Buried in Broken Dreams
A/N: Remember back in Season 11 when Bensler was fun and exciting and the bread-cumb-scenes had us swooning? Well, let's go back. This second part of the chapter is set directly after 11x01 and will follow the story of the show to a point.
This is a very dark story. Mentioned topics include: sexual abuse, violence, strong language and depression. It's E/O and I can promise you this is a long haul slow-burn story :D it's going to be at least 20 chapters. Enjoy!
We are buried in broken dreams.
We are knee-deep without a plea.
I don't want to know what it's like to live without you,
Don't want to know the other side
of a world without you.
"The Other Side" - Ruelle [Rival]
The icy rain beat heavily down on her, but she didn't care. It was the kind of weather romantics would label snow, realists would call it rain. She could barely feel the cold water drenching her to the bone. This sudden rain in March was cruel and she briefly wondered when she had started feeling numb.
She hadn't been to his house before. There had never been any reason to. But now she almost beat the door down.
A different man opened the door. He was small with a friendly face. He was dressed with a long coat and looked ready to go out.
"Hello!" He smiled and his smile broke her.
She couldn't breathe, she felt like sobbing.
"Are you ok?"
She was so far from of the vicinity of ok that she couldn't reply.
"Who is it?" Another man showed up beside the friendly man. "Olivia?" His face fell as he saw her and what she recognized in his face expression made her feel colder than the rain ever could have.
It was fear.
"Go ahead." He said to the other man. "I'll be right there."
Olivia was shaking, she didn't know what to do.
"Come inside." George Huang stepped back, letting her inside. It was warmer here and the gentle glow of lamps made her feel safer.
"Are you hurt?" He asked her in a soothing voice, the voice she had come for. The reason she had sought him out in the first place.
"Cragen took my badge and shield." Tears threatened to escape from her eyes.
"I heard." He stepped back now. Dr. Huang put his hand on the small of her back and led her to a sofa, so she could sit down."What happened, Olivia?"
"I punched Alex Cabot and...and I tried to strangle her..."
She could remember Alex gasping for breath, Cragen screaming at her to let go, Fins hands on her arms pulling her off the ADA.
"Yeah, I heard about that too."
"I was really angry."
He reached beside him with slow, deliberate movements and draped a blanket around her shaking shoulders. "Would you like to tell me why you were so angry?"
She held onto the soft material and sobbed a quiet sob, laughing at the same time.
"I wouldn't know where to start."
"Just start at the beginning." Dr. Huang said gently. "When did it start?"
Chapter 1: In the Night Hours
Come to me
In the night hours
I will wait for you
And I can't sleep
'Cause thoughts devour
Thoughts of you consume.
"War of Hearts" - Ruelle [Up in Flames]
The beginning had always been a difficult topic. There wasn't this one moment, this one incident that could be considered a starting point.
I had always been in love with Elliot Stabler.
I was part of the job description. The pain, the tension between us, the arguments we had, the intensity of the way we worked...it was just the way my life was.
I was so in love with him I didn't care that he was married. I didn't care we wouldn't ever be together properly. I just wanted him in my life.
At first.
The beginning was probably the first night Elliot had come over. It had been a late warm June night. He had just found out that Victor Tate was not getting out of prison. He had just realized that an inncocent man was in prison because of him.
I was in my sweatpants and a tanktop, watching Tv and trying to relax with a glass of wine. The case stuck with me.
The sheer arrogance of Malcom Foster.
The absolute terror of his victim.
A part of me wished there was a switch I could use to turn of those emotions.
It was one of the nights I would be spending on the sofa with the TV.
Just as I was beginning to doze off there was a loud banging noise at my door and then a voice yelled:
"Ow! Stupid door!"
I staggered to her feet, as the man outside began pounding against the door, "Helloooo?! Liv? I think your door is broken!"
"Elliot?" Hearing his voice alerted me immediately, filling me with a sense of hope.
I swung the door open.
There he stood, his cheeks were flushed, his blue shirt wasn't buttoned up correctly, his reeked of alcohol and had a bump on his head.
"Hello."
"Elliot what on earth are you doing here?"
"Your door wouldn't open. I think there's something wrong with it."
I reached up to touch his head and he didn't back away. "Did you walk against the door?"
"It's not my fault it's broken." He stepped past me into the apartment and collapsed down on my couch.
"Did you have a fight with Kathy?" I asked sitting down beside him.
"Don't want to talk about it." He shrugged out of his jacket or at least he tried to, moving his shoulders up and down awkwardly, before he looked up at me helplessly.
I reached out to help him out of his jacket. It was a fantasy I'd had more than once. Him showing up at my door after hours, we'd sit on the couch. One thing would lead to another...
"Can I sleep on your couch? I'm..." Elliot dropped his gaze. "...a bit drunk and don't want to drive home."
El wasn't a bit a drunk. He was wasted. I had never seen him like this in our 11-year-partnership.
"Sure." I stood up to get him a blanket and a pillow, when I returned he had tipped over to the side, but his legs were still on the floor.
"El." I shook him slightly. "Get up, if you fall asleep in this position you'll be in a lot of pain tomorrow."
"Pain's no good." He muttered as he sat up.
"No, it's not. Come on." I put a pillow under his head and took of his shoes.
"Liv."
"Yeah?"
"I really messed up."
"Oh El." I whispered, running my hand over his forehead. "These things happen, you can't blame yourself for what happened with Victor Tate."
He scoffed and tried to sit up. I helped him and when he leaned against me I closed my eyes for the briefest moment.
"Let me get you some coffee, ok?"
"Hmm." He groaned, putting his face his his hands.
I tore herself away from him. As soon as I was in the kitchen, I turned on the coffee machine and fired off a text to Kathy Stabler.
Elliot's with me. He's drunk but he's ok.
I sent this text message for myself as much as for my partner. It was a protection for me to keep him at a distance.
I prepared the coffee just the way he liked it and got myself a glass of water. Just as I returned to the living room my phone pinged with a message from Elliot's wife.
Good for him.
I returned to my partner he was in a sitting position and I handed him the coffee.
"Thanks, Liv."
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked gently.
He sighed deeply and although my question had been quite vague he knew what I was asking.
"I went to a bar." He said. "And then Kathy called and we got right into it, she said Dickie got into trouble at school and that was my fault because I wasn't around..." He sighed deeply and gripped the coffee mug. I draped the blanket around his shoulders gently. "I just got drunk."
"I understand." I whispered. I knew the guilt he was burdening himself with, knew how much being blamed for something else would push him over the edge. "Do you know what happened with Dickie?"
"He's seventeen." Elliot sighed. "He got into a small fight at school, something about a girl...I don't know."
He drank a sip of his coffee.
"It's not your fault." It was almost an automatic reflex to defend him. "You know that."
Elliot didn't reply and my heart went out to him. He didn't deserve this.
"I told Kathy where you are." I stood up from the couch. He was drunk and I wasn't sober. I had to keep him at distance. "So she doesn't worry."
"Liv." He whispered. "I don't deserve you."
I ignored the way my heart was beating in my chest, the butterflies that were flying like crazy in my stomach.
"We're partners." I smiled at him. "For better or worse."
Please review and tell me what you think!