CHAPTER 16

The drive was quiet with Sam asleep in the seat next to me and there was only one thing to do when it was this quiet and that was think. That's why I always had music playing. Because when I had time to think, I had time to think about all the shit that could go wrong. And there was a SHITLOAD that could go wrong.

"I thought I understood what you were going through, being a werewolf,...", Sam started, making me jump. I hadn't even realized that he was awake. "I was wrong." When I looked over at him, Sam was staring out the passenger window at the dark forest whizzing past. I sighed, knowing that this was gonna be a conversation that I didn't wanna have.

"Sam." When he turned his head to look at me, I was shocked at how unlike my brother he looked. His eyes were red and had bags under them and his eyelids drooped like he hadn't gotten enough sleep. He looked old. It took me aback for a moment and I just sat there with my mouth hanging open, having forgotten what I was gonna say.

"I understand now." He didn't have to expound. I knew what he meant. The rage was nearly impossible to control and the guilt at not being able to control it was worse. Being born with this was bad enough, but you learned to control it from a young age. But, now I could see why being bitten was pretty much begging a hunter to gank your ass. You have all of these emotions warring inside your head and hormones in your body with no time to learn how to deal with them. And now Sam had to battle with his reemerging psychic abilities on top of everything else.

I was beginning to wish I'd stayed in Purgatory. I could see this fight going so bad and I didn't know how to fix it. I was envisioning Sam in a pool of blood with a gaping hole in his chest where his heart should be. My stomach was starting to do flip-flops. If I didn't get a hold of myself, I was gonna toss my cookies all over the steering wheel. I should have left him out of this shit, but I never could say no to my baby brother.

"I never should have gotten you involved in this, Sam. I'm sorry." I kept my eyes glued to the road, telling myself that it wasn't because if I looked over, I'd see a bloody corpse instead of my brother.

"I'm not." I shot him a shocked look before I could stop myself and he shot the same look right back at me. "I'm not, Dean! I may not have fully grasped what you were dealing with, but I don't regret my decision." He looked away and out the windshield before he continued. "I'm not letting you walk into this fight alone. You're my brother."

"This is my mess, Sam. My responsibility."

"Dean, if I had tried to find you, you might not even be in this mess!", Sam growled back.

"We agreed not to go looking for each other, Sam! You know that! I'm not mad at you for that!"

"Yeah, and I know what Bobby would do if he knew what I did! He'd rip me a new fuckin' ass, that's what he'd do!" Sam slammed his fists down hard on his knees as he yelled out his grief for what he thought was all his fault. "Can you ever forgive me?" I sighed heavily, knowing the pained expression on his face without having to look.

"No", I croaked out, continuing to glare out the windshield at the horizon far out ahead of us. I could hear Sam swallow hard and see him nod out of the corner of my eye. "I can't forgive you because there's nothing to forgive." I finally looked over at him and tears were streaming down his face. "None of this is your fault, Sam. None of it." He just nodded again, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. "I don't think there is any way you could have known where I even was! Let alone how to get me out!"

"But I didn't even try, Dean!", Sam said, his breathing starting to hitch. "I should have looked for you! I should have done everything I could to find you, but I didn't! I was with a woman instead of looking for you!"

"SO WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY, SAM?!", I spat at him out of frustration. "THAT YOU'RE A SELFISH DICK AND YOU SHOULD HAVE LOOKED FOR ME?!"

"YES!"

"OK!", I screamed. "YOU'RE A SELFISH DICK AND YOU SHOULD HAVE LOOKED FOR ME!" Sam had his head lowered, staring at his hands in his lap, just taking it. I stared at the side of his face, panting, and the silence was becoming intolerable. But he didn't move or speak. He just sat there waiting for me to continue chewing him out. That was the last thing I wanted to do. Just having those words come out of my mouth was making me nauseous. "But... I forgive you." Sam's head jerked around to look at me and the relieved sigh that came out of him was like the air slowly being let out of a balloon. He began to relax in his seat and all the anguish seemed to melt off his face. It seemed like he just needed to hear me say it.

"Thank you." I never realized how much the guilt was eating away at my brother until now. I was beginning to understand that Sam couldn't forgive himself because he thought I couldn't forgive him.

And here I was, thinking that I had the market cornered on guilt.