-03-
Athena carefully observes Dr. Sanders' expression as Bobby recounts the nightmares that he continues to have. This is only their fourth week in therapy, and while she knows that she has to be patient, it feels like they should be further along in their recovery than they are. The only progress they've made in moving on with their lives is finding a home, and even that milestone has temporarily been delayed, due to part, she was recently suspended from the department.
Again.
"And what about you, Athena?" the good doctor turned her attention toward the off-duty officer.
"I'm sorry?" Athena shook her head, focusing on the older woman before her.
"How has your sleep been?" Dr. Sanders adjusts in her chair. "There's been a lot going on. Bobby is still out of work, you were suspended. I know closing on the house has now been delayed. How are you holding up?"
Athena considered her words for a moment. By reflex, she wants to lie. She wants to deflect and say she's fine, that things happen, and that she just has to keep moving on with the movin' on. But she looks over at her husband and sighs quietly as he takes her hand and squeezes.
"By a thread," She answered finally. "My to-do list keeps growin' and growin', and I feel like I'm frozen in place. If my suspension isn't lifted soon we can't close on the house and I'm not sure I can handle another round of house hunting." She plays with Bobby's hand. "It's a lot."
Dr. Sanders nods her head in understanding. "Have you heard anything about the suspension?"
"Well," Athena exhaled a shaky breath. "My boss is pretty pissed with me right now." She rubbed embarrassingly at the back of her neck, echoes of Elaine's anger still vibrating in her ears nearly two weeks later.
"Sergeant Grant, my office, now!" Captain Elaine Maynard ordered as she stormed through the bullpen. She was dressed smartly in her dress-blues, navy blue captain's hat secured tightly to brown hair.
Athena braced herself for the ass-chewing she knew was coming and followed obediently behind the Captain who, over the years, had become a very dear friend. The door had hardly closed behind her before Elaine pivoted on foot, icy blue eyes filled with rage.
"What the fuck were you thinking, Sergeant?"
"Captain-"
"Save it!" Elaine ripped at the collar around her neck; she tugged the tie loose and threw it down on the desk. Her pristine Captain's hat followed, bobby pins hitting the floor. "Do you know where I just came from?"
Athena squared her shoulders. "I have a pretty good idea." The hat, the tie, and the number of awards and ribbons that were uniformly ordered on her superior's left breast suggested that she'd just come from a royal ass-chewing.
"The Brass," Elaine confirmed. "Where I was informed in a room full of superiors that one of my officers, one Field Sergent Athena Grant, had gone rogue."
"Captain-" Athena tried once more.
Elaine ignored her. "I thought to myself, no, surely, that can't be right," she began to pace, circling Athena as she did so. "Because the Athena Grant that I know, the responsible Field Sergent that I have trusted and whose plays I've backed for nearly thirty years, would never do anything like that. For God's sake, her husband was on a ventilator! And the loving and devoted wife that I know my Sergeant to be would have never left his side, not even for a second."
Athena flinched under the weight of Maynard's words. She battled with herself enough for the fact that she'd left Bobby's side; guilt havin' torn at her innermost being for not being there in the moments after he'd woken up.
"Then I thought about the look on your face when we spoke in the waiting room," Elaine rounded her once more, stopping so they were face to face. "I asked you if you had a suspect, if you had anyone in mind, and you lied to me."
"I'm sorry," Athena held her gaze.
"What were you thinking?"
"I wasn't," Athena admitted honestly. "I-" she struggled to find her voice. "All I could feel was rage, it was the only thing holding me upright." When she thought back to that time, sitting at Bobby's bedside, watching as a machine did the work of breathing for him, she remembered the feeling of pure venom that surged within her.
Elaine shook her head, the disappointment evident in her eyes. "I replayed the 9-1-1 call you made when you left the hospital."
Athena dropped her gaze to the floor. Embarrassment and shame knotted deep within her belly. If the cartel hadn't shown up when they did, she couldn't say what would have happened between her and Amir. So sure her husband was dead, so sure Amir was guilty, she could still feel the trigger of her gun against her finger.
"You went to this man's home," It was a statement more than a question, "And what were you planning to do?" Elaine carefully watched her face, and when Athena didn't answer, she nodded, comprehending perfectly. "That's what I thought," she said finally, exhaustion lacing her words. She'd worked a lot of years alongside Athena, had known her to be hotheaded and short-tempered, and had seen her at her lowest more times than she cared to count, but never in her wildest dreams would she have thought her reckless enough to risk her career and her life, in such a manner.
"I should fire you," her words crackled with an anger Athena had never heard before, " I should take your gun and your badge, and then I should file charges against you just to make a point."
Silence, tense and thick settled over the room. Athena stayed standing, meanwhile, Elaine had given up, lowering herself into her chair. The coat of her dress-blues discarded next to her cap on the desk. Neither woman spoke, and for a long time, they simply sat in silence.
Elaine folded her hands, the fingers of her right hand circling the diamond band around her left ring finger. "You're suspended," she said finally because she also has a husband at home, the love of her life, and a partner she'd do anything for if it came down to it.
Athena exhaled a deep, shuddering breath, a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. "For how long?"
"Until I know that I can trust you."
Bobby's hand and Dr. Sanders' voice work in tandem to pull Athena from the rabbit hole she'd wandered.
"Working with you two is not for the faint of heart," the good doctor jokes, a tender smile pulling across her lips.
Athena chuckles in response, squeezing her husband's hand. "So we've been told."
"Athena, I don't know what to tell you except that you need to give your Captain time." She tapped her pen thoughtfully against the legal pad. "There is a process to these things and while I understand your desire to avenge Bobby, you should have reported your suspicions to your supervisor. This could have ended badly a million different ways and you're very fortunate that it didn't."
"I know," Athena agreed quietly. And she did know that. It was only the grace of God that things ended the way they did. An innocent man could be dead, and she could be in prison. Had the cartel noticed her in the background, she could have been killed, or the fire that she set in the warehouse could have ravaged them all.
"Have you been able to sleep?"
"Not really," Athena confessed. "Bobby doesn't sleep, and with everything else going it's just been… a lot."
"Then here is what I want to do," Dr. Sanders stood and made her way across the room to her desk to grab a smaller pad, she scribbled something out quickly before reclaiming her seat. "I know you don't like the idea of medication, Bobby, but I feel like you could benefit greatly from an anti-depressant medication, an SSRI, such as Sertraline. It could help slow things down for you, your feelings wouldn't be as intense and it would help your mind get to a place of ease so that you could fall asleep."
"Can those be addictive?" Athena questioned.
"Not necessarily, but they don't come without risk." Dr. Sanders answered honestly. "I would start you on a very low dose and monitor you for the duration of your time on them. But everything you've told me about your family and the Minnesota Fire, and about the fire you and Athena just survived, it's clear to me you are in the throws of an active PTSD episode."
Athena could see the immediate stress on her husband's face as he clocked the written prescription in Dr. Sanders' hand.
"I don't know about this," Bobby shook his head, the frustration evident. "I don't understand why you continue to push for this."
"Honey," Athena called to him, a plea to not lose his temper.
"My sponsors have been clear about this, Athena," Bobby looked into his wife's eyes. "The way I have always understood AA and NA and recovery to work is that you eliminate the risks. Some people I know don't even take cold medicine when they're sick because they're so scared about what it could trigger for them. What if this triggers something else in me?"
Athena nodded in understanding. She remembered the first night she met Bobby's former sponsor, Wendell. It was no secret he'd been suspect of her, concerned the relationship was progressing too quickly, and that Bobby was unintentionally using her to chase a high. Never mind his reaction when he learned she was a social drinker.
"Permission to speak freely?" Dr. Sanders' waited for Bobby and Athena's consent before she continued. "This is where I feel like recovery gets too much like religion." She looked into Bobby's eyes as she spoke, understanding how much he participated in mass and attended confession as a way to hold himself accountable. "The purpose behind recovery is not to pass some kind of moral purity test. It's to reduce or eliminate behaviors that negatively affect your health and well-being."
Bobby tensed under her words, and Dr. Sanders understood that as her cue to back off. She sat back in her chair, watching him for a moment. Her eyes shifted to Athena's. "In my opinion, not sleeping is a major detriment to health and well-being, and as long as Bobby is in limbo, living between this reality and the demons of his past, he will always be at a greater risk for relapsing, even without the medication."
"What are the risks?" Athena cradled Bobby's large hand between the two of hers. "I mean, what would I have to look for if he started on this medication?"
"It can take every bit of two weeks before the medication starts to work," Dr. Sanders explained knowledgeably. "The biggest thing to look out for would be serotonin syndrome, which could look like anything from standard GI upset: nausea, and vomiting, to something more severe like muscle rigidity, or seizures, and in that case, it would be a medical emergency and you'd want to call 9-1-1 and get to a hospital."
Athena narrowed her eyes, "You're not really selling this, Doc."
"I understand it can be scary, but truly, I feel like the benefit of this medication outweighs the potential risk for harm." Dr. Sanders turned to Bobby, nothing but sincerity laced in her words. "You've confided in me, Bobby, that you were at one time suicidal, and that you even had a plan."
He avoids her gaze, looking down at the rug.
"Those feelings came up again when Amir showed up in your life, and ss Athena explained, it felt to her like you were getting your affairs in order, and you've admitted she may have been right. Hindsight is 20-20 and maybe in the midst of it all, you didn't think about hurting yourself, but this, all of this in which you have so gracefully shared with me is too much for any one person to battle alone. Now, my only goal here is to help you." Dr. Sanders took a breath. "I don't want to jeopardize your recovery, Bobby. I know it's important to you and you've worked very hard to maintain it. I would not suggest this if I didn't truly believe it could help you."
Bobby exhaled a breath and ran a frustrated hand over his neck. "Okay," he agreed finally, taking the prescription from her. "I guess-I guess I can try it."