Hello my dear readers! I apologize once again for the delay, I did warn you it was going to be a bit difficult to come back to my regular pace but the good news is I feel I'm getting better (or at least I hope not to take 10 months again :/) New year, new resolutions!
For now the fic will be chill, focusing on our girls trying to recover their relationship and being the dorks they always are. Hope you are patient and enjoy the slow pace, I promise action is coming in the subsequent chapters.
The next day arrived with sleepy morning kisses and a sweet make out session that unfortunately had to be cut short due to their respective duties. They reluctantly parted ways, but not without the promise of seeing each other as soon as it was possible; knowing perfectly well they needed to be together to nurture their relationship and their new promise; and there is still a lot to be done in that area.
….
Early the next morning with renewed energy Lexa arrives at the training field, only to be welcomed by tables full of assorted weaponry. 'Crap' she had been so focused on her issues with Clarke that she completely forgot it was gun day. Normally she would skip it –already having Clarke's and Octavia's blessing- but after the honest conversation she had with her girlfriend the previous night, she somehow feels empowered. 'I can do it, I can overcome this' she encourages herself determined to go ahead and try to fire a weapon for the first time…that is if she actually succeeds in holding it.
"General," Lexa greets respectfully.
"Lexa!" Octavia looks at her surprised. "What are you doing here? It's gun day remember?"
"I know." Lexa confirms but adds, "I wanna learn to use a gun."
"Oh," Octavia observes Lexa's face intently for any trace of doubt or hesitancy but since she doesn't find any she concedes. "Very well then, go to the last table and choose one. First we will go through the basics. As soon as you have an idea of how to handle a gun we will go through the proper training and catch up with your peers."
Lexa nods and approaches the guns on the table. Once she reaches them, she stands in front of the closest gun on display, but as she eyes the weapon all sorts of memories begin to invade her mind.
"OK, first of all this is how you safely grip the handle of the weapon." Octavia wastes no time in her explanation, and begins the demonstration for Lexa.
Lexa clenches her jaw, as she tries hard to force the memories to go away and just focus on the present. When she believes she has regained some level of self-control over the images she takes a deep breath and tentatively grabs the weapon.
It's the first time in her entire life that Lexa has successfully held onto a gun – previous one included. As a commander she never came into contact with one because of principle and in her current life, she ended up panicking with previous attempts at doing so. First she inspects the gun, sensing its roughness, feeling the weight of it in her hands.
Octavia waits patiently for Lexa to get accustomed to managing the object as she already understands the girl's apprehension.
It takes a few more seconds but Lexa finally lifts her head up, connecting her eyes with Octavia, indicating silently she is ready to continue with the quick lesson.
"Look, these are the bullets, you have to…"
Being the good warrior that she is, Lexa comprehends the instructions with ease, even daring to actually take the bullets and placing them into the magazine.
"Good, now lets head to the shooting range."
Lexa promptly follows Octavia to where the other young warriors are about to begin their practicing.
With a simple gesture Octavia signals for them to start. She doesn't stop walking until she's at the farthest target, to give Lexa some privacy.
The sound of guns discharging echoes through the air, agitating Lexa but she makes a conscious effort not to let it show.
Assuming the typical shooting stance, Octavia carries on. "You have to point at your target this way, preferably with both hands since the force of the shots can recoil your arm back if you are a beginner."
Lexa observes carefully the technique, swallowing the need to run away that suddenly invades her.
"Then you just pull the trigger." With that said Octavia fires two rounds.
Luckily, Lexa was prepared already; she barely flinches at the noise.
"You can try it yourself now." Octavia invites in complete instructor's mode.
"OK," Lexa nods absentmindedly. She takes Octavia's previous spot a few meters away from the target, dreadfully staring at it. She slowly moves her hands to the front, holding onto the gun tightly, scared it may slip away. Lexa feels the nervousness creeping inside of her once again. Her hands begin shaking, her breathing becoming elaborated as imagines from the day she died come back to her full force. 'That happened in the past, my other life, this is the present a new beginning' she attempts calming herself down.
"Take your time," Octavia remarks.
Gulping, Lexa places her finger on the trigger but doesn't apply any kind of pressure yet. A sudden piercing pain develops below her chest, her hands are sweating and no matter how much she tries to convince herself that all of this is in her mind, she gets lost in the sensations. A mixture of voices envelope her surroundings, blurred profiles of people in front of her; there's black blood and cries… Clarke's cries. "Fuck!" Lexa lets her arm fall to the side, the gun still in her grip. Her eyes close in frustration. "I can't… I can't do it," she lets out with gritted teeth.
Octavia sighs, she expected this outcome.
Mortified and frustrated Lexa hands over the weapon to Octavia without making eye contact and proceeds to stride away from the firing range.
…
Clarke takes a short break between meetings to have something to eat at the dining hall and lose some tension, when Octavia suddenly appears.
"Clarke," Octavia addresses her friend urgently, taking a seat across from her.
"Is everything OK?" Clarke asks warily sensing the seriousness in Octavia.
"Not quite, something happened today at the firing range."
…
Late that night, after spending the whole afternoon practicing alone, Lexa lies in bed in her dark room, lamenting the morning's events. 'Why can't I just pull the trigger, it's so fucking simple.' She recalls the physical sensations on her body whenever she held the gun. 'This is ridiculous I'm a warrior I should able to shoot the damn thing.' Lexa grunts and turns onto her side, frustrated. Even though she's embarrassed at her inability to go ahead with the gun lessons, she wishes Clarke could be there to comfort her.
And just like if she was summoned by her young girlfriend, Clarke knocks on Lexa's door. "Lexa it's me, open up."
Lexa jumps up from her bed to open the door.
Clarke doesn't have time to say anything since Lexa threw herself into her arms.
"I missed you," Lexa mumbles into Clarke's shoulder, holding onto her tightly. Feeling secure already in the arms of her woman.
"I missed you too"
Some minutes later, both are in bed cuddling. Clarke is spooning Lexa after having heard her version of what happened at the firing range.
"I don't get it Clarke, I faced the most horrible atrocities during my time as a commander, I carried the most dangerous weapons in all of Polis, so why can't I use a simple gun?"
Clarke gives a long sigh as she mentally chooses her words carefully. She, more than anyone else, understands Lexa's fear and hesitation, after all she was there when the events involving the gun occurred. An unfortunate witness of the love of her life's death. Clarke has to shake her head to clear the images from her memory. 'We are together now and that's the only thing that matters.' She focuses on Lexa and giving her the explanation she needs. "Well you seem to be experiencing some psychological trauma; it's completely normal after what happened to you." Even though it is still hard for Clarke to address what's next, she does it to get her point across. "You died Lexa, in a very painful and unexpected way; that's pretty much enough impact to cause a trauma on anyone." She keeps to herself the "on me too" and carries on. "A gun is a foreign object to you, an artifact that you barely knew but it took your life, of course you can't stand it; it's attached to something negative."
Lexa has to admit all Clarke said makes sense, but she doesn't know how to proceed. "And what am I supposed to do? I have to learn how to use it one way or another, this can't be forever, right?"
"No, it doesn't have to be," Clarke reassures. "You could start little by little; getting used to a gun, not firing it at first. If bad memories come to you and it's just too much to bear you stop immediately. From there you can start at your own pace, until you feel comfortable again."
"OK, that sounds doable." Lexa comments more positively.
"But for now, don't worry about it, lets just enjoy this."
Lexa simply hums and turns around so she's facing Clarke, immediately nuzzling on Clarke's neck.
Clarke rearranges her posture so they can fit perfectly. When she finds the right position, she kisses Lexa's head. "Sleep baby, I'm right here with you."
...
The next day, after practice, Lexa makes it to their secret place, where Clarke had told her to meet her earlier that morning. She makes it there first, so she finds a good spot near a tree and waits for her girlfriend to arrive.
Clarke shows up ten minutes later.
After they greet each other with a peck and chill for a few minutes, Clarke informs.
"So um, I didn't want to meet here only for relaxing."
Lexa arks a brow in confusion.
"I'm here to help you overcome your issues." Saying that Clarke removes her gun from her belt and lays it next to them.
"Oh," Lexa exclaims surprised and a bit cautious, her eyes already fixed on the weapon.
"Hey," Clarke scoots closer to Lexa. "There's no pressure baby. You don't have to do a thing. The gun is just here for you to get used to, OK?"
"OK." Lexa gulps, her eyes still on the gun, slowly breathing in and out in an effort to calm herself down.
Clarke caresses Lexa's leg, helping her to relax, waiting in silence for Lexa's next move. To her surprise, the girl takes the weapon in her hand.
Lexa has always had reservations regarding sky people's weaponry, especially guns. But now with Clarke next to her she feels protected, she knows her girlfriend is here for her and that gives the necessary confidence to try a bit harder.
Half an hour later and Lexa is practicing aiming with Clarke right behind her, guiding her hand with hers.
"You have to get a hold of it, like this. If you want a better grip you grab it with both hands." Clarke indicates.
"Like this?" Lexa asks with uncertainty.
Clarke moves a step back to be able to watch Lexa properly. "Yes like that," she confirms.
A couple minutes more in which Lexa makes sure she's got the proper technique, she finally lowers her arms. "Um, I guess that's enough for today."
"Sure," Clarke stretches out her hand so Lexa can give her the weapon.
And Lexa promptly hands it to her.
"That was very good progress Lexa, better than I imagined," Clarke notes while placing her gun back into the holster. "Maybe next time you can actually fire it."
"Thanks. I hope so."
With the matter partially dealt with, the couple partakes in more romantic and girlfriend-like activities.
…
After well spent hours, Clarke returns to the tower to continue with her commander duties; accompanied by Lexa who insisted on escorting her to the throne room. The both of them smile at each other the whole way back, holding hands without caring much for what people may say.
Upon arrival, Clarke is met by Indra a few meters away from the throne room.
"Clarke," she addresses the blonde first and quickly acknowledges Lexa then carries on. "A problem has arisen regarding the Shallow Valley kru that must be addressed right now if we want to continue with the roads implementation plan."
"Oh, for fucks sake." Clarke spats irritated, stomping into the room.
"Commander."
"Wanheda."
The team in charge of the maintenance and improvement of Polis bows to their leader.
"I thought everything was clear with the Shallow Valley clan after the meeting with the chief. I thought you had informed their people of our plans?" Clarke directs her question to the group, evidently unhappy.
Lexa remains quiet in the doorway. Since Clarke didn't dismiss her or say goodbye she stays for good measure. Besides she's curious about the topic at hand and wants to know how they are going deal with it. Truthfully she misses the meetings she used to have when she was the commander and how they all argued and came up with solutions.
"Yes Wanheda, but earlier when the workers arrived to start the measuring process soldiers from the clan approached them and asked them to leave the premises without further explanation," a member of the team informs.
"But why this sudden hostility," Clarke wonders out loud.
"Perhaps someone is telling them lies about our plan? It wouldn't be the first time Wanheda." A lady contributes her theory.
"That's a possibility commander; we should maybe send informants to pursue this matter," Indra advices.
"OK then, send some informants to investigate in depth," Clarke orders and then adds, "but we can't stand idly by with our arms crossed for long, we must continue with the project; any delay is a threat to the progress we've been achieving," she paces around. "There must be a way to persuade them to let us finish the work and sooner the better."
The team members were about to make some suggestions of their own when a voice at the back interrupts them.
"Commander?" Lexa steps in, cautiously adding in the process "I'm sorry to intrude in your meeting and I hope you don't mind my audacity but I have an idea that may help solving your predicament"
Everyone in the room turns to face Lexa.
"um…" Clarke is momentarily out of words and not sure how to proceed. She may be the commander but she doesn't want to come off as imposing Lexa's presence in the meeting just because they are involved. After seconds of inner debate, she advises "if no one here has any objection, I don't see why not." She looks around to gather the team's response.
"No problem at all Wanheda," the oldest man in the group says "by all means you may join in warrior; ideas and suggestions are always welcome," he invites with a knowing smile.
Lexa proceeds toward them shyly; feeling more confident as she sees no sign of rejection from any of the team members.
On the contrary they observe her with interest.
Relieved that nobody is questioning her girlfriend's participation, Clarke gets back into full commander mode. "So what's this idea you're talking about warrior?"
"Well," Lexa steps forward and stands in the middle of them all. "This may sound silly but there's a very simple solution that may apply to the Shallow Valley people as a whole. When I was… uh…" she stops mid-sentence remembering it would be inappropriate for her to refer to herself as the previous commander in front of this large group, especially without knowing if they believe it or not. So she opts for changing her approach. "I learned in class once that they like to plant new seeds, preferably rare ones. We all know how much they are enchanted with nature. Perhaps you can offer them some seeds? I'm pretty sure this would distract them enough and keep them busy and happy at the same time."
"Oh yes! I remember that!" One man in his forties exclaims. "There were some rare flowers here in the tower and every time we had meetings the chief of the Shallow Valley would not stop staring at them. Then you…" Just as Lexa did earlier, he changes his reference while addressing Lexa, "I mean one time the chief was presenting a complaint and commander Lexa offered to plant some in his clan. He was very pleased and he actually accepted the proposal offered without farther opposition."
The room erupts in loud comments.
Clarke exchange gazes with Indra, both impressed.
Lexa stands at ease with her hands behind her back, waiting for the commotion to die down.
A thing that must be achieved with a little help.
"Silence in the room!" Indra calls out with authority.
Everyone quiets down at the order.
"That sounds like an interesting option warrior" Clarke directs at Lexa, then turns to her right "what do you think counselor?"
Indra wastes no time in sharing her opinion. "I believe we could try this strategy. It appears to be a neutral solution that won't cause any harm in attempting it."
"Does everyone share the same opinion?" Clarke directs the question at the team.
"Yes Wanheda."
"We do."
"Very well." Clarke declares, "We will select the most unusual and beautiful plants and flowers discovered in the past years during our explorations and offer them to the Shallow Valley clan as well as offering our gardeners to teach them how to care for them properly."
The whole team nods their approval.
"Then it's settled. You will be summoned once the details are in the clear. You are dismissed."
Each of them bow to Clarke and start retreating. While doing so they smile at Lexa and praise her for her contribution.
"Hope you can join us in future meetings warrior. We could use some of your um, knowledge" a woman says, one Lexa remembers working with in the past. She winks at her before leaving the room.
Lexa chuckles to herself. She never imagined her participation would be so well accepted. She is over the moon with pride. And the compliments keep coming.
"That was some good idea there Lexa," Indra remarks as she approaches the girl. "Keep them coming," she pats Lexa's back.
"Yea, it was a simple but very compelling input," Clarke stands next to Lexa. "I was a little lost there so, thank you for the help." With that she leans in and gives her a kiss on the cheek."
"Uh, it was nothing," Lexa blushes profusely, suddenly shy. "It was just something I recalled. Let's hope it actually works."
"It will; I'm very positive about it," Clarke affirms.
Both stare at each other lovingly for a few seconds before Lexa cuts the sweet moment short.
"I better get going and let you work. You're kinda behind schedule because of me."
"Any time spent with you is worth it," Clarke asserts while placing a hand on Lexa's arm. "But wait" she turns to Indra. "Could you give us a minute?" Her tone is apologetic.
"Of course!" I'll wait outside" as proper as usual, Indra gives the couple some privacy.
With the woman gone Clarke begins, "so um, I was thinking that maybe tonight we can meet."
"Yeah, that sounds good!" Lexa beams. "You coming to the dorm?" She asks enthusiastically.
"No, I was thinking more like uh, my room?" Clarke speaks with a raspy tone, one that conceals an intention.
And Lexa gets it. "Oh yo-your room…tonight," she gulps at the prospect, knowing exactly what Clarke is hinting at. Suddenly memories of what happened the last time they tried that comes to her and it's not a nice vision. "Are you sure?" She carefully asks without delving into the topic too much.
Clarke connects her eyes with Lexa's to assure with upmost certainty. "Yes. Very much so."
There was nothing else for Lexa to inquiry about. She accepts the invitation. "OK. Then I'll see you later tonight," Lexa whispers trying not to sound too suggestive but more loving. She takes Clarke's hand and gives it a kiss.
"See you tonight," Clarke replies suddenly overcome with coyness.
Their hands linger together for a few seconds more but ultimately Lexa detaches from the contact and steps out of the throne room, keeping eye contact with Clarke the whole way.
It's not until they are separated that each of them succumbs to their own insecurities in their minds. Yet hopeful and optimistic for the night ahead; but wishing it turns out to be as special and good as it had always been, for the sake of their relationship.
Remember if you wanna chat or say hi I'm Moreorlez in tumblr and Twitter… and all social media I think lol