Chapter 3
The day before the duel
Without knocking but wielding the most feared weapon of all time, a Death Vine heteromorph burst into the guildmaster's office with killing intent.
Touch Me and Ancient One turned around and fearfully tried to sink in their chairs.
Punitto Moe was ready to slap sense back into his friends who trembled upon seeing him angrily shaking the lethal object.
"Are the three of you out of your goddamn minds?!"
The yelling started as soon as the plant monster entered the door. That interrupted even Momonga's focused reading. The gaze of the crimson spheres focused on his sensei, the guild strategist, busy shaking his head in disbelief and disappointment. Within seconds, the three of them had been forced to their seats being all enveloped by his long, dark vines while the most dreaded item among Ainz Ooal Gown members came crushing down.
The book of shame.
For quite a while, Punitto unleashed a bitter fury, his infamous favourite volume (which included both Machiavelli's Prince and Sun Tsu's Art of War) repeatedly smacking their heads while yelling the reasons behind such rage.
"You three disappeared like ghosts! without even bothering to let me or anyone else know where the hell you had gone!"
"Can you even imagine how it felt to find out our World Champion, our Guildmaster and our librarian had decided to face a World Enemy?!"
"And without a true plan or serious backup! I can see your fucking health bars, you're on the verge of death! You ran away like noobs and miraculously made it back home!"
"What would you even say for yourselves, had the Celestial Lord of the Sixth Heaven killed the pary, sending you three back to stone age. I can already see you pestering me with plans to make you quickly gain XP! Shame on you!"
Punitto's character eyes could not express the wrath behind them, but his voice did. Just like the book itself didn't hurt their avatars in the least, but each blow made them feel ashamed.
Which meant Punitto's punishment method, developed over the years, was extremely effective.
The burning feeling of shame that got to the three guildmates was far heavier than the blows they just suffered from a World Enemy.
Momonga, Touch and Ancient risked a pleadingly peek at the snitch, just appeared next to Punitto. He was supposed to friendly spar with Touch Me in order to keep him sharp for the duel and got suspicious when finding out his training partner had disappeared together with the leader and the brains of the guild. Takemikazuchi slowly shook his head and gave them all a thumbs down.
Eventually, the chief strategist slowed and then stopped the treatment, also releasing them from the grip of his vines.
"Now that you have been punished, I believe you three owe to me, and to all of us too, an explanation. Why the hell have you been doing that for the last two hours?"
Other guildmates, attracted by the yelling, had stopped by to stare with a grin at their three friends being scolded by Punitto Moe and now stayed to listen to the story of how much had they been spanked.
It was almost impossible to read expressions on Temperance, but a vague smile appeared at the description of how the overpowered NPC mostly ignored their attacks.
Bellriver more or less raised his eyebrows while hearing the bad development of the battle they partook in, his pale face peeking by the doorframe.
Wish III silently laughed when Touch Me described how the World Enemy's strength had completely obliterated his defence, even giving a thumbs-up of approval to the far away Celestial Lord of the Sixth Heaven.
"Really? You mean to tell me that even your strongest summons did not last a minute against that monster?" Punitto asked at the end of the story.
Momonga shrugged. After all, the outcome of the fight only confirmed what they previously thought. "Well, at least now we know for sure that one World Enemy is really strong, which means this lone wolf Oshikuru is definitely not full of shit, but of deadly tricks. Most importantly, this means we must devise a plan to make sure this can at least be a fair fight. I mean, I got suspicious the instant I was told Ulbert was the one who invited Oshikuru to fight Touch and now my fears have been confirmed. I don't want to see my best friend tore to pieces!"
Punitto's root tentacle arm lashed about in thought, as he wrung his clawed hand around the beloved book. He spared a look to their own World Champion, failing to imagine a player capable of easily winning against him.
"And what world was Oshikuru he champion of?" Punitto inquired, finally relaxing as the last of his anger dissipated.
"Niflheim. Not that it matters. Lately, he's always here on Helheim. I wonder if he was actually trying to bump into Touch Me and directly challenge him…"
"Good, at least one among you has not lost all his intelligence. Just answer one more question for me before I let you go." The leaves perennially obscuring his facial features rustled with renewed agitation.
"Did anyone see you out there?"
"No, we made sure nobody was around. Besides, it's not like many people like hanging around the nest of a World Enemy… but we double-checked that no other party was in the area to attack or watch it."
Knowing that, all calmed down. Cooled off, the guild's strategist quickly went back to his true self. Planning the destruction of Nazarick's enemies was his main duty and greatest pleasure. "Alright then. Let's call everyone else and go to the meeting room asap. Ainz Ooal Gown knows no defeat, so we must make sure our best man wins this duel no matter what!"
20 hours day before the duel
Suddenly barging into the hall, the samurai crossed it with a quick step and sat down heavily in an open seat. He didn't even have to say anything: the uncharacteristically move said plenty as he did never take a seat in the game. "So? What's wrong, musclehead?"
Being one of the few girls in the guild, and a fierce one, Bukubukuchagama loved to taunt male players almost as much as she loved smacking her little pervert brother.
The full armoured samurai turned and asked her, with his face hidden behind the helm, "Why would you and the others allow that?" The tone was kind, but that was just the thinnest, superficial layer of politeness. Everyone could feel the immense irritation just beneath.
When someone like him, always composed, forcefully expresses strong emotions, there's often a gap and that makes it feel even more intense. But this was not it. Warrior Takemikazuchi was actually in a more severe mood than ever since he first lost to Touch Me.
Buku, however, whom he was hitting with a murderous look that could almost pierce the helmet, seemed to react no different than usual. "It was what the majority agreed upon! Besides, this is not your fight. You can't…"
"Why?" He cut off her sentence like as if he was wielding a blade, which he usually did. "Why did you guys, who said you didn't want him losing to that guy at all costs, didn't forbid him to accept such a fishy challenge! Soon enough, there's gonna be an official tournament for World Champions only, while this is a backyard fight where anything can happen! why give him the go-ahead in a situation like this?"
She shrugged. Behind the helmet, the warrior's expression face exploded with fury.
"Don't ignore me! Tell me why the hell would you let him go to his demise!" The room was vibrating with rage, a display of emotion quite unfitting to Takemikazuchi.
Many looked spooked by him furiously shaking his hands covered in gauntlets, their expression increasingly more worried. But Buku shrugged again, and Peroroncino wondered if his sister had a death wish. The hard, high-pitched sound of the samurai's clashing fists was not to be taken lightly.
"Just a bit ago Punitto Moe himself declared the safest choice would be for all of us to just gang upon Oshikuru as soon as he gets here. This guy is spitting on our guild's good name, he deserves nothing but to be broken and have all of his items stolen so we can get even stronger!
Then, just because Touch Me says there's no honour in this, almost everybody suddenly agrees with him to have a duel with the most dangerous player ever? This is beyond ridiculous, this is insane! When you consider what the reports said of his accomplishments, don't you think it would be wise to surround and PK him? That's what we always do, especially to human avatars! We should treat him like an evil boss and take him down all together with the NPCs too!"
The birdman was usually not the calm and serious member of the group, but he was sure Takemi would punch Buku if she shrugged again. The young man would not allow anyone to lay a finger on his sister, no matter how annoying she was to him and the others, so he quickly put an end to the farce and spoke the truth.
"If you only had stayed until the end of the meeting, you'd know we devised a perfect plan for Touch Me to win this fight."
"Seriously, Pero?"
"Aye, he won't be fighting as Touch Me, but as Ainz Ooal Gown!"
"And what the hell is that supposed to mean? Is he goona use the power of friendship?! This is not Ash in Pokemon!". He snorted thinking about at. "Explain yourself!"
"Sorry, can't tell you any more."
"I already was in no mood for a joke when I crossed that door, Peroroncino."
A cheerful and accusing girly voice resounded. "Don't blame it on us, you walking metal bin. We begged you to come back to the meeting since you're the one who should know more about this enemy than anyone else in the guild. But you stubborn fool stormed out of the door and refused to help us, so now we're not telling you anything. When the time comes, it'll be a surprise for you just like for this mysterious Oshikuru!"
"Tell me what's the damn plan now!"
When nobody answered him, Takemikazuchi snapped. "As I thought, you're naive. Making decisions based on emotions and not reason! Touch Me is the best among us and I won't allow some weirdo play a dirty trick on him, or you guys to let him down!" There was a clatter and the warrior stood.
"So, what are you going to do about it?"
The voice calling after him was truly curious.
"What all of you should. When this guy shows up, I'll have the NPCs surround him and then I'll personally finish him. Even better, I'll keep all of his items!"
"Good luck with that!"
"What is that supposed to mean, you slimy pain in the ass?"
"That's obvious, Takemi. After your outburst last night, all minions have been ordered by the Guildmaster not to exit from Nazarick until the duel is over. Also, if you try to interfere with Touch Me's duel, he swore he'd kill you!"
"You fools! This madness must stop! How will you take responsibility for this if he dies?! He's our World Champion, we'll be the laughingstock of Yggdrasil if we let him get killed on the doorstep of Nazarick!"
"He'll win."
"Where's the guarantee?!" Takemi tossed a chair. It crashed into a wall and split into a thousand splinters.
"Easy, Takemikazuchi. Believe in your friend and our plan."
The samurai did a double take and turned to face a calm but determined Momonga.
Angry at him, but not enough to actually lose his mind, the warrior returned to his chair, which creaked. After overthinking, he was still mad.
"If he gets PKed, I'll have you step down from your position as guildmaster of Ainz Ooal Gown. A true leader should protect his friends, not send them to certain defeat!"
"You would have him step fown from his position over something so stupid! Takemikazuchi, that's enough bullshit!
Tabula was shocked, but Momonga just smiled, after a bit of hesitation.
"You know what? It's fine, for I'm sure it's not going to happen. We may not know much about this Oshikuru, but all our reports confirm he never PKed his adversary in a duel. The very terms he sent us mention that, shall he kill Touch Me, be it his mistake or not, all of us are free to avenge him by all means."
"Really?"
"I see you're confused, but don't doubt my words. Also, if Touch Me comes back safe and sound, whether victorious or not, then if something like this comes up again, you have to go along with absolutely no complaining."
"Hmmm, fine. I truly hope I'm wrong, but I got a bad feeling about this. If you guys at least told me what the plan is…"
A skeletal finger of the Overlord said no. "You'll see it as it unfolds. Now, please be at ease."
"How can I, when his odds of winning are so slim?" Takemikazuchi looked truly discouraged.
"Are you saying this based on facts we're not aware of?"
"No, I've seen the same reports as you guys. The only extra thing I know about this Oshikuru is that he's fond of historical weapons and armour because he has a blog about it, but of course there's nothing about his Yggdrasil avatar on it. Besides, what fool would let some strangers know about his gear…"
"Okay. Then, based on what we know, what do you think the chances are?
Warrior Takemikazuchi immediately gave his assessment. "1 out of 10, being generous. The only way Touch Me can win is by successfully hitting him with his trump card, after chipping away a good chunk of his health. But honestly, I've never seen someone fighting as good as Oshikuru, so I highly doubt it. Either our friend gets really lucky, or it'll be not a duel, but a beat down."
Everyone shook slightly. Takemikazuchi was the greatest warrior present, so they couldn't ignore his ominous pronouncement. Still, they had devised a plan to make it a fair fight and were now sure it would be an equal battle. They kept silent though.
But Bukubukuchagama didn't. She heard and then smiled sweetly inside her slimy head.
"Oi, Takemi. Let's have a bet then. If Touch Me wins, you'll join me and Pero on our next quest and obey me no matter what until it's over!"
"And what if he loses?"
"He won't, but I'd let you bring me on a date… Let's see if you are a big, strong man IRL as well… Hahahahahaha!
"I accept, crazy girl!" Perfect, a win-win situation. Either Touch Me will emerge undefeated or I'll have a date with a voice actress as famous as she's annoying. If that happens, I can forever brag about it!