Chapter VII

(Maura)

I've cried too much in the last few days. I've thought too much. I'm tired, emotionally drained, and the long hours in the morgue, at the autopsy table and in the lab, add to my precarious state.

I went running in the park the next morning. Jane didn't show up. Nor did she come the day after or on the third day after that fateful evening. With each morning she didn't show up, I became more anxious. I called her, I sent countless messages, and yet I didn't receive any response at all.

I still don't understand what went wrong that evening. One moment we were almost as domestic as a couple in love, and the in next she was fleeing my house and hasn't contacted me since.

I miss her. Her laughter — although very rare but all the more beautiful when it happened. Her sarcastic remarks. The feel of her strong hands on my skin, on my body. Her gorgeous and intense brown eyes. I miss her voice. Her typical lavender scent. I miss the goosebumps when she kisses me.

I miss her so damn much.

"Maura? Did you hear me?"

JayJay's loud voice pulls me from my gloomy thoughts, and I look at her questioningly. Of course, I didn't hear her and have no idea what she was talking about. I try to discreetly wipe away the tear that escaped when I thought of Jane, but all I get is a sympathetic smile from JayJay.

"Maura...what's going on between you and Jane?"

If only I knew the answer to that question.

It's obviously more than friendship. But what exactly is it between us?

I'm unsure of my own feelings and therefore can't even begin to guess what's going on in Jane's mind. Yes, I've been with a few men and women over the course of my relationship career. In hindsight, I often wasn't even in love. Often, it was the feeling of wanting to belong that drove me into a relationship with the most popular boy or girl in school. Not infrequently, I was used—my money, my status, my body. Sophie was only with me because I had already had sex with women, and she hadn't. Garret was with me to show me off to his friends and family. Jenny was with me to benefit from my parents' money. Ben paid for math tutoring with sex. The list is long, and only with a few—like JayJay—I am sure the feelings were mutual.

And with Jane? What am I to Jane? And what is she to me?

xxx

It's already the seventh day I've been running alone in the park, and I've started listening to music while I run. Ever since Jane introduced me to this world, I've been a secret Techno Music fan; the music is simply perfect for running. I get into that perfect flow where I can forget my surroundings and time. Just running, no thoughts.

The light, repeated tapping on my right shoulder irritates me. I hate being interrupted. I'm not in the park to chat; my music, outfit, and speed should make that clear. Yet, there's always that one acquaintance who can't resist interrupting my routine.

Annoyed, I glance over my shoulder and nearly trip over my own legs when I see those unmistakable chocolate-brown orbs.

"Whoa, Maura, watch out!"

I actually lose my balance and fall right into her arms, from which I quickly extricate myself.

We stand there wordlessly, looking at each other.

She clears her throat. Then she says "Are you running?"

What a stupid question. I roll my eyes slightly, snort through my nose, and reply, "No, I'm looking for Santa Claus. Can't you tell?"

Without another word, I turn and continue jogging.

"I heard he doesn't exist. Rumor has it it's all just a fairy tale."

With little effort, Jane catches up to me and runs beside me, as she used to. I suppress the smile her comment elicits and keep running without acknowledging her any further.

Jane runs with me the next day, and the day after, and the day after that. On the fourth day, she apologizes without giving reasons, yet I hear a deep honesty in her voice. On the sixth day, I forgive her. From the eighth day onward, the situation noticeably relaxes.

xxx

Three weeks have passed since Jane fled my house, a little over a week since our reconciliation. Everything is almost back to normal: we chat about everything under the sun, run together, and occasionally have coffee. However, Jane hasn't set foot in my house again and has avoided any situation where we might get closer.

A bit frustrated by my lack of concentration, I finish my yoga session. I look at my phone and see a message from JayJay. We've intensified our casual friendship a bit; she caught me in the days after the unpleasant incident with Jane, and I appreciate her straightforward and direct manner, which I've always liked. I quickly type a response, confirming the breakfast date for the next day, as I undress to hop in the shower.

The doorbell rings, pulling me out of the bittersweet enjoyment of my cold shower, and I contemplate ignoring it for a moment. Sighing, I grab a towel and curse my parents' good upbringing as I rush downstairs.

"Jane?"

I open my mouth a few times to say more but close it again without uttering a sound. I probably look like a fish. A pretty speechless, stupid fish.

Her T-shirt is torn, her upper arms are red and blue on both sides, handprints clearly and distinctly visible. Her lip is cracked. Some blood trickles from the corner of her mouth. Her gaze is lowered, her curly mane hanging in her face. She's breathing heavily, and I'm sure there are dried tears.

Giving up on finding the right words, I pull her into a gentle hug before lifting her head so I can look directly into her eyes. The emotions in them almost overwhelm me. So much fear. So much shame. So much despair.

I gently push her through my living room and sit her down on a chair.

"Can I leave you alone for a minute, sweetie?"

She just nods, and I rush back to my room to put on some fresh clothes and tie my hair in a loose bun.

When I return a little later, Jane is still slumped in the chair. Silent tears roll down her cheeks, and the sight of this beautiful, crying woman in my living room nearly breaks my heart. How can he do this to her? Why can't he see how wonderful she is?

I tend to her injuries while she remains silent, and I too keep my words to a minimum. There are situations where it's best to keep quiet, and this seems to be one of them.

"Would you like a hot cup of tea, Jane?"

Again, just a nod.

Boiling the water gives me some time to calm my racing thoughts. The sight of the moonlit water in the swimming pool of my front yard has an astonishingly soothing effect on me, and I sulk for a moment in the peace I feel—even if only temporarily.

The strong arms that wrap around me and the warm body pressed against mine startle me at first, and I flinch slightly. I feel her rough lips on my neck and the moist kisses she places on every accessible spot of skin. Her hands are under my shirt on my belly, slowly moving upward.

"Jane, we should…"

She turns me around so quickly and kisses me that I can't finish the sentence. I wonder for a moment if her lips must hurt and taste the faint metallic flavor of blood.

I should pull myself together, stop her. Somewhat hesitantly, I grasp her wrists and try to push her hands away, but she's stronger, and, honestly, she feels the half-heartedness of my attempt.

"Jane, I really don't think this…"

The soft moan that follows my feeble attempt to stop her betrays my weak will once again, and I know I've essentially already lost the battle.

In one fluid, swift motion, Jane lifts me onto the kitchen counter, and I automatically wrap my legs around her hips, pulling her even closer. She smiles into the kiss I'm already about to drown in, and I'm sure she knows exactly how powerless a single touch from her makes me.

I push her shoulders a few centimeters away, my legs still wrapped around her waist. We rest, forehead to forehead, both breathing heavily.

"Jane…"

One last attempt that took all my willpower.

"Maur', please let me love you."

Her whisper is smoky, sexy, and incredibly seductive. That voice combined with the plea is my undoing.

I kiss her, more passionately than before, but always careful not to hurt her. How I've missed her hands on my body, her lips on my mouth.

Suddenly, I'm completely naked and can't remember when and how she stripped me of all my clothes. She switches between stormy, hard, and slow, gentle. She kisses and bites, scratches and caresses. I fear I might come just from her touches all over my body before she even gets close to my center.

"Jane, please."

I beg and plead, the desire almost unbearable.

She gently pushes my upper body back, and I prop myself up on my arms as she pulls my hips slightly forward. She kisses her way from my breasts to my belly and then pauses. Just the thought of what's coming makes me moan loudly.

I see her grin as she blows a warm breath against my most sensitive spot, and I moan again before she drapes my legs over her shoulders.

She kisses the inside of my knees and runs her fingernails along the outside of my thighs. Her kisses are moist and sensual, and I notice goosebumps forming. She keeps kissing her way up and pauses again.

"Please don't make me beg again, Jane. Please!"

Never before have I been so impatient, so desperate to finally be touched.

The first contact of her tongue makes me shudder, and I know it won't take long before my world explodes. She teases and provokes, while she sucks and licks. I close my eyes and let my head hang back, unable to control my body. Without warning, she penetrates me hard and deep with two fingers, and just a few thrusts later, I tumble into an intense orgasm, losing my sense of space and time for long seconds.

xxx

Lost in thought, I lie naked and curled up on my couch. I miss Jane's presence, the feeling of her warm body under mine, her strong arms encircling me, making me feel so safe like rarely before. Just a few minutes ago, the world was alright. And now I lie here. Alone again.

I shouldn't have given in to desire, but her arguments were so irrationally convincing. When we make love—though 'make love' might not be the right term—I feel so close to her, so connected. I feel like I have Jane in her purest form before me, almost without any inhibitions for a few minutes. Fiery, intense, honest.

But why did she leave again, so abruptly? One moment we're so close, and I feel like she could let herself go, as if the last stones of her thick walls have fallen, and the next moment she's cold, distant, and leaves me without a second thought in my most vulnerable moment.

I thought it meant as much to her as it does to me. That she enjoys my closeness as much as I enjoy hers. But maybe my feelings deceive me?

Because again, she left me as suddenly as she appeared. Why does she do this? Am I just a game, a distraction?

I can't understand it. I can't understand her.

xxx

"She was here yesterday, wasn't she?"

I sit on the couch, my legs pulled tightly to my body, sipping my cup of tea. JayJay's question is justified. I nod and look at her.

"Did you two…?"

I nod again.

"And she left you again?"

Ashamed, I look down. How could I have been so stupid?

"Do you want to talk about it, Maura?"

Her voice is gentle and understanding. I lean into her open arms and let myself fall into the embrace.

"No, it's okay. But thank you."

I don't want to spend another day in tears over another person. I've spent too many hours and days of my life in sorrow and disappointment over one person or another. I swore I would never allow it again. Jane has already made me break my principles too many times.

I curse myself for melting like butter in the sun in her presence.

I shake my head vigorously and resolve to focus solely on the day and JayJay today. Life must go on, and Jane won't ruin my day or weekend!