Clarke and Lexa face to face again. How will it go?

The morning after her breakdown, was the most uncomfortable ever in her house for Lexa. Despite the well intentioned efforts of her father to act like everything was the same, Lexa could feel Malku's apprehensiveness and hesitancy all the while. Needless to say, the way little Adam was behaving was the worst of all; he was uncharacteristically quiet, throwing sidelong glances at her, but as soon as she stared back he would look away obviously in fear. It broke Lexa's heart into a million pieces, to see her two favorite men regard her with such reservations, but there was nothing she could do; everything that happened in less than a week was just too much for everybody to handle, she couldn't bear the thought of adding to the drama by openly confessing her true self. So she waited for her father to leave the house to actually make a move on the easiest one of the two.

"I'm going to the sewing room," Jahnisce announces having finished clearing the table. "You kids will be OK?" The question is followed by a pointed look, having already picked up on the tension between the siblings.

"Of course we will!" Lexa takes the opportunity. "We are going to do some practicing, we haven't done it in a while, what do you say little guy?" She doesn't care how over excited she sounds or how eager.

Adam looks like a deer caught in the headlines. He stares at Lexa and opens his mouth and tries to decline the invitation but nothing comes out; he turns to his mom in hopes she will save him but he only gets a glare in return from the woman, causing the boy to gulp and face his sister once again, this time nodding his acceptance reluctantly.

Lexa immediately feels bad because of the kid's resistance, she considers actually letting him off the hook, but yet again a well put glowering on Jahnisce's face forces the girl to stand up and take the wooden swords off the wall where they always hang. "C'mon," Lexa urges and Adam follows with resignation.

They walk for a good ten minutes, heading in the direction of the woods where they usually train, in complete silence; Lexa not wanting to pressure him and Adam because he really didn't know what to say. Once they reach their spot, Lexa doesn't waste any time and hands her brother his sword to begin the sparring session.

As expected he is very insecure in his technique, with fear of lifting his sword, there is nothing at all that appears like the cocky boy that would strike Lexa daringly. She can't take it anymore, she has to stop "OK,OK; Adam wait, wait a sec."

Adam obediently puts his sword down the way Lexa and his father taught him; he squirms in place expecting Lexa's next instructions.

With a sigh of remorse Lexa crouches in front of her brother in order to talk to him and it pains her to see him flinch at the proximity. "Adam…" she starts softly. "I'm sorry if I scared you last night; I was very conflicted and sad; I didn't mean to…"

"They say things." Adam interjects all of a sudden; not able to hold back what was on his mind. He looks at her briefly, feeling he did something wrong by interrupting her but when Lexa only stares at him with kind eyes he continues. "Mom told me not to engage in gossip but-the other kids at school, they talk…things; and I hear. They say…" Adam swallows and with some courage he fixes his eyes on her and asks, tentatively "are you the previous commander?"

The question is certainly surprising, especially coming from her little brother. She is left speechless for a few seconds but the expectant little face of Adam makes her decide something right then and there. "Yes, I'm her," is Lexa's simple straightforward reply.

Adam gasps at the confession; his jaw dropping incredulously. He could question the admission or believe his sister is playing a joke on him, but the truth is what he saw the previous night is confirmation enough. "WOW!" He gawks at her, up and down, the fear dissipating now transforming into admiration.

Lexa could have lied, but she knew Adam was a smart boy; he would understand. Either way she needs to make sure he gets the gravity of this secret. "Hey buddy, listen. You can't go around telling this to everyone; not even to mom and dad; at least not yet. This will be our little secret, OK?"

"OK." Adam nods emphatically, his face lighting up at the notion he is being confided in with a hidden truth, one he will treasure forever in his heart.

"Good, I knew I could trust you." Lexa winks and ruffles his hair when she stands up; happy the tension has dissipated, now replaced by awe and excitement. Taking advantage of that she offers with a smirk "want me to teach you some defense tricks; ones only taught to commanders?"

There was no force in this world able to hold back Adam's enthusiasm at such a tempting offer.

…

It wasn't a rare occurrence to find Clarke sitting outside at the back of the tower with some of her servants who had made a bonfire and would relax and have something hot to drink. She would sit among them occasionally, listening to their conversations, sometimes intervening and other times just in thought. And the latter is the state she is currently in, sitting quietly with a cup of warm herbal tea in her hands. Clarke watches as one by one retreat for the night, until she is left alone. She stays there for several minutes submerged in her own recollections and what ifs.

"What's troubling you, commander?" Roda asks in trigedasleng as she takes a seat next to Clarke. She briefly scans Clarke's face before adding sympathetically. "Problems of the heart?"

Clarke snorts but says nothing for a couple minutes. After mulling over a thought in her head, she states, "I never had any of those you know?"

Roda gives her an inquisitive look.

"I had life threatening problems, war problems, survival problems; but no, no problems of the heart." Clarke shakes her head from side to side in subconscious emphasis. "And I can't believe I'm saying this but those other problems seem trivial compared to those of the heart."

The other woman chuckles; patting Clarke's leg in understanding. "Oh the heart; such a small muscle that carries so much power over us. One that makes us do the bravest things, but also the most senseless ones."

Roda speaks with such conviction that Clarke can only observe her with rapt attention.

"Sometimes it helps show our true selves; but other times it acts with absolute selfishness that towers over our heads and makes us act like we never had before, like we were someone else."

Clarke runs a hand over her face in frustration, completely identifying with what Roda is saying. She wasn't feeling like herself when she fought against Orita, or when she told Lexa to act on her desires; at that moment she was feeling more like a stupid jealous girl who didn't know how to handle the situation and decided on the first thing that occurred to her in a lame attempt to appear to be in control. She felt like she didn't know how to handle a relationship; and what is worse, she still feels that way. "Yeah, like someone else." Clarke sighs with bitterness; realizing there is a lot of things she has to figure out regarding the issue; realizing there is a lot of things both –she and Lexa- need to learn when it comes to matters of love.

…

It was a breath of fresh air for Lexa to let Adam know about her identity, it made her days in the village a little brighter, despite the remaining tension at home. Of course alone at night she would still sulk with her regrets and guilt; but she tried her best to come up with ways to fix her issues with Clarke. The long conversations with her mother also helped a lot in getting a new perspective of everything. All she can do now is wait for the day when she returns to Polis to face her girl once and for all.

…

Not that she liked to be bossed around but she named Indra her counselor for a reason; that is how Clarke finds herself coming back from her forced horseback ride in order to relax and clear her mind. She has to admit it was actually a good idea since the air on her face and the trotting of the horse alleviated her stress.

Clarke dismounts the animal effortlessly, gets a hold of the reins and proceeds to take it inside the stable.

"Wanheda," the girl in charge of the stable hurries to greet Clarke midway.

"Oh hey uh…" Clarke's nose crinkles in an effort to remember the girl's name but she fails. "Hi," she settles for the simple monosyllabic greeting.

"Was your ride pleasant?" The young brunette inquires too eagerly, as she takes the reins from Clarke.

"Yeah, actually it was," Clarke confirms with a polite smile.

"I'm glad to hear that." The girl replies in a more seductive tone, stepping closer to the blonde until she is almost face to face with her.

The bold movement stuns Clarke to the point she is left speechless and finds herself at the mercy of the girl.

"You've been so edgy lately, commander." The brunette reaches for Clarke's cheek with her hand, letting her palm slide delicately. "I would like nothing more than to ease your anxieties away." Her words are pointed with a glance straight at Clarke's lips.

The softness of her touch evokes memories in Clarke; memories of what that hand precisely did to her, of them at the very back of the stable losing themselves in the passion. Clarke can feel her body responding to the imagines and the caresses that go progressively lower; she gulps at the unwelcome warmth spreading through her body. She is starting to lose herself in her own cravings, in the events that transpired not so long ago, in the anger, in the resentment… and it is only when the girl is about to reach her breast that Clarke remembers something else- someone else. "Wait!" She grabs the brunette's wrist firmly, immobilizing her hand.

The stable girl halts, startled by the command.

Clarke blinks the visions away, calming down her body enough to give a convincing and categorical reply. "I can't do this. I have a girlfriend."

"Oh I…" The girl, horrified, retracts her hand like it had been burned; her eyes open wide with panic. "I'm so sorry Wanheda I-I didn't know…"

"Shhh, it's OK." Clarke takes the girl's hand and moves it toward her lips to give it a soothing kiss. "You didn't do anything wrong, it's not like it was of public domain."

The girl just looks down ashamed.

Taking pity on her poor servant, Clarke indulges in some innocent flirting. "We did have good times huh?" She admits with a smirk, eyeing the girl "so don't worry, everything is good. Anyone you choose as a partner will be lucky to have you." She gives a final squeeze to the girl's hand before letting go carefully.

A little more reassured but still embarrassed the girl only nods with a timid smile.

Clarke winks at her and turns around leaving the stable as nonchalantly as she can, but once she is outside she exhales forcefully, not believing the situation she just got herself out of. 'Shit that was close,' she shakes her head in disbelief. Clarke really doesn't know whether to be proud for not succumbing to the temptation or to be ashamed for feeling tempted in the first place. Yet another thing to wreck her head about.

…

The day to go back has finally arrived and Lexa couldn't be more anxious. She is already at the gates of her village, where two cars are expecting her. She first hugs her father –who started to treat her normally a few days after their fight.

"Take care Strikon." Malku kisses Lexa's temple. "We will visit you soon."

"I'll be waiting for you," Lexa promises detaching from the man with a smile. She then crouches to the same level as Adam, and embraces him tenderly, "don't forget pal, keep our secret safe," she whispers in his ear.

"Warrior's word," Adam whispers back as they pull apart with conspiratorial smirks.

Finally, Lexa stands up to bid farewell to her mother.

"Come here," Jahnisce pulls Lexa toward her enveloping the teen in her arms.

Lexa inhales her mother's familiar smell and feels her throat constrict with emotion, "don't take too long to come and see me, OK?"

"No my yongon, we won't." Jahnisce holds Lexa tightly for a while, then pulls back at arm's length to look at her daughter in the eyes. "Now go and get your girl back; do what you gotta do to gain her graces once again, OK?" She squeezes Lexa's shoulders as a silent encouragement and finally gives her a kiss on the forehead.

"I will." Lexa lets go of her mother with effort, containing the need to cry.

Jahnisce is in a similar state, as she watches her daughter walk away.

A guard opens the car door in order for Lexa to climb into the vehicle.

Once settled in, Lexa turns back to look through the window at her family, still standing in the same place. She offers a half smile as she waves at them.

They wave back at her while the cars begin moving away from them.

Lexa's eyes instinctively take in the guard tower at the entrance, a place where somebody would have been if it wasn't for… Lexa shakes her head, rearranging so she is sitting properly, facing the front. 'Don't think about that now, that is in the past; your focus must remain on Clarke and only her.' She takes a deep breath trying to relax for the rest of the trip; preparing for what is to come.

…

Lexa made it to Polis around midnight. She rapidly climbs down from the jeep and gets her bag ready to head to the dorms when she spots Clarke at the main doors of the tower. Lexa was surprised to say the least, never imagining her girlfriend would be waiting for her. She inhales and exhales preparing herself for Clarke's wrath as she approaches her.

"Hey." Clarke is the first to speak; serious, almost authoritative.

"Hi" Lexa greets back doing her best not to avert her eyes from Clarke's.

"You!" Clarke calls at one of the guards. "Take that bag and leave it at the dormitories." She commands, pointing at Lexa's bag.

"Yes Wanheda." The man extends his hand and waits for Lexa to hand it to him before bowing and leaving the scene.

"Lets go." Clarke directs and begins walking.

Lexa follows her obediently.

They reach the elevator in complete silence but once inside Lexa is surprised once again by a question. "Was your trip back OK?"

"Uh yeah it –it was, OK."

"Good."

The elevator stops at the top of the tower and Clarke quickly opens the door for them to disembark. She walks with strong steps, guiding them to her bedroom. Clarke honestly would prefer to have this conversation in another room in the tower; but she wants the most private place in the building and her room happens to be it, so she had no other choice.

When they make it inside, Lexa stands awkwardly near the entrance; her own remorse making it impossible for her to roam around the place like she did in the past.

If Clarke notices this, she doesn't point it out, simply goes and hangs her coat as she speaks in the process. "Do you need anything? Water, something to eat… a shower?"

The sarcastic tone Clarke uses on the last part doesn't go unnoticed by Lexa. She purses her lips, containing the need to retort, choosing her words carefully. "I don't need a shower Clarke; it's not like if…" Lexa stops suddenly when Clarke raises a hand.

"Spare me please," Clarke interjects. "I don't need the details."

Lexa has to actually bite her tongue to avoid from saying anything.

"I just need to know if you have everything sorted out." Clarke elaborates as she serves herself some water. "If I don't have to worry every time you go visit your family."

It is pretty obvious what Clarke is referring to; but she's in no way going to allow the blonde to change the facts. "You didn't have anything to worry about in the first place Clarke; I told you already." She takes a pause to choose her words wisely, "what happened was… a mistake. ONE mistake …" Lexa makes sure to emphasize the word "…that will never be repeated again."

Clarke drinks from her cup as if unaffected, the only evidence of her pent up anger is how tight she is holding the object.

"Besides, if me seeing her again is one of your concerns, you can rest assured that's not gonna happen any time soon. She left."

"Left?" Clarke asks, hating that she is actually interested "where?"

"I don't know, she wouldn't say." Lexa shrugs feigning indifference, "she just said she wanted to find herself or something like that."

Disappearing for awhile with no direction because you need some clearing of the mind is something Clarke can relate to completely. She turns her back momentarily on Lexa, deep in thought. First Orita challenges her not caring that she's the commander, defying her even when she was defeated and on the floor and now leaving to go God knows where "to find herself".

Brave, stubborn and a little lost.

Clarke can't help noticing the coincidences, 'of course Lexa would be attracted to someone like that,' she chuckles at the irony, turning once again to face her girlfriend. "Well she must have her reasons and I'm sure they are all valid." She refrains from announcing out loud the "as long as she stays the hell away from you, I don't care," on the tip of her tongue.

"Yeah, I'm sure they are," Lexa lets out with a hint of resentment that Clarke is able to detect.

"Are you sure I have nothing to worry about?" Clarke insists, placing her cup on the desk, preparing for the serious talk. "Because I can't help but notice you have strong feelings toward her."

Before Lexa can actually counteract, Clarke adds.

"Lets begin with why you didn't tell me about her existence; I mean she's your fucking best friend and you failed to mention her?" Clarke comments freely, not hiding her irritation anymore. "I don't know about you Lexa, but that seems like a very big red flag to me."

Lexa sighs with the knowledge this is the moment of truth. She ventures a bit more inside, searching for a chair so they can talk comfortably.

Clarke stands next to her desk, tensely waiting for a reply.

"I've been thinking about it these past two weeks, why it was so hard for me to tell you." Lexa begins analyzing again the events in her head. "I really didn't understand myself at first to be honest but as I told you before you came here I-I like her Clarke," she admits with a bit of trepidation but they are here to be frank so she doesn't stop, "I do like her. I didn't see it before, or perhaps I chose not to as I was so focused on getting to you…to be with you." She glances in Clarke's direction. "I was so determined to get to you that I blinded myself with everything that was around me; perhaps if I had paid more attention, done something about it, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"Or perhaps you would've been with her," Clarke voices with resentment "if you had taken notice of your attraction toward her earlier, maybe you would be in a relationship with her, and not with me."

"That is impossible," Lexa refutes. "I could have never shared my life with anyone else but you Clarke. I didn't even want to share my body but…" she closes her eyes; regret painting her features.

The incomplete sentence works as a confirmation that it actually happened and it hits Clarke hard. Not that she had any doubts, but to hear it from Lexa herself is almost too much to bear. She crosses her arms subconsciously for protection, and to avoid slamming something down out of pure anger.

"I don't know what happened…" Lexa shakes her head trying really hard to explain what is going through her mind, "it's like I was someone else, I was there and I just… acted, I- I don't remember what I was thinking or if I was actually thinking at all."

And Clarke listens, does her best to be the mature one, to be pragmatic; to put aside her pain for one second to scrutinize the situation, "maybe it wasn't you?"

That gets Lexa's attention, distracting her momentarily from her laments. She watches Clarke intrigued, expecting her to elaborate.

"Maybe it wasn't really you. It was your body," Clarke walks toward her bed in deep concentration "you know, the teen girl taking possession over your mind; cause whether we like it or not, you are a teenager Lexa with all that it implies" she ends, sitting down on the mattress.

It makes sense, Lexa has to concede, but she doesn't want to use that as justification for her actions "that could be right, yes. But also … I don't know; maybe deep inside I was jealous too… and angry for what I saw at Roans banquet I just… how many women have been in your bed Clarke?" She asks without thinking, regretting it immediately. "Sorry, no I… I understand now; you were lost, you didn't know I was alive… it's not my right."

"No I…" Clarke is the one now displaying guilt. "I'm sorry I…"

"Stop!" Lexa suddenly interjects startling Clarke. "Just stop apologizing… for everybody, for everything." Lexa grabs her head frustrated, looking down. "I'm the one who should be apologizing." She swallows the contained emotions. "All I do is keep hurting you."

Clarke never expected to hear those words coming from Lexa's mouth, not in the past, not now. She instinctively holds onto the sheets under her hands in need of grounding.

"Since day one of my previous life all I did was hurt you; scared you, threaten you…then I betrayed you."

The last words send Clarke into a spiral of horrible reminiscences, ones she pushed to the back of her mind so many years ago but now rushes back forcefully, haunting her. She looks away from Lexa to avoid her from reading her eyes.

Lexa 's mind is being taken over by the guilt that has been consuming her, not only for those two weeks but far more; it becomes too much, she has to let it all out "And now that I came back, when everything was supposed to be better, when I was supposed to better I… I fuck it all up by..." she grunts in frustration. "I don't know how to deal with this Clarke, these… emotions, these compulsions." Lexa buries her face in her hands. "I'm so confused and lost and-and I'm dragging you in with me, I'm sorry."

Even when she tries hard to contain it, Clarke can feel her eyes begin to water; her lips tremble with all the emotions pouring out of her. But she doesn't relent; doesn't let her guard down; that is until Lexa continues.

"Bringing you all this suffering once again, it's not fair to you, you've had enough already; that's why I…" Lexa gathers her inner courage to express exactly what has been torturing her all this time. "I- think it's best if we …" she doesn't get to finish as a loud choking sound from Clarke interrupts her. "Clarke?"

The scene is unexpected: Clarke, head down, covers her face with her hands attempting to quiet the sobs erupting deep within her.

Lexa freezes on the spot, never occurring to her Clarke would react this way; she imagined her being mad, yelling at the top of her lungs, but not like this. Lexa is so caught off guard that she just remains there, watching her girlfriend cry.

And Clarke does so for a good while, shaking from the power of the sobs that she finds difficult to conceal.

When Lexa finally stands up to go to Clarke and console her, the blonde stops her advances with one hand in the air.

"Don't" Clarke mumbles "I can't right now I… just …don't."

"Clarke…" Lexa barely whispers in a lame attempt to argue.

Sniffling, and clearing her throat Clarke enunciates in a raspy voice, "I don't think I can continue this conversation anymore Lexa; not-not now; I want to be left alone, please" she ends, still with her eyes focused on the floor.

Lexa would love to insist on staying and comforting her girl but she can understand Clarke's renounce and she is not about to push for more than what Clarke is willing to offer. So with a heavy heart she turns away and starts heading for the door. She is about to reach for the doorknob when she hears Clarke utter weakly.

"Thank you."

"What?" Lexa spins around, puzzled, wondering if she heard correctly.

Clarke takes a deep breath, lifting her gaze to look Lexa straight in the face before complementing. "Thank you; for making me feel again." She takes a brief pause to gather her thoughts while Lexa gapes at her confused. Willing to get her point across Clarke continues. "For sixteen years I was dead inside; I felt nothing absolutely nothing, I was hollow. And then out of the blue you come back again and I have all this happiness, anger, fear, sadness, jealousy, desire… love." Clarke rises from her bed and takes slow steps toward Lexa.

The brunette gulps petrified as Clarke approaches her.

"But of course it had to be you" Clarke chuckles, already face to face with Lexa. "You always made me feel the best and worst things since the moment I met you; so powerless and powerful, so clueless yet certain, so lost … until I found you." She reaches for Lexa's cheek, caressing it softly. "So thank you Lexa, even though right now I'm so fucking mad at you, and frustrated, and disgusted." Clarke leans in to nuzzle Lexa's nose "… at least I'm feeling… and it's all because of you."

"Oh Clarke," Lexa grabs Clarke by the hips, pulling her against her body; needing to feel her closeness.

"I don't know how you did it, but I always had a sense of normality with you; among the chaos of the war and constant death threats, I always craved that normality; I even dreamed about it."

"Yeah?"

"Yes," Clarke replies taking Lexa by the collar. "With you I feel whole, I feel complete; safe, I feel home…my love."

Lexa's heart bursts from the intimate confession; she takes Clarke's face in her hands, getting lost in her essence and feel of her.

"And I want to be normal; I want my "normal" to be with you." Clarke murmurs ghosting her lips over Lexa's "I want to be a regular woman who has a regular relationship… a regular girlfriend…" she indulges in Lexa's proximity for a second before abruptly pulling apart, "a regular girlfriend who I can't stand right now."

The action causes Lexa to almost loose her balance. Once she gathers her bearings she stares at Clarke with eyes big and jaw dropping, completely thrown off. "wha…"

"I can't stand the idea of you and her; I can't even look at you right now!" Clarke shakes her head, nostrils flaring. "I know I told you to do it but- but fuck I was stupid and- and you should have known that!"

"I…"

"I want to hate you alright? I'm furious and I'm jealous and … I need my normal, I need to hate you like a regular girl who is fucking pissed at her girlfriend, OK?"

And Lexa stays put with no idea what to do or what to say.

"Get out!" Clarke suddenly exclaims startling Lexa.

When Lexa fails to move, Clarke takes her by the arm, drags her the few steps toward the exit and unceremoniously opens the door and kicks Lexa out of her room.

…

The last thing Lexa hears is Clarke screaming "and we are not breaking up!" before the door slams behind her.

…

As soon as she's alone, Clarke feels her lungs expand, the air flowing easily in them. She has an unexpected sense of relief that causes her to release a short laugh. 'What the fuck was that?' She questions her own sanity. But whatever it was she has never ever felt this ordinary, this at ease, this… alive. 'Fucking Lexa' she curses bringing a hand to her forehead, loving and hating this foreign sensation of belonging, knowing with absolute certainty that an emotion like this can only be provoked by one person: the love of her life.