Choose Love
Chapter 14
Nathan guided Newton into the small yard of Mrs. Cora Ann Spencer. Long gone now were the flowerpots that sat on the windowsills of the cozy little cottage. Not even Cora's cheerful mums greeted Nathan and Newton today. It would be another year before he saw the bounty of yellow, orange, and purple flowers that seemed to appear every September in Cora's yard. At least Nathan had the bright yellow daffodils that came up every March to look forward to when visiting Cora in the Spring. The wind had picked up and turned the quiet Sunday afternoon bitterly cold. Nathan was grateful this was his last stop before heading back to town. Nathan was eager to shed the confines of his wool serge and exchange it for something a little less constricting. He was looking forward to his visit with the kind lady. He always enjoyed their little talks. Cora loved to tell Nathan stories from her youth and of her dearly departed husband, who had drug her all the way out here to the Canadian west for a life full of adventure.
The Fraser River Gold Rush of 1858 had been too great a temptation for her venturesome Garret. The strapping young man with the fair complexion and icy blue eyes had stood out among his siblings and schoolmates. Even at a young age he held himself with much confidence and charisma. Garret loved anything to do with the outdoors and from the time he could walk his mother had constantly been in a state of panic wondering where he was! One minute he would be contentedly playing on the grass beside her as she hung clothes on a line and then he would be gone. Everything outside was a possible adventure just waiting to be pursued! It was no different for his teacher. Keeping Garret Spencer in class had proven quite the undertaking, but Garret was a bright child and worth the extra effort in Miss Love's eyes. Miss Love was as kind, patient, and loving as her name would imply, and she felt it cruel to dampen the spirit of this child, or any child. Often Garret would become missing just after recess. Once outside Garret found the temptation to venture farther from the grounds of the small schoolhouse far too great. The afternoons in the little school were far too long and drawn out for such a boy as Garret. There was so much waiting out there for him to explore and there just wasn't enough time after school to suit his needs. Every morning that Garret grumbled to his mother about having to waste his time sitting in a school room she assured him that someday he would be grateful that he stuck it out and endured the torturous hours of learning!
It was a chilly morning in late September when Garret and his fellow classmates were introduced to three new students. A boy and his two little sisters. James Reynolds was about 11, his two little sisters, Cora 9, and Sarah who was about 6 years old. Garret was happy to see that the boy was close to him in age. A lot of the boys in school this year were much younger than him, so he only had one or two boys close to his age to play with at recess. Now maybe they could play some real games! Miss Love ask the Reynolds children to remove their coats and hang them up and then join her in the front of the classroom for introductions. The children did as they were told and timidly made their way to the front of the room to stand next to Miss Love. Only James had ever attended school, and only a couple of years at that. The rest of the time they had been home schooled by their mother. In the short years they had been on earth they had called a lot of places home. With a limited education Mr. Reynolds traveled from location to location looking for work. They had never had an opportunity to settle down in one place. Not yet anyway. Mrs. Reynolds prayed that this would be the last time they would have to start anew.
The Reynolds children were shy and unaccustomed to greeting groups of people.
"Class I would like you to welcome our new students." Miss Love looked down at James affectionately and gave him a gently nudge encouraging him to look up at his new classmates. "Would you please introduce yourself to your new classmates?" Miss Love asked.
A reluctant James began to speak. "Hello, my name is James Reynolds, and these are my sisters."
"Welcome James." The class sang out together.
Next up was Cora but the bashful girl refused to look up. James nudged her with his elbow, but she still refused to look at her new classmates. James gently elbowed her one more time and she reluctantly gave up her stance. She scanned the room for a terrified a moment, looking for someone, anyone with a kind face. Cora was quite a little beauty for such a young girl. With Raven black hair and aqua blue eyes that shimmered in the cold morning air that still hung in the small room. It was hard for any of her new classmates not to take notice of her rare features. James cleared his throat urging Cora to speak up.
"Hi, my name is Cora and I'm Nine years old."
Her timid voice though soft and low was as beautiful as any little winter songbird. Garret heard it and looked up, curious to see what creature belonged to this pleasant sound. He was only a boy still, but he knew true beauty when he saw it. He had spent enough time in the woods, meadows, and mountains of his Canadian home to know natural beauty. Garret had yet to learn the feelings of romantic love, but he couldn't deny strangeness he felt when he had heard her speak. In the few short years to come he would learn what romantic love was and what it felt like. Although it would take some time for him to figure it all out. Garret didn't know it that first day but what he would soon figure out was that in the days to come he would develop what they call a crush. Little Miss Cora would be his first and only crush.
The blustery wind was getting colder, and chilled Nathan's cheeks as he picked up as much split firewood as he could carry and headed for the back door to Cora's kitchen. He would fill up her wood box to overflowing so she wouldn't have to go out any time soon to replenish it. When the box was piled high, he stoked the pot-bellied stove and added more wood. He would stay until the fire was roaring once again. That should hold Cora until tomorrow when her nearest neighbors could come check on her. When the flames grew wide and tall in the stove Nathan's stood and warmed himself as Mrs. Cora busiest herself fixing Nathan a good stout cup of coffee and some cookies. Cora would have preferred a hot cup of tea this chilly evening, but she knew how Nathan felt about tea and his solid preference for the dark brew.
Cora placed the refreshments on the table and called for Nathan to join her.
"Wow that looks good!" Nathan exclaimed before even seating himself at the table. He pulled out the chair and immediately reached for the steaming cup of coffee. Gingerly he took a sip of the still very hot liquid. He swallowed carefully and pursed his lips together as the hot concoction slid down his throat. He smiled over at Cora with an incorrigible grin.
"Cora, you have no idea what a treat this is after a long afternoon of rounds. Thank you so much."
"Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea how you feel. I remember that same look on my Garret's face after a long day." Cora pushed the plate of cookies in Nathan's direction, and he nodded in understanding.
They sat and ate cookies and drank their coffee and exchanged pleasantries. Cora could tell that Nathan had something on his mind. He must. Most visits Nathan was talkative. He seemed somewhat within himself this evening.
"So how is Allie? How is she doing in school? I haven't seen her since school started up again. She sure is growing up fast!"
"Yes, too fast if you ask me." Nathan answered with a wry smile. "I just don't know where the time has gone. I mean don't get me wrong, I want Allie to grow up to be a fine a young lady. I know she will, but it's just all gone by so fast. It seems like just yesterday that we lost Colleen and Allie came to live with me. And now here she is so close to being done with school and starting a life of her own. It's just overwhelming to think of sometimes." Nathan smiled and laughed gently but Cora knew that Nathan now often thought about what his life would be like after Allie did grow up and leave him. Of course, she would never truly leave him. But life without Allie there by his side, day in and day out would be very sad for Nathan. Cora had the feeling that something else might be weighing on Nathan's mind. She was sure Nathan wondered if once Allie did leave would he truly be alone from then on out forever. Although he spoke of it little with Cora, she knew Nathan longed for a wife. A partner he could share his life with. Core knew Nathan to be a sensitive and emotional man. One might not think someone like a Mountie to have those qualities, but it was just such men, like Nathan Grant that seemed to be the most emotive. They cared deeply for others and were compelled to help. Cora was also aware of his feelings for the schoolteacher, the widow Thornton. She knew Elizabeth's story and had known both Elizabeth and Jack. Jack Thornton had been kind to her as well and checked on her often. Sometimes he would bring Elizabeth out to visit with her. Cora had loved her visits with Elizabeth. It could get lonely out here in her little cottage.
"So, Nathan tell me about the Harvest Dance the children threw for the community? Was it fun? It sure has been many years since I attended such an event, but Garret and I sure looked forward to them. It was a chance to see and visit with everyone that we might not see again for a while."
Nathan nodded his head in the affirmative and took a sip of the hot coffee. "The kids did a great job. There was a huge turnout."
"Oh, how wonderful for the students. I bet Mrs. Thornton is so proud."
"I'm sure she is." Nathan agreed almost sourly.
"Nathan please forgive me but are you OK? Did something happen at the dance last night? I seem to have hit a cord." Cora wondered if it had anything to do with Elizabeth. Cora tried not to pry or give into gossip, but she had learned of how Nathan had been hurt when Elizabeth chose a life with Saloon owner Lucas Bouchard. She knew Nathan had feelings for Elizabeth, but she had never asked Nathan or anyone else for details of the situation. She only took what news she was offered and made summations from there. She cared deeply for Nathan. Jack Thornton had been a great and courageous Mountie, and she loved visiting with him but she had developed a special friendship with Nathan. They seemed to have a connection and to understand one another on another level. He felt like a son or nephew to her. And he had told her he felt the same. One day he had jovially commented that she was the aunt he never knew he had!
"Please, Cora continued. I don't mean to pry but if you have something on your mind maybe it might help to get it off your chest?"
Nathan pursed his lips and lowered his gaze. When he looked up, he could see how much Cora wanted to help, but he wasn't sure it would even be proper for him to discuss it with her. He was so ashamed of what he had done. His behavior the entire evening had left him disgusted with himself.
"The truth is I'm not sure it would even be proper to talk with you about. I should be talking to Joseph right now. With what I've done I'm not sure if I can be forgiven."
"Nathan Grant!" Cora spurted forth forcefully. Everyone deserves to be forgiven! If you want forgiveness, then forgiveness you'll get! If you feel you need to talk to the Rev. Canfield, then you should. But you know you can always talk to me too! There is nothing you could do Nathan that would make me respect or love you less!"
"Well maybe you, or Joseph, or even God can forgive me but I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself! Not for what I have done."
Cora reached for Nathan's hand and Nathan took her aging hand into his and she gave Nathan's strong hand a firm but consoling squeeze. "Nathan just tell me what you are comfortable telling me. Please unburden yourself. It can't hurt any and it may help. It's not good to keep worries and fears locked up inside. It's good to clear your conscience. An open heart is a healing heart.
Nathan knew that Cora was right. Her opinions mattered to him and maybe whatever wisdom she had to offer would give him the strength to talk to Joseph. Perhaps Joseph could pray with him and for him and it would somehow give him the courage to apologize to Elizabeth for his behavior the previous evening. His behavior towards Lucas and most of all his behavior with her.
Nathan finally let his gaze meet Cora's. Cora could see the slightest bit of moisture trying to invade Nathan's sad eyes. She waited patiently for him to speak.
"I behaved abhorrently last night Cora." Nathan confessed ashamedly.
Cora's brow furrowed with concern as she asked Nathan what had happened.
"Nathan," Cora spoke in a soothing tone. "What happened? What could you have possibly done to make yourself feel so distressed?"
With reluctance Nathan began telling Cora about the fight he had had with Lucas. He explained how the situation had unfolded and how he had only meant to stand up for a little boy he cared about and loved. Nathan explained how things had escalated and tempers flared. Nathan recounted the loathsome words and insults that had been hurled forth between the two of them! Lastly, he revealed Lucas's hateful conviction that it should have been Nathan that died in the mudslide that took Jack Thornton's life! The ugly disparagement had brought the entire crowd to an awkward silence. Nathan hung his head in humiliation as he explained the worst part of it all. That as Elizabeth and Rosemary made their way into the crowd of onlookers they were met by the angry and fiery breath of Elizabeth's fiancé. The unexpected insult had frozen Elizabeth's feet to the barn floor and the hatred in Lucas's eyes had frightened and disappointed her to her soul.
"I see. Cora whispered softly. "And you blame yourself for Lucas's behavior?" Cora stated more than she asked.
"I do." Said Nathan. "If I hadn't fought with Lucas. If only I could have controlled my temper and not let that guy get to me." Nathan trailed. "I'm a Mountie. I know what it means to let your emotions get the better of you. You get hurt. Others get hurt."
"It's true Nathan, you are a Mountie. You're a great Mountie! But you're only human. You cannot be perfect all the time. You cannot be the perfect Mountie, the perfect man, the perfect father, or perfect anything. Humans are fallible and you are only human Nathan Grant. Nathan you are much too self-deprecating. Please be more kind to yourself. You work hard and you're a good man. Don't ever forget that."
Nathan grinned a sincere but somewhat sad smile back at his friend.
"But I sense there is more that happened last night for you to be so cast down.
Nathan's sage friend had gotten to know him way to well. Most people didn't get that close to him. Cora was as attuned to Nathan as a fiddler to his bow! Cora had a gift for reading people's emotions. This she had known since a girl.
Nathan steeled himself to confess his worst transgression. He didn't want Cora to know. Not even Bill knew what happened between he and Elizabeth in the pole barn late last night. But he feared there was no turning back now. Cora would get it out of him one way or another before he left.
Cora retrieved the coffee from the stove one last time and filled Nathan's cup to the brim. He would need the fortifying drink Nathan thought to himself as he carefully took as big of a sip of the hot liquid as he deemed safe.
As hard as it was Nathan looked deeply into Cora's tired but concerned eyes. He wasn't sure where to begin but decided to tell Cora about Faith, and how dancing with her had made him feel. He confessed that holding Faith had felt unexpectedly pleasant. He admitted that holding a woman such as Faith had stirred within him a desire that he thought he had buried deep the day that Elizabeth had announced she was not in love with him, but rather was in love with someone else. Nathan lowered his gaze and collected his thoughts before diving into what had happened with Elizabeth. With deep embarrassment and guilt Nathan recalled Dancing with Elizabeth. How it had set his soul on fire. He knew Elizabeth had felt it too. He explained to Cora how his connection to Elizabeth felt. It felt as if there was an invisible cord joining them together securely and forever! Nathan's narrative continued as he accounted for almost everything that had occurred between, he and Elizabeth that night in the small barn. As delicately as he could he explained the passion that had unintentionally erupted between them.
With misty eyes Cora offered Nathan both her hands and encouraged him to take her small wrinkly hands into his big strong ones. Once again, she gave his hands a loving squeeze. It made Nathan smile. She knew that Nathan blamed himself for both his behavior and Elizabeth's.
"And you blame yourself for both of your actions?"
"Of course, I do! Nathan declared. "It's my fault!" Nathan added.
"It is not all your fault Nathan." Elizabeth has to be held accountable for her actions just as much as you do."
"But I kissed her and she's an engaged woman."
"Yes, and Elizabeth didn't forget that, nor did she stop you. She could have left at any moment Nathan, but she didn't. She stayed, and far longer than she should have. You both hold accountability in this situation."
Nathan began to protest but Cora would not let Nathan cast himself the villain in this story. There was no wrong or right person in this scenario.
"But Cora the way I kissed her, the way I touched her?" Nathan trailed off in a dispirited voice. "How could I, how could I, I tarnish her in such a way!"
Cora looked deeply into Nathan's blue eyes and spoke the truth. "Nathan you are a good man with integrity beyond reproach! You found yourself in a moment of weakness. That is all! Here is what I think. I think that Elizabeth Thornton is as in love with you as you are with her. You two needed to talk, but both of you made a mistake. You aren't the first to make this same mistake and you won't be the last. You cannot take this burden on alone. I think you must talk to Elizabeth again. We both know Lucas Bouchard is not going to be the husband that Elizabeth wants or needs but we have to let her figure that out. Hopefully she figures it out before there is a wedding. If not, if she makes this misstep and marries him then we must let her make this mistake. If she is meant to be with you Nathan, she will be. I have every faith in the Lord that Elizabeth will make the best choices for her and her little son. As for you my friend, you too will find happiness. I don't know if it is with Elizabeth or not, but I am assured with the Lord that you and Allie will become a bigger family and you, Nathan will find the love you want and deserve."
Cora excused herself from the table and returned with her well-worn Bible and a small box. She placed the items down on the table in front of her and lowered herself back into her chair.
"What's all this" Nathan inquired with the curious rise of a brow.
"Just some things I'd like to share with you. I think bringing these out for you to see is long overdue."
Cora had piqued Nathan's curiosity for sure and he waited in perplexed anticipation of what she was up to.
"Nathan, I know you feel a lot of shame and guilt about the things that happened last night and your behavior because of them. But you are not alone, and you are not the first to feel this way. I'd say you are in good company."
Nathan grinned crookedly and questioned, "Me? In good company?"
"Yes." Cora's affirmation was firm, and she reached and pulled her Bible closer and opened it to Genesis. It's all here in the first chapter of the Bible. You remember Adam and Eve?" Cora began. When they were first in the garden, they had no sin as they were made in God's image. They freely walked about the Garden not caring of their nakedness. Then came the day they disobeyed God. Upon realizing their wrongdoing, guilt washed over them, and they became aware of their nakedness. Their nakedness became their shame, and they hid from God. In Genesis 3:21 we learn that God made tunics of skin and clothed them. "He covered their nakedness, and they were ashamed no more."
"Nathan Grant found himself at a loss for words. He would have never thought of this himself. He thought he understood what Cora was trying to tell him. That there is no shame or guilt that cannot be forgiven through the Lord.
"Nathan, may I share a couple of passages with you? I think they will help."
Nathan gave her a short positive nod and she began. "Psalm 31:1 "Nathan. In You, O Lord, I put my trust; let me never be ashamed; deliver me in your righteousness."
Psalm 103:12 As far as the east is from west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." Cora looked up from her Bible, "Nathan I would like for you to put that one to memory. Remember it as you make your rounds, and you travel about protecting this community."
"I will." Nathan promised.
"Nathan I would like to read one last Passage. From Romans 10:11, she spoke softly as she launched into the last of her readings.
"For the Scripture says, 'Whoever believes in Him will not be put to shame.'"
Cora gave Nathan a sweet smile before moving on to the small box that sat inconspicuously in front of her. Nathan wondered what treasure might be inside the small wooden antique. He wondered if it too may contain some wisdom that Cora was yet to impart on him. From what Nathan could tell the box had been hand carved and was quite lovely. It was a little larger than a standard ring box and Nathan wondered if it's size might be a clue as to what was inside.
Cora pushed the box in front of Nathan and ask him to open it. Being a craftsman himself Nathan couldn't help but note the craftsmanship that had gone into the intricate carving of the item.
"Wow!" Nathan exclaimed. "This is quite lovely Cora. The person who made this was quite the artisan. Nathan complimented.
"Yes. He was. Cora whispered with a shaky voice. "My Garret made this for me. Open it, Nathan. I want you to see what's inside."
Gently Nathan opened the lid of the delicate container. Inside were three rings. A man's wedding ring, a woman's wedding ring, and a bride's engagement ring. The rings were beautiful and belied their age. They gleamed back into Nathan's sparkling blue eyes, and he wondered why Cora was showing these items to him. Gently Nathan pulled down the lid of the little ornate wooden crate. He read the engraving aloud.
"To my most beautiful Cora. My winter songbird. I love you."
Underneath the sentiment was carved a delicate little bird. Nathan opened the small keepsake box to once again look at the contents inside. He was surprised at the beauty of the rings and by the substantial size of the stone in the engagement ring. From the many tales and stories that Cora had shared with Nathan he had just assumed she grew up in a meager household and that she and her late husband possessed no great wealth. He looked up into Cora's misty eyes for an explanation.
"My Garret made that trinket box for me. He had many talents my Garret. As much as he loved the rugged outdoors, he was quite the artist. Not many people knew that about him. He didn't flaunt it and used his talents for those closest to him. Garret's first love however, remained the outdoors which lent to his insatiable wanderlust. That is how we landed here, so far into the Canadian West. I was only a girl of Sixteen when I left the security of my family, my parents, my friends, and everything that I held dear. I was a girl in love though. Garret wanted us to marry. He was a young man of Nineteen and ready to set out on his own. My parents were fair-minded people and understood Garret's need to set out and leave a mark all his own on this big land. To my parents I was their precious child, still so young. How could they let me go so far at such a young age? As vast as this country is they may never again set eyes upon their sweet Cora, they had said. Not in this lifetime. They knew girls younger than I sometimes married but stated that I was not one of those girls! When gold had been discovered on the Thompson River in British Columbia, Garret passionately promised my parents that if they permitted me to marry him and stake a claim there, he would take very good care of me. He just knew this was our destiny. So, with my parent's reluctant permission Garret and I set forth ready to stamp out our mark and claim our destiny!
Cora pulled a hanky from the pocket of her apron and dabbed at her leaky eyes. It had been a while since she had told that tale and the memory of her Garret and his handsome eager face flashed before her eyes. "That was nearly Sixty-Three years ago now Nathan." Cora lamented, not believing that time could pass so quickly. How long had she been alone now? Cora thought to herself. She would count the years later. She was ready to now end the walk through her many years of memories.
"Go ahead Nathan, take the rings out. Give them a good look over."
Nathan did as he was asked and picked up the delicate but large stoned engagement ring. Nathan classified the diamond as large for he had never seen one this big. Although large the ring was not gaudy. To Nathan it was the most beautiful piece of Jewelry he had ever seen. He thought about its possible story and wondered if there was some way that this ring had been Cora's?
Cora spoke up. "That was my engagement ring from Garret. "Cora informed. Nathan looked up at her with an amazed look. Cora giggled softly and explained. Not my original ring of course. We left for British Columbia with a brown string wrapped around my ring finger. It was all I needed or wanted at the time. But Garret always promised me better. Eventually I realized my protests fell on deaf ears. Buying me a real ring was important to him and I had to let him do this for me. I was so young when we were first married, and I had so much to learn. I learned that it didn't matter if Garret bought me a ring in a year, or Twenty years, or even Fifty years, it wasn't just about a ring but about a dream. It was Garret's dream to be able to get me such a gift. Dreams are important Nathan. Just as I couldn't take Garret's dream from him, no one can take away your dreams either. I want you to keep these rings. I know what's in your heart Nathan Grant. The love you have for your daughter, the love you have for your job, your community and the love you have for your Lord. You will find happiness Nathan. Happiness and true love.
Nathan tried to object taking such an extravagant gift, but Cora would not allow it. She knew Nathan needed this gift. Cora explained to Nathan that she had no children of her own to give the rings to. He was the closest thing she now had to having a child.
She had prayed many times for her Constable, and she knew God always listened and answered her prayers. She knew God would provide for Nathan and Allie. She wasn't sure how or who that might be, but she knew it in her heart to be true.