Episode 4x10. Also refers to previous episodes.
"Shattered"
Hook hated himself.
Perhaps he always had, under all his swagger and bravado. But it was worse now, after trying to change for the better, and failing to do so.
His magically lengthened lifespan and seemingly unending luck had made him arrogant. And though he had given up his quest for revenge, the chance to exercise power over his old foe had been too attractive to pass up.
So he had approached the Dark One for a deal, the last thing he had ever imagined himself doing. He had used Belle as a pawn rather than tell her the truth about the fake dagger. He had believed himself invincible, forgetting the crocodile's predisposition to lie, cheat, and manipulate.
He had allowed himself to be tricked and used as an instrument for evil, trapping an innocent elderly man in that wretched hat.
Finally—worst of all—his deception put Emma in danger, at a time when she most needed help and support from those who loved her. If he had told the truth about what he had done, and what Gold was doing, she might not have trusted Gold to help her. Instead, he had even vouched for the crocodile's changed ways.
He finally poured out the truth in a phone message. He did not know for sure if the "voicemail" would get to her; but once he started, he could not stop. He needed to confess what he had done, and how much he regretted deceiving and endangering her.
"I just wanted to be a better man for you, Swan. But I failed. And now, because of that, I might lose you."
Even if she survived, he was likely to lose her in every other way: her trust, her esteem, her affection. He would have preferred that, if it meant she would live.
He should have called David and the others after that, to warn them of the danger Emma was in. But when he saw the map left behind in Gold's shop, he saw the chance to save her himself, without having to repeat the complicated story or his pathetic excuses.
Of course, Gold was waiting for him, and quite pleased by the chance to make Hook watch helplessly as Emma walked into the trap.
It was like he was on the Jolly Roger again, magically restrained by ropes while Rumplestiltskin killed his love.
His desperation turned to almost giddy relief when they realized Emma had not gone through with removing her magic. But his happiness evaporated when Gold slowly, mockingly revealed what he needed next to free himself from the dagger: Hook's own heart.
Of course Gold would not simply kill him and get it over with. He would make the pirate dirty his hand and hook one more time, confirming his role as a villain in this town full of heroes.
Killian Jones' days were numbered, and they would be spent lying and doing harm to those he loved.
He had just enough willpower of his own to be able to hug Emma, kiss her fiercely, and choose his own words as he spoke to her. She could tell something was off, but he chalked it up to how worried he had been about her, and how relieved he was now. He could not tell her just how relieved he was, nor how close she had come to self-destruction.
It was agonizing to be around his friends and allies, acting normal and ready to do his part to help, while carrying this horrible secret. He wanted to shout at them about the danger they were in, but Gold's instructions prevented his lips from forming the words.
His horror only grew when Gold revealed his plan to get rid of the fairies, dooming the rest of the town to the Spell of Shattered Sight. Was this really the same man who had sacrificed himself to save the town from Pan? Even if he cared about saving Henry, how could he be so callous as to condemn his grandson's own family to die?
"If I have to choose between everyone else and me, then me wins, every time," was Gold's careless explanation.
Hook might have said the exact same thing, just over a year ago. He hated himself for that, almost as much as he hated the crocodile now.
Gold gave him the horrid task of trapping the fairies in the hat. To do that, Hook had to wait, hiding like an assassin, while his friends passed in and out of the diner, until it was finally empty of everyone except the nuns.
He thought of Tinker Bell, and was thankful that she had made it out of Storybrooke after the Wicked Witch was defeated. Otherwise, she probably would have been there helping the other fairies find a cure.
He remembered everything the nuns had done to help when Baelfire died, and lamented that he was repaying their charity this way.
He turned his face away when he held the hat out, but he could not block out their horrified screams.
He found the Blue Fairy, Mother Superior, on her hands and knees, crawling out from behind the counter. She looked pitiful.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, begging her to believe him. "I truly am."
When he heard footsteps, he hid in the very same spot where the Mother Superior had tried to hide from him. His insides burned with shame when he heard Emma's voice. What would she think of him if she knew what he had just done? How could he ever have presumed himself worthy of her?
He watched Gold and Belle bid their farewells before she stepped into the shop to hide from the oncoming slaughter. He felt sorrier than ever for Belle, for not telling her about the fake dagger, and for her misfortune of falling in love with the Dark One.
"Now run along, dearie, and enjoy your last day in this, or any land."
Hook supposed he should be grateful to have some time to prepare for his death. Liam and Milah had had no such luxury; they had died swiftly and unexpectedly.
Hook wondered if he might be reunited with them soon. That thought had cheered him in past brushes with death, but it was less comforting now that there was so much he was leaving behind. He had set out to build a life here, with Emma, hoping to become part of her community. He had built good relationships with her parents and with Henry, allowing him to experience real friendship and even a taste of what it was like to be part of a family. And now he was losing all of it. Worse yet, they were losing him, after finally allowing him to have a place in their lives. Perhaps it was self-flattering to think they would miss him, but it would surely hurt them if he died or disappeared without an explanation.
What could he do in the time he had left, when everyone was about to be cursed? He could not be with the people he cared about most, as they all isolated themselves in different places. There was no point in writing a will, since he had no ship, crew, or treasure to make arrangements for. He could not write or call anyone to offer apologies or farewells, as Gold's control prevented him from revealing his situation.
But … perhaps there was enough leeway that he could at least see some of the others. Especially Emma … for both of their sakes, he regretted leaving her more than anyone else. If he could not warn her about what was going to happen, he ought to at least see her, and let her see him, one last time. Perhaps it would be better to say goodbye that way, without her knowing it was forever. He did not want to see the pain she would feel when she realized she was losing him.
He grieved for everything he had allowed himself to hope for in recent weeks. He and Emma would never have a second date, nor any of the things that might have come after that: their first night together, their first explicit profession of love … he had tried not to think too much about marriage, but of course he had considered it, if things went well in their courtship. But there would be no proposal, no blessing from her parents, no wedding, no homemaking, no journeys to undertake, no children to raise. Even growing old, something Hook had avoided for centuries, would have seemed like a gift if they experienced it together.
If magic always came with a price … perhaps this was the price for evading death for so long. He would not have a "happy ending."
He could only hope that Emma and the others would.
When Emma's parents told her over the phone that they had a plan, she fully expected them to have some solution for the spell.
Perhaps it was a desperate hope, but after Anna and Kristoff's sudden return, anything seemed possible. Besides, her parents were Snow White and Prince Charming; they always found a way to save the ones they loved.
She did not expect them to hand her the keys to the jail cells, resigned to wait in separate containment while she figured out how to save them. It was almost the same situation as when she was born: they were doomed to be cursed, while she was able to escape, and they were counting on her to be their Savior.
They were even entrusting their son to her. Just the other day, her mother had drawn back in fear when she tried to hold the baby. Now, Snow willingly, and even insistently, pressed Neal into her daughter's arms, despite Emma's dismay and hesitation.
It was a scene far too familiar for both mothers. Snow had parted with Emma as a newborn, and Emma had given up Henry when he was born. Neal had been ripped from Snow's arms after his birth, but now Snow was letting go of him of her own will, paradoxically hoping to protect him by staying away from him.
Emma tried to hold her brother tightly, as though that could reassure him that he was not being abandoned, that his family still loved him.
She barely had time to process everything before Hook came in. They had spoken briefly on the phone, after he discovered that the ice wall was extending to enclose the harbor and coastline.
She handed Neal to Elsa and strode over to him. "What are you doing here? You know what's about to happen." Her words came out sounding angry, and she was frustrated that he was interrupting her last moments with her parents and waiting until the last possible moment to get himself to safety.
"Aye, I know." Hook's voice was quiet, and he seemed to struggle for words as he regarded her. "I just needed to see you." He smiled just slightly. "Before I chain myself to the docks for the protection of all … I needed to see you one more time." He looked at her as though trying to memorize her appearance—as though it might be the last time he ever saw her.
There had been several times when they parted and thought they would never meet again. Only the last of those times had involved a proper goodbye, when Pan cast his version of the Dark Curse. At that time, their relationship was still too undefined for them to be comfortable saying or doing much in their farewells.
So much had changed since then. Emma now knew how much she would miss Hook if she lost him.
She did not want to admit this was a goodbye. She was not giving in to despair. But she could not deny what she knew to be a very real possibility. And, in a strange way, she appreciated Hook for not denying it.
Right now she needed someone to hold her, to support and reassure her with more than just words, and acknowledge the possibility that it might be the end for some of them. And right now, her parents were drawing back, hoping for the best, while Hook was putting himself forward, preparing for the worst.
So she kissed him goodbye, heedless of her family and friends behind her. Then she held him close, resting her chin on his shoulder; she could feel his lips and stubbled chin pressed against her neck, his nose buried in her hair.
He did not make any promises or guarantees, nor any professions of faith or feelings. He simply said, "Goodbye," took one last, quick look at her, and then turned around and walked away at a quick pace.
Emma felt a little shaken by how abruptly he left, and how restrained he had been as they kissed; but perhaps a more drawn-out farewell would have been more painful, as well as more dangerous.
She touched her lips, which were still tingling from his touch, and wondered if she would ever feel it again.
Then she turned back to the others, took her brother in her arms, and braced herself for the coming storm.
Author's Note: It does not become apparent until later seasons, but I truly think Hook's confidence is a mask for self-loathing. He had flaws and weaknesses even before his life as a pirate, and he is really hard on himself for all his misdeeds.