Episode 3x12
"Awakening"
It was the timing of the two men's actions that made Emma think twice about each of them.
If Walsh hadn't proposed, it would have been easy to write the strange man off as a lunatic and never think of him again. Likewise, if the stranger hadn't shown up, it might have been easy to accept Walsh's proposal.
But the coinciding of the two events made Emma hesitate. She could not jump into a new, lifelong commitment with Walsh when there might be something from her past returning to haunt her, demanding to be known.
Despite how different they were, the two invitations were eerily similar, and each one was frightening in its own way. It seemed like both men were inviting Emma to leave the stable, comfortable life she and Henry were enjoying.
She spent the following night trying to think where she possibly could have known the one-handed man: an old group home or foster home, her time as a runaway, her stint in jail, or her career after going straight.
He looked fairly young, in his thirties, but there was also something about him that seemed old. It was not just his clothes or the way he spoke, which were both pretty old-fashioned. Emma got a good look at him across her table in the restaurant. There was something about his eyes that made him seem as though he had already lived a long life and seen more than his share of hardship.
Emma had no memory of this man and no idea who he was, but he clearly knew her somehow. Not only did he follow her, he knew about thoughts and feelings she had not shared with anyone: the flickers of doubt about whether she was truly happy.
She knew she ought to be happy, especially when she compared her life now to her painful upbringing. She had Henry, a good job, a good home, and a good boyfriend. She was living her best possible life, one that was completely normal.
But there were sometimes moments when she fleetingly wondered whether it was all real, whether this life was truly her own, and whether it would last. She chalked that up to the trauma of growing up without any family and being betrayed by Neal. Henry was the only part of her life that felt completely real and unquestionably right. Everything else felt … dubious. She always pushed those thoughts aside, and did her best to accept whatever good things came.
The stranger—he had never revealed his name—spoke to Emma as though she were in the Matrix, claiming that everything she believed was wrong. And she could see in his eyes that, on some level, he was earnest, speaking what he believed to be the truth.
Whether he was lying or crazy, it would have been irresponsible not to investigate, to find out who this mystery man really was. Then she could make sure he would not cause any harm to her, her family, or her future.
Her paranoia only increased when, against her better judgment, she went to the address he had given her and realized that the apartment belonged to Neal. The surfaces were covered with dust, suggesting no one had been there for a while, but that did not mean he would not come back someday. On the couch, she found a handkerchief with stains that looked suspiciously like dried blood, which made her wonder if a crime had been committed there.
Finding the camera with Henry's name was the last straw. Even though Emma did not understand what it meant, she was not going to let this man anywhere near her son.
That was when she decided to use her contacts with the police. She needed to confront this man, to at least attempt to get some answers, and no way was she going to talk to him without backup.
When he tried to get her to drink something, she did the one thing that made sense: she handcuffed him and called the cops over to him. Whether he was a liar or a madman, she would feel much better knowing he was in custody; and if he was truly crazy, they could help him get professional help.
They emailed her later that day, after booking him. He was not in the fingerprint database, which meant he had never been arrested before—a small reassurance. But he had no identifying documents, and there was no trace of him in other records. On paper, it was as if he did not exist.
Again, Emma's gut told her to keep searching until she found answers. She would not feel secure in her present life, or confident about her future, until she understood how this man was connected to her past. So, she decided to develop the photos on the camera. Maybe they would give some clues.
Seeing the photos—mostly of sweet, light-filled scenes and innocuous subjects—filled her with shock and horror. There were pictures of her and Henry in places she had never seen, posing with people she had never met. In one, they were sitting in front of a sign that said "Storybrooke," a place she had never heard of until the man mentioned it. In another, they were holding up tickets for a plane flying from Boston to New York, a trip they had never made.
Was it possible? Could she really have forgotten a period of her life?
Even as her mind grasped for logic—photos could be faked—she found herself heading to the police station. She needed to talk to him, and this time she was willing to consider that he might be telling the truth—not just what he believed, but what was objectively true.
If his claims were all true—what then? What did he think she had to do? If the life she was living was not real, did that mean she had to leave it behind?
"It's all based on lies," he insisted, after she got him released and demanded an explanation.
"It's real," she countered. What she meant was, It's real to me, though that made her feel like a hypocrite; she was the one who had said that believing in something did not make it true. Still, she clung to her reasons: "And it's pretty good. I have Henry, a job, a guy I love."
There was a flicker of some emotion in his face. He glanced down, almost grimacing, then recovered himself and suggested, "Perhaps there's a man that you love in the life that you've lost."
Was he talking about himself? He had kissed her, allegedly to jog her memory, and spoken of feelings he hoped she returned. But he also had some connection with Neal. Did he think she still loved him?
Ultimately, Emma decided to take Henry's advice. He was the one point of certainty in her life, the one thing that kept her on the right path. He always said to trust her gut, and right now her gut was telling her to believe, even though her rational mind was against it.
So, she took a leap of faith, and drank from the vial. She chose to do it there, in front of the police building, so if it turned out to be poison, there would be witnesses and emergency services close at hand.
The next few moments were disorienting, and not in the way poison might cause. It was like what she had heard about people who had near-death experiences, causing their life to flash before their eyes. Or like rewatching a movie that she had seen long ago and since forgotten, only remembering it as she viewed it again. Or like waking up from a dream, realizing that what seemed real was an illusion, and remembering the reality. The memories came back in an overwhelming, unstoppable rush.
Giving up her son when he was born.
Making a wish on her twenty-eighth birthday.
Ten-year-old Henry showing up at her door.
The storybook whose tales he claimed were true.
The mayor who turned out to be the Evil Queen.
Slaying a dragon.
Breaking the Dark Curse with true love's kiss.
Finding her parents, Snow White and Prince Charming.
Spending weeks in the Enchanted Forest.
Meeting Neal again, and learning the truth about him.
Almost losing Henry in Neverland.
Gold's sacrifice to save them from Pan.
The new curse.
Regina's parting gift, a promise of new memories, so it would be as though she had never given Henry up.
That was where the differences ended, when she and Henry drove away. It seemed she had truly experienced everything after that point.
Emma finally looked up, her eyes wide, and there he was: the stranger. But now she knew his name, and seeing him standing in front of her proved that everything she had just remembered was real.
"Hook," she said, almost gasping.
Hook, who had climbed a beanstalk and faced a giant with her.
Hook, who had betrayed her only to come around when least expected.
Hook, who had offered his ship and service to save Henry, even before they knew where to go.
Hook, who had given her Neal's sword and toasted his memory when they thought he was dead.
Hook, who had saved her father's life in Neverland.
Hook, who she had kissed for reasons she could barely understand.
Hook, who had confessed his feelings for her in front of her parents.
Hook, who had said—she did not know whether it was a boast, or a promise—that he would win her heart someday.
Hook, who had said he would think of her every day they were apart.
Hook, who was now her sole connection to the time, place, and people she had forgotten.
He grinned, pleased with his success, that wicked gleam coming back into his eyes. "Did you miss me?"
That was not quite the right word, but Emma did feel a kind of grief, or longing. Because as she remembered all the events she had forgotten, and recognized which of her memories were false, she felt echoes of long-ago emotions.
She remembered how much she and her family had suffered, both before and after the curse was broken.
She remembered how empty her life had felt before Henry found her.
She remembered how conflicted she had felt when she finally found her parents.
She remembered how worried and afraid she had been when Henry was kidnapped.
She remembered how torn she had felt about Neal, and how confused Hook made her on top of that.
She remembered how much love she felt for her family and friends, and how much it had hurt to say goodbye to them.
Hook's smile faltered when he saw the emotions crossing her face. "You're not happy to see me."
Emma sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. "I'm … happy to see that you're okay. It's just a lot to take in."
"Aye, that it is." He continued to study her, though she was now avoiding his gaze. "Are you ready to listen to me now?"
She nodded, and then turned around, gesturing to him. "Let's go back to my place. I need a drink."
They had to walk several blocks to reach her apartment building. Walking by his side felt familiar—she had done that a lot during their time in Neverland—but it was odd to do so in the busy streets, passing by people who knew nothing about magic and thought that Captain Hook was a fictional character. She was just glad that New Yorkers were so used to peculiarly-dressed people, most of them did not spare Hook a second glance.
"I'm sorry I had you arrested," Emma said abruptly as they waited at a crosswalk.
Hook actually smiled at that. "I half expected something of the sort. It almost felt like old times."
She looked at him apologetically. "I know I should be thanking you." She shrugged helplessly. "I'm sorry I'm not feeling it."
He gave a short nod. "I can understand why you wouldn't."
Letting him into her apartment felt quite vulnerable. The day before, she had not even let him past the threshold; and even in Storybrooke, he had never come as far into her parents' apartment.
Hook gazed around the spacious living room and kitchen, full of comfortable furniture, plants, and decorations. "This is a fine place, as far as lodgings go in this world," he commented.
"Yeah. Better than I had in Boston." Emma busied herself with putting away her coat and getting some drinking glasses. "On my own I was pretty minimalistic. Living with Henry made me want nicer things, for his sake."
Hook followed a few paces behind her. "How has he been, this past year?"
"He's been great," Emma said, her tone noticeably brighter, almost cheerful. "He has friends, does well in school. He doesn't get into as much trouble as he did in Storybrooke. We've been happy together."
This was followed by an awkward pause. Who knew whether they would be happy now that Hook had brought back everything from their previous lives?
As Hook got comfortable at her table, and Emma picked out a drink they would both like, she took a deep breath and asked, "So, what happened after you all left?"
Hook's account was short and succinct, which Emma appreciated. She was still processing all the memories she had just regained, reconciling two different versions of her life. She could not handle much more information, and they needed to focus on the task that lay before them: finding her family and figuring this new curse.
Then, her new life came knocking, as Walsh showed up for the date Henry had arranged for her. It seemed she would not have the luxury of time to come up with a plan or alibi.
Not for the first time, Emma cursed her bad luck in romance.
It had been hard enough dealing with both Hook and Neal, when she had such mixed feelings about each of them. She had not had a chance to figure things out with either of them before they were separated. Now she also had to untangle her feelings for Walsh from that mess.
Now that she knew her past, she wondered: would she have considered Walsh as a partner if she had remembered Neal and Hook all along?
In most respects, Walsh was far easier to love. He was a normal guy, with no complicated history or tragic backstory. He treated her well and was easy to get along with. He was wholesome, uncomplicated, and unproblematic.
But Hook and Neal had both done far more for Emma than Walsh ever could. They had taken great risks for her and Henry. They had seen her at some of her best and worst moments. They knew her in ways Walsh did not, and probably never could.
Accepting Walsh's proposal seemed out of the question now. It would have been the safe, comfortable thing to do, giving her a retreat from the craziness of her other life. But with her luck as the Savior, it could also drag him into a world he had no part in, more dangerous and unpredictable than he ever bargained for.
Besides that, she could not make such a commitment now that she remembered all she had been through with Neal and Hook. Walsh had never risked his life for her the way they had, and she did not want to always be making unfair comparisons. If she married him, she would be haunted by the what-ifs.
Emma knew, at once, that she had to end things with Walsh, for his own good. She knew, too, that she could not tell him the truth about her reasons for doing so. What if he thought she was crazy? Or what if he believed her, and wanted to come along and help her face this new threat? He would be completely out of his depth.
She had no way of knowing what was going to happen. She did not know how long they would be away from New York, or what kind of danger she was going to face. They might not be able to return.
Better to make a clean break and not leave Walsh with false hope. She knew too well what that was like.
Author's Notes
As often happens, this chapter turned out much longer than originally planned. I would appreciate feedback on whether Emma's internal monologue is in-character.
It took a few rewatches for me to realize that Emma found the handkerchief Gold used when Hook wounded him in the previous season! I love continuity details like that.