Carmelita plays Candy Crush

by d3svelado

I have been tasked with writing down what transpires when a young lady by the name of Carmelita Spats plays Candy Crush Saga. You, however, have no such obligation, so if such a story causes you too much nausea, headaches, and/or uncontrollable yodeling, I urge you to read something happier. With all due respect, Lemony Snicket.

6. bitlife

written for morsmordre shipping week. prompt: orbit

Was there any app in the entire app store that wasn't for cakesniffers? Candy Crush was sent by the devil himself, and Sims games weren't any better, but at least in SimCity you could watch cakesniffers burn. Eventually boredom and the lack of a greater life purpose got to Carmelita, and she installed a game called Bitlife.

The menu asked her what her name was, to which she answered Karmaleeta Spatzz. It asked where she lived, what she looked like, and what she wanted her attributes to be. She edited them all to 100% because she was perfection personified. Finally, it asked if she wanted to start a normal life or a royal life. Of course Carmelita was going to pick the royal life.

Well, you had to pay for that. Luckily, being royal was worth paying for. Carmelita (or shall we say Karmaleeta) was born into the Danish royal family. Her father was 67 and her mother was 18, and she'd been conceived at Olive Garden. Despite being a newborn, she was already worth €46 million, and she had a crown on her tiny head. As it should be, she thought.

At the age of two, a common cakesniffer tried to be her friend. Carmelita sent the cakesniffer away. When she was four, her parents bought her a dog named Lefty. When a commoner tried to speak to her, she had them imprisoned. Carmelita cackled evilly. She liked this game.

At age seven, her parents put her in a prestigious private school. Her dog died, so she made her parents buy her a cat instead. Actually, two. And then when they wouldn't get her any more pets, she insulted them both.

In middle school, Carmelita enrolled in modeling lessons. Finally, at the age of fourteen, she murdered her mother and became Queen of Denmark. Took long enough, she thought. And when her father tried to make her get glasses, she killed him too. This act caused her to inherit a large fortune. Like pretty much every other child with VFD parents, Carmelita was actually going to inherit a large fortune someday. She didn't know how much exactly, but it had better be more than the paltry €94 million her game father left her.

Maybe Count Olaf should play Bitlife. He'd get a large fortune too.

Carmelita spent the next few years executing her classmates in horrific ways and making talk show appearances. She fell pregnant at 19 with a a child she named Adorable Spatzz. Seven years later, she had Lovable, followed by Cute. Which of course they were, they were Carmelita's children after all.

Of course, there was trouble in paradise. Not long after Cute was born, the Danish people revolted against Carmelita. She was summarily stripped of her fortune and exiled to Guatemala. "WHAT KIND OF CAKESNIFFING GAME IS THIS?" she screamed at the screen. Lights went on all through Prufrock Prep because it was 11:08 at night.

She wanted to throw the tablet against the wall, but she had a better idea. She'd get her title back. She moved to Qatar and got to work. And it was there, at the age of 39, that she died upon being bitten by a duck.

This time she did throw the tablet across the room. The great royal Karmaleeta Spatzz, murdered by a duck at an old (but not as old as she deserved) age had her incensed. There went another game she couldn't play anymore no matter how fun it initially was.