Hello and welcome to this Crack Fic. This is the english translation of a radio play made by the German Youtuber "Coldmirror"
She did a bunch of Harry Potter parodies and this one plays in her Harry Potter Universe. The credit goes to her so check out her work.
A bit background information:
-Snape and Draco are gay
-Lucius is also gay
-Dumbledore is senile and tries to be a cool Rapper
More knowledge isn't needed to enjoy this story. Have fun.
Bye :D
Hogwarts, teachers lounge, place of constant fear. Fear, not because of Voldemort, way worse, fear of Dumbledore in a good mood.
"Dumbdilidumdumdumdum, here for you, and for you, and for you and-"
Dumbledore scurried through the teachers lounge in a purple morning robe, with nothing beneath, and shoved an unwrapped into the mouth of everyone he passed.
"And for you. Here Professor Lupin, for you"
"No…thank you" Lupin rummaged through his pocket and pulled out an unwrapped bar of chocolate "I already have some"
"Alright, here for you and you and you and…uhhhhh" he continued his tour but came to a halt in front of the Goblin Professor Flitwick.
"Huh?"
"Oh sorry my boy, but you're not allowed to eat them. You could choke on them"
"B-but I'm a grown man!" protested Flitwick.
"Aw how cute, he can fully talk" he pinched Flitwick in the cheek "just like a big boy. Oh wait, you have something there"
He spit in a handkerchief and rubbed Flitwicks cheek with it.
"There, now you look nice again. Byeeeeee~"
"Eh?"
"Here for you and for you and here a Drop for you Professor Snape!"
He shoved the sticky, fuzzy, unwrapped drop with his age-spot covered, shaky grandpa hand in Snape's mouth.
"They are delicious, right?"
"Mhhhhhhhhhhhhmmhhhhhhh"
"Hey you don't move your mouth, as if you haven't touched the Drop with your tongue. You have to lick it!"
Snape touched the Drop with his tongue, which immediately curved inwards.
"Mhhhhhhh" he rubbed his belly in an excessive manner.
"I told you they are delicious! Bye"
Not even five seconds later, the hospital wing was filled with caries, periodontitis and gingivitis victims. The healer Madame Pomfrey faced a riddle.
"Toothache?" she asked Snape.
"Yes"
"Only toothache? No severed limbs, no blood, no death, no nothing?"
"No, only a toothache" replied Snape annoyed.
"Don't you have a potion for that?"
"Bah, do you seriously think I would come to you if I didn't already try each of my potions? I fundamentally avoid taking your help"
"I see, and what about that Prostate exam last week? And the one in the week before? And the week before that week? And before that week?"
Snape sighed "For sanity"
"Argh, Madame Pomfrey!" Neville Longbottom crawled with his last strength into the hospital wing "Madame Pomfrey!"
"Boy, I don't have time for you! Over fifty people have a toothache, that is very strange…"
"I think I am sick!"
"So what? You already said that yesterday"
"I think I have Plaque Spots"
"I can't busy myself with such trifles"
"In the Spots is pus!"
"So?"
"In the pus are maggots!"
"And you believe that that is a reason to skip school? The maggots are feeling well, aren't they?"
From the Spots came dozens of approving shouts, including a claim that the pus was top quality.
"Well yeah but-"
"I have more important things to do, so stop simulating!"
"Oh, ok" said Neville and left the hospital wing. He collapsed in front of the big stairs and another kid stumbled over him. His painful shouts when he fell down the stairs were heard for nearly ten minutes because the stairway was so long.
"Now where did we leave off? Oh yeah!"
"It's all Dumbledore's fault! He distributed those disgusting Lemon Drops!" shouted Snape.
"When you think it's his fault, then he should be able to help us" she pulled out a red low-tech rotary emergency phone and dialed.
In Dumbledore's office it rang.
And Dumbledore answered his, in his opinion, high-tech two pound 80's mobile phone with an antenna.
"Hello uah!" he stumbled to the side because the phone was so heavy.
"Hello?"
"Yes?"
"Professor Dumbledore, emergency! Did you distribute Drops today that weren't up with the health standards?"
"Oh yes, I made them myself. They are made out of only sugar, a secret recipe for yellow paint and an old lemon I had in my fridge for years…for something it had to be good"
"Everyone who ate your Drops got sick!"
"Got sick?"
"Yes, they all have a terrible toothache!"
"Toothache?"
"Are you playing echo again?"
"Echo again!"
"Hrmph. Isopropyl-propenyl-barbitursaures-phenyl-dimethyl-dimethyl-amino-pyrazolon!"
"Ahhh, toothache. I know a great household remedy! Just take fresh, warm horse droppings and put them on your face for half an hour and you are cured! That really works, I do it myself multiple times a day as a precaution!"
A loud neighing was heard behind him "Stay calm Jumper!"
"Uh, thanks" said Pomfrey and hung up.
The only teachers without a toothache were:
-Dumbledore himself, because he had a denture
-Professor Lupin, who preferred to eat his unwrapped chocolate rather than the unwrapped Drops
-Professor Flitwick, who wasn't allowed to eat a Drop
And Madame Pomfrey. She got generally exempted from Dumbledore's walkabouts, because he avoided the hospital wings, since he was afraid someone might recognize him, because he once stole a bedpan.
Madame Pomfrey adopted a very serious look "We can't allow the situation to escalate any further! I am calling for a medical emergency!"
She activated an earsplitting alarm siren. All children ran out of their classrooms in distress.
"What is that?"
"Fire alarm!"
"Oh no, fire!"
Hermione Granger pushed her way through the crowd "Oh god, what do you even know? That is the medical emergency alarm! The fire alarm is one octave higher!"
Everyone looked at her in confusion.
"Uh of course that doesn't mean that the emergency situation is in any way less dangerous! It would be best to run for your lives!" And everyone did that.
Hogwarts got evacuated. Of course Harry, Ron and Hermione ONCE MORE ignored the danger and went to the hospital wing.
"HEY! YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS HERE!" roared Madame Pomfrey at them "IT IS AN EMERGENCY! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!"
"What is even going on here?" asked Harry Potter, who appears in this story only now.
"Hrm" Snape glared at them "Does the heroic Harry Potter feel the need to prove his arrogance once more?"
"I just wanted to help! Is it Voldemort? Or the Ministry?"
"No, way worse. If you really want to know it" Snape's face darkened "Lemon Drops!"
Harry, Ron and Hermione gasped frightened.
"Lemon Drops?!" Said Harry angrily.
"He he, Lemon Drops!" Laughed Hermione.
"Oh god, Lemon Drops!" Gasped Ron.
"Urgh, Lemon Drops" Grumbled Harry.
"Yes Lemon Drops, in how many moods do you want to say it?" asked Snape annoyed.
"No idea, we didn't have sadness yet. Oh no, Lemon Drops!" sobbed Harry.
Snape glared and Madame Pomfrey cleared her throat "Professor Dumbledore distributed Lemon Drops in the teachers lounge and now everyone has a toothache! I don't know what I should do"
"Toothache? Ha" Hermione wanted to say something, but she was so excited that no words came out.
"My parents! HA! My parents!" She gasped.
"Your parents?" asked Madame Pomfrey.
"My parents are dentists! Finally I can brag about my parents being muggles! They both are dentists and should fix your problem in a jiffy" shouted Hermione.
"I see, so your parents…" "ARE DENTISTS!" "Yes, you think they could heal the whole teacher body?"
"Yes, I'm sure! They are dentists!"
"Well, I guess we have no other choice"
"I won't get help from muggles" said Snape.
Hermione did the death glare and a red laser pointer fixated Snape's forehead.
"Uh, well, maybe I will"
And so all teachers had to go to Hermione's home, while the students went to their families for a few days. Harry once more went to the Weasleys, Hermione went as well, since her house was filled to the brim, and Draco Malfoy, who didn't make an appearance in this story until now but who has to say something now, went…to the Malfoy's.
DRACO AND THE MALFOY'S!
The new family show!
Featuring:
Draco! "Hello"
His father Lucius! "Hello"
His mother Narcissa! "Erghhhhhh"
And maybe even, Dobby the house elf "Dobby ironed his hands as a greeting"
And now the always popular into!
…
…
…
…
…
A typical morning at the Malfoys began. Draco sleepily descended the stairs "Good morning, mother"
"Erghhhhhh" his mother Narcissa already sat at the kitchen table and stared with an absent look into the air. "Erghhhhh" and she did that only since this morning, she already did that since last night, and the day before and the day before and the day before and she did that in reality for years.
His father Lucius ran with pink fuzzy slippers through the kitchen and let everything burn "Oh good morning junior, I am sorry but I let your cereals burn. Oh and here is your orange juice"
"Thank you father" Draco sat down on the kitchen table and ate ash cereals and drank charred orange juice.
"I think it's so nice that you are home during term Draco! I thought of something very special for you. We go" he pulled entry tickets out of his pocket "to the bird park Hawk Conservancy Trust!"
"But father, we've already been there five times! It is boring there, you only want to watch the flamingos!"
"Uh well, alright. What is with you Narcissa? You like the bird park, don't you?" he poked Narcissa and she sunk a bit to the side.
She got used as a perch by the birds last time and got pooped on... and since then she didn't get cleaned.
"What is with you Dobby? Do you want to go to the bird park?"
"Oh yes Master! Dobby gets invited to the park by the Master! Dobby feels very honored!"
"Good" Lucius shoved the tickets into Dobby's hand "Then go there. Without us. Alone"
Dobby sniffed.
That was Draco and the Malfoys, now let's go back to the main plot.
The whole teacher body of Hogwarts was at Hermione's home. The dentist practise of Mr. and Mrs. Granger was filled to the brim. And since there was no room in the waiting area, Snape had to wait in Hermione's room for his turn.
"Urgh, it feels like I'm in a retirement home with this crappy interior. What's this? A collage of pictures with friends?" he ripped it off of the wall "Nicely shitty put together. What's in here?" He opened a drawer and pulled out a vibrating dildo.
"Ohoooooo~" he laughed gleefully.
"NEXT ONE PLEASE!" called Mr. Granger. Hurriedly Snape put the Sex-Toy away and followed the voice.
"I'm sorry that we don't have more room, but we couldn't plan for every Hogwarts teacher to come in at once. Please have a seat, Nurse Lupin will look after you"
Professor Lupin was playing around with the… Spit-Suction-Hoose. "Uh…for what…do you use…this thing?"
"Nurse Lupin?"
"Yeah as I said, my practice is overfilled, I can use every help. I will take a look at your teeth at once, I just have to look after three other patients now, if you would please excuse me"
"NO, DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM!" protested/begged Snape in desperation.
"Hm … hello … Severus. I have waited … very long hm … for this moment. Hm finally ... you are at ... my mercy and I can do with you ... what I want" said Lupin calmly.
"OH GOD WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE THESE BREAKS WHILE TALKING?" shouted Snape.
"Hm well … Do you know … Rufus Beck?"
"NO, NO IDEA, WHO IS THAT?!"
"It doesn't matter … how about … you open your mouth now … very wide"
"No, NO, NO!" shouted Snape.
(The following scene got deleted as to not disturb the wildly laughing readers)
Snape gargled lukewarm water to get the bitter taste out of his mouth.
"Hello, please excuse that it took a while longer, but now I'm here for you" said Mr. Granger cheerfully.
"Great" grumbled Snape.
Doktor Granger looked into Snape's mouth "Well, then say 'AH'"
Snape did what he asked.
"Then let's see and OH MY GOD!"
"Ahrh?"
"Have you ever looked into your mouth? The lower jaw is a catastrophe! Here, that tooth is completely out of line! And your teeth are all yellow! My god, you really suffered the most under these mysterious Lemon Drops!"
"Uh, yeah, that was … the Lemon Drops" replied Snape nervously.
Dr. Granger began to work and after a few hours of overtime he finally said "So that's it. Wasn't so bad, was it?"
"Hrmph" Snape had a stupid tooth regulator in his mouth and a plushie shaped like a back tooth in his arms.
Welp, and that's how all teachers of Hogwarts got cured and they even got free toothbrushes and toothpaste.
The whole school building got contaminated, covered in a giant white tent and poison gas got released inside. And nobody told Dumbledore, who was still in his office.
THE END