.""But I want to know what is wrong! If something is wrong, please tell me so I can fix it!" "Allie, I really understand. You love everyone so very deeply, and I can see why it is hard. But please trust me." "Miss Sutton, will you please tell me what is going on? What is it you didn't mean?" When I don't answer her, mouth agape, I watch her heart wither. I never wanted to hurt her. Ever. With some gentle coaxing, Rosemary helps Allie to find Elizabeth. I await her return with bated breath.When the door slams, I brace myself for the worst.Rosemary huffs,"Nyrah, how could you say such a thing?" Her pointer finger throws itself behind toward the door. "That girl loves you! She would be devastated to know that you are blaming yourself this way.""What about my neighbors?"My own hoarse voice startles me a little. "What about Kendra? Don't they blame me too? The girl stares at me! Unblinking, without a single peep. I don't know what else to say to her or how to say it."My friend purses her lips, calculated in her approach as she walks closer to me. "I cannot speak for them, but I think you should have a lot more faith in your friends. Everyone in this town cares about you. As for Kendra..." Rosemary kneels in front of me, so as to look into my face. I've been staring at my lap for the past minute. "Kendra is hurting, but I don't think she is blaming you. I think she is in the exact same position as you are. She is unsure what to say or how to say it, as you said."A huge weight lifts off from my chest, bringing up all the emotions I had been covering up. "What?""Nyrah, she knows you tried to save her mother. You are a hero in this story. Even in her small confused heart, she must be truly grateful for that.""But," my lips quiver about to crack with a hurricane of tears, "I don't want her to be without her mother!" The dam has shattered into a battlefield of debris, I cannot do anything but cling onto Rosemary for dear life. And I cry in agony like I have never cried before. Because that was truly what I am afraid of. Rosemary holds me tight, rocking me for a half-hour as the rage and sorrow flow through me. Until the the final droplet of that ocean evaporates, she does not say a single word. "Rosemary?" I shudder, delirious with pain and once blustery eyes. My burns ache, another reminder of reality. I close my eyes, anxious for them to stop throbbing. My tears are spent."Yes?" She asks."I'm sorry for everything. Thank you.""Oh, Nyrah. When are you going to accept that you are one of my dearest friends?""I think I am realizing that right now."A few minutes of silence tick by before Rosemary inhales. "Clara has been inquiring about you. She is concerned for her friend as well. Her best friend."Sol comes to mind. She was supposed to be my best friend. She could cheer me up whenever life became "destruchaos" as she used to call it. Destructive and chaotic is the trend with me, so why fight against it? I cannot believe she did that to Bill. Clearly it wasn't a lethal blow and he is healthy and living. Did Jude somehow force her into this? I am desperate enough to believe anything.And Clara, sweet Clara. Yes, I can safely agree that she is also a kind of best friend. My Hope Valley Best friend, if you will. But what about Rosemary? She has always been there for me as well. I guess I have more than one. Perhaps "best friend" doesn't have to have a specific person tied to it. The title is nice to identify, but at the end of the day, we are all friends and love one another, so I'm satisfied."I'd love to see her," I simply respond, too tired to say any more as I slowly drift asleep in a matter of minutes.When I awake on the couch, it is nearly supper time, and Allie's eyes drill into mine. I lean my head back to gain more visual focus She is all smiles and asks, "How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?"I smile kindly in return, brushing a lock of hair away from her face. "I'm alright. I am happy that you are here. I missed you."Her countenance bursts into sunshine. "Miss Sutton, you talked! You really missed me?""Yes," I chuckle, " I missed you very much. I'm sorry you had to leave earlier. I had some things to work through in my heart. I hope you understand." Her smile does not fade, but softens as she hugs me with all her might."I love you, mom." A mound of boulders tumbling down from the mountain threatens to crush my joyous spirit. I wonder what Nathan would be thinking if he witnessed this, and I am not entirely sure how to tell her we are not going to be married. Ever. We won't even be courting eachother. Another part of me wishes to change my mind and accept that it is possible. No matter what he wrote in that letter, surely he would not wish to bind himself to a broken vessel like me."Allie, your uncle Nathan and I-""-love eachother. Yeah, I know. I have been praying for you two to get married every night.""Uh-""Well, who's ready for some dinner?" Elizabeth waltzes into the house, completely unaware of our conversation. Rosemary and Lee had been eavesdropping and have smirks of their own, until they notice my reaction to what Allie said. I get the sense I am being stared at, and the when I look up, Kendra Black is there again, blank faced and curious. Allie is cheerful and friendly, and she springs into action."I hope we are not late. Molly needed to be somewhere and asked if I could keep Kendra company this evening, so I was hoping that all of us could keep her company instead." Elizabeth passes little Jack into Lee's anticipating arms and Allie starts to talk like lightning. She has been trying to become Kendra's friend for a couple of weeks now. And like I had been, she does not speak. I admire Allie's resolve to not allow it to bother her or deter her from gushing out facts on how to fillet a lake trout. She also raves about the best marbles in her collection case."No! Of course not! You are right on time!" Please, everyone, let's have a seat. All seven of us." Rosemary waves us over and I grip onto the cane I have been using. My left foot still is very sensitive. Allie notices me wincing and struggling and she leads me to the table carefully. Kendra trails behind, staring right at me while plopping next to me. Everyone is so busy being seated, that it takes a minute before Elizabeth searches the room. She appears to have lost something, before her sight is caught on the raven-haired young lady beside me. Elizabeth is bewildered. I'm sure she is also shocked that I am at the dinner table. I'm not sure how hungry I am just yet, but we'll see what happens. The table is adorned with a nice table cloth, simple cutlery, large plates, and gleaming glasses loaded with lemonade."Let's say grace." Lee speaks up and we all bow our heads. "Dear Heavenly father, we thank you for this meal we are about to receive, please bless it to the use of our bodies, and may we use our bodies to always glorify you, amen." "I'm starving!" Allie is itching to shove both her hands into the mashed potatoes, before she decides last second it is best to use the spoon to scoop it out. Kendra still stares at me while I serve myself a portion of green beans, so I pass them to her. She takes them with a smile, and I get the sense that I must be doing something right."Thank you for the meal, darling." Lee is carving the roasted chicken, distributing ample portions to everyone. Good thing it is a large chicken. With this many people, it is difficult to say whether a small chicken would cut it.Rosemary giggles, and sighs. "You're welcome, Honey." Allie is on the other side of Kendra, trying to engage with her, and the others begin talking about their day and all their work. I miss my job at the saloon. I don't drink, but it pays well. I like helping Lucas too. I told Lucas one day after the fire that I could no longer work there for now. He assured me my job was still open for whenever I decide to come back. I am thankful for his kindness. Kendra fidgets, and I begun to wonder if Allie might be making things uncomfortable for her until the raven-haired girl shouts. "Let's cut the chit-chat. You and me are best friends now, ok?"Only half of the mashed potatoes on my fork made it into my mouth. Kendra's eyes are sparkling, and the room is as silent as a cemetery.