Dr. Huang had made some tea.

The warm liquid felt good, sliding down her throat and settling in her stomach. She felt warm inside and out and the aching loneliness inside her that usually threatened to tear her apart was merely a throbbing in her chest.

"Did the drinking bother you?"

She gripped the steaming mug hard as if she were trying to hold on to it.

"Sometimes." She admitted. "But I drank with him. He wasn't drunk when we talked about Sonja and my mother."

"You appreciated that?"

She nodded.

"It was like he could read my mind. Like we were soul mates."

"Because he understood you?"

Olivia looked at Dr. Huang with an empty expression.

"Because he knew exactly what to say."

Chapter 3: Ruin Myself

And you know damn well

for you

I would ruin myself.

A million little times.

"Illicit Affairs" - Taylor Swift. [Foklore]

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine."

"That was quite a case, Liv." Elliot leaned back against the cushion of the sofa. "You were held at gun point."

And seconds after the shot had fallen I had been lying in his arms. I remembered it, played it over and over again in my mind, how he had cradled me against him. How I had gone from fear of death to absolute security within seconds.

"I'm fine." I repeated, drinking my beer quickly.

The way he had regularly put himself between me and Agent Porter. The way he had asked, are you with me?

Where else would I have been? If not with him? Didn't he know that I would do basically everything for him?

Elliot's obsession, they way he didn't want to share me with anyone else. It should have bothered me, but I loved it. He didn't even want Porter driving me home.

I was his partner, for better for worse.

Porter and I had been flirting and I wanted to know if it bothered him. But these weren't questions I could ask him directly. It was line neither of us were willing to cross.

He's married, he's married, he's married...

It was a chorus that used to play only when I was trying to sleep at night. Now I had to tell myself this truth during the long car rides, the coffee-breaks, the evenings we spent on my sofa.

Did it bother you? I wanted to ask him. Having Porter on my couch, the exact spot you're always in? Knowing I was with him? Knowing I was kissing him? While you sat in my bedroom?

I drank my beer to keep my questions in bay.

He's married, he's married, he's married...

"I heard your conversation with Porter." Elliot said and my head shot up. "You asked him why he didn't trust you and he said your feelings don't matter."

I was stunned.

It was one of the rare moments I'd been vulnerable in front of someone else and I hadn't expected anyone else to be privy to it, especially not Elliot.

"He's a prick." Elliot drank his beer. "And you deserve better."

Like you? I wanted to ask him. Do I deserve someone like you?

"Thanks El." Play it off, I told myself, change the topic. "So on a scale from 1-10 how angry are you at Cragen for making us drop the case?"

"15." He muttered and I laughed.

"Me too."

"About 25 with Porter though." He put his empty bottle down on the table. It was his second one. "He's so sleazy."

Again you're talking about Porter. I thought. You're the one who brought him up.

"I still have some wine." I said standing up, swaying slightly. "You staying the night?"

"Definitely." He yawned, reaching for the pillow he usually slept on.

I loved how comfortable he was here. I loved that this was his place he came to crash.

I loved it so much it didn't matter how badly it ruined me.

"Olivia." Dr. Huang said gently. "How was your case load during these times?"

"A lot." She whispered. "It was bad."

"Worse than ever before?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

She groaned, leaning forward, setting the tea down. She wasn't ready to go there.

"What happened when Alex Calbot came back?"

Olivia closed her eyes, willing her tears back. She didn't want to cry in front of him.

"Everything went to hell" She muttered. "It's all her fault."

"I'm sorry." I said again. "I jumped the gun."

"I'm sorry too." Alex said earnestly and lifted her own glass. "There was something Sonja said to me that stuck with me."

I looked at her expectantly. "Benson and Stabler, they're good cops but their loyalty is towards each other not you."

"That's not true."

Alex smiled. "It is to a certain extend, but I'm glad you set me straight about Nikkis trial."

I didn't respond.

"So." Alex grinned. "Come on, spill what's new?"

I sighed deeply, looking down at my cocktail.

"Well, loosing Sonja like that was a real–"

"Liv." Alex interrupted. "Cut the crap. I want to know about your love life. Come on, give me something."

"I kissed Dean Porter while undercover." I said and she laughed.

"Yes! What else?"

"What do you mean what else?" I had to laugh too, hoping she wouldn't see right through me. I had been holding back."You know how busy I am. I don't have time for a love life."

"Olivia, come on. You're in the greatest city in the world, you're sexy, you're not taken..." Her eyes bulged behind her glasses. "Wait, what was that? You just totally reacted to me saying you're not taken, ha!"

"I did not. And I don't like this line of questioning."

It was hard not to react. I wasn't taken technically. But whenever I thought about being with someone else I thought about Elliot.

He's married, he's married, he's married...

I felt like I was taken sometimes.

"And how's Elliot?"

"Good." I said and heard my own voice lift up.

"Things ok with him at home?"

I drank my cocktail.

Ever Sleep with your partner, detective?

Watching Kathy Stabler barge into the squad room like an avenging angel to stand between Elliot and her son had given me the worst form of reality checks.

"Yeah, they're fine."

Elliot hadn't slept at my apartment for a while.

"I may have slept with a guy." I said and her mouth popped open.

"Who?! When?"

I sighed. "You're not going to like this."

She leaned forward gripping the table. "Who?!"

"Liam Black."

"What?! He was looking in on us." I jumped at her loud voice. "Liv, are you kidding me?! You're fraternizing with the enemy! How did this happen?"

"We were in the elevator together and then we started flirting and you know..."

"I don't know actually." She laughed. "Tell me more."

I rolled my eyes.

"We were in the elevator." I emphasized it dramatically and Alex laughed. "He said hey I said hey and then we went for a drink and he took me home."

Alex sighed longingly. "He's not my type, but I'm jealous of your spontaneous adventure." She grinned. "How was it?"

I drained my drink and wanted to order another.

My obsession with Elliot was becoming too much, because there was only one answer on my mind and I tried to drown it out with alcohol.

It wasn't him.

"It was...good." I said and the lie was so weak that Alex laughed out loud.

"Oh Liv." She chuckled. "I'm sorry."

I coughed, I had been feeling a cold coming on, but I hadn't wanted to cancel on Alex. It was unhealthy to limit my social interactions to Eliot, I knew that. I was trying. I wanted to take on hobby's that had nothing to do with him, I wanted to go running in central park...

I was trying.

"I also slept with Ash Ramsay."

Alex almost choked on her cocktail. "You've been busy Olivia!"

I blushed but I knew that Alex would never judge me. She thought I was just enjoying the single life. But the truth was I was trying to find a way to compensate my ever growing feelings for Elliot. Not that I would ever tell anyone that.

"Well Ramsay was hot, I'll give you that."

The detective had been nice too. He'd offered to take me for breakfast the next morning, asked if we could meet again.

I almost felt bad for kicking him to the curb.

I coughed again and Alex frowned.

"Are you ok?"

"It's just a cold." I muttered.

"Alex! Hi!"

I didn't look up.

It happened regularly that people came up to Alex, while we were out. Every lawyer in New York seemed to know one another and it didn't seem to matter how much time had passed since they'd last seen each other.

"Devon, hi." Alex smiled and actually flicked her hair back. "Olivia this is Devon Collins, he and I went to law school together."

He was handsome in an obvious, polished way. Disheveled blonde hair, a suble of a beard and blue eyes.

"This is Detective Benson." She introduced me. "She and I work at SVU together."

"Nice to meet you."

They chit-chatted, have you heard the latest news of someone from law school...

When he left Alex said: "If you're already on a roll, you should hook up with him, I can guarantee he won't disappoint."

I laughed because it was clear that she was speaking from experience. Talking to Alex about my love life was easy, because she wasn't judgemental.

"He's not my type." I said, because there was something about his polished demeaner that made me feel uncomfortable.

"Oh really." Alex grinned raising her glass. "What exactly is your type, Olivia Benson?"

Married, apparently. I thought as I set my glass to my lips. Loyal, strong, authentic, passionate about protecting people who need protecting.

And fucking blue-eyed.

I should have gone home.

"Let's order another round." I said instead of answering her question. "It's on me."

"This has been going on quite a while." Dr. Huang noticed. "That first case you described with Victor Tate, that was in June correct?"

Olivia nodded. She remembered the hot summer sun, wearing sunglasses and just enjoying the warm weather as much as she could.

"Things went back to normal with him and Kathy." She said. "They got along better, he mended his relationship with Dickie, he spent Christmas with his family. Things were looking up"

"For him." The agent said gently though firmly. "Not for you."

"No." She whispered, clutching the blanket he had draped around her shoulders when she'd first come in.

"You had several sexual encounters to distract from him?"

Tears burned in her eyes as she nodded.

"That's not uncommon, Olivia and it is nothing to be ashamed of. He led you on, he– "

"Don't." She interrupted softly, she couldn't hear it. "Please, Elliot did nothing wrong." She took a shaky breath. "There's so much you don't know. So much that happened between us..."

"Then tell me." Wuang guided her gently. "You blamed Alex for something, you said everything was her fault."

Her stomach cramped at the mention of Alex Cabot. She hated her with such a passionate force it took her breath away momentarily.

"Everything is so messed up." She sobbed. "I don't know how to..."

"How did it continue with you and Elliot?"

The mention of her former partner's name had the opposite effect. It calmed her down, it brought her back to earth, she could breathe again.

"I got sick and he came by." The memory of him checking up on her, of being so at home in her apartment made her smile. It was a smile Huang returned. "He checked in on me, he got me out of prison, all without a question."

Elliot's hand on her forehead, covering her with the blanket he had once used.

"But he stopped coming by?"

She nodded. After all, Kathy let him sleep in their bed again. He didn't need to be on Olivia's couch any longer.

"You said the affair became physical at some point?"

The former detective nodded. "Yes."

"Tell me about that." Wuang prodded gently. "You were both meticulous about your boundaries. What pushed you over the line?"

Olivia faltered. Thinking about it hurt so much. Saying the name of the perv out loud made her feel sick. But she managed to do it.

"Lewis." She whispered. "It was William Lewis."

Hi everyone! Today isn't Monday, but I can't upload on Monday so here you go :) Please tell me what you think!