Chapter 1: Girl Scout Cookies

Chandler Bing was startled by the knock on the door.

Outside of the mailman, they didn't get many visitors to their home in Westchester County, and certainly not in the middle of the day. He was working from home on this particular morning, feeding the twins their breakfast. Monica was at the restaurant, leaving him with a tempting kiss and an appreciative smile and a sultry promise that she would more than repay him that night for holding down the fort.

Chandler smiled to himself as he thought of his kind and beautiful wife as he turned into the foyer, following the sound of the persistent knocking. He couldn't imagine who would be coming to call. Maybe one of the neighbors, though he found this unlikely: he and Monica hardly knew their neighbors, even the ones immediately next door, outside of the occasional 'Hi, Bye,' exchange. It had been a bit of a disappointment, to realize that such anonymity, even in close proximity, held true for neighbors in the suburbs as well as in the apartment complexes in the city. Except for Joey and Mr. Heckles, Monica and Chandler wouldn't have been able to pick their fellow Bedford Street residents out of a line-up.

A cry from one of the twins made Chandler glance back down the foyer with a cringe. Whoever this was, he would make it quick, then get back to the babies. He opened the door, bemused and even a bit relieved to immediately find no one there. Thinking that perhaps it was some Ding-Dong-Ditch prank by neighborhood kids playing hooky, Chandler shrugged and started to close the door.

"Hey, wait!"

Chandler paused and his eyes shifted down. A little girl of indeterminate age peered up at him with doe, brown eyes.

Chandler fought off a sigh. It was just as well this girl had caught him and not his wife. Monica still had a guilty pleasure for the kinds of cookies young girls like this were known to peddle. The thought of making any contribution to his beloved bride regaining even a smidgeon of weight told Chandler to let this little wisp of a girl down gently and send her on her way. Yet the prospect of Monica hearing from their still-largely anonymous neighbors that there were Girl Scout troops about was equally terrifying, so he finally allowed himself that sigh and reached for his wallet.

"Look, sweetheart, I don't know what it is you're selling, but we don't exactly have the budget or the waistline for Nutter Butters. But you're working so hard, so here – I've got a hundo!" He flashed the dollar bill, holding it out to show how it was crisp and fresh. No wrinkles. The girl simply frowned.

"I don't want any money…" She mumbled adorably.

"Oh, I get it," Chandler grinned. "Parent chaperones need to accept transactions like this." That was what Monica had told him anyway: she had been a Scout when she was a little girl… before she'd been essentially dishonorably discharged for eating all the products. He glanced up and down the street, squinted his gaze down their driveway for any sight of… "Where's your mom?"

"On an airplane…." The girl just about whimpered it.

"Well, what about your father? You shouldn't run on ahead, and I'm sure he's looking for you…" Chandler swiveled his gaze up and down the street again. He and Monica always hated the types of parents who never kept a better eye on their kids! As new parents themselves, the thought of taking their eyes off Jack and Erica even for a moment was anathema to them!

The girl simply pursed her lips and shook her head. "He's not looking for me." She sounded so confident.

"How do you know?" Chandler sighed, trying to be patient.

"Because… he's looking at me."

"…. What?..."

The girl took a step into the foyer, her brown eyes now holding a bit of fear. "…. Hi. We've never met before. You were once involved with my mother, Kathy. Kathy Dutcher? My name is Peyton…. I'm your daughter."

Chandler lifted his head. He could feel the blood draining from his face. He felt as though he had tunnel vision, the world zooming out even as he staggered back and walked, almost in a kind of trance, for the phone. Vaguely, he heard Peyton wander in after him and run up to the twins with a squeal, hollering about how she didn't know she had a little brother and sister, but Chandler could hardly hear her through how his ears were ringing.

Chandler picked up the phone, only thinking momentarily of whom he needed to call. He dialed the number and held the receiver up to his ear. When the person on the other end picked up, he simply rumbled, "We have a situation."

As Peyton began peppering Chandler with questions that he didn't know how to answer, let alone process, he paced through the foyer, into the living room and back again. Thankfully, he didn't have to wait long before a new arrival was bursting through the side screen door.

Chandler locked gazes with the cavalry. "Fix it," he clipped, though he didn't know how equipped this new arrival would be in doing that as he stood aside, revealing Peyton.

"Oh, crap!" Joey Tribbiani leapt back, startled out of his determined dash over here all the way from the studio apartment in the backyard.

"She said she's the daughter of Kathy Dutcher? Our Kathy Dutcher?!" Joey hissed, his eyes bugging out of his head.

Chandler cringed. "Yes, our Kathy. Though when you put it like that, it sounds creepy!"

Joey shrugged. "Well, she was seeing both of us…." He side-eyed where Peyton was playing on the floor between the two high chairs. Jack and Erica were staring down at the little girl, enraptured. "The kid said she's your daughter?"

"Yes! I mean…." and here Chandler flushed red. "You know she and I were having sex…."

"She and I were having sex too!" Joey blurted, too loudly. Chandler's teeth set and he frantically tried to shush his best buddy, but too late.

"Daddy? What's sex?"

Chandler and Joey looked at each other. "She's talking to you!" Joey prodded, lightly nudging Chandler.

"Nothing, Peyton," Chandler clipped quickly, ignoring Joey's frown at what he assumed was his resistance to employing any of the terms of endearment he used so easily with the twins. He turned back to his best friend. "Yeah, but Kath and I always used protection – and!..." He lifted a finger, his lips pursed in a roiling frown of warning as he headed off Joey's attempted interruption. "We never had a baby!"

Joey nodded thoughtfully. Then:

"… She could just as easily be mine, too, you know…" At Chandler's startled look, Joey shrugged. "I mean, she was doing me at the same time she was doing you. The timeframe would be fairly narrow…"

…. This was probably the most intelligent, astute thing Joey had ever said. And besides, Chandler rationalized as he looked down at the little girl, playing on the floor, oblivious: Peyton clearly favored Kathy. The genes of her father, whoever he was, didn't leap out in quite the same way, so his identity wouldn't be as clear.

This just kept getting weirder. "She seemed pretty certain, Joe."

Joey rolled his eyes. "In the same way that any little kid would be certain, which is to say, not at all. Unless she heard it directly from Kathy's lips…"

"Well, maybe she did…."

"Kids can get confused easily. Last week, Emma was convinced I stole her Hugsy when I slept over at Ross and Rachel's place for babysitting…"

"Except you did steal Emma's Hugsy! And Emma's almost four!"

"Exactly! How can a little kid that young be so certain of anything? My point is, I can prove that this girl isn't your kid! I can prove she isn't my kid!" At Chandler's skeptical look, Joey knelt down at Peyton's level. "Look here: we… we don't even look alike!" And Joey flashed Chandler his biggest million-watt grin. Taking only one look at him, Peyton now attempted to copy him and fuck, now Chandler felt dizzy: the pair of grins were identical.

"Oh, no…." he groaned sarcastically. "Not at all…."

Joey didn't appear to notice this, as when he glanced at Peyton, the broad grin had been wiped from her face. The struggling actor set Peyton on one of the large kitchen chairs and the two men took seats opposite her.

"Peyton, sweetie: how did you get here?" Joey started off mildly.

"I took a cab to this address," Peyton chirped rotely.

Joey turned to Chandler. "Call Pheebs and tell her to cross-reference all of the cabs in the area." At his friend's blank stare, Joey shrugged. "Well, she has access to her grandma's cab! Don't cabs share that kind of information?"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm just asking the kid some questions!"

"So this is an interrogation?!" Chandler looked appalled.

"Relax. It's just a light grilling – speaking of which, what are we doing for lunch? I know Mon left those kebabs in the fridge…." At Chandler's glare, Joey swallowed and folded slightly concave into himself. "Shutting up. Seriously: relax. We do this on SVU all the time." Joey leaned forward, folding his arms on the table. "So, the cab company just magically dropped you off at some man's house?"

"Not 'some man'," Peyton wrinkled her nose. "My father."

Joey frowned and slapped the table, pointing accusatorily. "So you say!"

"Want a paternity test?" Peyton challenged, looking surprisingly scary for a…. a… how old was she? Chandler racked his brain. He hadn't seen Kathy in years – none of them had.

"Actually, that's a great idea!" Chandler nodded at Joey's skeptical look, taking his friend aside. "If we submit to the paternity test, we can also figure out how old the kid is, which means we can determine if she's telling the truth!" At Joey's confused look, Chandler ran a hand over his face. "If she's too old or better yet, too young, we'll know neither of us could have conceived her with Kathy!"

"And when exactly would this, 'we could have conceived her with Kathy' have happened?" Joey inquired.

Just like Joey to not know which girl he had done when. Chandler thought back, reaching through his memory: He and Monica would be married for five years this spring, and they'd been together for three years before that, ever since London. The Kathy debacle had been a little bit before London, so that meant…

"Eight or nine years ago."

"How old are you, kid?" Joey quipped.

"Eight!"

At Peyton's casual chirp, Joey arched an eyebrow. "Congratulations, Chandler. Or should I say Daddy?"

"Uhhhhh…." Chandler groaned. "This isn't happening to me!"

"Denial isn't just a river in…. in…." Joey faltered.

Chandler gawped. "…. Egypt!"

"Yeah, there!" Joey snapped his finger and pointed gratefully.

"And this isn't denial, Joe! It is physically impossible for me to be that kid's dad!" At Joey's skeptical look, Chandler lifted one eyebrow. "I have low sperm motility, Joey! Remember? It's why Monica and I adopted the twins in the first place! How could I have conceived a kid with my – our…. ex if my swimmers couldn't even get off their Barcaloungers?"

At this, Joey went a little white. "You're right… But just because your boys couldn't get anywhere doesn't mean mine…." He started to teeter dangerously on his feet, swaying into Chandler, who caught him.

The men shared a look. "We're calling my wife," Chandler decided.