TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of inappropriate sexual behaviours between teens that could be considered sexual abuse, coercion or grooming happens within this chapter.
Chapter Thirty Nine
When Alec was sixteen, his older sister Bianca, twenty at the time, died after being thrown from her horse. The horse, Midnight, was a good natured animal and surprised everyone when he arrived back home riderless. Immediately a search was undertaken, with family members setting out on horseback to find Bianca. Unfortunately Bianca hadn't been wearing a helmet and landed head first against a rock formation. Alec was the one to find her and that moment in time remains seared in his brain, a pivotal turning point in his life.
Bianca was tough as nails, but she was fair. She always pulled Alec into line when he thought about acting like a rebellious teenager. It wasn't hard to do though, because Alec worshipped his sister. She practically raised him by proxy, with their parents so busy working the farm or arguing to pay appropriate attention. She taught him how to ride and how to pull his weight on the farm. She also taught him the importance of taking time to himself to rest and recuperate. On the weekends when their father would drink a little too much beer and get rowdy and argumentative with their mother, she would sit with Alec and they would watch old John Wayne movies together.
Her death quickly tore Alec's family apart. His father started drinking heavily every night, instead of just on weekends. He became violent in his grief and threw Alec's mother around. The one time he tried to lay a hand on Alec, he dropped his father with one punch and promised the man if he touched his mother again he would end him. His mother quickly recognised the powder keg of emotion brewing between her husband and son and made the decision to leave. She had been a city girl when she met and married Alec's father and so she returned to her roots and found a place in Glenorchy for her and Alec.
Alec finished his high school education, got a job working retail and took care of his mother while she found her feet back in the life she had abandoned. Before long his mother was thriving and acting like a parent and it gave Alec the freedom to think about his life and to plan his future. He thought long and hard about his father and vowed to be nothing like him. He wouldn't allow himself to go to excess with any vice, he would treat women with respect and his friends, well his friends would be considered valuable treasures worthy of loyalty. Most of all he wanted to ensure he could do something to stop men like his father from hurting women. With that in mind Alec applied to the Tasmanian Police Service and was accepted into the class of 2002.
At the academy Alec gravitated towards Gabby almost instantly. Truth be told, her locks of auburn hair and emerald green eyes were quite attractive to him, but it was her personality that caught his attention most. She was tough, but there was a softness there that reminded him of his sister and from that point forward he was her confidant. He learned very quickly about the secret she kept from her best friend and those at the academy. Her sexuality didn't bother him, in fact, being able to provide her a safe space to stay in contact with her love, provided him with validation. He felt like his sister would be proud of his decision to be an ally.
Of course, what he hadn't been expecting was how quickly he fell for Gabby's best friend. Rachael was something else. Similar in many ways to Gabby, but different in others. There was a distinct conservativeness that he picked up on, which helped him understand Gabby's reticence about coming clean regarding her sexuality, but he didn't think Rachael would care if she did. She was a loyal protective type, that much he gleaned quickly when she talked about her foster sibling back home. The way Rachael talked about Melissa sold him on who she was as a person. It sold him on who he would give his unwavering loyalty, love and protection to. It made life very easy for Alec.
Until it didn't.
It had been one thing carrying a secret for all these years about Rachael's life after death, but another altogether when events started converging linking back to their shared history. Helping her hide Liam's body was a no brainer because in his eyes Liam was a bad, bad man like his father. A man who had no qualms taking advantage of and violating women. He had it coming. She didn't deserve to lose everything because she had protected herself against a second attack. So he did what he had to do. No regrets.
Until now.
Jane's lashing out in anger this morning gave Alec insight into a part of Rachael that disturbed him greatly. He couldn't take Jane completely at her word, although he had zero doubts that in her mind she was speaking truth. He saw it in her eyes, she was absolutely livid. As anyone would be if they believed their significant other was molested. He just wasn't sure of the veracity of Melissa's memories. As a result, as disgusted and creeped out as he felt, he knew he needed to hear it from Rachael. One way or another he would find out the truth.
After he parted ways with Jane he sent a quick message to Oscar using the phone Rachael gave him the night Gabby nearly got herself killed. He said it was urgent that she contact him. In many ways it was, regardless of whether he felt like there was truth in what Jane was saying about Melissa, there was absolute truth in her threat to end Rachael's existence. All that was left for him to do was to wait.
Waiting around doing nothing has never been something Alec finds comfortable, so after knocking off work he stops at home to grab a change of clothes, which he stuffs into a duffle and chucks in the backseat of his vehicle. He then stops at McDonald's on his way to the southern outlet, buys something masquerading as food and sets off on the two hour journey south to Glenorchy to see his mother. He calls her once he's outside of the city limits to let her know he's coming.
The drive straight down the Midlands Highway isn't eventful. He doesn't stop at any of the towns along the way, instead opting for a direct journey. He wants to make it to his mother's before nine. The drive itself gives him a lot of time to think, but he chooses to zone out as much as possible while listening to music. He wants to talk to his mother first, because he finds her to be wise and thoughtful and right now he needs that more than anything. He needs to recalibrate. He needs to revisit his past so that he can better understand the decisions he needs to make for his future.
Alec doesn't receive a call back from Rachael by the time he arrives at his mother's house. He isn't surprised by this, as if there's one thing he knows for sure, it's that she moves at her own speed. Never forced into anything. She won't call him back until she is good and ready. It normally doesn't bother him, but tonight he finds it irksome.
His mother Lynn opens the door before he has even had a chance to grab his bag from the backseat. He offers a weary smile but keeps his voice light, "Hey Mum."
She walks down the three steps that lead to the front door and immediately engulfs him in a hug. He drops his bag at his feet and wraps her up in return. She draws back, smiles and motions him in the direction of the house. "Come inside Alec, I've put the kettle on."
It's been a few months, but she hasn't changed. Her light brown hair is slightly greying, but she remains as lithe and mobile as ever. If someone saw her on the street they wouldn't think she was nearly sixty, fifty maybe, but not sixty. He doesn't know how his mother does it, but she sure does make ageing look graceful. He sighs wistfully as she turns when she reaches the door and motions a second time for him to follow her inside.
He hasn't moved because looking at his mother is like looking at a more weathered version of what he imagines Bianca would have looked like. She looked so much like their mother and everything with Rachael has him thinking about his sister more than he'd like to. He doesn't have the good fortune of looking like his mother. He has the blonde hair and blue eyes of his father, the rugged good looks as well, but he'd settle for just fine if he didn't have to carry his father's face around with him. It makes it hard looking into the mirror sometimes.
Alec finally picks up his bag, locks his car and trudges down the path, joining his mother inside. He quickly deposits his bag in his old room before finding his way to the kitchen. He finds his mother fussing over making drinks and shoos her away, telling her to take a seat. He finishes up making the drinks, placing her mug of tea in front of her and placing his in front of the spot he sits.
"There's some apple pie in the fridge, if you're hungry." Lynn offers enthusiastically.
Alec doesn't need to be told twice, he stands right up and rummages around in the fridge, finding the pie portion already plated ready to go. He smiles to himself, appreciating his mother's forethought. He puts the pie in the microwave and quickly heats it while digging around the freezer for icecream. After dishing up a scoop of icecream he puts the container away and retakes his position opposite his mother. "Thanks Mum," he says politely, digging into the icecream first and then the pie, which smells absolutely divine.
"You're just lucky I had a feeling I ought to do some baking today." Her smile is conspiratorial as Lynn Morris is many things, but a baker is not one of those things. Now roast chicken with all the trimmings for Sunday dinner she does exceptionally well, but this pie is undoubtedly a Sara Lee pie and they both know it.
Alec chuckles and jokes, "Mmm, tastes just like the one Aunt Sara makes."
Lynn drinks her tea, watching Alec over the brim of the cup while he devours the offering. She doesn't say anything further, which doesn't surprise him. She knows this visit is unplanned and as a result she is undoubtedly studying him to figure out what it is that's going on. He just takes his time savouring the dessert and his mother's company.
When he is well and truly sated and has consumed a few mouthfuls of tea he says, "I missed you."
"I missed you too, Alec. Christmas is just around the corner though and I know you'll be here, so what's going on that's prompted this visit?"
Alec lets out a deep sigh. He hopes he doesn't upset his mother, but he can't help but want to delve into the past. "It's complicated. I was hoping I could talk to you about Dad."
Lynn's eyebrows lift in surprise, but she quickly collects herself. "What did you want to know?"
"I guess I don't know how you stayed with him so long, you know? He was always miserable and yelling."
Lynn studies Alec for a while, sipping at her tea, presumably to buy time. Finally she says, "Dale wasn't always that way. The farm was going through tough times, the stress it got to him."
"All I remember is his belligerence."
"You were young, Alec. Impressionable. The yelling didn't bother me at all because I knew the man before the yelling and I knew the man when he was done yelling. He wasn't as bad as he seemed to you kids." She smiles wistfully, clearly remembering things that she missed.
"Yeah but he hit you." Alec didn't like the way she appeared to be fondly remembering his father.
"Twice. You're right, that's unacceptable behaviour and I really hoped with some help he could get over what happened and return to something close to the man I loved. But…"
"But then he got worse."
Lynn nods. "Yeah and that was a line I wasn't willing to cross. That's the thing about love Alec, it helps you discover who you are as a person. It helps you figure out what matters to you. I already lost one child, bless her soul. I wasn't going to risk losing you to his grief."
Alec's jaw clenches. Thinking about his father laying a hand on his mother angers him in unfathomable ways. His mother's words also settle in his brain to mull over. He loves Rachael, he really does, but what is his line? So far he has entertained her emotional manipulations and absence without reaching it. He's pretty sure that if what Jane said is true, his line will be reached. How can he look at her, let alone think about her without envisioning the worst of her if it proves to be true? As it is he already has to fight back visions of what might have happened. They make him feel physically ill.
"What's going on with you sweets?"
Alec forces a smile and sighs again. He is so emotionally worn out. He doesn't have the energy to lie. "I'm trying to figure out where my line is, Mum."
Lynn simply nods. She knows about this woman that holds his heart. She doesn't really approve, because she's not with him. She's not taking care of him. She's not choosing him. He knows how his mother feels, but he also knows that she treats love as sacred. It isn't her place to push her concerns onto him if he's content with his feelings and he truly appreciates that. It makes conversations like these easier.
"She might not be who I thought she was." He admits sadly.
"Well then Alec, you need to figure out if who she actually is, is someone worthy of your love."
"Yeah, I really do."
The phone in his pocket starts ringing and he can't help but feel like the universe has a sick sense of humour. He stands and excuses himself, bringing the phone to his ear as he steps outside and walks toward the street. This is not a conversation he wants his mother hearing. "We need to talk."
"About?"
"Missy." He says so firmly that it borders on aggressive.
"Is she alright?"
He could swear she sounds concerned, but he can't help but wonder. Not knowing the truth is doing his head in. "No."
"What happened?" Rachael asks quietly.
"I dunno, precisely. That's why I needed to talk. Jane's out for your blood."
Rachael doesn't say anything. Clearly she's waiting for more information.
Alec rubs the back of his neck and looks up and down the street, it's deserted. Porch lights and street lights are on and he can vaguely hear somebody's television, which is clearly turned up too loud, floating on the wind. "She's got it in her head that you were…" he tried to think his way around a delicate explanation. Unfortunately there isn't exactly an easy way to ask the woman he loves if she molested her ex-girlfriend when they were teenagers. "She thinks you were sexually inappropriate with Missy when she was thirteen."
"Sexually inappropriate?" Rachael sounds incredulous, but there was enough of a pause between his words and her question to leave Alec feeling unsettled.
He decides to be painfully clear, "She called you a sexually abusive groomer. She's ready to put a bullet between your eyes, Rache. Tell me something is all twisted in Missy's head. Tell me there's no truth to this!"
"Where are you?" She asks, ignoring his question and the implication that Jane knows she's alive. It leaves a horrible sinking feeling in his gut.
"Glenorchy." He doesn't need to elaborate further, she knows what he means by that. He doesn't know why he is answering, it's just a sick compulsion at this point to simply ask how high when she says jump.
"When will you be home?"
"Sunday night."
"Okay. We'll talk then."
The line goes dead before he can even object. He hurls the phone into the pavement. It smashes at his feet. He feels absolutely sick to his stomach. Her complete refusal to deny the accusation is as good as an admission of guilt and he doesn't know what to do with that. He doesn't know what to do with himself.
"You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice." Monica says, fighting off exhaustion.
"Feeling is mutual babe. How were your flights?"
"They weren't too bad at all. Jet lag however, is kicking my butt. I didn't stay up late enough."
Brad chuckles. "How long have you been up?"
Monica looks at her watch, it's a little after midday. "Nine hours and I already feel wiped out."
"Just avoid any naps and after tonight I'm sure you'll be back to your usual energetic self."
Monica sits up and shifts her body so that her feet hit the ground. He doesn't need to know she was already giving in and crawling back into bed. She knows he's right though, another day and she'll be adjusted. Won't happen if she gives in now. "How's your Dad?"
"He's hanging in there. Think Mom has finally reached a place where she can treasure the extra time we have with him."
Monica lets out a sigh of relief. Brad's mother has been beside herself with grief. An absolute blubbering mess at the best of times, unable to look at her husband at the worst of times. It is something that had been taking a toll so to hear that she is finally accepting of the inevitable is wonderful news. "That's great news. Send them both my love will you?"
She can practically hear the smile in his voice when he says, "I will."
It was going to be a lazy nap so she needn't redress, however Monica does put her shoes on while she asks, "And you? How are you doing?"
"I'm hanging in there. Have you talked to Missy yet?"
"Tried this morning, apparently Kelly has her locked down, no visitors beside herself. Talk about a power trip." Monica is not enthused at all, in fact she's down right irritable thinking about it. She stayed with Kelly and Melissa a couple of times in the past few years and she liked Kelly, thought she was a wonderful stabilising influence. Now however, she's practically ready to strangle the woman.
"Damn. Kelly wielding that spousal control?"
"Yeah it seems so. This is the last thing she needs, Brad. She needs someone to talk to and I know she won't open up to Kelly after all of this nonsense."
It still blows Monica's mind that Melissa got married and never told her about it. Even though Gabby told her it was simply for legal reasons, it still feels wrong. Melissa married someone not Gabby or Jane. For years Monica was sure Melissa would end up marrying Gabby and then Jane came along. Gabby finally got the courage to pop the question and Melissa ran for the hills - or rather, Chicago. Since then Monica hasn't stopped wondering about Melissa's feelings for Jane. And Jane, just thinking about the stubborn level of denial that was there is enough to give her a migraine. Poor Maura had to endure years of that. She has to be a saint, it's the only explanation for her tolerance of such obvious feelings.
"Maybe you should see if you can catch up with Kelly and talk some sense into her. She has to know she's doing more harm than good here." Brad reasons.
Still thinking about the Jane of it all, Monica responds, "Honestly, I think she's too busy letting her jealousy of Jane get the better of her."
"That woman sure knows to leave a bunch of broken hearts in her wake, doesn't she?"
Monica stifles her laughter at Brad's very serious observation. He's very much team Maura so it doesn't surprise her one iota that he's making such thoughts known. "Yeah she has, but to be honest Brad, I think her feelings for Missy are legit. She almost took my head off when I pushed her on it last night."
"Hopefully she sticks to her choice this time."
The doorbell rings out and Monica starts making her way along the hall and down the stairs towards the front door. She has no idea who this could be. Perhaps Jane has decided she wants to go round two. "That's the door. I'll talk to you tomorrow?"
"Sounds good. Love you babe."
Monica smiles, her heart fluttering, like it does every time she hears those words from his mouth. "I love you too."
She ends the call and pockets her mobile phone. She opens the door and before fully taking in the person standing there, she says, "I thought we talked it out…"
"Hi."
Monica's entire body is inundated with conflicting emotions. Surprise. Trepidation. Happiness. Elation. Fury. So much more. It's all there and all she can do is stare. Forming actual words is a function that may require a brain reboot, because the primary experience her body is undergoing is shock.
"I've missed you."
Oh yeah, that does it. That's all it takes for one particular emotion to take over. With the fury of a woman who had to take care of her parents and her best friend, Monica draws her hand back and slaps the colour out of her sister's face. "You have some fucking nerve!"
Rachael rubs her face, grimacing. "Yeah. I had that coming."
The two sisters stand there staring at one another, neither of them speaking. Monica has to pinch herself to make sure it is in fact real and not one of the many dreams she had for years. This isn't a dream. This is reality.
"Is it really you?" Monica asks.
Rachael nods, "Yeah."
"You got a haircut?"
Rachael laughs. "Something like that."
"And look at all those wrinkles. Man, you got old." Monica says with a smirk. She knows she should be mad and maybe later she will be, but right now she's standing in front of her sister for the first time in nearly ten years.
"Stress will do that to you."
Monica can't stand it any longer, she bridges the space between them and wraps one arm over her sister's shoulder and the other under the opposite arm as she pulls her into a tight hug. "I've missed you too."
When they separate Rachael looks around before nodding towards the house and asking, "So are you going to invite me in?"
Monica steps aside and motions for Rachael to come inside. "Yeah, of course. We've got a lot to catch up on."
She leads her sister upstairs and gives her a quick tour of the house. Her body operates on automatic, while her mind finds the entire situation surreal. Years of grief for what exactly? She leads Rachael back into the open plan kitchen and living areas and encourages her to take a seat on the couch. "Thirsty?"
Rachael shakes her head, her brown eyes track every movement with laser-like precision. "Let's just talk."
Monica walks back into the living area and paces back and forth. She feels agitated. She thinks she should feel ecstatic, but her feelings keep yo-yoing between happy ones and negative ones and she knows it's because of Melissa and Jane. Jane warned her last night that her sister is not who she thinks she is. No matter how hard she needled Jane after that moment in time the woman lived up to her stubbornness and refused to elaborate. Kept saying it's Melissa's story to tell and that only invites horrid ideas into her brain. She stops pacing and looks long and hard at her sister. Of all the potential questions she has, it's her subconscious that wins when she asks, "How do you even know where I live?"
"You think just because I've been gone I haven't kept up with your life?" Rachael asks incredulously, "You're my little sister, Mon. I've kept track of you throughout the years."
Monica isn't sure if this is meant to make her feel better or worse. She shakes her head and makes her way over to a recliner. She sits at the edge of the seat and leans forward, unable to take her eyes off of her sister. Part of her still feels like this is some kind of dream that she'll wake from any minute. Her head is swimming in contradictory feelings. "So why now? You couldn't have come back for my wedding?"
"You were radiant that day, Mon." Rachael says, a soft look on her face.
"You were there?"
Rachael nods once. "I saw your vows."
"Why didn't you say something?" Monica's heart feels like it's breaking. The hardest part about her wedding day was not having her sister with her. It has been the hardest part about her last nine years, period.
"Because it was your day. I couldn't stay. So I most certainly wasn't going to make it all about me."
"Why couldn't you?"
Rachael looks off to the side towards the back patio, her jaw working overtime. Eventually she shakes her head and looks back at Monica. "Because I have a family who don't know who I am and where I come from. I have a son."
Monica feels the prick of tears in the corner of her eyes even as she covers her mouth to prevent the emotion she's feeling from escaping. Rachael has a son? She has a nephew?
"His name is Dylan and he's seven."
"And he doesn't know I exist?"
Rachael smiles regretfully and shakes her head. "No, he doesn't. I met his father when I was in witness protection. I've been living that identity ever since."
Monica stands up again and walks into the kitchen. She grabs a glass and fills it with water from the filtered jug. She takes a big gulp, mostly to buy time to process this information. It feels like a lot. It feels overwhelming. She places the glass down on the sink and presses both of her hands against the counter as she stares out the window at the neighbour's house.
Rachael presses a hand against her shoulder supportively and says, "I know it's a lot. There's some stuff I need to handle, but when it's sorted I wanna come back home, for good this time."
"As Rachael or as whoever you are right now?" Monica asks quietly, so many more questions bouncing around her brain. She wants to hear it all. She wants to know it all. She wants to find a way to understand why it has been nearly a decade. Because right now she can't. She can't understand. It's been so long.
"Natasha, that's who I am right now. But when all of this is sorted, I'll be me again. I'll be your sister." Rachael offers gently.
Monica thinks her sister's current name is pretty, but she bites her tongue because she's feeling anger swelling within again. "So what needs sorting, huh?"
"The past."
Monica immediately feels the absence of her sister's hand when she walks away, prompting her to turn around and track Rachael with her eyes. She follows her back over into the living area and sits down next to her on the couch. "Talk to me, Rache. Please."
Rachael looks away, her face screams shame and immediately Monica gets this sinking feeling in her stomach. She doesn't know why, but Jane's words come back to haunt her again. This very well might be the moment she finds out from Rachael herself what Jane was going on about.
Rachael stares across the room, clearly unable to make eye contact. "I need to make it right with Missy."
"What do you mean?" Monica asks trepidatiously, "Because you just let her think you were dead?"
It's the more palatable of the questions sitting on the edge of her tongue. So far she's learned her sister has been in witness protection. That's it. Melissa would understand that, eventually. So Monica already knows her question is redundant. She just finds herself hoping that's all there is to it.
"A little bit of that," Rachael acknowledges, "But it's more than that. This isn't easy for me to admit, but you need to hear this from me."
Monica immediately starts massaging her temple. The sinking feeling in her stomach has her in a falling elevator plummeting to the depths of Hell. She doesn't want to hear what's next. She doesn't want the things she has been imagining to be true. Not a single one of them, but at the same time she is drawn to the truth like a moth to a flame.
"Okay," Monica says dumbly.
"My feelings… my attraction to Missy, it has been around a lot longer than you are aware of." Rachael rubs the back of her head and shakes it a little, her memories appear to be taking her back to a very bad place. "At fifteen I was all hormones and stupid. I couldn't see beyond what I wanted."
"Don't," Monica whispers, really not wanting to hear any more. She's only just got her sister back. She doesn't want to lose her all over again to an ugly truth that will only separate them.
"I thought she wanted me, too." Rachael says quietly.
Monica thinks about Rachael at fifteen and then she thinks about Melissa at thirteen. They were in two completely different places. Rachael was acting all boy crazy, which clearly, was just a cover for undoubtedly confusing feelings. Melissa on the other hand didn't give a crap about any of that.
Monica stares at her sister in utter disbelief. "I remember Missy at thirteen, Rachael. She had zero fucking interest in boys or girls. All she cared about was softball. There's no way in Hell any of that was consensual."
Rachael's face loses its colour. "I mistook her trust in me as consent. I messed up so fucking bad, Mon." Rachael stands and paces over to the door to the back patio, she stares through the glass. "I realised it was wrong and I stopped the worst of it, but I never could shake my desire to hold her close. And then one day that stopped and we never talked about it again."
Monica doesn't know what to say. She feels sick to her stomach. It's a horrible thing to learn and while she tries to wrap her head around the fact her sister was only fifteen at the time, there's no denying the fact that their parents had drilled into them the importance of consent. The most uncomfortable conversation of her life was her mother talking about the birds and the bees and how as a woman she had the right to say no at any time. Was Rachael working under the assumption their mother had given Melissa the same speech? Because Monica is pretty sure that wouldn't have happened unless Melissa showed an ounce of interest in boys, which she never did.
The one thing Monica does know, is that she had been beyond fucking right when she called Rachael out the morning she 'died' about the level of fuckery taking place in her relationship with Melissa. In her mind it is a relationship that should never have happened even before she learned about this… what exactly? Sexual coercion? Grooming? Molestation?
"Mon?" Rachael sounds worried. As she should be.
Monica looks at her sister who has turned and is now looking her square on. She can't help but wonder why Rachael would own up to this now? It dawns on her that this is damage control and the only reason she would have to do damage control about this is if the only other person involved was remembering. No fucking wonder Melissa is a mess.
Oh God. Jane.
"Jane's going to kill you."
Rachael waves her off. "Jane's irrelevant. I just need to make it right with Missy."
Monica growls angrily, "You can't. You stole her fucking innocence, Rache. Do I believe you didn't know any better? Maybe. I don't know. But there's no fixing this, and now it makes so much sense to me why she's in such a bad way. She's remembering and it's doing her head in, because she loved you Rachael. She convinced herself she was in love with you."
"Oh come on Mon, I get that it was a mistake. I get that I shouldn't have, but there's only two years between us. She never once said no or asked me to stop, there's no way it was hugely life altering."
Monica's eyes grow wide in astonishment. Rachael sounds absolutely exasperated and she can't understand how on earth her sister doesn't understand the damage she caused.
Monica shakes her head and points angrily at her sister, her eyes hone in on Rachael as her voice starts getting louder with each statement that flies out of her mouth. "Can it. I don't want to hear excuses. Two years might as well have been five or ten years in that situation, because you were mentally and physically mature enough to be interested in that stuff. She fucking wasn't and you know it."
"Are you not hearing me?" Rachael snaps, "For crying out loud. She let it happen. She didn't ask me to stop."
"Because she fucking trusted you, Rachael. You were her goddamned protector." Monica is yelling, completely incensed. "How do you not see that? You had no right to even suggest anything inappropriate, let alone act on it."
"I know that. I'm saying there's no way this is as damaging as you're telling me it is. None, whatsoever." Rachael is so damn adamant with her point that it is infuriating.
Monica is absolutely seething with anger. Not just with her sister, but herself too. She should have seen what was happening. She should have put a stop to it. "Thirteen is when she changed. Do you remember that? Her depression and anxiety reared its head and from there it devolved into drinking and suicide attempts as she got older. All this time I thought it was because of her parents. But it wasn't." Monica's eyes are cold as ice when she levels her stare firmly on her sister's self righteous gaze, "This messed up person she's become, is because of you!"
Rachael's head drops and for the first time since her ridiculous attempt to defend herself Monica see's some kind of something to make her think the truth is sinking in. Her face looks pale, and her eyes haunted as she grabs at the back of her head with both hands and walks aimlessly around the living room.
"Are we okay?" Rachael sounds so broken, so damn sad.
Monica can't even begin to fathom how her sister can drop all of this in her lap after knowing she has spent the better part of a decade playing Melissa's protector and just expect them to be okay. They're not okay. They are so far from okay. "I don't even know how to look at you right now."
Rachael takes several steps forward, "Monica, please!"
Monica shakes her head. Nope. A whole world of nope. She loves her sister, she really does, but this, this is the kind of thing she doesn't know how to deal with. "All I know is if you want any hope of me being okay with this, you need to stay the fuck away from Missy. She has Jane. She doesn't need you fucking with her head any more than you already have."
"I can't do that." Rachael's voice sounds hollow and broken. "I have to make it right."
"Why?" Monica yells, "Why can't you just leave well enough alone?"
"Because I still love her, Monica. I've always loved her."
"Bullshit. This ain't love. All you've done your entire fucking life is take advantage of her, Rachael. It stops now! She has Jane. She has a fresh start. She doesn't need you. Do you understand me?"
Rachael doesn't say anything, she just stands there grinding her teeth together.
Monica stares at the self righteous defiance that has returned to her sister's face and finds herself wondering what the hell happened to her while she was gone? Because this callous woman is not her sister. This is not the Rachael she remembers. And yet, Monica knows she has to try and reason with her. She has to find a way to protect Melissa from any more emotional harm. "If any part of you really does love her… let her go. Please."
Monica watches Rachael's jaw set and eyes harden and it causes her stomach to drop. Before Rachael even opens her mouth she knows what's coming.
"I can't do that."
Rachael's words ring out, a chilling echo, as Monica presses her eyes closed and feels hot tears slide down her face. Her body flinches when she hears the front door slam and she swallows down a sob. She makes her way unsteadily to the couch and sits down.
A deep ache permeates across her chest as she reaches into her pocket and pulls out her phone. She feels her throat close up and nausea hits in waves as the tears in her eyes blur her vision. Her hand shakes as it hovers over the call button. She doesn't know how, but she feels numb, sick and distraught all at once. She feels like she is mourning the death of her sister for a second time. She struggles to steady her hand as she attempts to call Brad, but she can't quite make her finger press the button. Her hand covers her mouth as she breaks down sobbing.
Monica has no idea what to do next.
"Are you stalking me Jane?" Maura asks with a slight up curl of her lips as she approaches the startled detective, whose gaze shifts from the traffic.
Jane's attention is firmly on Maura as she climbs the steps to street level outside of the Launceston General Hospital. She taps at her nose and says, "I merely deduced that once visiting hours were over you would in fact depart from this exit."
Maura shakes her head with mirth and a twinkle in her eye. "It's such a lovely day I thought I would walk."
Jane looks at her watch and rather enthusiastically says, "Well would you look at that, it's coffee o'clock. Care to join me at the cafe down the road?"
"Sounds delightful."
The pair don't have far to go, as the cafe is across the road from the end of the block. Within a few minutes they are seated waiting on their orders. Jane a simple black coffee, and Maura her fancy fandangled beverage that Jane can never remember, which is why she always has Maura order. She did, however, give Maura cash to pay for both drinks.
Jane has a lot on her mind, namely Kelly and her continued insistence that Melissa be isolated from everyone. Monica's inquisition. The deranged psychopath that has been too quiet lately and Christmas, which is not even two weeks away. Her fingers tap absently against the table while she casts her eyes toward the counter where their drinks are being made. She's feeling antsy and has no doubt it's showing.
"Jane," Maura's voice is concerned. "What's on your mind?"
Jane swings her attention back to Maura. "There's a lot, honestly. I'd love to just have some normal problems for once, you know? Not to be stressed about…" she looks around before lowering her voice further, "serial killers."
Maura's smile is unusually devious, which gives Jane a bad, bad feeling. "After we finished talking last night I received a phone call from Angela."
For several moments Jane doesn't comprehend why that would elicit such a smile from Maura, but then her best friend hits her with the verbal gut punch.
"You haven't told her about our new relationship status, Jane. How's that for a normal problem?"
Jane groans and rolls her head limply to the side as if this is the last thing she wants to worry about. Her brain immediately starts debating what is actually worse, identifying a serial killer or facing the fallout from her mother regarding her life choices of late? Another groan escapes her lips and she rubs the side of her head. It's a very close call. "Did you happen to clear it up for me, by any chance?"
Maura chuckles before her lips draw tight and she says, "No. That's your responsibility, Jane. She's your mother."
"Uh huh," Jane says with a half laugh, "You were scared of what my mother would say, weren't you?"
"I most certainly wasn't interested in answering a hundred different questions on the topic. I made a judgement call that they are best answered by you, Jane."
"But Maaaaaaura, you know you're her favourite." Jane whines playfully, in an attempt to distract from stray thoughts reminding her that the moment she calls her mother it makes the final nail in the coffin of her romantic relationship with Maura very, very real.
"That's simply not true." Maura counters, "Besides, she is expecting us for Christmas and with everything going on here I suspect you want to stay close to home this year."
Jane smiles at the waitress who places their drinks down in front of them, waiting for her to leave before continuing their conversation. "You're not wrong. I don't want Missy to be alone for Christmas."
Naturally just thinking about that causes a scowl to cross Jane's face, as she has one very stubborn hurdle to jump before she can even think of making that happen. She has no idea how she is going to soften Kelly's stance on no visitors, but she knows she has to keep trying.
Jane lets out a heavy sigh before picking up her mug and blowing on the black coffee, which smells delicious. She savours the smell before very carefully taking a sip, and yes as she suspected it's very hot. She sits the mug back down and offers Maura a half-hearted smile. She isn't trying to bring the mood down, so looks to change the subject. "So how's Gabby?"
"She's doing really well. Apparently she's talking with one of the hospital's psychiatrists this afternoon." Maura sounds cautiously optimistic, which lifts Jane's spirits.
"Oh that's great. She definitely needs to talk to someone."
"I agree." Maura says, eyeing her in such a way as to make Jane feel nervous. "Have you considered going back into therapy to help you with the stress you're under at the moment?"
"I'm alright." Jane says, knowing that it isn't exactly truthful, but she isn't exactly falling apart at the seams anymore either. She had her meltdown, it was horrible and leaves her starting from scratch as far as her sobriety goes, but she feels more stable now that she is on even footing with Maura. The breakdown of their relationship and the subsequent disharmony between them was causing a lot more stress than she realised. Now that they are copacetic again a lot of the more unbearable weight feels like it has lifted.
"Besides, the talk we had has really helped. I don't do well when we're on shaky ground." Jane says quietly, looking over at the counter to avoid eye contact. She's gotten better over time at being emotionally open, but still struggles with feeling uncomfortable around Maura when doing so. Perhaps she needs therapy to figure that out, because being vulnerable with Melissa is second nature and not near as nerve wracking.
"Neither do I." Maura admits quietly, before shifting gears and returning them to their previous topic. "Gabby will be staying with me for a couple of weeks after she is released from hospital, as she will still be required to take it easy."
Jane grins, she can't help it. Maura is nothing if not predictable. "I'm sure she'll enjoy that."
"She will be continuing to recover from serious abdominal surgery with less pain medication than she has grown accustomed to in the hospital. I highly doubt it will be that enjoyable." Maura asserts, before noticing the smirk on Jane's face. "You're simply incorrigible."
Jane shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly as she takes a sip from her coffee, before sobering her features and more seriously asking, "Are you going to tell her how you feel?"
"We've talked about this, Jane. Multiple times now. It is not that simple."
Jane's smile is a sad one. She isn't going to push, because she respects Maura has clear boundaries on this topic and pushing will only make her dig her heels in harder. Instead she decides to embrace an uncomfortable truth and continue with her newfound path of emotional honesty. "I'm sorry, Maura. I just want you to be happy. It's hard for me to feel happy if you're not."
"While I do appreciate your honesty, Jane. My love life is no longer any of your business. If I want you to know, I'll tell you."
Maura's voice is soft and understanding, completely appreciative of her honesty, at least that's how it feels, but there's a hardness in her eyes that hits Jane where it hurts. She swallows down her pride and manages half a smile as she nods acceptance of a situation that is partially her own doing. "Fair enough," she agrees.
Maura smiles mischievously. "Besides. I think you'll have more than enough on your plate worrying about your own love life when Angela gets her hooks into you."
Jane lets out a breath she doesn't realise she has been holding. There are still some lingering nerves when things get dicey between them, but Maura moving on quickly to safer territory has settled them. "Ugh, don't remind me."
Maura is straight faced when she retorts, "Oh I will remind you. Repeatedly."
"Alright, alright!" Jane declares, bringing both of her hands up in surrender, "I'll call her tonight, it's a bit late in Boston right now."
Maura nods once. "Now that that is settled, would you like to join Gabby and I for Christmas?"
"I'm sure I'll stop by, but I dunno yet. I need to find out if Missy is still gonna be in there. If I can even see her. All of that." Jane sighs heavily, her frustration with Kelly coming back to the forefront of her brain.
"Melissa is more than welcome," Maura says genuinely.
Jane's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Their new stage of being, where there are no doubts about intentions is so new, this feels like a big step. "Are you sure?" She asks hesitantly.
"Yes. This is our new reality, Jane. She makes you happy and that is all that matters about who you choose to stand beside you. She is more than welcome."
Jane feels a comforting warmth in her chest from Maura's decision to use her words from the other night. She grins feeling a little happier, definitely more content. "If it all works out, it sounds good."
"Wonderful, it's settled." Maura says, sounding suspiciously confident.
Jane deliberately swallows down a mouthful of coffee, which is finally at a perfect temperature, to bite back her retort. She can feel it in her bones that Maura is going to do something, and while Jane hates to let anyone else fight her battles for her, at this moment in time she'll take all the help she can get. Besides, she's learned the hard way, many, many times before, that Maura almost always gets what she wants. If that means she gets to see Melissa sometime soon, she's all for it.
"How are you feeling this afternoon, Missy?"
Melissa places her card down on the roll away table and looks up at Nurse Nancy Arnold, who is standing a few steps inside the doorway. She looks apprehensive, perhaps a little worried. Melissa sighs and shakes her head, returning her gaze back to the table over the bed. She flips another card and searches to see if she can make it work.
Nancy moves closer and says, "Monica stopped by to see you this morning. I thought you'd like to know."
Melissa's eyes snap towards Nancy. "Black hair and eyes that look like they know all of your secrets?"
Nancy chuckles. "Well I don't know about the eyes, but yes."
If Monica has flown home then that means only one thing, she knows Rachael is alive. Melissa has to focus on her breathing just thinking about it. She doesn't know why it panics her so much. Yes there are memories she continues to work through with Doctor Levinson, but she doesn't think that's why. She's still only recalling flashes and the betrayal of her trust is what feels most damaging. Rachael was everything to her and she took advantage of that. Melissa doesn't know how to reconcile that with the fact she repressed it all and allowed Rachael to stay in her life. Worse than just allowing that, she allowed them to become closer and she doesn't know why.
Therein lies her reason for panic. Melissa swallows uncomfortably. If there's one benefit to Kelly's little power trip it is that she won't find herself face to face with Rachael anytime soon. She doesn't trust herself not to be manipulated. It happened enough times already when she was young and yet somehow she still ended up in the woman's arms as an adult. That thought does her head in. It makes her feel nauseous.
And Monica, how does she look at her and not see her sister in her facial features? Their bone structure is very similar, even if Rachael is a little taller and has lighter hair. For a moment Melissa wonders if that is why it was so hard to let her go all of these years? Because she would see her face, or close enough to it, when she looked at her best friend.
She's glad she couldn't see Monica today. She isn't ready for that. It's all so raw. The betrayal of trust. The emotional manipulation. Besides, how does she look at Monica and not revert back into the helpless child she was? It might take her back and she doesn't know how to explain to Monica who has just learned her sister is still alive, that said sister did some things she shouldn't have. Should she interfere in their relationship because of something that happened so long ago? She doesn't think so. It's bad enough that she finds herself questioning everything, she doesn't want Monica feeling the same way. Or worse, thinking she could have done something to stop it from happening. Because she couldn't have and it wasn't her job to know. That blame she plants squarely on her foster parents.
"Are you alright? Did you need anything?"
Nancy's voice snaps Melissa out of her thoughts. There's one thing she does need. "Nancy, would you mind just popping your head in here fairly often whenever Kelly visits. I don't trust myself to be alone around her, or anyone really, for too long."
"Of course." Nancy walks back to the door and pokes her head out, she appears to look up and down the hall before stepping back into the room and closing the door. She turns back around and pulls a mobile phone from her pocket, "Here, call Jane. I know you miss her. I don't think it's right what your wife is doing."
Melissa is surprised, this kind of thing could cost Nancy her job. However she doesn't think twice. She accepts the phone from the nurse and immediately enters Jane's number and calls her.
"Rizzoli," Jane answers, clearly not recognising the number.
"I have missed that perfect voice of yours," Melissa says, forgoing any proper greeting.
Jane's accent, which is still very strong in its Americanism, is the perfect tonic for all that ails her. She longs to be wrapped up in her arms again. The memory of their very quiet time together after the whole fiasco with Maura is still seared to the back of her eyelids when she lays down to sleep. It's the only way she can sleep. She remembers Jane's firm arm's wrapping tightly around her and the way Jane's breath tickled her neck before her lips pressed softly against the back of her head. There's a deliberate tenderness in Jane's movements when she's playing big spoon that soothes all of the doubts and fears Melissa feels. It calms her demons.
"Ditto, sweetheart." Jane rasps out.
Melissa can hear the sounds of people chatting around Jane and then she hears the sound of traffic until finally, it's just them. Well mostly just them, as the other sounds fade into the background.
"Is everything alright? I don't recognise the number you're calling from."
Melissa smiles. Naturally Jane cannot turn that beautiful brain of hers off for even one moment. "As well as can be expected. Nancy loaned me her phone. So I don't have long. It's just really good to hear your voice."
"Tell her I owe her one yeah?" Jane says, "I miss you so much, Missy. I feel so restless not being able to see you."
"Have you talked to Kelly?"
"I tried. I even thought I was getting through to her, but she snapped on me. She's really hurting, I dunno if I'm going to get anywhere with her." Jane explains.
"I haven't seen her since she stormed out of here. I really messed up not thinking to call her about Alex."
"For what it's worth I don't think she's mad at you anymore, but that doesn't mean she won't keep doing what she's doing. I can't say I even blame her, sweetheart."
Melissa sighs heavily. She feels so much regret for the way things went down. But she wouldn't change them because if there's a change, who knows what happens? Maybe she wouldn't be with Jane now and as horrible and sucky as that is for Kelly, it is the one thing, the only thing in fact, that Melissa feels sure of in life at the moment.
"I'll try talking to her, Jane. If she comes by again. Maybe she just needs to hear it from me."
"Maybe."
Melissa conjures up an image in her mind's eye of Jane leaning up against the outer wall of the cafe, having ducked around the side of the building to find a little quiet. She doesn't know if that's where Jane really is, but it brings her comfort. "I should go. I really don't want Nancy to lose her job."
"Me either. Missy?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
Melissa smiles. For the first time in days she feels something that isn't deep, dark and desperate. She doesn't know if it's the soft reverence with which Jane spoke, or if it's just her gut instinct telling her so, but it feels like something has seriously shifted. "I love you too."
There was a moment in the cafe when Jane answered her phone that Maura saw her friend's face truly relax into a genuine smile. Naturally Jane had excused herself silently, no explanation was necessary. Maura had seen that smile and that look in Jane's eyes many, many times in the past three years. The only difference at that particular moment was that it no longer felt like Jane was stabbing her violently in the chest multiple times with zero regard for her heart. There was still a twinge of sadness, no doubt, but for the most part all Maura wanted was for Jane to feel that way more often. Especially after Jane returned, along with her more solemn, stressed out demeanour. Kelly was interfering with Jane's happiness and that was quite simply unacceptable.
Maura walked with Jane back to Melissa's and while Jane asked her to stay and hang out, clearly not wanting a Saturday afternoon alone, she politely declined. She had another idea for how to spend her time and a singular focus. All it took was a quick phone call to Kelly and a guilt trip about how the woman owed her to get details of where Kelly was staying so that they could meet up. Maura packed her chequebook and made her way to the destination, determined to fix this problem of Jane's once and for all.
All of which leads her to this moment where she is being shown into a quaint single bedroom apartment at the Elphin Serviced Apartments in Newstead. Maura sits down in an uncomfortable armchair as directed and watches Kelly as she sits down on the couch across the room. Maura can't help but look around the room, assessing the accommodation.
The room is partially open plan with a kitchenette lining the wall next to the front entrance, opening up into the living area where they now sit. There's a table and chairs in the corner diagonally opposite the armchair Maura sits in and a patio through the sliding doors at the end of the room. There's an archway beside the chair she's in which opens up into a bedroom. She didn't notice the bathroom when she walked in, but there was a doorway off to the right of the entryway. The most important feature, at least, she imagines from Kelly's perspective, is the location. This apartment is a mere two blocks from the hospital that Melissa is staying in.
"This appears cosy," Maura acknowledges, deciding to open with small talk.
"It's not bad. But you're not here to discuss my accommodation." Kelly's tone is firm and to the point. "If you're here to convince me to allow Jane to see Missy, save your breath."
"I'm here to make you an offer." Maura says seriously as she pulls a cheque out of her pocket. She stands and takes the two strides to deliver it into Kelly's surprised grasp. She watches with keen fascination as Kelly's gaze drifts downward to look at the cheque and recognises the moment she comprehends the sizable number she's looking at.
Kelly's eyes are still wide when she looks back up at Maura. "What is this?"
"I would have thought that was obvious."
"That's a lot of zeroes." Kelly mutters, presumably more to herself than as a direct response.
Maura folds her hands in front of her body and looms large over Kelly. She says, "That's all yours under the proviso you rescind the no visitation order, sign a new set of divorce papers whereby you won't be taking a single cent from Melissa and disappear back home, never to bother Melissa and Jane again."
Kelly shakes her head in disbelief. "I don't want your money, Maura."
"Why not?" Maura asks, completely baffled. "You are asking for a lot from Melissa in the divorce. The number I showed you is significantly larger, it should provide you a wonderful retirement after you inevitably blow your shoulder trying to stay relevant."
Kelly looks to be completely taken aback by Maura's level of snark, but she quickly recovers and stands up. She then tears the cheque up in front of Maura, who is only mildly surprised. "You can't buy me off."
Maura's eyes narrow as she tries to figure out Kelly's angle. Surely money matters, otherwise why would she be asking for such an exorbitant amount from Melissa given their marriage was one of mere convenience. Jane's frustration over the situation when she told her about it, still rings in her ears. Kelly is fast becoming a very nasty thorn in Jane's side and Maura is tired of it. "And yet you want Melissa's money. Are you just trying to hurt her as much as possible? Is that what's happening right now?"
Kelly's nostrils flare and she growls, "I don't want her money either. That was all my Dad's doing."
"Then what do you want?" Maura asks tersely.
Kelly's entire face falls as she declares quite firmly, "My wife!"
This is the moment Maura realises she has misinterpreted Kelly's intentions and understands that no amount of money is going to make this problem go away. This situation requires empathy and a soft touch and thankfully for Maura it is bountiful because she understands precisely how Kelly feels. She has been there. They've both been in the same position, only she has managed to get past denial into acceptance. "Oh honey," she says softly.
Kelly steps around her and walks over to the glass sliding doors. She keeps her back turned, but Maura recognises the world of hurt Kelly is in. "I apologise for misreading the situation and trying to fix it with money."
Maura is all heart and softness, knowing all too well that the place Kelly is currently in mentally is the worst place. It's the place where anger mixes with denial to fuel move after move that seems like the right idea at the time, but is only making things worse. "It was wrong of me to do that," she continues softly, hoping to coax some kind of further conversation from Kelly.
"This isn't how I saw my life going," Kelly says quietly, still looking through the sliding doors. "But here we are."
"I think it's fair to say that I understand that sentiment all too well." Maura acknowledges quietly. "But there is always a choice, no matter what life throws at us."
"Choice?" Kelly scoffs, "What choice? Any choice I had was ripped from my fingertips the moment you let Jane go."
There's obvious bitterness in Kelly's tone, but Maura isn't offended. She can also feel Kelly's very real, very raw pain. She isn't immune to the same feelings, she may have reached the conclusion that fighting the inevitable is senseless, but it doesn't change the hurt. Losing Jane as a life partner hurts. Losing Jane because she continues to fight for something Jane doesn't want is incomprehensible. Acceptance has been a necessity and Maura knows the right thing to do in this situation is to encourage Kelly to reach acceptance of the circumstances too. She'll only continue to hurt awfully if she doesn't accept it.
Maura feels like the only way she can help Kelly to accept the situation is to have this conversation no matter how ugly it gets. "I'm sorry that one of the consequences of my actions is your heartache, but I didn't make my decision lightly. In fact, like you, I spent years in denial."
Kelly turns to face her and Maura sees the smearing of drying moisture where tears have been rubbed away. She sees Kelly attempt to be stoic and stand tall, but the heartache is written all over her face. It's like looking into a mirror that takes her back to the night she left Jane. She'd tried to be stoic then too, tried to hold it together and shut it all down in an attempt to dampen the severity of the pain coursing through her blood. She'd even contemplated walking it back when Jane begged her not to do it, but it was the right decision. Life has confirmed it time and time again since.
"You can't erase the hurt by clinging to a woman who doesn't love you like that." Maura says softly, "You are so much more than you're allowing yourself to be, Kelly."
"What do you even know?" Kelly spits back gruffly, "We hardly know each other, Maura."
"I know that you were an honourable woman. I know that Jane considered you to be a shining example of all that's good in a person and a friendship. I also know that that isn't who you've been since you first returned to Launceston all those weeks ago. You've let your feelings for Melissa twist you into someone you're not."
"Maybe that's just who I am now," Kelly retorts bitterly. "I am what she made me."
Maura's head cocks to the side and she purses her lips. She knows this isn't meant to be easy, but this is absurd. "Nonsense. You have gone about things in the worst of ways, but I can see your intentions quite clearly."
"What are they then, huh?" Kelly sneers, but Maura sees right through the blustery nastiness. It's nothing more than an attempt to cling to her pain like a badge of honour, which in Maura's mind is ridiculous.
Maura motions towards the couch and sits down on one end. She watches as Kelly stands with her hands on hips waiting for an answer to her question, but Maura refuses to answer. She has no intention of doing so until Kelly sits down.
Eventually Kelly relents and takes a seat at the other end of the couch. "Are you happy now?" She huffs, still maintaining a certain level of bluster.
Maura nods. "Yes I am, thank you. Now to answer your question. I genuinely believe that you want what is best for Melissa. I don't believe you are going about it the right way, but if you were doing this for yourself you'd have taken the money I offered."
For a moment Kelly's face remains hard and a little obnoxious looking until she processes what she hears and Maura knows that she's been understood when Kelly's face softens completely. Kelly nods, "She's all I'm thinking about, Maura. I should have known something was off with the way it all went down. I shouldn't have just left. I should have been here."
Fresh tears carve a trail down Kelly's face and it hurts Maura's heart. She feels for her, but she doubts Kelly's presence would have changed anything other than to make things more difficult on everyone. "I know it's difficult to hear, but Jane has been there for her the entire time. She is doing everything in her power to keep her safe."
"No!" Kelly states adamantly, "Jane isn't. She can't see beyond her own heart to realise the damage she's doing. It doesn't matter how much they think they love each other, Maura. Jane is bad for Missy. Period."
Maura sighs. She has wondered similar things in the past, but the most recent revelations have changed her mind. The intensity with which Jane is fighting for that woman and the intensity with which Melissa loves Jane, it just isn't true. "From your perspective, perhaps. I believe Jane is good for her and trust me on this, she needs Jane right now."
"She needs space to process what happened in Chicago. You weren't there. Jane wasn't there. You didn't see what I saw and that was just the aftermath. I get literal chills when I try to imagine what she lived through."
Maura is more than familiar with the horrors of a Hoyt or as it was, a Hoyt copycat crime scene. She has autopsied and been present for autopsies of victims of the violent murders. She has Jane's stories of her encounters with Hoyt, but Kelly is right. She wasn't there, so she can't really understand. One other person can, however. "Jane may not have been there in Chicago, but she has had multiple close encounters with the man the killer emulated that night. She doesn't have to imagine the horror. She's lived her own."
Kelly is looking at her, appearing dumbfounded. "Why do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Defend Jane. She made a fool of you, Maura. She asked you to be her wife, all the while she was pining for another woman."
Maura takes several deep breaths. She needs to remain even keeled, as she realises Kelly isn't trying to incite anything here, she genuinely feels this way. She genuinely believes it. She is genuinely perplexed. "Because she didn't make a fool of me, Kelly. I made a fool of myself. I duped myself into believing that what we had was kismet. I ignored all the signs that Jane was struggling, that she was missing something in her life until it was too late and then I was selfish. Jane is far too stubborn, loyal and emotionally obtuse to have deliberately deceived me in any way whatsoever."
"And yet knowing all that and having experienced the red hot blade of betrayal, you still show up here trying to buy her happiness. I don't understand that. I really don't." Kelly's voice is firm, but soft.
Kelly's eyes burn with an intensity that almost causes Maura to look away, but she doesn't. She meets the gaze with a firm one of her own when she quietly declares, "You're right. I have felt betrayed during this entire process, but those are my feelings and not a reflection of reality. Jane didn't betray me. In many ways I betrayed her trust in me by not talking to her about her feelings sooner."
Kelly manages a half sarcastic laugh, which fades into a heavy sigh. "Not long after I first arrived, before Missy and I got back together, there was a moment where Missy was leaving the house to get food with a goal of getting me and Jane to stop butting heads. You should have seen the way she looked at her…"
Maura lazily waves Kelly off, "I'm more than aware of the way Jane looks and has always looked at her."
"Precisely. So don't tell me she didn't betray you."
Maura finds it absolutely fascinating that Kelly's sole focus in this whole situation is on Jane. On one hand it makes sense given there was once a strong friendship there until the inevitable butting of heads over a shared love. Yet, it feels more like Kelly is just refusing to acknowledge the truth, she isn't the one for Melissa. She's clinging to her anger with Jane so as not to feel her own betrayal. Behaviour she understands too well, because she herself became very anti Melissa during her relationship issues with Gabby because just thinking about her reminded her of the way Jane would look at her.
"I know you're hurting, but blaming Jane for all of this isn't going to make it any better. Did Jane betray your friendship? Absolutely. But it doesn't change the fact that they're in love, Kelly and if you truly want to do what's best for Melissa, you will rescind the no visitation rule."
Kelly shakes her head. "No. I'll be the damn bad guy if I have to. This isn't about my broken heart or payback, this is about love. I love her, Maura. With everything I am and I know that means I'll have to divorce her and let her go, but right now I need to do what's best for her."
"I get that," Maura says before attempting to pivot and find another angle to help Kelly see reason. "Has Melissa talked to you about what's going on at all?"
"I tried talking to her, but then she told me about Alexis and I got angry that she didn't tell me sooner. Why? What's that got to do with anything?"
There's a truth that Maura won't tell, but there's another truth she can tell and by her count this makes it the fourth person she has broken this news to. Actions have consequences and she suspects the ramifications of opening her mouth despite Alec's request to keep quiet will haunt her for years to come. "How much do you know about Rachael?"
Kelly scratches behind her ear and looks puzzled. Finally she says, "I know that Missy has struggled to understand why she cheated with her in the first place. I know that she struggles with feelings of guilt and responsibility over what happened to her that day."
Maura nods, appreciative that Kelly does know a lot, which speaks to the depth of the relationship Melissa did share with her. "Well she isn't dead."
Kelly's face is the perfect picture of jaw dropping shock. She opens her mouth to speak multiple times but closes it when she can't find any words.
"As you can imagine, it's a lot. Melissa has only recently learned of this. It's one of the reasons her mental health has deteriorated. Jane isn't the cause of her issues. She is, quite honestly, the only thing holding that poor woman together." Maura explains, taking advantage of Kelly's brain being a little frazzled.
"That's…"
"Yes."
"Wow."
"So do you think you could consider at least talking to Melissa and really listening to what she's telling you and then consider the effectiveness of how you're approaching all of this?" Maura asks, hoping that by still leaving all of the power in Kelly's hands she might feel more likely to cooperate. "Besides," she adds, "If they're as bad for each other as you believe, when this all goes pear shaped you can swoop in and pick up the pieces."
Kelly nods slowly, as if her brain is still processing the enormity of Rachael being alive. It's a much more silent and less visceral reaction than Jane had, about right on par with Monica's reaction though. Maura's body shudders when her mind thinks about Melissa's reaction to the news and it reminds her of why she is so desperate to make it right.
Finally Kelly's eyes narrow, as they've clearly come back to life. "Is that what you're doing, just biding your time?"
Maura sighs. If only. "I'm afraid I've put my foot in it one too many times. If they crash and burn, Jane's probably going to blame me. There will be nothing to salvage."
"So what? You're just doing this out of the kindness of your heart?"
This is an opening Maura cannot pass up. A way to use the truth to her advantage. "Yes, because I love her and I want her to be happy. I used to think it had to be with me for it to even be possible, but that was pure selfishness. I see life in her eyes I haven't seen in years when she talks about Melissa. The simple truth is, I would do anything for her. Even if that means being nothing more than the best friend she'll ever have."
Kelly's eyes flicker with annoyance. "It's ridiculous. Why does she get everything huh? My wife and your friendship. Charmed life, for sure."
Maura shrugs. She doesn't have an answer for that one. "Perhaps that's because she has learned a lesson we both would do well to learn. She stopped trying to bend life to her will and let it take her where it wanted to. She'd be the first to admit it's not been the easiest path, but I also know she walks it willingly."
"So what, I should just give up and move on?"
Maura quite bluntly says, "Yes."
"And are you going to take your own advice on the subject?"
Maura takes a moment to think about it. She can hold on hoping something might change, but it wouldn't be the same. No, she needs to move on. She needs to move forward and let life carry her wherever it deems fit. "Yes."
"Okay then," Kelly says cautiously, apparently still studying her to see if she's being truthful. "I'll think about it."
Maura's smile could light up the entire city with how radiant it is. "That's all I ask, thank you."
"You're home earlier than I expected."
Alec drops his duffle bag at his feet and stares at his unexpected house guest with a look that would kill, if looks could do precisely that. His voice is hard when he says, "You really need to stop letting yourself in like you own the place."
Rachael stands up from the couch and smiles devilishly, "Then perhaps you ought to up your security."
Alec continues to stand in the doorway between the hall and the living room. He is reluctant to get any closer, because right now he doesn't know how to feel. His heart and head are at war with one another and his trip south didn't help him find any clarity. He had intended to go see his father, get some closure there, but he only made it as far as the front gate before being overwhelmed with the desire to retreat. So he did precisely that. It's why he is home late in the afternoon instead of late evening.
"How long have you been waiting?" He finally grinds out between clenched teeth, choosing to ignore her remark. He knows that no matter his level of security she has the ability or the connections to find a way around it.
"I was here when I called you Friday night." She closes the distance between them and lifts her eyes to meet his steely gaze. "When Oscar told me about your message I got the first flight out."
"I thought you had a case."
"Informant turned up dead. Have to find a new approach." Rachael answers, studying him closely. "But that's not what you really want to talk about."
It feels surreal to have her standing there in front of him, having jumped on a plane just because he sent one single message. It's the kind of loyalty he always longed for from her, but he suspects it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with Melissa. "No, it isn't."
Her eyes shift to a point past his shoulder and he senses a complete change in her attitude. She's no longer brash and confident. She looks like she's in a world of pain and part of him thinks she deserves it, but the bigger part of him that still loves her hurts right along with her. He just wants to sweep her up into his arms and forget everything he heard, but he can't. He needs to know the truth.
"What happened?" Alec asks quietly.
The room is eerily silent for quite a while before she finally looks back at him and says, "Does it matter? You've already decided I'm guilty."
Alec swallows nervously, because she isn't wrong. He has taken Jane at her word despite trying desperately to give Rachael the benefit of the doubt. He hangs his head and shakes it, feeling guilt surge through his body. This is the woman he loves and out of bitterness he has allowed himself to jump to conclusions. He has shown no loyalty, whatsoever. He sighs heavily and admits, "You're right, I have. I'm sorry."
She looks at him for a long time with sadness in her eyes before blinking and looking away, when she looks back she's haunted. She's tear stricken. "Don't apologise, I deserve it."
He doesn't want to keep making the same mistake, so he turns her, slides an arm around her back and guides her to the couch, encouraging her to sit down and then he sits down next to her. He shifts his weight so that he's looking at her and takes her hands in his. "I'm listening."
She drops her eyes, he follows her gaze, it's on their hands. She quietly says, "I did things I shouldn't have."
Alec can feel his stomach turn when his mind immediately jumps to the worst conclusions. He pushes them away. For all he knows, as he knows very little right now, she's beating herself up over something that isn't near as bad as he's imagining. At least that's what he hopes.
"I was fifteen and stupid. I thought it was consensual, but even if it was, what choice did she really have?"
He studies her eyes for a long time, not saying anything. He remembers what it was like being fifteen with hormones running wild. He'd hate to be held accountable for what he did at fifteen, but then again, he only hung out with people his own age or older. He doesn't say anything, he just rubs his thumbs across the back of her hands in an attempt to convey he isn't leaping to conclusions.
"I didn't understand the power I had over her, Alec. I swear to God." Tears trickle down her face and the haunted look in her eyes only becomes more harrowing, "For so long I tried to deny my feelings for her. I felt like she had all the power over me. Growing up in that house… I couldn't… I didn't…"
Alec can't take it any longer. He sweeps Rachael into his arms and cradles her there, rocking her back and forth. He remembers the long talks about her father. He's staunchly Catholic and the poster child for the worst bigotry found in religion. He whispers, "You couldn't talk about it. You couldn't seek guidance. I understand now."
Rachael shifts so that she is straddling his lap with one arm around his neck while the other brushes through his hair, stopping to ruffle it a little. She then brings her forehead to rest against his and very quietly admits, "I hurt her."
"I know," he says just as quietly, his hands resting on her hips.
"I didn't mean to."
"I know."
"I told Monica."
"How'd that go?" He asks, surprised by how steady his voice is. Their position is intimate and normally he would fight against it, but Rachael is finally acting like the woman he fell in love with. She's being vulnerable, she's letting him see the dark underbelly and she's trusting him. It feels different. It feels like it did back at the academy.
"Not well," Rachael admits as she pulls her hand from his hair and places it against his cheek, gently stroking the skin beneath her thumb. "She told me to stay away from Missy."
He's inclined to agree, but he tries to come at it tactfully. "Well, just imagine how you'd feel if the roles were reversed. Would you want her anywhere near Missy?"
Rachael sighs softly, "No, I guess not."
"Give her time to get over the shock of it."
"Alec?"
"Yeah?"
"I want to come home."
He smiles. He can't help it. He'd kiss her right now if he thought she wanted it, but there's a good chance she doesn't. Then he remembers the Jane of it all. He sighs and gently pushes her away just enough so that they can make eye contact because he needs her to be very clear on what he is about to say. "If you do, you need to stay far away from Missy, or Jane will kill you. She isn't in a position to understand what really happened. She will only ever see the damage it caused."
"I can handle Jane." She says softly, "But I'm not coming home for Missy, Alec."
He feels his heart beat a little harder in his chest, but he dare not hope. He dare not believe. He can't take it if he is wrong. It's best not to hope at all.
Rachael strokes his face with both hands as she looks into his eyes and says, "When we talked Friday night I honestly thought I was going to lose you to a mistake I made as a teenager. It sent me into a tailspin."
"You haven't lost me," Alec whispers almost reverently, finding himself completely lost in her eyes.
"Good," she says as she leans in, "Because I'm coming home to you."
Alec meets her lips with urgency and immediately adjusts his grip so he can stand and lift her up. Her legs wrap around his waist as he blindly carries her toward the bedroom. He eventually sits her down on the edge of the bed and breathlessly states, "Damn, I've missed you."
Rachael grabs a hold of his belt buckle and pulls him between her legs. She lifts his shirt and presses her lips repeatedly against his abdomen. She pauses long enough to look up at him seductively. "Show me how much."
A/N: I appreciate all of you are who are hanging in there for this absolutely glacial slow burn that hasn't even really started sparking yet. I hope you are finding enjoyment in the soaptastic nature of the journey though, as I am really enjoying writing it for you.
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts, it is really encouraging for me.
Alright, Rachael has some explaining to do... did she just pull the wool over Alec's eyes, or did Monica's words have time to sink in and change her attitude about the past? Also, do you think Maura's attempt to help Jane will end well?