October 2022

"You were referred to me for treatment for anxiety and depression." The therapist, Shelly, sat down behind her desk, motioning with her head for Rose to sit on the sofa facing the desk. "Please tell me, what are you anxious and depressed about?"

Rose moved a couple of pillows aside and sat down. "I just can't stand it that I don't have grandkids, and I never will have any!" she burst out. "My sister Paula has grandkids, my best friend Hope has grandkids, my cousin Julie has grandkids, my boyfriend Dimitri has ten, and I don't even have one!"

Shelly frowned and moved her phone closer. "And this is very distressing for you."

"Well, yes! I had two kids and just assumed they would have kids of their own someday, but Noah married a woman who'd already had her tubes tied, and Tyler is autistic and almost entirely nonverbal. He'll never drive or work at a regular job, and of course he'll never marry."

"When did you find out he was autistic?"

"When he was two and a half. He had a severe language delay and we couldn't potty train him, so they ran some tests and diagnosed him with autism." Rose grimaced. "Their dad left me a few months later."

Shelly made a note in her chart. "Because of Tyler's diagnosis?"

"He said it wasn't. He'd reconnected with his old girlfriend from high school and thought he had another chance with her." Rose chuckled. "It didn't work. She wouldn't have him!"

Shelly smiled. "So did you ever remarry?"

"Not for a long, long time. You have no idea how hard it is to find someone willing to be in a relationship with a woman who has a special needs child. None of the men ever called me back after they found out about Tyler.

I was getting close to forty when I finally met Colin online. He lived in England and worked with special needs kids. I thought he was perfect!"

"So when did you finally meet him in person?"

"He came to the States to visit me the summer after we started emailing each other." Rose smiled fondly, remembering. "It was like magic! We spent three weeks together, going to the beach, to movies, dinner, dancing - everything! He got along great with the kids, too. I was tempted, so tempted..."

Shelly blinked. "To what?"

"To get careless with the birth control and just let a pregnancy happen, but in the end, I didn't. I knew it wasn't the right time."

Shelly frowned. "But you already had two kids."

"I never had a daughter. I wanted so badly for Tyler to be a girl, and not only did I not get a daughter, but I didn't even get another normal kid."

"You love Tyler less because he's autistic," Shelly observed.

"Well, no, but - see, I had this horror that something might happen to Noah. A drunk driver might hit him while he's riding his bike, and then I would have lost my only normal child."

"That would have been a horrible tragedy," Shelly commiserated. "Well, that's all the time we have for this session. I'll see you again next week."

Feeling a little bit better, Rose went back home.

"So, tell me more about Colin's visit," said Shelly at the beginning of the following week's session.

"He went back to England and started making plans to move over here. It took him a long time - he had to go through a lot of paperwork and save up a lot of money, but he finally got permission to live and work in the United States, and we got married. I got pregnant twice with him, and I lost both babies."

"I'm very sorry to hear that. Was it the reason the marriage ended?"

Rose shook her head. "That was because of his daughter Claire. She always hated me. Well, maybe not always." She sighed. "I snooped and read an email exchange between Colin and Claire. I know I shouldn't have, but I just couldn't help myself. Colin was complaining that I went shopping and forgot to buy the milk for his tea he'd asked for, but I did remember to buy myself a new outfit. This was Claire's response: 'Rose still sounds like a pain. How could she buy something for herself but forget to buy something you'd asked her for? She sure doesn't take marriage seriously!' I read that, and it made me very angry. That was when I started hating her."

"How inappropriate, that he'd share something that should be just between him and his wife, with his daughter!"

"Yeah, really!"

"You've suffered a lot of loss," Shelly observed. "Tyler's autism diagnosis, the loss of your first marriage, the two miscarriages, and the loss of your second marriage."

Rose nodded. "I have."

"But now you're with Dimitri."

"That's kind of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I'm happy and thankful to finally be loved by a man, but on the other, there are some things that are just so hard to take!"

"Such as?"

"Well, Dimitri and I actually met for the first time when we were both eighteen. We went on one date, and then he dumped me because he said he didn't think I'd sleep with him. A few months later, I met Grant. He was more patient and willing to wait until I was ready, but - well, you know how that turned out.

Anyway, I met Dimitri again thirty-eight years later, on an online dating site. He apologized for what happened all those years ago and asked me for another chance. Later, he told me he had an extra daughter he just found out about in March. She found him through 23andme. Her mom's name is Lynda. She's the one who introduced me to Dimitri. Lynda was married at the time, but her husband left her a few months later, and after that happened, she went crazy and slept with a bunch of guys. Dimitri was one of them. Well, Lynda got pregnant, but she didn't know which one of the guys was the father, until thirty-seven years later, when her daughter went on 23andme and found Dimitri."

"Wow!" said Shelly.

"Yeah! This woman, her name is Rosalyn, she has seven kids. Dimitri's grandkids!" Rose began to sob. "She should be mine and Dimitri's daughter, not Lynda and Dimitri's daughter! Then those seven grandkids would be my grandkids, too!"