Clarke and Lexa deal –separately-with the aftermath of their actions/decisions. (With a lil help from Octavia, Raven and Jahnisce)
WARNING: for the ones who want to skip the parts where Orita is in, they will be separated by "xxxxxxxxx" from beginning to end. Consider yourselves warned.
It wasn't the best of rides back home for Clarke especially after telling Octavia what happened.
"You what!" The brunette exclaims not believing her ears, "you gave Lexa a hall pass?!"
Clarke grunts, annoyed but doesn't comment. She is grateful they are alone in the car though, since Octavia decided to drive back herself in search of some privacy.
"Why would you do that? She's fucking sixteen Clarke! She's totally gonna…"
"Octavia!" Clarke raises her voice, one finger up "would you please shut the fuck up and just drive; I don't wanna talk about it." Saying that she crosses her arms and leans her head against the car window. She can imagine on her own what is going to happen, she doesn't need any help with the visuals.
Being the little prick she has always been Octavia can't help mutter under her breath "she's probably going at it right now."
If it was humanly possible, Clarke's head certainly would have disengaged from her neck by how abruptly she jerked it in Octavia's direction. Her eyes are blazing, her nostrils flaring.
Words are not needed for Octavia to get the message this time. "Alright, jeez!" She rolls her eyes and directs her hand to turn on the car stereo to fill the uncomfortable silence that will surely follow. She skips the songs one after another until she settles for a soft tune.
The easy melody resonates for a good ten seconds, promising some relaxation; that is until the lyrics come into play.
It's over and done
But the heartache lives on inside
And who's the one you're clinging to
Instead of me toni…
Octavia jolts, letting out a shrill of pure shock when Clarke punches the stereo, effectively muting it.
"Jesus fucking Christ Clarke! You almost gave me a heart attack here!" Octavia accuses holding onto her chest with one hand, while the other is still secured on the steering wheel.
"Just. Fucking. Drive." Clarke warns through gritted teeth, at the verge of exploding.
And Octavia, even with her keenest ability for stirring shit away, knows her limits. She huffs pretending to be mad and in complete quietness continues her task.
xxxxxxxxx
Orita, on her back on top of the furs, stares up at the ceiling dumbstruck.
Lexa lays next to her, disconcerted now that the moment is gone and reality has hit her hard; yet she doesn't dare to dwell on it-not now.
It's been ten minutes and Orita hasn't said a word, Lexa is beginning to get concerned. "Orita?" She whispers so as not to startle the girl. "Are you-are you OK?"
"Huh?" Orita cranes her neck toward Lexa, like waking up from a day dream "yeah I…" she articulates shaking her head. "I guess, yeah" she can't help looking away, feeling self-conscious.
"OK," Lexa bites her lip nervously, feeling more and more uncomfortable with every passing second; she can't stand it anymore. "It's uh, it's late we probably should…" she shuffles a bit to get into a setting position.
"No!" Orita calls out in desperation. "Not yet," she holds onto Lexa's midsection. "I told my parents I needed to be alone for a while. Yours know you are with me, right?"
"ye-yes they…"
"Then there's no rush, please stay with me… until the sun comes up, please." Orita leans her head on Lexa's chest.
It's a very conflicting situation for Lexa, wanting to get out of there at soon as possible, disgusted with herself; but also feeling guilty for entertaining the idea of leaving Orita alone after what just happened between them. Ultimately, the guilt wins over. She nods rapidly-because she doesn't trust her voice- and tugs the girl closer to her body to compensate for her current lack of enthusiasm, careful not to grab at any injured area.
Orita sighs, nuzzling into Lexa's neck; engraving in her memory the feeling of Lexa's skin on her own, the smell of her natural essence, the rhythm of her heartbeat. She knows, feels it in her heart, the moment they stand up, the moment they leave this place… she's gonna lose Lexa forever.
xxxxxxxxx
When Clarke and Octavia arrive in Polis, Indra is expecting them at the door of the tower, sporting a facial expression that clearly conveys what she feels.
'Great! Her messengers work faster each time, I see.' Clarke exhales with irritation at the preaching that she is evidently expecting.
"Commander," Indra bows sending Clarke a look that promises trouble.
"Meeting room," Clarke instructs glancing at Indra and Octavia, making her way inside the tower.
The guards and servants are quickly dismissed by Indra who immediately follows after Clarke and Octavia.
The three women stride quickly to the elevator without exchanging a word; at least not until they reach the meeting room.
As soon as the door closes, Indra faces Clarke and begins with her reprimanding. "What the hell was that all about?! You accepting the challenge of a novice sentinel that happens to be Lexa's little friend, knowing you will humiliate her on the battlefield? And for what? Out of jealousy? Huh?" She paces furiously in front of the blonde who is uncharacteristically quiet. "You are the commander of the Thirteen Clans Clarke, you don't have the luxury of losing control of your emotions like that!" Her indignation is evident.
Meanwhile Octavia walks slowly to one of the tables in the room, takes an apple from the fruit basket and bites into it; thoroughly enjoying Clarke's disgruntled expression.
"You're lucky the villagers didn't know anything; and I'm sure your little display scared them for life so it is safe to say we can count on their discretion once they find out." Indra shows some traces of relief but it is short lived. "Are you aware what could happen if more people hear about this? Your enemies?"
It is certainly humiliating to be scolded like a child, more so being the commander and the great Wanheda who is feared by her people; but Clarke thinks it would be hypocritical to try and refute it when everything Indra is saying is nothing but the truth.
"We may be at peace but you are the commander, of course you have enemies!" Indra warns, "you must never forget they are always alert, always searching for an excuse to attack, always searching for your weakness."
Octavia's eyes open wide at the words uttered from her former mentor, 'oh crap.'
Clarke's face, once sporting discomfort, morphs in a second into one of ire. She glares at Indra with a scowl as she questions. "And what's my weakness, Indra?" Clarke takes a step forward, intimidatingly so and completes "care to elaborate?"
That's when Indra becomes aware of what she just said; her usual strong stand wavers for a brief second "I- I was referring to…" she attempts explaining but is cut off mid-sentence.
"I know exactly what you were referring to; I know exactly what you think Indra and I'm gonna stop you right there." Clarke marches straight into the woman's personal space and in a loud voice she announces; "I saved this world for love, I rebuilt this nation because of that love, you are alive because of my love." She points a finger at Indra's face as she yells, "don't you dare tell me love is a weakness, don't you ever even think about it when love is the only reason we are all standing here right now!"
To say Indra is taken aback by Clarke's outburst is an understatement. She blinks rapidly to shake the astonishment from her system. "My apologies commander, it won't happen again" she replies submissively. Then regaining some of her composure she adds, "but I insist you were careless in your actions and I strongly advise you to consider in detail the dangers your behavior could bring to yourself and your people."
"I'm aware of that." Clarke drops the attitude a little, taking a step back in thought to finally supply "that's why, starting tomorrow, we are going to work on a new law that forbids permanently all challenges and duels of any kind."
Indra and Octavia exchange gazes, seemingly considering it a good idea.
"Very well;" Indra assents. "I will be convening the scribes first thing tomorrow to have it all prepared before calling a meeting with the clan leaders."
"Good," Clarke nods curtly and walks to the door stopping just as she reaches for the door knob. "Now if you excuse me I'm very tired. I don't want anyone disturbing me in what's left of the night; is that clear?" She doesn't wait for a reply, choosing instead to just leave the scene.
It crosses Octavia's mind to go after Clarke but she can tell her friend needs some time alone. The same can't be said about herself. "Laters," she passes by Indra and pats her back leaving the premises too; another destination in mind.
Indra is left alone, curiously wondering if something else happened besides what the messengers informed her.
…
Octavia takes the stairs that lead to Raven's room, eager to vent about everything that happened during her trip but just as she is nearing the door she sees a sock on the handle. "Damn it Raven!" With her friend clearly busy, Octavia has no choice but to bite her tongue and go to her own room; the gossip will have to wait.
…
Only after she is safe inside her bedroom, is when Clarke allows herself to panic.
'What have I done, what have I done.' Clarke paces around her room. 'I told her to be with her, I told her to… ugh, I'm an idiot.' She puts both hands on her head, desperate. More and more bad thoughts invading her mind by the second. 'What if she decides to stay with her, what if she realizes she wants someone her age…' She abruptly spins around looking at the door, 'maybe It's not too late, I can send Octavia to bring her back; her family can come too, they all could be here in the morning and…' Clarke throws her head back with a loud groan. 'Don't be ridiculous, you can't do that!' Frustrated she removes her jacket and throws it down angrily.
Giving up on the absurd idea, Clarke moves toward her bed and lays down on her side; once again being bombarded by negative thoughts. 'What if I'm taking away from her a chance to be a normal girl with a regular life; what if I'm denying her the only opportunity to live to her fullest?' She closes her eyes tightly holding onto her pillow. 'No don't say that! She came back to life for you, it is your destiny, you are meant to be.' She is having an internal battle, 'you vowed not to let anything or anyone split you apart, Lexa is your woman, don't you ever think about letting her go.'
Clarke rolls onto her stomach, continuing her inner monologue. 'This is karma; her being in someone else's arms is what I deserve. All these years sleeping around trying to fill the void in my soul, trying to satisfy my needs; but if what the grounders say is true all I've been doing is giving away pieces of myself to every single lover, wasting my soul like it was nothing; no wonder I felt lonelier every time.' She laments bitterly. 'But she is back; she came back to fill your soul once again, to complete you; no matter what happens she belongs with you. She will be here soon, for you and only you; don't despair, don't be afraid. She loves you.' Needing a reassurance of her own, Clarke lets out in a soft encouraging whisper "she loves me" with that she sinks her head into her pillow and cries her anxieties away.
xxxxxxxxx
Having woken up barely before dawn, Orita and Lexa get dressed, turning their backs on each other; with a sudden modesty that contrasts the boldness and readiness that engulfed them the previous night.
Double checking that her friend is set to go Lexa starts speaking. "I um, I think we should talk about uh talk about …this" she stutters.
"Yeah we should but um" Orita, getting on her feet, remarks awkwardly "but not now."
"Of course!" Lexa agrees "maybe tonight ..."
"I don't think that's a good idea either" Orita interrupts, this time certain.
Lexa stares at her, asking silently for Orita to elaborate; and she does.
"Lexa I-" Orita runs a hand through her hair nervously. "This is so weird and confusing and… I almost lost my life yesterday because I acted without thinking" she swallows overwhelmed, another detail popping up. "In any case I ended up losing something else in the same fashion."
The comment causes Lexa to blush profusely; she turns away avoiding her friend's gaze.
Orita clears her throat embarrassed at her own admission but quickly gets back on track. "The point is I really need some time to process, to understand; I- I don't know what to do, what to think."
If she had to be honest with herself, Lexa has to admit she also needs to figure this mess out. "You're right we- we need a break," she concedes timidly.
"OK." Orita nods slowly and takes a step forward but as soon as she does, she stops abruptly and winces as her leg begins to hurt.
"Shit!" Lexa jumps to help Orita "I'm sorry, I should've been… I didn't…" she takes her by the hips, to stabilize her.
The young blonde glares at Lexa, begging with her eyes for her not to finish that sentence.
Lexa understands and offers instead "I'll help you home, is that alright?"
With an exhale of resignation Orita accepts the assistance. She allows Lexa to put an arm around her waist while she supports her weight on Lexa's shoulder.
xxxxxxxxx
Making sure Orita got safely inside her home and after an uncomfortable farewell, Lexa heads back to her own house. She opens the door, trying not to make much noise so as to wake up her parents. But as soon as she enters the living room, Jahnisce raises from her seat.
"How did it go, did you…"
Lexa freezes on the spot, eyes bulging, not expecting her mother to be up.
Jahnisce looks at her daughter up and down taking in her body language, her appearance "oh… OH" there's no need for an explanation or words, she knows what happened.
Lexa's face burns with embarrassment at having been caught by her mother; she stares at the floor ashamed.
At first Jahnisce also faces away; momentarily shocked by the discovery. Sure, she wasn't expecting Lexa to be a virgin – especially knowing she and Clarke have a relationship- but to actually acknowledge her little girl has a sexual life is something hard to digest. Soon that small detail is set aside when dread falls upon her at remembering something else. "Lexa, what about Wanheda? What if she finds out!" She questions anxiously.
At that, Lexa –in need of someone- walks to the table and sits next to Jahnisce. "She already knows mom, she…" Lexa hesitates, not sure she should be sharing this with her mother but she really needed to talk to somebody. "She's the one who told me to do it."
Jahnisce's brows furrow with confusion; wondering why Clarke would do something like this but she gives up wondering seconds later. "Well, Wanheda is a wise woman, she must have a reason," she concludes giving Lexa a sympathetic shrug.
….
"She's an idiot!" Octavia accuses exasperated as she fills Raven in to the details of the occurrences at the village.
"But why…" Raven can't begin to imagine what motivated her friend to allow something like that to happen.
"Raven!" Clarke's voice irrupts into the conversation. "Did you check the entire tower already?"
"uh I…" Raven gets a little apprehensive at Clarke's authoritative tone. "No, no I still have to um- check the lower floors."
"OK, when you finish that I want you to take a look at the clinic; you need to make sure nothing fails in case they are using equipment."
"Right of course I- I'll do that." Raven responds with a gulp.
Clarke then acknowledges the other brunette. "We are about to start Octavia, we better get going."
"I'll be right behind you," Octavia confirms waiting until Clarke is a few feet ahead of her before taking out the iPhone. "Take a look at it and enjoy it as much as you can, tonight we won't be laughing much."
"What?" Raven stares at Octavia puzzled.
"Operation Wallow."
"huh?"
"OCTAVIA!"
"Coming!"
…
After a quick bath Lexa comes back to the table where breakfast is already served.
Mother and daughter eat in relative silence for a few minutes until Jahnisce's curiosity gets the best of her.
"I'm guessing you two didn't talk very much last night?"
"Ugh." Lexa covers her face with her hand still not accustomed to speaking about this with her mother. "Yeah we uh we didn't."
Jahnisce says nothing, waiting patiently for Lexa to be the one to guide the conversation.
Lexa places her fork down on the table, taking a long deep breath before making a query. "Do you think I made a mistake?"
"What I think is not important strikon, the real question here is, do you think you made a mistake?"
All Lexa can do is move her head up and down in agreement.
"But Wanheda allowed it, right?"
"Yeah she did but that didn't mean I… and Orita I shouldn't have…" Lexa sighs "she was vulnerable and I just took advantage of her I… I don't know what happened mom; I'm not like that, what's wrong with me?" She laments, leaning her head on the flat surface on the table.
"Oh Lex," Jahnisce coos threading her fingers through the girl's hair.
"Orita doesn't even want to see me now" comes Lexa's muffled voice.
"Then just wait, give her time; she will come around; I'm sure she wants to clarify this with you too, just be patient."
And Lexa hopes her mother is right, she hopes it is not too late to fix things with Orita and salvage what is left of their friendship but there is a gnawing feeling in her gut, something nagging in her heart, telling her that this may not end up well. She can only wish that presentiment is wrong.
…
"I can't believe you let her go and fuck that girl."
"Octavia!" Raven warns, sending her a glare.
Clarke swallows the whole contents of her tiny glass in one gulp and pours herself another immediately after. "Shut up Octavia."
"If I were you I would've never let any bitch put her hands on…" Octavia stops just in time, realizing what she was about to say. Before her friends have time to send pity looks at her, she continues "whatever, you're dumb." She drinks from her own glass letting the alcohol burn up the unwanted memories.
"Look I know you don't get it Octavia, but she's young OK? In this life so far I'm the only one she's been with, I'm sure she must have been curious to experiment with someone else in her new body and shit. I'm simply giving her the opportunity, a chance to get it out of her system and come back to me with a clear head; no what if's or regrets you know?" Clarke explains trying to justify her decision.
"What a pile of crap." Octavia rolls her eyes. "If she wanted to experiment as you say why didn't she do it earlier? She had plenty of time before getting to meet you."
"She didn't ask me anything Octavia, I told her to!" Clarke defends wholeheartedly.
"I know and that's exactly what pisses me off the most!" Octavia slams the table in frustration.
"And why do you care!" Clarke leans forward, her hands flat on the wooden surface.
"Guys, guys." Raven intervenes asking for a time out. "Listen, you both need to chill OK." When she gets her friends attention she proceeds. "We shouldn't get ahead of ourselves; I mean maybe she hasn't done anything and probably doesn't plan to." She ends optimistically.
Both Octavia and Clarke glower at Raven for a second or two and then quip at the same time.
"Yeah right!"
"Sure thing."
Raven grimaces at the sarcastic responses, "that hot huh?"
"Yup."
"The bitch."
The three of them chug their drinks down simultaneously.
"OK that's enough," Clarke announces as she stands up. "We still need to work on that new law, don't stay too long. See ya tomorrow." With that she marches out of Octavia's room.
…
Just like the other night Clarke goes straight to bed and holds her pillow; wishing sleep to take over her tired and stressed out body.
Not five minutes has past when someone enters her bedroom.
Clarke already imagines who it can be so she remains silent in her bed without paying much mind to the interloper. Sure enough the mattress sinks behind her and soon, tan arms envelope her waist.
"You know she's being a pain in the ass only because she cares about you, right?" Raven informs once she has found a comfortable position.
"I know," Clarke chuckles. "Sometimes I wish she'd just tell me everything is gonna be alright, give me a damn hug and be done with it."
Raven snorts and lets a prudent amount of time to pass before asking. "Why did you do it?"
Trying to convince Raven that her intentions were the same ones she had already mentioned in Octavia's room would be in vain-Raven is smarter than that. Besides she is so sick and tired of keeping it all to herself, she needs a respite so she relents and confesses with vulnerability.
"I freaked out. When I saw that girl…I freaked out." Clarke shivers at the recollection, "she's young and so fucking…"
"Hot," Raven supplies.
"Yeah." Clarke rolls her eyes and keeps going. "I know it's silly but I realized she knows Lexa better than I do; even with all the time we spent together; she's got years ahead of me and I kinda lost it."
"That's why you kicked the little bitch's ass, got it." Raven nods, putting the puzzle together in her head.
"It was stupid, I shouldn't have done it," Clarke sighs her regrets. "For a minute there I was scared she may choose this girl over me and…"
"And you threw her into the blondie's arms cause you like to play with fire? You wanted them to seal the deal or something?" Raven remarks as this is the part she doesn't understand.
"No!" Clarke refutes loudly. "Lexa loves me, I'm sure of that I just…" She swallows the emotion threatening to pour out of her. "I wanted her to compare. I need her to see for herself that what she feels when she's with me, she won't be feeling with anyone else."
Raven remains silent, knowing Clarke has more to say.
"She never got to experience that; at least not in a normal way." When Raven frowns, Clarke elaborates. "I mean the crush on the pretty girl, the desire, the fun of it you know? No commitments, no strings attached. Costia was her love, not just a girl, her first love nonetheless; one she didn't even have the time to really enjoy."
"So you wanted her to experience all of this, at the expense of your own pain, while she has all the fun and pleasure?" There's a hint of judgment in Raven's tone that doesn't go unnoticed by Clarke.
"It's not like that!" Clarke defends, "I told you I was scared; I really didn't know what else to do Raven; I don't wanna lose her OK?"
"I know," Raven offer sympathetically.
Clarke exhales losing herself in her thoughts until Raven adds.
"Stop doing this to yourself."
Intrigued, Clarke leans back a bit to look at Raven's face.
The brunette watches her with kind eyes as she pleads, "stop punishing yourself Clarke; you must stop believing you deserve to suffer."
At the statement Clarke tenses, but Raven holds her tight, grounding her, making sure she sees right through her eyes. "Many people died, I know but it's not your fault Clarke, you didn't have a choice. You have to let go of all that guilt inside of you and see the new world you've created for us, how much you've sacrificed for us."
The blonde's lips begin to tremble; her eyes filling up with tears she tries hard to hold back.
"You deserve all the good in the world, you deserve to be happy with your girl; hell she came back from the dead to be with you! What better sign do you need to see it's time for you to let go of the past and start a new life, with her."
Clarke shakes her head, a tear spilling involuntarily.
Raven wipes Clarke's solitary tear from her cheek as she insists, "you also must stop trying to be tough for us; you're allowed to cry you know, to vent." One side of her mouth curls up in a smirk. "Especially regarding chicks."
Clarke chokes on a laugh that soon turns into sobs she no longer wants to conceal.
"Come here." Raven takes her friend in her arms, conveying without words that she is safe with her, that everything will be OK.
xxxxxxxxx
It is not until the third day that Lexa receives a note from Orita asking her to meet at their special spot.
At the designated time Lexa arrives at their place, wanting nothing more than to get things straightened out with her childhood friend.
As soon as Lexa crosses the entrance, Orita stands up facing her with a strong stance.
"Uh… how-how are you feeling?" Lexa questions cautiously, sensing the defensiveness in the blonde.
"I could be better," Orita replies with honesty.
Following the same line of honesty, Lexa doesn't waste time and begins, "I-I think we need to talk about what happened the other day." When Orita only nods, Lexa proceeds. "I want to start by apologizing for-uh my behavior; I guess I let myself go in there; it was a mistake and um it can't-it can't happen again," she ends hoping her words didn't sound too harsh.
"I know." Orita surprisingly agrees but complements, "although I can't say I regret it."
The way she says it, the attitude and how she fixes her eyes on her; cause Lexa to feel even guiltier than she already does. "I'm sorry" she lets out instinctively.
"You have nothing to be sorry for Lexa, I knew what I was getting into, I could have said no."
"But you were…"
"I-" Orita seems to be contemplating what she wants to say before actually expelling the exact words. "I love you, OK? I just let my emotions guide me; I took what was presented to me. Last night was something I never imagined I would experience in my life, it was amazing, it was raw, it was… imperfect." Her eyes shine with awe at her own discovery "it was an eye opener and it made me see I was living in this secure bubble that is our village, dreaming of a future with someone that… evidently didn't feel the same," her voice cracks a bit "and who is undoubtedly not meant for me."
Lexa's throat constricts but she doesn't dare to interrupt the blonde.
"At first I wanted to be mad at you for not telling me about who you really were, but now I see you had your reasons, you had... your goals in mind, your purpose and you went for it until you achieved it… until you got her." She swallows and carries on. "And I wanna do the same, I want to have a purpose in life, and I wanna follow it, achieve it… you used to be my purpose in life but… you are not for me Lexa." Orita exhales giving herself courage to finally announce "that's why I'm leaving."
It is then Lexa takes in the small bag that is sitting to one side. The realization is like a blow to her face. "You're leaving? What do you mean leaving? Where?"
"Wherever the spirits send me."
"For how long?!"
"I don't know; as long as it takes" Orita shrugs.
"No! You're not doing that, it's dangerous out there Orita." Lexa steps forward, full of concern.
"Yes I am," Orita states more than sure. "Don't you understand? I need this, I need to see the world, I need to face my own fears… alone. I was reckless Lexa, I challenged and almost died in the hands of the commander!" She chuckles at her own stupidity. "I have to learn to control my instincts, to deal with the consequences of my actions."
Desperate, Lexa reaches for Orita's arm "you don't have to go wandering around to find yourself! Your place is here with your family, what about them, are they OK with this?" She tries to come up with any excuse that would make her friend change her mind.
"Ugh!" Orita closes her eyes, willing her bravery not to succumb. "Can't you see? It doesn't matter Lexa. I just can't be here in this place crying over something that can never be; I can't keep being the naive girl waiting for a fearless warrior to come and save her but most of all… I can't stand … I can't be here close to you."
And that is all it takes for Lexa to let go of Orita, the idea of her causing the girl more suffering is enough for her to stop insisting. She stares at her first with astonishment, never expecting to hear something like this; but as the initial shock wears off she takes a step back, her jaw clenching. "If that's what you desire," she simply utters trying not to sound too shaky.
"Yes, this is what I want." Orita chances a glance at Lexa before retrieving her bag. She takes a deep breath, turns around and walks slowly to the exit. A second of hesitation when she passes by Lexa, is followed by her leaning into the brunette to plant a soft lingering kiss on her cheek. "Mebi oso na hit choda op nodotaim, ai lukot" she murmurs as a goodbye.
The phrase, pronounced in her native language is so intimate and full of sentiment that Lexa can't fight her emotions anymore. She pulls Orita toward her body and envelops her in the strongest hug they have ever shared.
Orita, holds on to her with all her might, her tears spilling on Lexa's shoulder.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Lexa mumbles among sobs. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I know you didn't" Orita consoles adding in the process, "I don't care who you were in the past or who you'll become in the future, to me you will always be just Lexa my best friend," with that she kisses Lexa's forehead and lets go of her.
Lexa watches helplessly as Orita, the girl who was her companion for so many years, step away from her life.
xxxxxxxxx
After a long bath to get rid of the exhausting day she spent, Clarke feels considerably better. Definitely the open talk with Raven the other night worked tremendously in improving her mood. Everything is not as dark as it was some days ago, and it's certainly liberating.
Clarke, having finished drying herself off and dressing, leaves the bathroom to work a bit before going to sleep, but stops dead in her tracks when she spots two brunettes in her bed. "What are you doing here?" She asks warily.
"Oh well," Octavia stands up, walks up to Clarke and leans on her shoulder "we thought we'd come here and cheer you up with our gracious company."
"And…" Raven joins in, "we also thought we could chill with you and have a much needed girl's night. We got Roda to make ice cream for us, look!" She proudly shows a bowl of the creamy sweet.
"Guys." Clarke sighs in fake frustration "I have work early tomorrow." She then looks at Octavia "we have work early tomorrow."
"C'mon just for a while!" Raven coaxes. "We can talk shit about Lexa and her teen hormones or trash that hot blondie you beat the crap out of; I even got some background music and stuff. I swear we will leave at a decent hour, what ya say?"
"Pleeeeease?" Octavia bats her eyelashes for effect giving a mocking sweet smile.
Clarke tries hard to contain her laughter but a snort escapes her, letting the girls know she has been convinced.
"Lets get the party started, Griffin!" Raven pulls Clarke by the arm toward the bed.
Octavia helps by pushing Clarke and the three of them end up falling on the bed in a fit of laughter.
Clarke has never been more grateful for these crazy bitches as she is right now.
…
Lexa stayed inside the cave by herself for a long while. Could have been hours, she can't really tell, but eventually she numbly walked away from there. Not knowing exactly when or how, Lexa ends up at home; and of course her mother is there to greet her.
"What happened?" Jahnisce questions, worried as soon as Lexa crosses the doorway.
Taking a look at her mother, defeated, Lexa mumbles "she's gone."
"What do you mean, she's gone?"
"Orita, mom; she-she left the village; and it's my fault. She's leaving because being near me hurts too much… I hurt her mom. She told me she loved me and I just used her I…" she chokes "and I also hurt Clarke she… I don't even know if she's gonna take me back."
"Don't worry, Wanheda is.." Jahnisce protests but Lexa keeps on speaking.
"This is not who I am I- would've never…" she closes her eyes and clenches her jaw, remembering she can't say too much, not in front of her mother. "This is not me; this is beneath me," she paces around frantically. "I don't know what to do; I don't even know who I am anymore."
"Lexa, wait…" Jahnisce reaches out for Lexa but retrieves her hand with a gasp when Lexa lets out a long piercing scream.
Lexa holds her head with both hands; breathing heavily, eyes unfocused.
Jahnisce takes a step back in fear.
Behind a wall, Adam watches the scene petrified, not recognizing his sister.
And it's understandable; the image is one to be afraid of: Lexa now has her arms firmly at her sides, hands formed into fists, chest heaving, looking around like she is plotting something in her mind.
"Adam." Jahnisce calls, "tell your father to come here." When the kid doesn't respond she raises her voice, "now!"
The boy rushes out of the house and does what he was told.
In thirty seconds flat, Malku stumbles through the front door like a maniac. "What, what happened!?" Instead of an answer his best sword is forcefully shoved into his hands.
"Go fight with your daughter."
"Wha…" Malku spins his head in Lexa's direction, only then taking in the state she is in.
"Go and fight her… with all your might," Jahnisce orders with such conviction that Malku has no other choice than to obey.
He clenches his jaw and gives a hard nod –very Lexa like - then calls loudly to get the girl's attention. "Warrior!"
Lexa slowly cranes her neck in Malku's direction, glaring at him.
"I will see you at the back." It's the only thing he says before striding toward the patio on his property.
Automatically Lexa follows without question.
Once they are outside, they position themselves so that they face each other, taking their swords out of their sheaths, ready to fight.
As he was advised, Malku strikes first with a hard blow that Lexa blocks easily. So he persists and sends one blow after another, applying more force each time.
Block and deflect, are the first of Lexa's actions but she soon has enough of it and proceeds to attack. She moves forward unexpectedly, compelling Malku to step back.
The hits grow fast and harder to the point that Malku's arms begin to tire. He finds himself disconcerted at Lexa's new found strength, having never witnessed her like that before.
Lexa moves her sword with innate ability and mechanical movements; her mind possessed by a lot of memories and regrets that intrude her thoughts, creating a mess of anger that builds up into her blows.
Even with his brawny structure and his strong stance it becomes too much for Malku. His sword flies out of his hand with one of Lexa's particularly hard swipes.
At the sound of her father's sword hitting the ground, Lexa comes out of her stupor.
Malku is staring at her in awe and a little scared.
Lexa then realizes what she did; she confronted her father with most of her potential, the one she always tried to conceal from him, in order to avoid that same look she is getting right now. She wants to apologize and to explain but she is frozen in place, she can't move, she can't speak; her head starts to spin with uncertainty and confusion. Lexa's sword slips from her hand as she falls to her knees on the floor; and just when she is beginning to lose herself in the chaos of her memories, a familiar voice pulls her back to reality.
"Hey, listen, listen to me." Jahnisce grabs Lexa's face tightly, pulling it up, forcing their eyes to meet. She waits until Lexa is actually staring back at her to state in the most certain tone she can muster. "You are Leksa kom trikru; daughter of Malku and Jahnisce of trikru, the older sister of Adam; the last champion of the young warrior's competition and Wanheda's partner." She pauses, making sure Lexa is listening before continuing, "those are the only things you should always remember; those are the things that must remain with you in here." She gives a soft shake to Lexa's head for emphasis. "The rest; all the darkness, the anger, the guilt and regret should be eradicated from your mind, they have no place in there anymore. You should only keep the feelings, the emotions, the love and nothing more… in here" Jahnisce moves her hand to Lexa's chest, pressing on the place where her heart should be.
And something frees in Lexa's chest at her mother's words; like a weight from her shoulders leaving her body. Lexa little by little comes to the realization she is living this new life; there is no war to be fought, no people to be saved, no people to be killed. All her problems, all her bad decisions are for her to solve and deal with like a regular girl that is not perfect. But she isn't alone this time, she has a family that loves her, she has Clarke … or at least she hopes she still does.
"I'm scared." The phrase escapes Lexa's mouth without even thinking about it. She puts her arms around Jahnisce's waist, burying her face in her mother's belly.
"It's OK to be scared, baby girl." Jahnisce purposely uses a skypeople's term of endearment to calm her daughter down, caressing Lexa's head soothingly. "I'm here for you, always."
With that symbolic consent Lexa lets go and cries in Jahnisce's arms like she hasn't done for quite a while. There will be time for her to be strong, but for now she allows herself to just be Lexa, the daughter who needs her mom; the girl who fucked up and will work hard to regain her woman's trust. She allows herself to be only human.