Chapter 3: Thank You For Your Idiocy

The tone of the doorbell was still fading on Chandler's ears as he reached to answer the door. The motion was so natural and second nature that he didn't take time to pause and prepare himself for who he knew waited him on the other side.

So it was a shock when he pulled back the door and came face to face, for the first time in nearly ten years, the woman who had broken his heart.

"Kathy…"

Kathy Dutcher didn't seem all that changed from the woman Chandler remembered, even close to a decade on. The auburn curls that had once captivated him seemed lighter somehow, in color. Her face was unblemished; she still appeared quite pretty. At his back, Chandler felt his wife drifting into him, watching the exchange. Undoubtedly, Monica would try to hide it in her face, but Chandler could nevertheless feel, without even turning around, her wariness at welcoming one of her spouse's old flames into their home.

Kathy dipped her head with a soft smile. "Hello, Chandler…. It's…. it's been a minute." There was something shy about the way she said this.

But not, Chandler noted, sheepish. His lips set into a thin line. Kathy turned her head, blinking in surprise at seeing…. "Monica?... This is a surprise! What are you doing here?"

Monica's lips upturned into a kind of self-satisfied smirk. "Oh, did Chandler not tell you?" She made a point of looping her arm through that of her husband and squeezing his bicep. "I'm his wife. We're married!"

Kathy's mouth fell open and she let out a shaky little laugh. "Wait: so… you… married him? My, my, my…. how sweet!..."

"Would you like to come in, Kathy?" Monica asked, though there was nothing hospitable in her timbre. More…. saccharine…. If Kathy picked up on this, she didn't acknowledge it.

"Yes, thank you." She strode past the married couple and into the house, glancing back almost absently at the visitor who had been standing directly behind her and thus blocked from the Bings' line of vision.

"Oh, Chandler…. You remember Nick?"

"Vividly," Chandler ground out through gritted teeth. Still, he held out his hand to stiffly shake. He recalled how pained he had been watching this guy heavily petting Kathy during a stage scene for a play he had attended on his then-girlfriend's behalf…. and, despite only knowing as much about the theatre as what Joey told him, knowing that much of that display had been far from acting on their parts. It had been what spurred him to go backstage after the performance and accuse – correctly, it turned out – Kathy of cheating on him with her co-star.

Joey now wandered into the foyer. His eyes appraised Nick up and down mistrustfully. "They always say three's a crowd…."

Nick tried for a friendly smile, perhaps not reading the room. "It's good to see you again, Joey." Joey didn't reply, simply gestured back with a sweep of his arm.

"The kid's in here. We recruited a nurse for an at-home visit. She'll be administering the blood test." A beat, and then: "You know, to determine that Peyton is my kid."

Chandler blinked in surprise at this. He wouldn't have expected Joey to be jostling to lay a claim on the child, given his best friend's terrified reaction at the possibility earlier. Not as though he was one to talk – he was terrified that the blood test would come back positively identifying him.

Not that he didn't want to be a father. As a much younger man, he might not have yearned for that future, but then Monica had come into his life, and he had vowed to do everything to make her happy. Then the twins had landed in their laps, and it was like a dream Chandler had never known he had. He couldn't imagine not having his beloved wife and their babies in his life. Couldn't fathom the emptiness that their absence would leave behind.

Nick was also blinking a little at the out-of-nowhere micro-aggression Joey shot across his bow. "I think you'll find she's my kid, mate. I have… pretty high fertility." He grinned self-assuredly, his gaze shifting towards Monica, who simply scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"I have six sisters. Tribbianis have powerful genes. If anyone was capable of fathering a girl, it would be me!" Joey countered, taking a step into the guy who had helped Kathy break not only Chandler's heart, but in a way, his as well.

"If we're done comparing sizes!" Monica moved between the pair of men, her lips drawn in a thin smile. "Why don't we all come into the dining room?"

The group traipsed into where Paula was now setting up the syringes and coils, laid out on paper towels. Peyton was standing between the high chairs, making funny faces at the twins.

"Mommy!" She glanced up with a bright smile and ran into her mother's arms.

"Hi, ducky!" Kathy kissed the top of Peyton's head lovingly. Monica watched the scene, caught off guard when weighing it against the woman she had known. It was just the sort of affection she routinely showed her own daughter and her son every day.

The raven-haired woman shook her head to clear it. This was the woman who had broken the heart of a man whom she considered to be a brother…. this was the woman who had then broken the heart of the man who would become the love of Monica's life…. Kathy's betrayal had done a number on Chandler's self-esteem that only magical London, that only Monica herself, had been able to restore.

Paula glanced up, her eyes ping-ponging between the three men. Her gaze lingered on Nick, who gave her an intriguing grin.

Monica gawked. "Paula!"

"What? I can appreciate a handsome specimen!" The nurse cast a wink at Joey.

Monica snorted. "You think every man with a pulse is a handsome specimen…" she muttered under her breath. Paula said nothing to refute this.

Chandler, Joey and Nick each took a seat across from Paula and her equipment, seated three abreast. Paula took her time wrapping the taut, blue band around each of their forearms, searching for a vein.

Chandler glanced away, holding his wife's gaze and her comforting smile in his sights. Trust Monica to be ready and waiting, looking right at him, flooding him with her understanding. Her love. He'd never liked needles – a point she knew well. She always held his hand when he'd needed to have blood drawn or receive shots at his doctor's appointments.

"Done," Paula chirped kindly to Chandler as the pinprick of pain faded to a tingle along his forearm. "And last but not least – the newcomer…" She administered the blood draw to Nick.

The three prospective fathers watched as Paula gathered the blood vials and carefully labeled each one of them.

"P, it'll take a couple of days for the results to come back… won't it?" Monica inquired, sending a surreptitious look towards Kathy. She was not looking forward to possibly spending some time in close quarters with the other woman, but for Peyton's sake, for Chandler and Joey's sake, she would do it.

…. But Monica would not put up the wench or her Nick squeeze toy in their home, despite it going against her every instinct to be a gracious host. If they needed to, Kathy and Nick could go stay in a hotel.

"Actually, I have all the tech I need to analyze the blood samples right here!" Paula reported. "It'll take about…. say, an hour and a half, to scan all three?"

"Wonderful," Monica clipped. She rose. "Honey, I think I'm going to take the twins to get groceries while the results are processed. OK?"

Chandler nodded. He was slightly taken aback, though he rolled with it, when Monica made a show of taking his face in her hands and kissing him rather deeply on the mouth. Against his wife's lips, he smirked: she was marking her territory. Not as though she should feel like she needed to. It was hard for him to even look at Kathy, but not because of any lingering feelings – to the contrary, he felt absolutely nothing for the woman who had been his first real girlfriend. The auburn-haired actress utterly paled in comparison to the bright, shining light that was his Monica.

Chandler and Monica broke apart, and Monica smiled. "See you in a bit, sweetie." She squeezed her husband's hand.

"Miss Monica? Can I come?"

The question from Peyton startled her a little, and Monica deigned to spare Kathy a glance, if only to seek permission. Regardless of how little she felt for the woman, as a fellow mother, Monica didn't want to step on any toes. "If it's all right with your mom… of course you can, honey." Grinning, Monica held out her hand to Peyton, who eagerly took it. "Each take one baby?"

The pair of girls lifted a twin apiece from their high chairs and exited through the foyer.

"Joey, you know where the leftovers are if you're hungry!" Monica cast back over her shoulder.

Kathy sent her old boyfriend…. one of them anyway… a bemused smile. "You come here often?"

"He lives in the studio apartment in the backyard," Chandler grunted, deadpan. Only his twinkling eyes betrayed him.

90 minutes later, Paula had finished analyzing each of the three blood samples, and Monica, Peyton and the twins had returned from grocery shopping. Everyone was gathered around the dining room table, watching the chef-turned-nurse anxiously.

In an indication of the gravity of the news about to be imparted, Joey had a plate of food balanced in his lap, yet he hadn't touched a single bite of it. Paula was finishing watching the read-outs come spitting out of a small machine that was smaller than a computer, yet bigger than a mobile phone. It reminded Chandler more of a receipt dispenser at the grocery check-out line, the paper it was now ejecting appearing more like ticker-tape, or the kind of messages that would have been dispensed when receiving old telegrams or news wires.

"There are four blood types: A, B, AB and O," Paula informed the group. "I administered a blood draw to Peyton earlier today and determined that she has an O blood type." She turned to Kathy. "Kathy, I don't suppose you know your blood type?"

"I'm also O."

"Thank you. Now, I have determined that each of you guys have a different blood type: Chandler is AB, Joey is B, and Nick is A. An O mother can't make an O baby with fathers who have AB…." (Chandler felt a ping of sadness course through him, even as air rushed out of his body), "… and in only some rare cases can make an O baby with an A donor. So, having contrasted the antigens in Peyton's blood against each of yours, that means…."

Everyone turned as one to stare at the new father. Monica felt an awed smile come over her face, and even tears pricking emotionally at her eyes. She reached for his hand.

"It's you, Joey…."

"Me…..?" Joey warbled, bewildered. Tears unexpectedly pooled, leaving his orbs filmy, and he moved to wipe them away. "I'm a dad… I'm a dad!..."

Chandler laughed and clapped his best friend on the back. "Congrats, man!"

Joey stood from his chair, still in a kind of daze. "I…. I got call the others…. Rachel and Ross…. Pheebs…."

They dialed Phoebe first to tell her the news, to which she responded by letting out a part-gleeful, part-horrified shriek, "Oh my God! You finally reproduced!"

"Phoebe!" Monica laughed.

It was a better reaction than what they received from the newly married Geller-Greens – through astonished, hiccupped sobs, Rachel reported that her husband had fainted dead away upon hearing.

"Mommy? Can I go see Joey's…. Daddy's…." Peyton corrected herself, shifting her gaze uncertainly to her father, who seemed elated and stunned to be addressed like this. "…. Apartment?"

Kathy and Joey shared a look, now two people bound together by the child they had inadvertently made. Kathy gave her daughter a soft smile. "Of course you can, sweetheart."

Ecstatic, Peyton took her dad by the hand and dragged him through the kitchen, leading him towards the backyard. Monica stood with poise, crossing to Kathy's chair.

"Can we talk?"

"Yeah…." Kathy followed Chandler's wife up the stairs warily. Entering the master bedroom, the brunette's eyes quickly honed in on the wedding photo placed prominently on the nightstand.

"Chandler looks handsome there…" At Monica turning to Kathy and blinking, Kathy smiled and blushed. "He was always a great guy…. Maybe if things had been different, we could have worked out…"

Monica bristled at this. "What, you mean if you hadn't cheated on him and broken his heart?" Kathy blinked, knocked off-step by the jab even as she should have seen it coming. "You know, Kathy, no matter how the results came out, even if she were Nick's, I told myself I would be there for Peyton. This is about her – what's best for her. But this is also now about what's best for Joey. What his role will now be in this." Kathy continued to stare. "As childish as the man can be sometimes, he has the biggest heart of anyone I know, tied only with my husband. That big heart of his can be easily hurt. Joey is fragile – and I don't think I need to remind you of how you've already wounded him!"

Kathy averted her eyes down, shamed.

"Joey's like my brother. Did you know Chandler and I actually asked him to marry us? He officiated our ceremony. That's how much we care about him. So, if you think I'm going to let you hurt him again, now that there's a child in the picture, you are sorely mistaken. Now, you have to let Joey be in his child's life, because if you don't, I'll make sure it is the last mistake you'll ever make!" Monica was satisfied to see Kathy swallow hard at this and go a little white. Lips quirking up a little in satisfaction, Monica strode past the other woman to exit the bedroom. At the door, she turned back.

"Oh: and I also have to thank you…. for being such a monumental idiot in throwing away the best man either of us have ever known!" She spat. At Kathy's eyes widening, Monica felt a primal beast inside of her roar with triumph. "God knows I hate you for how much you hurt Chandler, but if you hadn't, I might never have come to realize that he's the man I love!" Monica shrugged, her lips struggling not to twist into a smirk. "Oh, well: your loss." She almost tacked on the word bitch at the end, and somehow found just enough composure to refrain, as she turned and marched from the bedroom and down the stairs without a backwards glance.

Joey Tribbiani stared down at the girl whom had just been confirmed as his daughter, stroking her hair as she lay fast asleep on the settee in his studio apartment. Over by the stairs, he had could feel the eyes of his best friends, Chandler and Monica, watching him, but he didn't move to turn his head.

"I always figured that someday, the long arm of responsibility would catch up to me…" he murmured quietly. "I may enjoy… certain pleasures more than most people, but…."

"Sex is a beautiful thing, man," Chandler pointed out gently.

Joey smirked. "Oh, I know. I can hear you two going at it often enough!" He finally chanced a glance at his friends to see how they were both flushing bright red.

Monica smiled, deciding not to correct Joey on what he had confused with 'the long arm of the law.' She started to open her mouth to speak, but Joey cut across her:

"I mean, I always used protection! Even when Kathy and I were together, I was always careful…."

"Condoms aren't always foolproof, honey," Monica reminded Joey.

"Fun fact: condoms are only 97% effective!" At his wife's bemused look, Chandler curled into himself a little, even as he countered defensively, "What? It says so on the box!"

"When did you ever have time to read the box?" Monica asked her husband, amused.

"Before we were together, babe, let's just say I filled a lot of the time I wasn't getting any by memorizing all the stats on the condom boxes I never got to use!"

Monica chuckled.

Joey stood, glancing between his two best friends helplessly. "… Tell me what I'm supposed to do."

Chandler pursed his lips in thought. "Well, the only thing you can do… is make sure that Peyton knows you love her. And that nothing's ever gonna change that."

"Yeah, but that isn't enough! There's…. feeding and…. diapers!"

Monica giggled. "Joey, I'm pretty sure Peyton isn't in Huggies. When you think about it, you're lucky: you're coming in at a perfect age. Sure, there's still maintenance, but not as much as what Chandler and I have to deal with."

Chandler stared at her. "…. Maintenance? Are you talking about our twins or a couple of robots?" She whacked him on the arm.

"Yeah, but nobody really believes I can be a father!" Joey was babbling. "You heard Pheebs: she was laughing like it was some joke! Ross fainted when he heard!"

"What about with your sisters?" Monica threw out.

Joey wrinkled his nose. "That's different."

"Is it?" Monica regarded him gently. "You're the big brother, Joey. Remember when your sister Dinah got pregnant? Or…. when Phoebe and Mike got engaged and you asked Mike for his intentions. Those are the sorts of things a father would do – looking out for your kids. Chandler and I may need to provide for you for the rest of you life, but you're good at looking out for the ones you love, Joey! Do you think we would ever have left you alone with Jack and Erica if we didn't think you could handle it?"

Joey's face softened listening to Monica's impassioned speech. When he thought about it, she did raise a fair point. "But… but who will…?"

"We will," Chandler promised, stepping into his buddy with a fond smile. "Monica and I will help you. So will Ross, Rachel and Phoebe. We all will."

Joey visibly relaxed, glancing between the couple with a grateful, million-watt grin. "…. Thanks, guys."

The trio shared grins and they embraced in a group hug.

A/N: The blood test was partially inspired by a scene in the excellent Australian sitcom 800 Words, in which three different men are tested to determine the paternity of twin babies.