Synopsis: Gwaine helps Merlin grieve the loss of their friend

Lancelot was everywhere. His handsome, friendly face seemingly haunted Gwaine. Why was this a problem? Well you see, his brother in arms was dead. Killed by sacrificing himself to close the veil to the spirit world not even over a month ago.

Gwaine dealt with the grief as he normally would. Horribly. Once they returned from the Isle Gwaine took it upon himself to get blackout drunk. It was better that way, he reasoned, as it meant not feeling anything. Not being reminded at the deep loss of his friend. Someone who he cared about, and in turn cared about him.

Instead of grieving Gwaine tried feeling angry. He succeeded only for a bit. As much as he wanted to be angry at his stupid selfless friend….he couldn't. Because at the end of the day Lancelot had saved him. Saved all of them. And how could Gwaine blame the man that gave his life for all those he cared for?

There was one thing he could blame Lancelot for. Leaving Merlin.

The manservant was an absolute wreck but not in the way one would think. The utter devastation upon Merlin's face when he announced Lancelot's death was the only time Gwaine was privy to seeing his best friend's true grief.

Which is why Gwaine was concerned, no worried, for his best friend. Once they returned to Camelot Merlin closed himself off to the world, even Gaius. Any person riddled with such grief would take personal time to themselves like Gwen, the knights even Arthur, but not Merlin. The manservant, ever loyal, continued on with his duties, despite Arthur's repeated orders not to. Eventually even the prince stopped trying.

Gwaine wanted to be there for his friend but he was no good to Merlin when he himself was getting sloshed every night. Well, that was one reason he justified not being there for the servant. Truth was… Gwaine was a coward but not a fool. He knew the friendship between Lancelot and Merlin was special. Lancelot and Merlin were as close as brothers, dare Gwaine say Merlin's friendship with Lancelot overtook that of his with Arthur's. Gwaine had a feeling the prince knew that as well. Lancelot was the only person, besides Gaius and his mother, Merlin opened up to.

At first Gwaine was jealous at the inseparable bond the two had, wishing he could have the same with Merlin. Then he came to realize that he had to be content with what he had, having Merlin in his life was enough. Even if he wasn't the servants best friend, Merlin would always be his.

So what words from him could even break the stone facade Merlin had put up? The knight was ashamed to admit that it took weeks for him to finally have the courage to seek out his best friend.

One night, instead of going to the tavern, Gwaine found himself staring at the wooden door of the physician's chambers. Hesitantly, the knight raised hand and gently knocked. Seconds later the door opened to reveal Gauis who was mildly surprised at the visitor.

"Oh, how may I help you Sir Gwaine?" Gaius asked, ushering the knight into the chamber.

Gwaine walked over to the physician's workbench and took a seat, smiling kindly at the old man. "I was wondering if Merlin was around?" He asked.

Gaius' expression dropped at the mention of his ward. "I'm sorry Gwaine, he hasn't returned yet from his manservant duties, I do believe you may be able to find him the throne room." The physician answered.

The knight nodded resolutely but before he stood to go he took the chance to ask, "How is he Gaius?"

Gaius was silent for a moment. "Not good Gwaine. I'm worried about him, it's been weeks since Lancelot's passing and I've seen not a single fraction of healthy mourning from him. From dawn to midnight he throws himself into chores, sometimes not even sleeping. He pretends all is well for those around him but I… I worry," he confessed heavily.

Gwaine's heart dropped at the physician's words. He had to find Merlin. Bidding the Gaius goodnight, he sought out his best friend.

The castle was quiet with the occasional shuffling of a guard's steps. When he entered the throne room Gwaine was met with a nostalgic sight. On the steps before Arthur's throne, was Merlin cleaning the prince's shoes. Only this time the manservant was not as cheerful as the last time, in fact he looked about ready to collapse from exhaustion.

"What did you do now to polish the princesses' royal boots?" Gwaine teased as he approached the now spooked servant. The knight took notice of the hollowness in Merlin's eyes and cursed himself once again for taking this long to reach out.

"Gwaine. What are you doing here?" Merlin asked flatly, returning his gaze back to his task.

Gwaine wasn't deterred by servants' attitude, and instead took a seat next to Merlin and helped with polishing a pair of boots. "Can't I visit my best mate?" He asked.

Merlin scoffed lightly. "Now you choose to visit," he muttered under his breath.

Gwaine flinched at the comment. "I'm worried about you Merlin, as is Gaius. Now I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling at the loss of Lancelot but you can't keep doing this," he said softly.

"Doing what?" Merlin questioned not even sparing Gwaine a glance.

"This! Look at you, you look like a walking corpse. When's the last time you ate or slept? This isn't healthy mate," Gwaine exclaimed gesturing to his friend's frail complexion.

"You're right."

Gwaine was taken aback. There was no way it was that easy. "I am?" He asked, confused.

"You can't even begin to understand."

Looking back Gwaine wished his temper hadn't flared up but it did. He blew up at Merlin.

"Is this what Lancelot would've wanted you to become? A shell of yourself that has pushed away everyone who cares about you? Cause I sure as hell don't think he would. He didn't sacrifice his life for you to go ahead and throw yours away!" Gwaine shouted angrily.

Merlin snapped, throwing Arthur's boots down in fury. "Don't you dare weaponize Lancelot's sacrifice against me! You've no right!"

The two stood up, nearly chest to chest, glaring at the other.

"Why, cause it's the truth?" Gwaine spat.

Merlin barked a cold laugh, "What do you about truth?" He asked bitterly.

Gwaine narrowed his eyes and scrutinized, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Merlin's eyes widened a fraction in what appeared as fear? He went to leave but Gwaine stopped him by gripping his arm.

"Let me go," Merlin said lowly.

"I don't think so, we both know you can't overpower me Merlin. No more running. What truth?" Gwaine asked sternly.

A dark look flickered in Merlin's eyes, making Gwaine almost shutter. "It's my fault," Merlin answered steely.

"What are you talking about?" Gwaine questioned.

"Lancelot's death. It's my fault Gwaine! I pushed him to his death, don't you get it?" Merlin exclaimed.

The servant saw the perplexity dancing in Gwaine's eyes and added on, "I was supposed to be the one to close the veil. I was supposed to give my life in place of Arthur not Lancelot. It's my destiny to protect Arthur, mine! You know he asked me how I could knowingly give my life and I told him you just have to have a reason. Something you care about. Something that's more important than anything."

Tears began streaming down Merlin's face. "He gave his life for me, Gwaine. He left me! Why did he do it? That noble, selfish man! Didn't he know how much I needed him?"

At this point Merlin's legs gave out resulting in Gwaine to catch him and lower them both back to the ground. The knight pulled his friend to his chest as he cried. Gwaine slowly rubbed Merlin's back encouraging the servant to let it out.

"He was the only one to understand, to accept me fully. With him I could be myself without feeling a sense of fear or self disgust. That I was a monster. Lancelot was the first person to view me as more than just my potential, more than a pawn at the mercy of the Gods."

Gwaine had no sense of the true meaning of his best friend's words but that didn't matter.

"I want him back Gwaine…I don't want to be alone again," Merlin whispered, choking on his words. Gwaine became teary eyed at the broken confession. He clung fiercely onto Merlin.

"You're not alone, I'll never let that happen Merlin. I'm here, I'm sorry I wasn't before but I'm here now. I swear mate I'm not going anywhere," Gwaine swore.

After that night in the throne room, Merlin's path to healing began, but Gwaine knew he would never truly recover from the pain of losing his greatest friend.