Daria is the creation of Glenn Eichler and is the property of MTV Viacom. Harry Potter is the creation of JK Rowling and is the property of JK Rowling, Warner Brothers, and Wizarding World. I own neither, and neither expect nor deserve financial compensation for this story. I am writing for my own amusement and for ego gratification.
Harry Potter has been placed with different blood relatives instead of with Petunia Dursley: the Morgendorffers from MTV's Daria.
Harry Potter Morgendorffer*Harry Potter Morgendorffer*Harry Potter Morgendorffer
Professor Dumbledore emerged from the Gringotts' fireplace and saw that there was a small reception committee waiting for him: Madam Morgendorffer, Harry Potter, several goblins, and to his surprise, a young witch named Priscilla Goodwin whom he knew to be an aide to Minister Bagnold. He glanced at Madam Morgendorffer and found her mindset disturbing: gone was the uncertain post-graduate he'd met eight years ago. Her mind and the expression on the face reflected that of a determined, well-prepared woman who knew what she was about.
The Goblins' mindsets weren't reassuring, either. He could sense the ever-latent suspicion Goblins had of wizards, particularly more powerful ones like himself. He could also sense how they felt about Madam Morgendorffer, and what he sensed was disturbing. Regardless of their dislike of humans in general and wizards in particular, Goblins could be loyal to those they saw as valuable and trustworthy employees. From the look of things, it seemed that Helen Morgendorffer might have achieved that status.
Finally, there was Miss Goodwin. Had Minister Bagnold taken an interest in the dispute concerning control of the Potter estate? By the look of things, it seemed that she had.
Helen walked up to him, carefully avoiding eye-contact. "Before we begin," she said, "I have a message for you, Professor. One of our friends gave it to me and told me to pass it along. You might want to read it later in a private place."
"And please don't lose it," she added. She handed him a note in a paper envelope, which he pocketed. He'd read it later. He wondered if it was as important as Madam Morgendorffer seemed to think.
Madam Morgendorffer stepped back, walked around the desk, and sat down next to her nephew. Professor Dumbledore noted that she and her great-great-nephew were flanked by Goblins.
"To business," said Great-claws. Dumbledore saw the senior Goblin nod at Madam Morgendorffer.
"Madam Morgendorffer," said Great-claws.
"I called this meeting in part because I am the legal guardian of Harry James Potter, also known as Harry James Morgendorffer under US and MACUSA law," said Helen. "As legal guardian for my great-grand-nephew, I also feel responsible for handling his financial affairs. For the last eight years I have attempted to determine who had control of Harry's estate and what its current status might be. I have only recently learned that the estate was controlled by Albus Dumbledore, his current magical guardian."
"I would like an audit and an accounting as to how the funds of the Potter estate has been managed since the deaths of James and Lily Potter in October, 1981."
Professor Dumbledore was able to maintain a placid exterior, but underneath he was alarmed. He'd not been paying attention to developments in Texas. This woman was no glorified law clerk, but a full-blown lawyer.
One of the Goblins to Helen's left stood up on the chair. "Gringotts Southwest sees Helen Morgendorffer as a valued, trusted employee and supports her efforts to gain control of her great-great-grand-nephew's estate," he said. This was far worse than Professor Dumbledore expected. Professor Dumbledore not only noted the Muggle-style dress that the Goblin wore, but his American accent.
This was worse than he'd expected. The last thing he could afford would be a legal dispute facing an opponent who'd already turned up some powerful allies.
"I would rather that this matter come to a quick and amicable resolution, as among friends," said Helen. "Nevertheless, unless what I see as the uncooperative attitude of certain parties regarding the administration of the Potter estates continue with their current behavior comes to an end, I am willing to take this matter to the courts and litigate. I believe I have grounds for disputing control of the Potter Estate but winning my case based on In re: Gaunt and Prince versus Allstone. In both cases, the legal guardian was not only able to petition the Wizengamut for change of guardianship but also to demand audits of the estates by neutral parties. In both cases, there had been wills filed as public records and audits made of the estates of the adult decedants. I have yet to see a last will and testament for James and/or Lily Potter or an audit made of their estates at the time of their deaths in 1981. Should I move to litigation, I would insist on legal discovery of the Potters' will and file for discovery of any inventory made of the Potter estate made at their time of death and an audit of the Potter Estate as it now exists."
"Or," said Helen, making a dramatic pause, "I am open to a settlement and we can wind this matter up this evening."
At other times, Albus Dumbledore would brush off the Squib's threat and dare her to litigate, but this was not one of those times. It was as if Helen Morgendorffer had carefully chosen her time delivered her threat at a time when it could do the most damage if she carried it out. He was not only overextended, but he was painfully politically vulnerable. If his enemies weren't aware as to just how vulnerable he was at the present, they would be by morning.
"I am glad to see that Madam Morgendorffer takes her role as guardian seriously," he said, giving an air of non-chalance. "Perhaps we can resolve this matter with a little more privacy."
"Madam, are you willing?" he said to Helen.
"I'd be willing if I could trouble my co-workers to advise me," said Helen. "I may need to consult with them about bank policy."
There was an open door leading to a small side room; Great-claws gestured towards it. Professor Dumbledore stepped into it and was shortly joined by Madam Morgendorffer and a couple of goblins, at least one of which Professor Dumbledore had surmised was one of Madam Morgendorffer's American co-workers. Helen pulled out a Muggle-style file folder as well as a notebook that he'd heard Muggles describe as a legal pad. She also uncapped a fountain pen which Professor Dumbledore recognized as a souvenir pen sold by Ilvermorny to parents and alumni of the American magical school.
"What do you want, Madam?" he asked Helen.
"I want control of the Potter estate," said Helen, "as I believe I should have been given several years ago."
"I believe that I am more than capable of maintaining my responsibilities as Harry's legal guardian," Professor Dumbledore said gently.
"Professor," Helen said with the air of a gentle advisor giving advice. "You're overextended. According to my research, you are currently holding down no less than five full-time jobs. Your role as headmaster alone is particularly demanding and time-consuming. In addition, you are also Chief Warlock of the Wizengamut, not to mention your other three jobs. To my mind, that means you do not have the time to give the Potter estate the time and attention it needs to be managed properly."
"I do not believe there is any reason to impugn malfeasance on my part concerning my administration of the Potters' affairs," said Professor Dumbledore.
"I'm not implying that there would be," Helen said blandly. "And should we move to litigation, it's likely that any audits made of the Potter estate prior to November 1st, 1981 and its current status would support your claim."
"Still, if we go to court, there would probably be unfriendly third parties who might impugn malfeasance. But if we come to a satisfactory agreement this evening, they won't be in such a position to make such claims, would they?"
Helen and Professor Dumbledore looked at each other and said nothing. Helen was no Occulemens, but she knew enough about legilimency not to stare in the old headmaster's eyes. Since she knew she had no mental barriers, she made do by concentrating on every awful childhood song still stuck in her memory.
"Hello, Operator,
Give me number nine,
And if you don't have that number,
Give me back my dime…"
"So what would you have me do, Madam?" said Professor Dumbledore, interrupting Helen's mental playback of Blood on the Saddle and Timmy the Cowboy's gory demise.
"I am asking you to yield and yield gracefully. Yield control of the Potter estate now, I will not pursue any legal actions against you regarding the estate's administration under your care, and you can walk away with your head held high, no lawsuit, and your reputation intact."
And if you don't, I'll be damned if I let Harry get into your clutches, thought Helen. He'll go to Ilvermorny or the Cascadia Institute. He won't be going to Hogwarts.
Curse the woman. She knew he was a Legilimens and could read that thought. It was decision time. The Headmaster realized that he had to choose between two unpleasant options. The goblins' presence meant that Madam Morgendorffer had the backing of her Gringotts employers. Miss Goodwin's presence meant that the Minister was watching, so he couldn't think of charming her. If he attempted to use magic to influence her, Miss Goodwin would know in an instant.
He looked ruefully at Madam Morgendorffer. This woman wasn't just good, she was very good. She made no threats, at least no explicit ones—unless the Ilvermorny pen was such. A pity she wasn't a witch and allied to the Order.
He remained silent for a long time, thinking over his options. He sighed. This round went to Madam Morgendorffer. "Very well, I agree," he said. "I am willing to sign an agreement signing over control of the Potter estate this evening with the proviso that I face no litigation regarding how I administered it for the last several years."
Helen marveled at how fast the wizard was willing to settle. She had thought that he'd put up more of a fight, not that she had much pity for him. She suspected that the old man had conceded because of some crisis connected with one of his other jobs. Or possibly he or his allies in the Wizengamut were having trouble. She also wondered just how much of Harry's money the old man had skimmed off the last few years.
Helen wanted more but was willing to settle for what she could get, and this looked better than what she expected. Still, she would have liked to have seen the old rascal's accounts audited but realized that Professor Dumbledore still had more than enough clout to avoid that.
"Agreed," said Helen.
"One other thing, Professor," said Helen. "The keys. Please place them on the table."
"Now?" said Professor Dumbledore, his eyebrows raised.
"Now," said Helen.
"Very well," said Professor Dumbledore. He reached into a pocket and handed over a keychain with several keys. Helen reached for it, but one of the Gringotts Goblins grabbed the keyring first.
"Allow me, Madam," he said.
The Goblin examined the keys and key ring for half a minute or so, nodded, then slide the keys over to Helen.
"If the two parties have reached agreement, an agreement is waiting in the main room," said Great-claws.
They all stepped back into the main room. Mr. Great-claws nodded to a subordinate, who produced a pair of legal documents. Both Madam Morgendorffer and the Professor read the legal documents, then first Professor Dumbledore, then Helen Morgendorffer signed. HJ had to sign, too, not as HJ Morgendorffer, but as Harry James Potter.
Miss Goodwin and a couple of the goblins escorted Professor Dumbledore to one of the Gringotts fireplaces, where he flooed away.
"That was fast," said Mr. Great-claws with satisfaction. Having one of his people put one of the more prominent wizards in Magical Britain at a disadvantage put him in a good mood. "What now, Madam Morgendorffer?"
"Sirs," said Helen. "As one of my first acts as Harry James Potter's financial trustee, I'd like to shift the contents of the Potter estate vaults from their current vaults to their new ones. I'd like to do it tonight, if that's possible."
Mr. Great-claws smiled in happy surprise. This woman was not only clever but moved quickly. He expected her to shift the contents of the vaults, but he thought she'd wait until the morning. This would be a late evening, but an interesting one.
"We can do that," he said. "Let's go."
Helen, HJ, Speedicutt, and Griphook took the cart down to the Potter vaults, deep below London. The cart eventually rolled to a stop. Helen wondered how many thousands of feet they were below the surface. Griphook picked up a lamp, then asked Helen for her key.
"We will open the Potter family vaults so you may see the contents," said the Goblin. "Master Potter may not access them until he is of age."
He opened the first vault. Both Helen and HJ gaped at the contents. Most of the vault was occupied by piles of gold coins, with a couple of stacks of gold plates and a set of golden goblets, and what looked like several large jewelry boxes. Helen could see that the stacks of gold coin rose to about the tip of Harry's nose.
I knew the Potters were well off, thought Helen, but I didn't know they were that well-off.
The second Potter vault was almost as awe-inspiring. This one had more piles of gold coin, as well as what looked like silver ingots and a couple of chests of what was probably jewelry. This time, the stacked gold coins only reached the level of Harry's chin.
Helen and HJ were so bedazzled by the contents of the Potter vaults that they missed the Goblin's scowl as he looked over the Potter family vault's contents. Despite the fact that wizards controlled their contents, the Goblins still had a fairly good idea as to how much gold there had been in the Potter vaults when James and Lily Potter had met their untimely deaths. The piles had noticeably shrunk since they were last visited. There should have been far more gold in those vaults, thought Griphook. Someone had been stealing.
It took Helen a while to get over the sight of HJ's family vaults. The sight had been staggering, so staggering that it took her a while to begin to organize her thoughts again. Those vaults' contents were worth a lot of money, at least if that was real gold. She suspected that HJ was wealthier than her mother. by a factor of ten or more. Helen was the first to have the shock of the Potter vaults wear off. She looked at HJ's expression. He was still engrossed at the sight of the vault's contents, but Helen almost see the wheels start to spin in HJ's head as he stared at the piles of wizard gold. She knew about HJ's fascination with high-speed automobiles and that Daria had nicknamed one of his shelves "The Garage." The Garage currently held three pricey die-cast models of high-end sports cars and Helen and Jake had ordered a fourth one for Christmas.
Nevertheless, it was time to squash one of HJ's big ideas.
"HJ Morgendorffer, don't even think about buying a Ferrari until you're out on your own," she said.
HJ tried to don an expression of innocence and failed. "Whatever," he said.
-(((O-O)))—
"So what do you want to do next, Madam Morgendorffer?" said Great-claws.
"To start with, I want the contents of the family vaults inventoried and evaluated," said Helen.
"Also, I see large piles of coins just sitting there in the vaults," said Helen. "I want some of that wealth out there and working," said Helen, "not just sitting around in a hole in the ground."
"Madam," Greatclaws, a tone of resentment in his voice.
Helen put up her hand placatingly. "I know this is a very secure vault," she said, "even more secure than top-secret No-Maj military institutions. But this is money that is sitting around doing nothing."
"I believe that Gringott's main bank handles investments just like Gringott's Southwest?" said Helen.
"We do," said the Goblin. "We're proud of our rates of return, too."
"Of course I expect that the Potter Estate will be paying Gringotts the proper management fee for administering its investments," said Helen.
Great-claws' feeling of resentment evaporated. This Squib was not going to sit idly by and let the piles of gold grow dust. There was money to be made here. The Goblin put on a predatory smile.
"Madam, I remember you saying that some of your ancestors took scalps," he said. "I think we can add some to your collection."
-(((O-O)))—
Author's note:
The version of Blood on the Saddle that Helen was singing to herself was not the doleful Tex Ritter version, but a peppier, major-key version shot through with pre-teen girlish Schadenfreude like the one girls my older sister's age were singing at summer camp in the early 1960's.
"Blood on the Saddle
Blood on the Ground
Great big puddles of blood
All Around
Timmy the Cowboy
Lying there dead
Cause his little cow-pony
Done Stomped on his head."