Author's note: I wrote this at the end of Season 2, to mend my own heartbreak with how it left off. It jumps from the end of Season 2 to the end of (my imagining of) Season 3.
The rumbling from below and the shattering from above was getting louder. Smoke erupted around their feet, and lightning danced dangerously close, singing the hems of pants and the collars of jackets.
"Well, my dear," Aziraphale squeaked in a voice tightened by sorrow, "I think this may be the end of our forever." He reached for Crowley's hand.
"Aziraphale, you are shaking like one of my plants." Crowley laughed weakly, taking the offered hand and squeezing tightly. "I will say though, in six thousand years, I've pictured us in loads of scenarios- and this was not one of them. Where's ol' Nutter when we need her, eh?"
Aziraphale laughed and stared at their hands with a sad longing. Tears fell from his cheeks, making streaks in the dust. The sounds were becoming deafening now, and the lightning was getting closer.
"Crowley, I-" began Aziraphale, "I just need to tell you-" but he was quieted by a surprisingly tender kiss, just as the room went black.
After the dust (and the occasional feather) had settled, Crowley and Aziraphale found themselves standing in the middle of the crumbling mezzanine of Heaven. They were embraced as tightly as their human forms would allow, each other's wings outstretched, attempting (futile, they were sure) to shield the other from the permanent disassociation they were certain awaited them. One would not expect to survive a simultaneous & coordinated smiting from both Heaven and Hell at the same time. Two wouldn't expect to, either, come to think of it.
There was silence as Crowley and Aziraphale slowly realized that they could still feel their fingers, toes, and the itchiness of the marble and brimstone bits that settled into their wings.
"Angel," Crowley ventured in a wavering, and uncharacterizable high voice, "are we…?"
"Yes," Aziraphale breathed into the shoulder of Crowley's dusty black jacket, "I-I believe we are. Alive, that is."
They tentatively begin to detach from each other, looking around at what was once the gilded & bright expanse of Heaven. They couldn't see anything beyond the small circle of gold-flaked marble they stood on. A brilliant light shone down on the circle that seemed to come from directly above them, and very far away. Crowley wiped the dust from his glasses on his scarf, an action which actually deposited more dust than it removed. He blessed quietly and stuffed the glasses in his jacket.
"Hello?" called Aziraphale, cupping his hands around his mouth to amplify his voice into the seemly endless void. "Anybody?"
Crowley and Aziraphale looked at each other and shrugged.
"Well, this can't be it," Crowley growled. "Nothing in this Satan-forsaken place happens for no reason. Show yourself!" He bellowed into the darkness. His eyes glowed dangerously.
There was the sound of a heavy lever being pulled, or perhaps pushed, and more lights appeared one by one, accompanied by distant thunks, in a straight line ahead of them. As the lights appeared, so did more circles of marble. There was a large desk at the very end of the line of marble stepping stones, with two figures sitting in high-backed chairs.
Aziraphale looked at Crowley, asking a silent question.
The question was, "What do you think, my dear? Should we go for it?"
Crowley gave a curt nod, which Aziraphale clearly understood as "Fuck it. What else can they do to us?" Crowley grabbed the Angel's hand, and they smiled at one another before stepping onto the next circle together, then the next, and the next, until they reached the desk.
There were two people sitting at a solid gold desk, in solid gold chairs. They stared at Crowley and Aziraphale with amused expressions.
The person in the right chair was a tall, graceful, androgynous person. They had a beautiful, deep brown complexion with long, black dreadlocks that were sprinkled with tiny stars. They could have been real stars, too, by the way they flickered and seemed to glow of their own accord. This individual wore a slim white velvet suit with golden buttons and an ascot that appeared to be made from woven diamonds. Their most distinctive feature, however, was their lavender eyes that could burn holes in the very walls of hell or create billions of consciousnesses in a single wink. It really depended on the day.
The figure in the left chair was a middle-aged woman with an olive complexion that looked both like clouds swirling below glass. She had ocean-blue eyes. In fact, her eyes were literally the ocean. Every now and then one could see a dolphin or, much to one's horror, a spider crab swimming just behind the surface. Her hair was like molten silver in a smooth, razor-sharp, chin-length haircut. It was dotted with butterflies. Extinct ones. Very extinct ones. From her earlobes dangled complete, perfect solar systems with moons, comets, and a smattering of UFOs. The pair gazed silently at the Angel and Demon for a very long time from across the golden desk. Or was it a very short time? Silence feels longer than it is in most cases, especially when you're awaiting punishment.
"What idiot designed this monstrosity of a desk? It's uglier than righteousness." Crowley thought.
What he said instead was, "Who the FUCK are you lot then?"
Aziraphale laughed nervously and stammered, "What Crowley means to say, of course, i-is that we are, well, Crowley and Aziraphale, and we haven't had the p-pleasure of making you're aq-quaintence."
Both figures smiled widely, exposing teeth that were bejeweled in colors never seen by human eyes.
"How rude of us," said the silver-haired woman, "I am God, and" she said, waving a graceful hand to the person next to her, "this is Lucifer. I don't believe you've seen us in our human forms before. To answer your other question, Mr. Crowley, I am the one who designed the desk."
If the previous silence between the four of them had been long, it would have been a drop in the bucket compared to this second one.
Aziraphale opened his mouth to speak, but only coughed up a bit of marble.
Crowley cleared his throat and croaked, "What…in the Heaven…or hell…is going on?"
God and Lucifer exchanged mischievous glances. Lucifer replied in a silky, luxurious voice, "It seems that you two have come to believe that our Grand Plans are a great place to hurl any giant wrenches you have lying around."
Aziraphale began shaking in such a way that he was clean of any dust by the time Lucifer's sentence ended.
"Would you care to explain why you have stopped both the Apocalypse AND the Second Coming?" God said gently, but with the unmistakable undertone of a parent catching a child with their hand in a jar of sweets.
"Well, you see, God. Erm, the thing is, that is to say, myself and Mr. Crowley here-" Aziraphale began.
"Yeah, I'll tell you exactly why I did it. By myself, I should clarify." Crowley declared. Aziraphale whirled his head to look at Crowley and said,
"No, no, no, it was me. I made all the plans, and it was all me alone. Every step of the way."
"Angel don't be ridiculous. You are FAR to virtuous and I am a Demon, after all-"
"That's precisely my point, you are a Demon, so you are absolutely lying in this moment. I have the superior intelligence, and am clearly doing the planning here, I spend all my time reading, and…and plotting! Yes, plotting!"
Both Aziraphale and Crowley were arguing directly with each other at this point and using far too many theatrical hand gestures. God and Lucifer watched on in bewildered amusement as the Angel and Demon spoke over each other increasing in volume until only snippets could be heard.
"…you are OBVIOUSLY incapable-"
"..too obsessed with that CAR to be able-"
"…always at the Ritz-"
"..the plants-"
"…wine bottles and-"
"…it was me ALONE!" They shouted in unison, then stood breathing heavily and turning beet red from the neck up.
God and Lucifer stood slowly and pressed the wrinkles out of their clothes. God cleared her throat and said quietly,
"For both our sakes- we know it was the TWO of you together. We just want to know why." A spider crab wandered across her eyes and clicked its claws menacingly.
Aziraphale sighed and dropped his chin to his chest. He searched again for Crowley's hand, which he found in a similar struggle to find his own. They interlocked their fingers, and Aziraphale took a deep breath. He rose himself up to his full height and stated clearly,
"We stopped the Apocalypse and the Second Coming because it was the right thing to do. We've come to love this planet, and the people on it."
"Plus, I don't think Jesus was at all bloody keen to come back, given how he was treated the first time around-" Crowley interjected.
"Quite." Aziraphale continued. "These people you have created do not deserve the pain and suffering they go through. We've seen it every day for six thousand years. All the children starving and getting horrible illnesses, pointless wars, horrible accidents; I could go on and on!"
"Not to mention taxes," Crowley interjected. "Right evil stuff, even for my lot, that."
"Right, taxes, too. To have everyone go through such horrible experiences, only to die in hellfire whenever you decide to scrap the whole planet seems…well, it's…" Aziraphale dug deep in his well-read mind to find an eloquent veil for the truth, but he came up empty. So instead, he bellowed, "it's fucking monstrous!"
Crowley's eyes went so wide that he was afraid he'd never be able to shut them again.
"They do brilliant things, as well," Aziraphale continued, after a few deep breaths. "They create art, music, write wonderful books, oh and the magic tricks (you really must see one of those), as well as the food- my goodness, and most of all…they love. Love is a miracle that they are very adept at." His breath caught in his chest and his eyes brimmed with tears as he said, "and I think they deserve better than what you've given them. Furthermore, I think…I think you owe us an explanation, as well."
They sat in silence for a time. Crowley fumbled with his glasses one-handedly and put them on to hide the fact that his eyes were full of tears as well. He'd only cried once before. It was in his Bentley after Aziraphale left with the Metatron. His tears were hot and bitter then. This time, the tears came from pride and didn't hurt at all.
Lucifer flashed a beautiful and terrifying smile before saying,
"It's truly marvelous, isn't it? The one miracle we gave the humans. The glorious thing about love is that it has both the power to create, and to destroy. A knife that can slice a cake or slice a heart into ribbons. The difference is entirely up to the wielder."
God nodded in agreement.
"Lucifer and I gave this miracle first to the Angels, and then to the humans, as a gift. To see how you'd use it."
"I beg your holiest pardon, but what the FUCK do you mean you AND Lucifer?" Crowley asked, placing his hands on his hips. One of the lenses of his glasses fell from the frames and bounced off the marble circle and into oblivion below.
"Yes, perhaps we should go back to the Beginning," God began.
"We know all that already," Crowley interrupted with an impatient sigh.
Lucifer waved their hand at Crowley, and his voice vanished. He was still talking, but his voice was elsewhere. Meanwhile, a small frog in the middle of rich rainforest in South America was horrified by the string of expletives that erupted from the bubbles in his favorite mud puddle.
Once Crowley stopped his silent tirade, God continued,
"I'll take you back to before the Beginning…well, began. The first thing I made was me. I won't bother explaining that part because you don't think in any dimensions over nine and changing that takes more work than you think." She sat down in her golden chair and rubbed her temples.
"I hate that bloody chair," Crowley grumbled to the frog. The frog wasn't sure what a "chair" was, but he blinked in agreement to avoid the wrath of the bubbles.
"Next, I tried to create light. The funny thing about light, though, is that you need shadow to see it. Once I had that thought, Lucifer came into being. They weren't my creation; I could feel that immediately. They were in perfect opposition to me. They balanced everything. They gave me the power to give my creations meaning. Meaning and purpose. It was only when Lucifer arrived that Love was created."
"You see," Lucifer said, "Love cannot exist solely in the light, nor only in the dark. Love, real, pure love, can only be found in those baffling and delicate shades of gray. We existed together for immeasurable time, until we created time, that is, coming up with the Grand Plan. Then we created you- the Angels and eventual Demons. Of course, we had to make you think I was one of you for all this to work. Then we planted the seed of Choice. Those that chose dissent and discord became my Fallen Angels; my Demons." Lucifer smiled so warmly at Crowley that he almost smiled back. Almost.
"The whole purpose was to see how far you would go to protect the only thing in our universe that matters; Love." God continued. "How far would you bend the rules to do what your heart tells you is right? Today we found out. You'd shatter them."
Aziraphale and Crowley looked as though they had been slapped about the face with a rather large trout.
"Sorry, but have we done the right thing, or the wrong thing, then?" Aziraphale managed to sputter. "Are we to face punishment?"
"You've managed to do both, and yes. Seeing as no one has ever overthrown the Grand Plan before, we'll have to think up something unique, indeed." God said, grinning so wide that the planets dangling by her ears were in danger of being sucked into her mouth. The crabs clicked and clacked in her eyes.
"Yes," purred Lucifer. "I think I have just the thing." They scooted their chair over to God and they whispered very animatedly behind their hands, making sure to grin mischievously and point ominously at the two.
"Well, I'll be blessed," Crowley whispered to the frog. The frog, who had been quietly trying to inch away from the mud puddle froze in fear and blinked again.
"Crowley," Aziraphale said as tears streaked his cheeks yet again and dropped onto his jacket. "I just want you to know that no matter what happens, you were the only miracle I ever needed."
Crowley lowered his glasses, wiped the Angel's tears with his scarf (which unfortunately added more dust) and they held each other, waiting for the verdict.
Lucifer gave Crowley back his voice with a casual wave of their hand as God stood and cleared her throat.
"The Angel Aziraphale and the Demon Crowley, you have broken every rule that Heaven and Hell have laid in stone. You have sabotaged and lied to your own agencies for thousands of years. You have ignored direct orders, and perhaps worst of all- you've forged memos on official letterheads, and I think Accounts Payable are missing a pen. We, the supreme beings of this universe, sentence you to…" God took a very dramatic pause here, "…an eternity of working for the Agents of Ambiguity."
"What- what on Earth are the Agents of Ambiguity?" Crowley whispered.
"Exactly!" shouted Lucifer. "It is indeed on Earth. You will retain your immortality, other physical forms, and abilities, but you will be stripped of your Angel and Demon status, respectively. You are henceforth sentenced to spend eternity doing the very thing you were brought before us for- caring for the people of Earth, and for each other. Finding Love in the shades of gray."
God and Lucifer snapped in unison, and three things happened; Crowley and Aziraphale's clothing and wings changed to a lovely ambiguous gray, Crowley's sunglasses were restored, and an ornate gray door appeared behind them. They marveled for a moment at their new clothes; the stunning silver buttons, glimmering threads in the seams, and the pocket squares made of the same material as Lucifer's diamond-threaded ascot. Even their wings had a silver opalescence to them.
"You'll need a headquarters, of course. We were thinking that little cottage you two are so fond of would do nicely," said God with a smile that could, and likely has, poured light into the deepest caverns of the seas.
"It's a small department; just the two of you." Added Lucifer.
"Ah, yes, and since you're working for both Heaven and Hell, you'll need immunity to Hellfire and Holy water, respectively. You'll need to be able to move freely between departments, after all." Another snap, but this one tickled a bit. "You report directly to us, and we'll write in the highly unlikely event that we need anything. Well," God continued, rubbing her hands together. "I believe everything is all tickety-"
Aziraphale raised a quivering hand and asked, "Begging your pardon, but could I perhaps have my suit and wings…a bit of a lighter shade of gray…if possible?"
"Ooh, yes and mine a bit on the darker side?" Crowley added.
Lucifer narrowed their eyes and snapped again, but there was a little electric jolt with this one.
"Go on, there's work to be done." God smiled, her eyes sparkling with a marvelous absence of crab. God and Lucifer stood and turned their backs to the new Agents of Ambiguity and walked away into the black expanse of oblivion. As they walked, Lucifer reached for God's hand and said,
"This universe is growing up so quickly. Let's make another one!"
They faded away, their conversation melting into the darkness.
Aziraphale turned to Crowley, buried his face in the shoulder of his suit jacket.
"You know I love you dearly, don't you Crowley?"
"And I love you, Angel. To Hell and back."
Crowley turned first and grabbed the doorknob. He held his free hand out to Aziraphale, who beamed and took it in his own. They tucked their wings away for now.
"Ready, Angel?"
"Oh, my yes. Where should we go?"
Crowley opened the door and held it open for Aziraphale. He saw the familiar bustling London street, with the old bookshop right across the street. Muriel was in the window display, arranging the books and chatting to customers with a soft smile.
"How about an incredibly alcoholic breakfast at the Ritz?" Crowley asked. Aziraphale beamed and replied,
"Ah, yes, I think a table for two just opened up…"
The door swung closed behind them with a quiet click before vanishing into the wall of the coffee shop behind them, and they sauntered vaguely toward an eternity of love.
The End- for now.