The words he told her churned in her stomach.
The story he told her twisted her heart.
But yet, they didn't loosen her grip.
Nikki still held Dean tightly in her arms, embracing him from behind.
For the first time since they met, there were no longer any mysteries.
No longer any vicious unknowns.
And having the secrets brought into the light, finally confronting them, seemed to weigh down on both of them even heavier than before.
Dean continued rotting in his grief and his guilt.
Nikki continued to wade lifelessly through her empathy.
And so they sat together, their tears bonding them together as they dried.
Dean could feel her breath on his back, the same way the breeze blew on him as he kneeled at the grave.
He could feel the rusty sharp gears in his heart that haven't turned in years.
Scraping and squealing as the teeth started to grind together.
The gears decayed overtime with sorrow and fault.
But as his tainted and sour memories began to oil and lubricate the rusted gears, they began to turn again.
Bringing his hand up, and resting it on Nikki's interlocked wrists.
Squeezing down on them, wanting to wrench them off.
He didn't hear Dawn's voice anymore.
Not in a ferocious echoing roar, or a slithering soft song.
But in his own mind, he reverted to back then. As if the recent years didn't happen at all.
He no longer thought he deserved Nikki's touch. He knew it. Without Dawn's influence at all.
But instead of letting go, feeling his hands increased her grip tighter.
Forcing a gasp of air from Dean's lungs.
"No."
She mumbled into his shirt.
"N-Nikki…please…"
"No."
Dean instead tried to straighten his back and stand up.
Even though he could lift her weight, she instead pressed herself harder down. Anchoring them to the bed.
"No."
"Nikki…please let me go…it…it hurts."
"Let it hurt."
Dean could feel his strength get sapped through her skin.
His will was there, he wanted her to let go.
Feeling her hands and her touched reignited every painful memory he had.
But there was no one left to pull his strings.
"Nikki…"
"I don't care."
"But…Nikki I-"
"I don't fucking care Dean."
"…why?"
He couldn't move.
Nikki didn't move.
Trapped in her grip, he was forced to listen to her labored cries she muffled into his shirt.
"You didn't kill her Dean."
"But I-"
"You didn't kill her. You're not a murderer."
The only thing Dean could move was his eyes.
And all he could look at were his hands.
The hands dipped in Dawn's blood.
"It was my fault Nikki. It was all my fault."
"No it wasn't."
"Yes it was. I pushed her away…it was my candle…I killed her Nikki."
"No you didn't. You say it again, I'll kill you myself."
She squeezed him even tighter.
"And if she was here right now, I'd kill her too."
Kneeling on this bed reminded Dean of kneeling down on the grass.
Dropping another bundle of flowers by her tombstone.
"I'm…just gonna push you away too Nikki."
"No you're not."
"I've pushed away everyone Nikki. Dawn…my parents…Molly…Becky…you're just gonna hate me too."
"No I'm not."
"You can't just say that Nikki…you can't."
"I can and I will. You need to shut up Dean."
He wanted to hear her words.
He wanted to feel her sincerity.
But his tortured ears only heard what they filtered through.
All he heard was her denial and her orders.
Telling him no and to be quiet.
The familiarity a venom coursing through his veins. Paralyzing him even more.
With one more assertive squeeze, Nikki turned her head up.
"Do you really think you're only the one broken here?"
He heard her call him broken.
"You think it's just you that has so much shit and burdens stacked on top of them?"
He heard her call him selfish.
"I fucking wish I could do what you did. I wish I could just forget everything I did with him and everything he did to me."
Her grip moved up, wrapping him around his chest.
"But I couldn't…and I can't. I think about him constantly Dean…I dream about him almost every night…"
She began to stutter her cries in between her words.
"And when I think about him, all I can feel is angry and stupid and sad and worthless…and…and…"
All Dean heard was his grief wasn't substantial, and undeserving.
"And I've lived my fucking life since then angry, stupid, sad, and fucking worthless."
She squeezed him tighter than she has before.
Pressing herself so hard into his back, he could feel her heartbeat.
"At least…you got to pretend…at least you got to live your life…"
Her heartbeat overpowered his.
With every passing moment, with every word drenched in sorrow, Dean began to feel less and less of himself.
And for those few moments, vanishing seemed like a relief to him.
"So don't…don't you fucking…don't you fucking dare give up…"
However, his ears couldn't filter that phrase out.
Her words shocking Dean like a defibrillator.
Bringing him back to more than just life.
"Don't you fucking dare stop being who you are…"
Another shock, jump starting everything in his body.
"She hurt you…you remember her…you've done things you regret…so just fucking live with it…"
The filters failed to catch her words anymore.
Everything Nikki said Dean not only heard, but felt.
"Because if you give up…and change…and leave me behind…I'll never fucking forgive you…"
As her grip tightened on him, the air and oxygen she squeezed out of him she used for herself. Heightening her voice more and more.
"Because I am never letting go Dean! I am never letting you go!"
The more and more her heart told him, the more and more her lungs couldn't keep up.
Her throat and tongue couldn't translate everything else her heart wanted to say, so all she could do and all Dean could hear was her sobs.
With every loud sorrowed roar, her grip released more and more.
Dean could feel the gap between them now.
And with the first long deep breath, every emotion Nikki surpressed in his chest poured out.
"Nikki…I don't deserve-"
"Shut up! Just shut up!"
With another aggressive squeeze, she forcefully turned him around.
The violent spin brought him down to his elbows, having to look up at her for the first time since what felt like a lifetime ago.
The last time he saw her, she didn't know anything.
And now, drowning in her tears, Nikki forced Dean's attention on her.
"You don't get to decide that you mother fucker! It's not up to you to decide who or what the fuck you deserve!"
She tried containing everything else except her anger, but her sadness and blurred mix of emotions creeped their way out too.
"You're not a fucking killer! You're not some worthless pathetic piece of shit! You're not some…some…whatever the fuck else you think you are."
Her grief froze solid, becoming too much weight for her head to bear.
Bringing her head down, her anger not strong enough to hold it back up.
"I'm sick of letting this godforsaken world pass me by…I'm sick of running away and leaving everything behind…I'm sick of crying myself to sleep and I'm sick of waking up more and more scared every day…"
Her sorrow wanted her hands to drop, her frustration wanted to squeeze tighter.
Her fingers and shoulders twitched as her body couldn't decide.
"You're…you're the first person to change that Dean…"
Her elbows sunk down, but she gripped Dean's face tightly with just her trembling fingertips.
"You're the first…person…to make me feel like I'm worth anything at all."
She was able to look up through her short swaying bangs, showing Dean her eyes again.
"The first person who trusted me…confided in me…helped me…needed me…"
She had to take in thin breaths through her clenched teeth.
"The first person who made me feel like…me. Not the shallow and lonely camgirl who skimmed through life in denial every fucking second of every fucking day."
She reached down and cupped Dean's hand, bringing it to her cheek.
"This is me, Dean. This. This stupid little blubbering mess that wants to be wanted… no matter what may be wrong with me…"
With her free hand, she gently caressed Dean's face.
"And you're you. This…stupid…awkward little man…that deserves to be wanted…no matter what's wrong with you either…or what has happened…"
Her weeps bounced her body like hiccups.
With every small jump, moving in closer and closer to him.
"Please Dean…don't let her hold you back anymore…please…"
The grip on both of her hands failed as they fell limp.
Her hand peeled off his skin, as his hand fell back to the bed and braced his body up.
"I know it's scary…believe me I fucking know…I know it sucks…"
She didn't have the strength to wipe her own tears away.
"It hurts so much…I know…and I know you are hurting so much fucking more than me…"
She lost the strength to sit up straight, her back beginning to slouch as the back of her hands sunk into the bed.
"But…you don't have to suffer alone Dean…can't we just…suffer together?"
Her heart felt like it was tied in a knot, her chest painfully tightening up in a ball.
"Can…can I be selfish for just one second? And ask you…if you'll hurt with me instead?"
The knot twisted and rotated, the jolt of pain forcing out a whimper from her throat.
She brought her hand to her chest, her body wanting to rip out the source of constant pain.
"We can…we can be broken together Dean…we don't have to be alone anymore…"
The knot growing bigger, suppressing her lungs against the inner walls of her body.
Every word, every breath, more difficult than the last.
"Please…please Dean…it hurts but it doesn't have to hurt this much…please…ple-"
She could feel a grip on her shoulder.
A grip that wouldn't let her body sink down any further.
As she tore her eyes open, through the blurred lines of her tears and her hair she could see the arm the grip was attached to.
Releasing her heart, she wiped away the blurs.
Following the arm down, it was attached to Dean.
On his knees, his head lung so low she couldn't see his face at all.
"D-Dean?"
She could feel his fingers quiver.
"Dean?"
She could feel how weak his grip was, ready to fall back down if she moved at all.
So she placed her hand on top, keeping it there.
And after feeling her touch, she could see Dean shake his head.
"I…I…"
His voice was as rough as sandpaper.
"I…I'm sorry Nikki. I-"
"Stop…just stop."
Dean finally looked back up.
Looking up at her while she glared down at him.
"Stop…what are you apologizing for?"
"B-because…I-"
"Did you not hear a single fucking word I just said to you?"
"I…I…"
"Stand up and face me goddammit!"
She slunk her hand down his arm, gripping him by the collar of his shirt.
With one quick pull, she pulled him up to his knees.
"Did you not hear me at all?! What the fuck are you saying sorry for?!"
"No-no I did…I-"
She growled, before clutching the other side of his shirt and dragging him in close. Close enough to feel the warm breath her words ignited.
"Then why are you sorry?! Huh?!"
"I-I-"
"For what?! Being sad?! Scared?!"
"I..Nikki I-"
"Sorry for what?! Thinking you're not good enough for this?! For me?! Because you think you weren't good enough for her?! Because you think you deserved the shit she put you through?!"
"I…b-but-"
"Well guess what, I'm not her Dean! And if you are so convinced you are some worthless fucking little mess, then I am too!"
"No no Nikki I-"
"Then I don't deserve you either! I don't fucking deserve anything you-"
"I don't want to hurt anymore!"
After his outburst, the only thing left in the room was their exhausted gasps for air.
"I don't…"
His voice died down, as Nikki slowly let him back down.
"I don't want to hurt anymore Nikki. I don't want to be scared anymore."
Despite how much his eyes wanted to cry, he never stopped looking at her.
"I don't want to feel this way anymore, I don't want to be trapped by this anymore."
Nikki returned every ounce of eye contact Dean gave her.
"…I don't either Dean. But-"
"But it will never stop Nikki. Just because it may not hurt as much right now or tomorrow doesn't mean it won't hurt as much again."
"…that doesn't mean-"
"We are just setting ourselves up…we're just gonna get hurt again…"
"…duh."
"W-what?"
"Of course we're gonna hurt again Dean. That's how life works."
"But…but…"
"We both tried so hard to forget our pain, both in our own shitty ways."
"…yeah…but I don't want to hurt you Nikki."
"How?"
"Huh?"
"How would you hurt me?"
"I…I…"
"Whatever it is, it's the same way I could hurt you too Dean."
"…I-"
"It's life Dean. Nothing and no one is perfect. Just please. Stop looking for a way to go through life without ever feeling an ounce of pain. Because you can't."
"…but-"
"Stop putting these expectations on yourself you know you can't ever reach."
"…"
"Please…let yourself be happy. It's okay to be happy. You can be happy, no matter how painful life can and will get."
"…"
"Making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person. You can regret them and remember them all you want, but moving on doesn't make you a bad person either."
"…"
"You can carry all this shit on your shoulders and in the back of your mind…and still be happy."
"…"
"So please…will you stop apologizing for being a normal person? And just…be happy? For me?"
Staring into her eyes, her blue iris shining away the shadows and darkness on his conscious.
Absorbed by her graze, Dean can feel Dawn and all his grief.
But yet, he can feel them be pushed away. Becoming nothing but distant memories.
Not loud enough for him to hear.
Not strong enough for him to feel.
Not big enough to scare him anymore.
And in the empty space they once occupied, Dean can feel Nikki take their place.
"…only if you do too."
"…deal."
Together, they closed their eyes and leaned forward.
Their foreheads softly embracing, supporting each other up.
Nikki spoke up first, her voice tender and plush.
"I don't want to cry or be scared anymore either Dean."
Dean responded, trying to match her softness.
"I know Nikki."
Nikki shifted her forehead around, nuzzling her nose into his.
"I don't want to live the rest of my life alone and miserable."
"I know."
Dean could feel her grin on his cheek.
With a gentle moan, she said to him
"I don't want you to hurt either Dean."
Nikki waited for his response, expecting it to be the same.
But instead, Dean stopped all his motion.
Even as he remained still, Nikki continued to nuzzle into him.
She can feel his warm breath radiate over her lips.
"So what 'do' you want?"
His response held her still as well.
After feeling him for a few more moments, she slowly brought herself away from his face.
Together they opened their eyes, stopping about half way.
Neither gave the other an expression.
But from below his neck, Dean could feel Nikki's smooth fingers and palms climb and cradle his cheeks.
With only a slow and steady blink, Nikki was able to conjure up her response.
"I…think I want to love you."
Dean didn't blink, he instead continued to stare into her eyes.
The moonlight turning the bright blue into a piercing indigo.
Lost in her eyes, Dean's mind began the process of deciding what to do next.
Except, it skipped a couple of steps.
It glanced over the precaution.
It skipped over the doubt.
It removed the what-if's.
And easier then ever before, it ignored Dawn and her memories.
And so his mind jumped right to the final step. His first thought, his true unfiltered reaction.
"I want to love you too."
In the silence, neither of their expressions changed.
Eyes half open, his face in her hands.
But with a gentle smile and a delicate voice, Nikki whispered to him
"Then do it."
And so through their lips, tongues, and their hearts, the two embraced each other again.
"Mmm…I….Dean I…mmm…"
"…"
"Mmm…just…ahh…don't stop…kissing me but…mmm…but…take my clothes off too…okay?"
"…c-can I?"
"Yes yes…don't ask…you don't have to ask…just…ahh…do whatever you want…"
"…o-okay…uh…"
"Mmm…my pants first? You…little rascal…"
"Oh, was I not suppos-"
"No no no, it's fine. It's sexy, go on."
"Okay…uh…"
"Come here, keep kissing me."
"Okay…mmm…"
"Hm? Dean, you okay?"
"Y-yeah, just…"
"Can't concentrate?"
"No no…uh…"
"Well then come on, kiss me and do the zipper at the same time."
"I want to…I…I…"
"What's the matter?"
"I'm just…out of breath honestly."
"Oh gotcha gotcha."
"Yeah…sorry…"
"No no, it's okay. Here, I'll lay down. Go on, go on."
"Alright…"
"Hehe, you going slow on purpose? Teasing me a little bit?"
"….yes?"
"Dean it's okay. It's not like it's anything you haven't seen already."
"Uh….right…uh…"
"Alright, hold on a second."
"No no! I'm sorry, I'm not trying to-"
"Shh shh shh. It's okay, I'm not mad."
"Look, I really want to do this. I just genuinely have no idea and-"
"Shh shh shh. It's okay. It's okay."
"…you sure? I don't wanna ruin this…"
"You aren't, and you won't. We'll just take it slow."
"…thank you."
"Ofcourse Dean. Here, give me your hands. There you go, both sides. And just…slip them…"
"…wow…uh…"
"What's up?"
"N-nothing! Nothing."
"Nope, not escaping this time. Tell me what you like Dean."
"Uh…every-"
"Don't say everything. Specifically."
"…your…um…u-underwear is nice…I guess…"
"Aww, that was sweet. Thank you Dean."
"You're welcome…uh…"
"Do what you think feels right Dean."
"Uh…well…uh…"
"What do you think you should do next?"
"Um…should I…"
"Hmm?"
"I don't know, what am I supposed to do next?"
"Do what you want to do Dean. There isn't a right or wrong here. Any step is the next step."
"Fu- okay…um…sh-should I…t-take mine…o-o-o-off?"
"Do you want to or want me to do it?"
"Huh?!"
"Haha, what, didn't think that was an option?"
"Uh…uh…"
"I think you want me to do it. Come here."
"…okay…um…want me to step off the bed or-"
"Nope, just come climb over me."
"Wha- huh?"
"On your knees, walk over me."
"Oh…uh…okay…"
"There you go, bring yourself to me."
"…I'm not crushing you, right?"
"Nope. Not at all. A little more, tuck your knees under my arms."
"O-okay…whoa whoa..ha…"
"You okay?"
"Yeah…yeah…just uh…wasn't thinking you were gonna rub my legs."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Did you not like it?"
"No no…I…I liked it. I didn't mean to…react like that."
"It's okay, I like seeing your reactions."
"Ha…uh…"
"Ready?"
"…yeah…I think so…"
"Remember, just tell me to stop if you need me to."
"Okay…okay…"
"Okay Dean, here we go. Just…gonna…pop the button…"
"…"
"And…grab the zipp- ohp."
"What? What is it?"
"I can feel you through your pants already."
"Ah! Sorry! Sor-"
"Hey hey hey hey, come here. Come here, kiss me."
"I…mmm…"
"…easy now. That's a good thing Dean."
"…it is?"
"Yes, you're excited. For me. It makes me excited too."
"Geez…okay…"
"My God you're so adorable."
"…"
"Okay, here comes the zipper. There we…go."
"…"
"Okay, see? Not so bad."
"…"
"Okay, now…uh…"
"Huh? What is it?"
"Uh…we didn't think this through enough."
"What do you-"
"Can't really get your pants off with you kneeling over me like this, can we?"
"Oh."
"Haha, oh my god. Okay, no problem. Just shuffle down a little bit."
"O-okay…."
"Alright, stay there. I'm just gonna…crawl out from under you…"
"…"
"Alrighty. Now…huh. Actually…"
"What now?"
"Just…stay there. I wanna…"
"Oh Jesus…"
"Mmm, does that tickle? You like my fingers under your shirt? On your…abs?"
"I….sh-shutup. I don't have abs."
"Uh-huh. Wow…you're so smooth under here Dean."
"…"
"Are my hands cold?"
"…no…"
"You like me rubbing you like this?"
"…y-yeah…"
"Okay, lift your arms."
"…"
"There goes the shirt, and there you are."
"…"
"Don't turn away Dean. Look at me."
"…"
"It's okay…it's your turn."
"…"
"Grab my shirt…there you go…"
"…"
"Pull and…there. Just toss it."
"…"
"You can look Dean."
"…"
"…touch them."
"…"
"Here, take your hands…and just…like that."
"…oh…"
"Mmm, you're so gentle. Come on, squeeze them. Do what you want with them."
"…uh…"
"There you go, there you go."
"…does…"
"Hm?"
"…does this…actually…feel good to you?"
"Yes, it feels great Dean."
"…really?"
"Yup. You like touching them?"
"…"
"Come on, you can say it."
"…yeah…"
"You're so sweet. Here, hold on one sec."
"Huh?"
"Take your hands, and put them over my shoulders, like that."
"Okay…"
"Reach around me, to my back."
"…okay…"
"Now pull me in."
"Huh?"
"Pull me in Dean. Hold me close to you."
"…Uh…"
"Good, there you- Dean."
"W-what?"
"Are you…are you moving your hips back?"
"What-what do you mean?"
"Why are…Dean."
"What?"
"You little…don't back away from me. Haha, come on."
"…I'm not…"
"Yes you are. Look at how you're leaning- just…"
"…I'm sorry…"
"No no no, it's okay. It's okay. Here, kiss me. Just kiss me."
"Oka-mmm…"
"Okay, look, just scooch off the bed and take your pants all the way off."
"Uh…o-okay…"
"My bad, jeans can be the enemy sometimes."
"O-okay…uh…th-there."
"Don't turn away Dean, come back here."
"…"
"Come on, do what you were doing again. Hands over my shoulders."
"…"
"…you're backing away again."
"…sorry…I…"
"Shh. Shh. It's okay. I'll do it."
"…"
"Don't back away…press into me…I want to feel you against me…"
"…s-sorry…"
"For what?"
"Uh…I'm…it's…poking you…"
"It's okay Dean, don't be embarrassed by it."
"…"
"Look at me. There you go."
"…"
"Do you like it? Feeling me this close to you?"
"…yeah…"
"Okay, now. I want you to reach down behind me, and take my bra off."
"…"
"Yup, come on. I can feel your fingers."
"…okay…"
"You gotta lift and pull apart."
"…"
"No no, not that way. Like, left to right."
"…"
"No, don't tug it like that, I can feel you tugging."
"I'm…trying Nikki. How do you…"
"Two hands. Use two hands."
"I have been…but it won't…"
"Like, squeeze the two sides together, lift, and pull."
"Squeeze them and what? Is it not just Velcro?"
"Wha-no. Ofcourse it's not Velcro, why would it be Velcro?"
"Because…I don't know, I just figured that…god dammit I can't do it."
"You gotta learn Dean."
"Do I? This is really…starting to piss me off."
"Don't get pissed. Focus. Think of it like little hooks or something- ow ow."
"Oh shit, you okay? Did I pinch you?"
"Yeah, it's fine. I do it to myself all the time."
"Shit, I'm sorry. But like, how the fuck do these things work?"
"Squeeze and pull Dean."
"Squeeze what?"
"The two…the two…I don't know, fuck, the two halves of it."
"The two halves?"
"The sides where they meet in the middle you doofus."
"Ooohhh."
"Fuck, what do you mean 'ooooh?'"
"I didn't think there were two…like even sides, I thought it was just one side of…shit…"
"Hmm-mmm. Come on, almost there."
"Shit, can I like peek over you?"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
"Because you gotta learn!"
"Can't I learn another time?"
"Nope, learn now."
"I…fuck….fuck…"
"Dean, relax."
"I'm trying."
"What's the problem?"
"I…the problem is I can't…can't…figure out the stupid thing and I really wanna take your fucking bra off."
"I…whoa."
"…"
"…"
"…I…I just meant that-"
"Shh."
"…"
"Do you have any idea…"
"…"
"…how much you just turned me on when you said that?"
"Uh…umm…"
"Here, let go. I'll start it, you finish it."
"…"
"And…there. Go on Dean. Do it."
"…"
"Take my fucking bra off."
"…okay…"
"Oh man…ha…yeah, just throw it."
"…"
"So…you like them?"
"…"
"Touch them…"
"…"
"Whoa-ha."
"Sorry! Sor-"
"No no, don't you dare let go. Put them back, put them back."
"Oh-uh-uh-I…o-okay…"
"Oh wow…hehe."
"Uh…"
"Don't worry, I like it Dean. I like this a lot. I just…wow I forgot what it felt like. When someone else does it."
"…"
"Wow…wow it feels so much better without the bra on…um…."
"…"
"Um…c-can you…maybe grab them a little tighter?"
"…"
"…please?"
"…Okay…uh…."
"There you…oh geez…"
"…"
"Um…"
"Y-yeah?"
"…You…you don't have to…but…"
"What is it?"
"…Um…do you wanna…suck on them?"
"…uh…"
"You don't have to, trust me. We can always…try later. But…if you wanna…try…"
"…sure…sure…uh…"
"Cool….uh…"
"…"
"…hehe…hehe…"
"…are you laughing?"
"No. No."
"…"
"…okay yes, it tickles the way you do it."
"Oh…but…how else can I-?"
"Shh shh shh. It's okay, it's okay. Another time."
"You sure?"
"Yes…yes…"
"Okay…uh…"
"Tell me Dean…what do you want to do?"
"…"
"Look at me, at all of me."
"…"
"…what do you want?"
"…"
"I can see your eyes wander down Dean."
"…"
"…you wanna finish undressing me?"
"…"
"Then say it."
"…I-I…"
"Hmm?"
"W-w-want…uh…"
"Okay, calm down."
"Huh?"
"The stuttering is cute, but I think the both of us are getting anxious at this point. Right?"
"…maybe."
"Maybe? You're not feeling a little impatient?"
"Well…those aren't the same thi-"
"No no no, come on. Haha, not the time for a vocab lesson Dean."
"Sorry…sorry…"
"So come on, what do you wanna do?"
"…I…want to…take…the rest off."
"…cool."
"Uh…s-so uh…are you-"
"I'm not gonna do anything Dean. Either you do it, or tell me to do it."
"…"
"You wanna make me feel good?"
"Huh!? Uh…I mean…yeah…"
"Okay, and if you tell me what to do, it'll make me feel good."
"Oh…uh…okay…uh…"
"Hmm-mmm."
"Um…l-lay down?"
"Huh?"
"…please?"
"Stop. Stop being so cute."
"I'm not trying to be."
"Don't ask Dean. Tell."
"…lay down."
"…yes sir."
"…"
"…"
"…w-what now?"
"You tell me."
"…"
"…"
"…d-do I-"
"Just rip my panties off Dean."
"Okay! Okay, I…like…like actually rip them off or-"
"For the love of God, don't actually rip them. Just take them off quickly."
"Okay okay okay."
"…"
"…."
"…wow. You were good at that part."
"…h-huh?"
"You slid them right off my legs like you've done it before."
"N-no! I-I-I j-just…."
"Shh. Shh."
"…shit, I'm really fucking this up."
"No Dean, no. Don't think like that."
"No, I am. I shouldn't…I don't know why everything is so fucking difficult for me."
"It's okay Dean. You're nervous, it's perfectly okay to be nervous your first time."
"But i'm not some dumb teenager Nikki. I'm a grown ass man and yet you're lying there naked in front of me and I can't even fucking look at you."
"…why do you think that is?"
"I don't know. I really don't fucking know."
"Are you…scared? Embarrassed?"
"I've been embarrassed this whole time. But I just…just…"
"What is it Dean?"
"God, I just can't stop thinking I don't deserve you. I don't deserve any of this."
"…"
"I want this…I want you so fucking bad…b-but I know I won't be good enough. I…can't be as good-"
"Shut up."
"But Nikki I-"
"Shut up."
"…I-"
"Shut the fuck up."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…take your underwear off. Now."
"…huh?"
"Take them off!"
"Okay! Okay..uh…uh…"
"Come here."
"…o-okay-"
"Spread my fucking legs."
"…o-okay…oh Jesus…"
"…do you wanna lick me?"
"Huh?"
"Do you wanna fucking lick me or not?!"
"…I-I will if-"
"Not me, you! Do you want to?!"
"Not really!"
"…"
"…I…I'm sorry Nikki…it's just…"
"Hehe."
"Huh?"
"That's fine Dean. That's okay."
"You're…not mad?"
"No, ofcourse not."
"…but why were you yelling?"
"See how much progress we made?"
"I…oh."
"As much as I wanted to take it nice and slow Dean, the longer it took the longer the doubt was kicking in."
"….right."
"And the quicker we moved, the more honest you were too."
"…yeah."
"And really, it's okay to say no. Always be honest with me. Never feel like you have to say yes, just for me."
"…okay."
"So, before we really get into this, I'll ask you one last time. Is there anything else you wanna do?"
"…"
"Don't be shy or embarrassed Dean."
"…"
"…three two one go!"
"Ah! I wanna kiss your belly…"
"…"
"…"
"…you know I really should have seen that coming."
"Uh…it's nothing…it's nothing…just-"
"That whole belly thing from the story should have been all I needed."
"Thats not…"
"You a belly man Dean?"
"Huh!?"
"Come on, don't act like that, it's sweet. Of all things someone like you could have said, liking bellies is so cute."
"…what do you mean by someone like me?"
"A closet virgin freak."
"I- hey."
"Haha, stop, don't make me laugh."
"I'm not trying to!"
"Come on, go ahead."
"I- oh shit."
"What?"
"…really?"
"Yes, really."
"…uh…thanks Nikki. Um…"
"Just put your head between my legs."
"…"
"Don't be afraid to look at other things too."
"…"
"There you go. Just…go on. Do…what you wanna do."
"…"
"…whoa."
"…"
"Holy…whoa, okay."
"Are you-"
"No no, don't stop."
"Oh…sorry…"
"No no, it's…it's fine…I just…wow I didn't think it would feel like that."
"…does it feel good?"
"It feels amazing…wow…"
"…"
"….ah…wh-when you did realize you liked…liked…bellies so much Dean?"
"…not long ago."
"R-really? When?"
"…the other night. With you."
"…ah…r-really?"
"…yeah. I wouldn't even really…say I'm a 'belly man.' "
"…really? B-because…you…are…really going to…t-town there…"
"…nah. I…just really like yours."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Nikki?"
"…yeah?"
"Are…are you crying?"
"…no. I'm just…"
"…"
"Just…really happy."
"…"
"…hey…Dean?"
"…yeah?"
"….are you ready?"
"…"
"…"
"…I think so."
"Okay. Okay."
"…"
"…okay…back up a bit."
"…"
"…up on your knees…please."
"…"
"Can I see it Dean?"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…you don't have to look away Dean."
"…"
"I'm…so happy I get to be your first."
"…"
"I'm happy I'm the first one to see it Dean. It's really nice."
"…th…th…"
"Hmm?"
"…thanks…"
"Hm-mm. It looks ready as well."
"…"
"Okay…come here Dean."
"…"
"There you go…bring it right…here."
"…"
"…look at me."
"…"
"…can you come kiss me?"
"…okay…"
"…mmm. I didn't even have to tell you to lean over me like this."
"…"
"…just whisper…are you ready?"
"…yes…"
"…you want to do this?"
"…yes…"
"…okay…I want to do this too…"
"…"
"…I'm ready Dean…"
"…"
"…you can put it inside…"
"…"
"…ah…"
"…"
"…hm?"
"…"
"…Dean?"
"…"
"…you okay?"
"…"
"…it's alright. Take your time."
"…"
"…do you…need help?"
"…"
"…putting it in?"
"…"
"…what's the matter sweetie?"
"…I…I don't-"
"Whisper."
"Sorry…sorry…"
"Go ahead."
"I…I know it's not…"
"Shh. What is it?"
"…I won't hurt you….right?"
"…No. It won't hurt at all. You're gonna make me feel really good Dean."
"…but I-"
"Shh shh shh."
"…"
"…can I touch it?"
"…"
"…can I?"
"…yeah…"
"Okay…I'm gonna reach down…look at me."
"…"
"Keep looking at me…don't look away…I'm gonna…touch it-"
"Gah…fuck…"
"Shh shh shh. Look at me. Look at me."
"..I…I-I am…"
"Look at me. Look at me."
"…"
"…does it feel good?"
"…"
"…does it feel good Dean?"
"…y-yeah…"
"Good. Good."
"…"
"Keep looking at me."
"…"
"…now…I'm gonna…put it close."
"Shi-"
"Shh shh shh."
"…"
"…do you feel that Dean?"
"…"
"…feel how…wet…I am?"
"…"
"…it means I'm ready for you Dean."
"…"
"…it means I want you."
"…okay…"
"…I'll hold it…okay?"
"…"
"…okay…now…slowly…"
"…"
"Push…gently…more..a..l-little…m-more…"
"…oh my g-"
"M-more…ah…ah…"
"…"
"…ha…ah…ah…"
"…"
"…y-you did it…"
"…oh my god…"
"…you…you did it Dean…"
"…"
"…you're inside of me…"
"…"
"…k-kiss me…"
"…"
"Mmm….mmm…"
"…"
"…how do I feel Dean?"
"…you feel a-amazing Nikki…"
"…thank you…"
"Ah…ah…"
"…it's all on you now Dean."
"…"
"…you can move…"
"…"
"Th-there you…g-go…now…p-push in again…"
"…"
"F-f….yes…y-yes there you go…again…"
"Jesu- ah…"
"Yes…yes…there you go…there you g-go…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…you c-can…make noises Dean…"
"…"
"…if you want…"
"…"
"Ah…ah…mmm…"
"…ah?"
"Hehe…o-okay, don't f-force yourself either…"
"…o-oka- fucking…Christ…"
"Ooh, there you g-go.."
"…my God…"
"…Dean?"
"Y-yeah?"
"…whatever…happens…j-just let it…okay?"
"…huh?"
"…whatever…I do…whatever noises…I make…just…let me…okay?"
"…o-okay…"
"And…whatever…you w-wanna do…and whatever noises you…wanna m-make…just do them…okay?"
"…o-o…o-okay Nikki."
"…okay…kiss me…"
"…"
"Mmm…"
"…"
"…go faster now…"
"…j-jesus…"
"Ah…hehe…you're…doing…g-g-great D-Dean…"
"…"
"You're d-doing…gah! Oh my god, you're doing so good…fuck…"
"…Ah…"
"…sh-shit…oh my go-o-od…"
"…"
"D-don't-t-t…st-stop…"
"…fuck…"
"…God…just fucking use me…Dean…"
"…"
"…f-fuck…everything you've gone though…e-everything…thats happened…"
"…fu-fuck…"
"Everything you've been…f-feeling…all of it…"
"…"
"Mad…hate…s-sad…frustrated…l-lonely…everything…"
"…Jesu-fucking…"
"Everything…you've bottled up…your entire fucking life…fuck…fuck…fuck just pump it into me…"
"…"
"Let me…t-take all of it…away…"
"…Ah…ah…"
"Yes…yes…y-yes…"
"…"
"Fuck you're so good…you feel so good…"
"…"
"Fuck me…as hard as you fucking can…yes…y-yes…"
"Ah…f-fu…"
"God I've never felt this…fucking…good…b-before…"
"…"
"Yes…ah….ah…my…g-g-god…I…can feel it Dean…"
"…"
"I can…f-feel you…leaving everything…else behind…"
"…"
"I'm…so fucking happy you're here with me…"
"…"
"I'm so fucking happy-y-y you're…moving on…with me-e-e."
"…"
"N-nothing….else…matters…"
"…"
"Fuck everything else…that happened…and everyone else…that hurt us…"
"…"
"It's just….y-you and…me-e-e…"
"…f-fu…"
"…fuck me…fuck me Dean…fuck me…"
"…"
"Ah…a-a-ah…"
"…fuck Nikki I…"
"…"
"I'm-"
"Do it….do it Dean…"
"…b-but-"
"Don't fucking stop…don't fucking stop…"
"…"
"Y-y-y-ye-e-s…do it…do it…"
"Fu-fu…"
"Let it all go…yes..yes…"
"I'm…fuck!"
"Ah fuck yes! Cum in me Dean!"
"Fu-ah…"
"Yes! Yes, don't stop!"
"Ah-h-h!"
"Yes…I love you!"
"…"
"I love you."
"…j-Jesus…"
"I…love you."
"…Ah…ah…"
"…I love you Dean…"
"…"
"…thank you…"
"…"
"…thank you…"
"…"
"…"
"…I love you too Nikki."
"J-just…stay there…a second…"
"O-okay…"
"Holy…mother of…"
"Uh…how did I do?"
"How did you do? How did you do?"
"…yeah?"
"Dean…that was incredible."
"…really?"
"That was probably the best sex I ever had in my life."
"…no way."
"Yes, I'm not joking."
"B-but…it didn't last very long and-"
"Shh shh shh. Hey hey hey, no complaining."
"Well I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong."
"Haha, you sly dog you. Gimme a kiss."
"Okay."
"Mmm. Really Dean. I mean it."
"Really?"
"Yes. I…never felt that good before."
"…oh geez."
"Haha, don't be a nerd."
"I'm not trying to be. So does that mean you…uh…"
"I what?"
"Did you…you know."
"Cum?"
"…yeah, that."
"…"
"…I knew it."
"No no no, come on. I don't have to cum for it to be the best sex of my life."
"…you don't?"
"Not…this time. It's one hell of an exception."
"..fuck it, good enough for me."
"Haha…I fucking love you Dean."
"I love you too Nikki."
"Mmm."
"…it feels really good saying that."
"Yeah it does, doesn't it?"
"…"
"So. How you feeling?"
"…amazing."
"Yeah?"
"And…the happiest I've been my entire life."
"Aww."
"…I never want this to end."
"And what's that?"
"…just being with you."
"…same here."
"Cool."
"Cool."
"…"
"…"
"…so should I…"
"Oh, shit. Yeah yeah yeah, go ahead. Slowly though."
"Oka-whoa whoa whoa."
"What's the matter?"
"Fuck…whoa…that's…"
"Haha, sensitive?"
"Yeah, fucking hell."
"I told you to do it slowly."
"I am."
"Not slowly enough."
"I'm not King Arthur, leave me alone."
"Sorry m'lord. Dist' thou' unsheathe thine cock from-"
"Stop stop stop stop stop."
"Haha, sorry."
"Alright…there. Man, that felt weird."
"You'll get used to it."
"Cool. So…want me to get some wipes or-"
"No no, just…cuddle me. Don't worry about that stuff for now."
"Okay."
"Cool, yeah. Just come here and- whoa, where you going?"
"What?"
"Don't you wanna snuggle up with me?"
"Yes, ofcourse."
"So what are you over there for? Come here on this side, put your head on my chest."
"That sounds nice but…"
"But what?"
"But I'm gonna do this instead."
"I don't underst-"
"Shh."
"…"
"…how's that?"
"…"
"Is being the little spoon as nice as you thought it'd be?"
"…"
"You gave me a lap pillow, so i'll be the big spoon for you. Like you wanted."
"…"
"…Nikki?"
"…y-yeah?"
"…you okay?"
"…yeah…"
"…do you not want me to-"
"Don't let me go…don't…"
"Oh, okay. Okay."
"…I love this so much…"
"…good."
"…I love you Dean."
"…I love you too Nikki."
"…if this didn't feel so fucking amazing, I'd turn around and get on top of you so I can love you some more."
"That's okay, another time."
"Okay. You feeling worn out?"
"Yeah…yeah I can't lie."
"I don't blame you, that got intense."
"Yup."
"…so how do you feel?"
"Hmm?"
"How are you feeling? Since, you know. You're not a virgin anymore."
"Um…honestly it's not even really on my mind."
"Really?"
"Yeah, really."
"So…what was on your mind? During it?"
"At first, just you."
"Really?"
"Yup. I was nervous and embarrassed and excited, all at the same time. But I wasn't really thinking about 'oh my God I'm finally getting laid.'"
"So what were you thinking about?"
"Mostly that 'oh my God, I can't wait to make love to you.' "
"Aww…Dean."
"And then, later on in the middle of it, when you started talking about…like, all of the negative stuff."
"Yeah?"
"A lot of it ran through my mind. Dawn, Becky, my family, being alone all this time and whatnot. But when you said you'd take it all away…it really felt like you did."
"Really?"
"Really. I'd think about whatever it was, then I'd see you and…feel you. And…a couple…seconds later, the thought was gone."
"…I'm so…happy it worked for you Dean."
"Thank you Nikki. Really."
"You're welcome."
"…"
"…"
"…did…did it work for you too?"
"Huh?"
"Did I get rid of all the stuff bothering you too?"
"…one hundred percent."
"Seriously?"
"Yes, seriously. I feel like…everything I was missing you gave to me."
"Everything?"
"Everything. I don't care about him, where my life is at, none of it right now. Feeling you next to me…hearing you talk to me…it's all I want and need."
"…cool."
"Yeah."
"…"
"…"
"…almost like we were the missing pieces to each others puzzle. Right?"
"…sure."
"Wha- sure?"
"You're the expert Nikki."
"Fuck you bitch. I love you so much."
"I love you too."
"…"
"…"
"…is…is it bad I'm already getting excited for next time?"
"…for next what?"
"…Dean."
"Oh oh oh. Uh…honestly if I wasn't so tired right now, I couldn't promise I wouldn't try again."
"Ooh, you rascal."
"Hey hey hey, you're a rascal too."
"Yeah yeah yeah."
"…is it weird if I call you my rascal?"
"It'd be weird if you didn't."
"Got'cha."
"But no, I'm your rascal. You're right. Especially if you can do it that good again."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah…you hit all the good spots."
"…I did?"
"Yup. My toes were curling…my back was arching…"
"Come on, I know you're bullshitting."
"Why would I bullshit about this?"
"Because you wanna do it again since you didn't…you know."
"…you can say cum Dean."
"I know I can, I just don't want to."
"…seriously? What's wrong with cum?"
"I dunno, never really liked saying it."
"It's not like it's a slur or something."
"Well duh. I just…I don't know. I never really was a dirty talker."
"How could you be?"
"Exactly and- hey."
"Haha, come on. You can't be offended by virgin jokes anymore."
"Alright, fair enough."
"Sooner than later Dean, this will all get a lot easier and more natural for you."
"You….you….you got it."
"…that was a lot of big yawns."
"Yup, yes it….was."
"Don't stay up just for me Dean. Go ahead and close your eyes, I won't be too far behind."
"Okay…okay."
"Quick, Dean. One question."
"What's up?"
"…what do you wanna do tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow?"
"Yeah."
"Uh….shit I haven't thought that far ahead. I gotta go to work in the morning."
"…oh, right."
"…you know what, I'll call out."
"Huh? No no, Dean don't miss work just for-"
"Shh shh. It's alright. I have a million hours saved up anyway."
"You do?"
"Yeah. Plus…I don't know about Becky."
"Oh shit…"
"…it's alright. I…I really can't stay mad at her."
"Huh?"
"Yeah. Like, what she did was wrong. But I understand she just…completely misread the whole situation but…"
"…but what Dean? It doesn't matter what she thought, you don't do that to someone. And she's done it too many times."
"…I know. I know. But…"
"But what?"
"…it doesn't feel right."
"What do you mean?"
"Being mad at her."
"…"
"For…loving me."
"…"
"…we're a bunch of fucked up people living fucked up lives Nikki. Me and you seemed to have been in the right place at the right time for each other."
"…"
"I guess I was in the right place and right time for her. Just…not the other way around."
"…yeah. It doesn't make what she did right…but…I guess I can't blame her. I fell in love with you too after all."
"Yeah. It'll be a lot easier to forgive her than it will be to stay mad at her."
"…you're a good guy Dean."
"Thanks…thanks."
"…you still gonna call out?"
"Yeah. Can you remind me tomorrow if you wake up before me?"
"You got it."
"Cool…goodnight Nikki."
"Goodnight Dean."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…hey Nikki?"
"Yeah?"
"…you still gonna be here when I wake up tomorrow?"
"Huh?"
"…this isn't just a dream, right?"
"…nope. I'm really here Dean."
"Cool…me too."
"Cool."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"…I love you."
"…I love you too."