29 - The Calm

~**Martouf**~

I tried to be buried. At least while on Earth. I really did, but I kept feeling like I was being shot. It doesn't help that we overheard the Tau'ri talking about a possible traitor. Someone named Delek?

He is not our worry, Lantash thinks.

My beloved gave me control, feeling that it was for the best. I am not so sure.

You were completely panicking with me in control, he assures me. You have calmed considerably.

My skin feels tight, but I feel Malek's fingers in my hair, and that is calming.

"She'll be here soon, and then we can go." He holds us close.

Lantash is tense, so tense that I can physically feel the difference around my spine, in my head. Malek is holding all my knives, but Lantash is still fearful.

"She's coming," Malek says as soon as we feel the others approaching.

"Martouf?" Is Jolinar's voice.

"Jolinar…"

"They are dialing right now."

I soon hear the stargate turning.

"Chevron one encoded!" says an announcing voice. I think his name is Walter.

"You are shaking." Jolinar hugs me.

"Chevron two encoded!" Says Walter after the Stargate had whirled again.

Lantash doesn't even respond when he feels her hand over him.

"Chevron three encoded!"

"It's taking too long," I whisper.

"Chevron four encoded!"

"It is merely seconds away," Malek assures.

"Chevron five encoded!"

I look over, and I realize Jacob is with us, and he looks very worried as he looks to me.

"Chevron six encoded!"

"Almost," Jacob assures as the stargate spins again.

"Chevron seven is locked!"

The vortex explodes forward before pulling back. As soon as it is safe, I rush through it. On the other side is a barren desert. My heart pounds.

"They sent us back." My voice almost squeaks.

"No."

I don't know who spoke.

"The prison planets did not have stargates."

I slowly register that it is Jolinar speaking.

Malek puts his arm around me and slowly helps me down the steps.

I can take control, Lantash offers.

I keep walking now, slow to register his words.

Martouf?

Not yet.

He sends warm shivers through my skin, and they feel good in comparison to the cold sweat that is drenching my robes. Zar's old robes. I have these while Samantha and Amb still wear filthy rags.

I feel others as we approach, but they are hidden from us.

I think that's normal, Lantash thinks.

We approach one lone person who is visible. He has brown hair and beige clothes.

"Aldwin," Jacob greets.

"Jacob." He smiles before looking to all of us. "It is good to see you all again." He gestures.

"Rings," I question. "Underground? We just escaped the underground."

"It's where we live," Malek says as he takes my hand. "It's not a humid, hot place of filth. It's beautiful…and nice, and we can bathe with actual soap, not cooking oil."

I want a bath, Lantash thinks, now much calmer than he was before. We'll smell so pretty after.

That makes me smile a bit, and I brave the rings. Rings. I only have bad memories of rings. I close my eyes as we are taken down.

Open your eyes.

No.

Love.

What if I open them, and we are back in the prison?

Feel the air? Is it humid?

…No.

Is it hot?

…No.

Smell the air. Does it stink?

No. I grimace slightly as I open my eyes. I immediately see that we are surrounded by beautiful crystals of different shades of blue. They are jagged and sharp, making the walls and the ceiling.

"I missed these tunnels," Jolinar says.

I pale in fear.

"Martouf?" Jacob questions.

"No." I feel panicked. "How am I supposed to write when the walls are sharp?!"

"We'll find a way," Malek promises as he hugs me. "We'll make a new crystal that grows the walls as smooth as the floor."

"You can use the floors until then," Jolinar assures.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"Yes, love." Malek kisses me softly.

I look to the floor, then nod.

"This way," Aldwin says. "The healer would like to examine you."

I suspect that the Tok'ra have been warned not to overwhelm us, Lantash thinks as we pass by more people in beige.

They look to us…curious, surprised, joyful, and something in their eyes tells us that they do want to approach.

"The high council understands that readjusting will take time," Aldwin says as we walk. "For the time being, I have been assigned to give you aid."

And observe us, Lantash thinks. It's no coincidence that they assigned a former healer to us.

"What exactly does that pertain?" Malek asks.

To answer questions, offer help-

"Study us?" Malek adds.

He pauses and looks back. "They are concerned."

Malek makes a short nod.

"My primary goal is to help you without interference. I will give you needed distance, but for now, a Tok'ra is to be near…at all times."

"I appreciate your honesty."

We enter a room with some beds, and a woman instructs us to sit.

"I am Ren'al," she continues.

I stare at the beds in fear.

"I'll go first," Jacob offers.

I watch as he is examined, and I realize he is only being scanned. It's over quickly.

Malek goes next. I know it's for my sake, and he smiles encouragingly at me.

Maybe it won't be so bad.

After the scans, Ren'al takes out a needle.

"No!" Lantash yells as he takes control, grabbing and twisting her wrist, forcing her to drop the needle.

Ren'al cries out in pain.

"You will not hurt him!" In spite of his anger, Lantash assures me. No one will hurt you. I won't let anyone hurt you.

Malek, meanwhile, has moved across the room, his eyes wide in fear.

"It's the symbiote elixir," Aldwin says calmly.

"I don't care what you call it." Martouf?

I am well.

"Lantash, release her," Samantha says. "It's medicine."

"She tried to attack Malek."

"It's the same drug we gave you," Malek says, though his voice is still shaky. "That saved your life."

Aldwin steps closer, and we eye him when he picks up the needle. He offers it to us.

"Inject me."

"What?" Lantash and I are both confused.

"If it was to cause harm, I would not allow you to use it on me, correct? So use it on me."

"That proves nothing," Lantash replies.

Aldwin still holds it out for us.

Lantash releases Ren'al, then grabs the needle. He cautiously steps towards Aldwin, then injects him. He then steps away, staring at Aldwin as if he might suddenly collapse.

"As you can see, I am fine."

"You were just injected with a needle that was on the floor," Samantha says.

"I can protect my host from any infection," he replies with a bit of a smile. "Malek, if you do not wish to be injected, will you at least drink the medicine?"

Malek considers it. "Very well."

"I do not trust him," Lantash says. "I will not ingest a drug from strangers."

"Aldwin was invaluable in helping you and Martouf while you were in stasis," Malek replies. "He probably saved your lives."

Lantash looks to Aldwin, then sighs. "I'll take it."

Malek takes the drug as Samantha is being examined. Lantash looks over as we feel two more symbiotes. Entering the room are a man and a women. They both look very fancy. Others, clearly bodyguards, are near them.

Who are they? I ask.

I have no idea, but two look important.

Jacob looks to us. "This is Grand Counselor Garshaw and Supreme High Counselor Per'sus."

"We wanted to see how you were doing," the male says.

I have no idea which one he is.

"Selmak has informed us that the three of you are married," the woman says as she steps closer. "We have grown you your quarters with a personal bathing room.

I give an internal grin as Lantash perks up to that.

"You are also free to use the public baths," she adds.

"How is their health?" The male asks, then frowns as he sees red marks on Ren'al's wrist. "What happened?"

"There was a misunderstanding." She glances to us. "Lantash thought I was attacking Malek when I tried to inject him with medicine."

Lantash glares at her.

"Why would you try to inject someone who was tortured with injections?" the male asks.

Ren'al doesn't answer.

"And Lantash," the female continues, "you are safe here. You cannot attack people over a perceived threat."

Lantash holds a hard expression.

"Give us the chance to earn your trust before you judge us," the male adds as he steps closer. "I have known you since you were born. Shadow. Do you know what that is?"

"Malek said that was my larva name."

"And did he tell you who gave you that name?"

"No."

"More than any of your batch mates, you enjoyed swimming with those of us who already had hosts…especially our queen."

Lantash frowns, trying to remember.

"So when you were four days old and had not yet selected a larva name, I named you Shadow."

"I do not remember."

"You enjoyed the name so much that you almost kept it after taking your first host." Jolinar takes our hand. "In time, you will remember again."

Lantash smiles slightly.

"Councilors…" Malek approaches, then bows slightly.

Huh?

The male does the same. The female does not, but I don't think the bow was intended for her.

So we have to bow to him, but he does the same?

I don't get it.

Regardless, I think he must be the Supreme High Councilor. Lantash glances over as he is scanned.

"We need iron while making a new room. That will encourage the walls to be mostly flat," Malek continues, "and we must make sure that no one else enters the room. Not even you."

"That can be arranged," Per'sus replies. "Anise can work on it."

"Thank you."

~+~+~.

True to his word, Aldwin stays behind when we want to bathe, allowing us privacy. He directs us on where to go, then sits down to wait for us.

Lantash gasps when he sees our bathing room. There are two baths, one larger and deeper, and the other has a waterfall. It looks so inviting. He retreats so that I may fully experience our first true bath.

"Two?" I ask. "Are we so filthy?"

"It's how we bathe," Malek assures.

I see steam coming off both as I approach, and the water smells strongly of mint. I slowly undress before stepping in, testing the water. I slowly go down the steps, and the hot water seems to wash away unknown aches.

My mates follow me, and I see that Amb is now the one in control. He hands me a small disk of soap.

It's shampoo, Lantash thinks.

I get it wet, then begin washing my hair. It tingles on my scalp, but it also stings. I realize the stings are where my skin isn't fully healthy. There's grit and grime in my hair. Years of filth that never quite washed away.

Samantha and Amb help me, both focusing more on me. Their hands feel wonderful. The water begins to turn dirty, even greasy as they thoroughly clean and scrub every inch of me. I look at it, realizing that I was filthy.

"Relax," Samantha says as she guides me to the waterfall.

After rinsing off, I help them as well. Then we go to the second bath, except this isn't really for bathing. The water tingles on our skin. Lantash is wiggling in joy.

I want to relax, to swim, but I don't feel it.

"Did you want that bath sex?" Malek asks as he begins stroking me, but he stops when he sees that I'm not in the mood.

"Another time," I say before leaving the water.

They follow.

I stare at the previous bath. The water is already clear again. I pick up the rags that Amb had worn.

"Martouf, they gave us new clothes to wear," Samantha says.

"The old rags will go into the laundry. The Tok'ra will make use of them, Malek adds.

I look to the rags, realizing just how filthy they are. I didn't realize how much they stank, and they are stained. Blood. Semen. Filth. And I wore something similar for years.

We did our best, Lantash thinks.

I drop the rags, then wash my hands, feeling dirty for just touching them. As I dry them…

"My skin feels different." I reach the top of my head. "So does my hair."

"That's what clean feels like," Malek replies.

"I didn't realize I was so disgusting."

"My body didn't ward off dirt like a magical spell. None of us were clean."

I slip on a clean tunic. The leather feels soft on my skin. I pick up shorts as the others dress.

I try them, having not worn shorts or pants in years. It feels strange, almost tight in some areas.

You are used to being…free flowing.

That makes me smile.

You don't have to wear them. It's up to you.

I go to a full length mirror in the room.

What…is that?

That's you, Lantash replies tenderly.

That can't… "No!" I hit the mirror with my fist.

Martouf, please, don't hurt yourself.

I feel hands gently grab me, holding me, and I accept their embrace as tears fall.

"I look different," I whine, feeling…wrong. "Lantash had some memories of what I'm supposed to look like, and I don't." I frown. "I'm old."

"You just have a few lines," Malek says.

"Half my hair is gray."

"Very stylish," Samantha replies.

"I'm too thin. I'm scarred. My skin is…"

Sam's eyes glow.

"Love," Jolinar says, "you are different, yes, but we just escaped. You haven't had any time to recover."

"Am I still attractive?"

"Of course, you are, but your body is not healthy, and that's not…" She lifts my hands and I realize I cut them. "No more than this is, but just like your hands, you will heal."

I look down, feeling very shallow, and I feel her arms around me. Soft lips grace my temple.

"You age like fine wine."

I smile.

"We all carry scars, and the invisible ones often hurt the most. The six of us all need each other."

As she speaks, Malek leaves briefly to get a wet cloth. He begins cleaning my hands.

I watch as they focus on me, and I vaguely wonder how many times I "woke up" to find blood on my hands.

It doesn't matter now, Lantash assures.

"Are you ready to eat?" Malek asks.

"Yes." I carefully conceal my knives, still not fully trusting the others.

~**Lantash**~

At the mess hall, I have taken control again. I look around, trying to figure the place out.

"What is the hierarchy for eating?"

"There is none," Malek takes my hand and pulls me closer to a buffet. He hands me a large plate. "We serve ourselves whatever we want."

"Impossible. Food is a method of control. "No one is allowed to eat anything."

"I promise. You won't be punished for eating."

I hesitate, then go to the food. I see stuffed pieces of fish, seasoned and perfectly cooked. I reach for it.

Don't grab that! Martouf panics. It's too fancy. It must only be for those of high rank.

I hesitate, then look at the different foods. They are on different colored plates.

"Did you want the fish?" Jolinar asked.

"Blue must be for only those of high rank."

"No, love. The Tok'ra just trade from different people, so the plates are different." She picks up a fish and puts it on my plate.

I glance to Aldwin, wondering if she could be right. He is quiet, but makes a small nod to confirm her words.

I gather more food, amazed how everything is so fresh. Then we get to the drinks. I pour myself milk.

I follow Malek on where to sit.

Where did our shadow go? Martouf thinks.

I quickly find Aldwin at the next table, having made his own plate. I guess he eats when we eat.

He bothers me.

He is doing his job, and I appreciate that he allowed Malek and Jolinar to explain the rules.

As far as shadows go, he's barely noticeable. I do wonder when he fixed up a plate though. Does he have his own shadow tending to him so he can tend to us? Would that be weird?

Never mind.

Picking up a fork, I look over the food, then select something orange.

Do you want the first bite? I ask.

You can have it.

I take a bite. It is sweet, spicy, and nutty, bursting with flavor. It has wonderful, crunchy texture. I remember eating this before. I freeze briefly, tears beginning to fall.

"What's wrong?" Jolinar asks.

"We're really…free?"

She hugs me while Malek, who is across the table, takes my hand.

"It doesn't feel real to me either," Malek admits. "I'm exhausted, but I'm afraid to sleep. I'm convinced…"

"You'll wake up back in the prison."

"Yes."

"That's why Martouf and I slept on the ship, but you need to sleep, love."

He nods. "I will."

I take a bite of fish, and it is so tender that it almost seems to melt. It is contrasted with a flakey crust. It is so simple, yet so perfect. I then drink from my cup, and the milk is cold, creamy, and slightly sweet.

"I'm…clean. My clothes are clean, and this meal is almost the best thing I have ever tasted."

"Something tastes better?" Malek asks.

"You four." I smile.

He and Jolinar laugh.