A/N So I've been having great success with writing outlines for the upcoming chapters which has spurred me on to write more. I probably won't update again until next week. But I hope you enjoy this.
Once again I do not have a Beta but if you'd like to volunteer I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you for sticking with this story and for all your kind words and reviews. ON TO THE ANGST
Severus quelled the panic that arose as he took in the dark expanse. The speed at which she had forced herself into deep occlusion was both impressive and concerning. Whatever she had learned was monumental and he feared what effect it would have on the young woman and her memory loss. He closed his eyes and reached out for the bond.
It was faint but straight ahead. Despite the odd out of body feeling he was experiencing, he ran forward into the abyss, chasing the faint feeling of the bond and the fiery licks of Hermione's magic. Severus came upon a wall of black stone and focused his magic towards it. BOMBARDA!
The spell blew a hole in the middle of the wall that began rebuilding immediately. Severus jumped through the hole. By the time his feet hit the ground the hole closed and he was in oppressive darkness. He quickly cast lumos and found Hermione's mind library was dark and disheveled. Severus recalled the last time he was here, when she had shown him the conversation with Dumbledore about her parents.
"Hermione?" He called out as he stepped around toppled furniture and books.
The Potions Master heard a soft gasp from behind the desk in the corner. Cautiously he crossed the room. When he circled the desk he found Hermione curled up under it surrounded by the books he recognized held her memories of her parents. She didn't look up at him but tears spilled freely down her face as she turned the pages. Crouching down, he joined her under the desk with his legs splayed out in front of him, too long to fit in the cramped space.
"Hermione. Talk to me," He spoke in a low soft voice. Her brow rose when she lifted her head and turned to him. "The door is open."
"You've said that to me before." As if she just realized who was sitting next to her she slammed the book shut, "Professor Snape. You're in my mind."
"Astute observation as always, Hermione," He quipped.
"You've been here before, haven't you?" She asked. Despite disliking explaining himself, he allowed her questions if it would stop her tears, even momentarily.
"Yes, Hermione. A few times. It's always a library and always in different states of repair and disrepair," Severus answered. He guided the lit tip of his wand to look at the carnage around them. "Do you mind allowing the sconces to be lit?"
Hermione hesitated then nodded. Immediately half the sconces lit, enough light to maneuver around the room safely, but not bright enough to remove the gloom that had descended upon them. He could feel her staring at him, but he resolutely looked out at the room. Without another word he began charming her library back to its original state, not speaking, only giving his presence in solidarity.
"You keep calling me Hermione," The girl closed the books around her and stacked them to her left side.
"You asked me to call you that," He did not look at her, allowing her to set the pace. Severus knew he had to be delicate. She had pulled her mind library so far back that he would need her cooperation to save her from the abyss of deep occlusion.
"I don't remember."
"Obviously."
"I like it when you say it. Your voice is soothing," She closed her eyes and sighed.
Severus finished the majority of the work he was doing before looking back to her. The tear stains on her cheeks were still prominent and her hair was a mess as always. Yet you still find her beautiful like this but even more so in your bed. He waved away the memory of his follies.
"Hermione, talk to me." His voice was not stern nor forceful. It was almost a plea. He knew how she had spiraled the first time. The catalyst to their current coupling.
"You know already, I can tell. I don't know how but I can," She rubbed new tears away with more force than was needed, "You know how they died."
Severus took a deep breath. "How did you find out? I know that you never told Potter the details."
"Journals. I kept journals. Ginny reminded me," She sniffled, "I thought it would help me remember to look at what I had written. None of it was that familiar to me but then the passages stopped. All this research, arithmancy, notes, book titles and snippets of life at Grimmauld place, all ended with an article. I never wrote in the journal again after that."
"Article?" Severus prodded. Another muffled sob racked her body as she pulled a thin sheaf of newspaper out of a book of memories and handed it to him. He only knew about it because of what little she had shared with him. But seeing the article, the hair and eyes of the girl next to him on the visage of an older woman. The man next to her had Hermione's nose and smile. It felt wrong to see them when they were already gone. Quickly his eyes scanned the article and he felt queasy at the details therein.
23 muggles dead because one decided he wanted to go down fighting? Three of the dead were younger than first years. He had known the personal brutality of man at the hands of his father, Tobias. But this heedless, useless violence was evil in its own right. There was no sense and he understood even more why Hermione bore the guilt so heavily. Her parents would likely have survived the war, untouched by magic, if this single muggle had come to his senses.
The contrast of the proud evilness of the Dark Lord to the quiet destruction caused by a muggle was striking. Next to him he could hear his bonded weeping. Unable to resist the need to comfort her he folded up the article, tucked it back into the book and then pulled the grieving girl into his arms. She did not resist, sinking into his embrace and sobbing into his shoulder.
Severus kept a soothing hand running up and down the length of her back, while pulling her into his lap to make the position more comfortable. Hermione continued to sniffle and sob, pressing herself into his embrace with her hands gripping his frock coat. He didn't realize he had been softly shushing her and feeding her platitudes in his soft rumbling voice until she sat up and looked at him. He stopped abruptly. The Slytherin didn't know how long they had been sitting there but her sudden movement had startled him out of his own deep thoughts.
He noticed belatedly that, although her eyes were red, she didn't have tears down her face nor a running nose. Between their comforting embrace and soft words she had stopped crying. Their eyes met and the bond surged forward, the urge to kiss her and to make her forget the pain she had been forced to relive spread through his being. With a growl at himself, he removed his hands and pushed her off his lap.
Severus scrambled to his feet, bumping his head into the edge of the desk as he went, making him curse under his breath. He flexed his hands anxiously before holding one out for her to take so he could help her from her spot under the desk. Hermione's touch was hesitant but the feel of their skin touching made the liquid heat and the blustering fire of their magics dance between them like ebbing and flowing waves.
Hermione gasped, then let go of his hand. Stepping away she started to shuffle through loose paper on the desk, her back to him. "You should go, Professor."
"I will not leave you here," he countered sternly.
"I want to stay here. It's my mind. I can push you out," She threatened.
"While your occlumency is impressive, Hermione, you still stand no chance to a practiced Legilimens like myself. Do not make such empty threats," He scoffed.
She whirled around and glared at him, "I never gave you permission to be here. So leave me alone."
He closed the distance between them in two long strides until they were nearly chest to chest. Severus looked down into her face, holding her chin so she couldn't look away, "You may not remember the promises I made to you, Hermione. But I do. I will not lock you away in this library."
"You should have," She replied coldly. Her dark reply concerned him. "Everyone would have been better off if I had just run off with my family. I could have been there to save them or at least die with them."
With a great push she shoved him away and began to pick up the last few books still strewn across the floor. He didn't like where her thoughts were going. Following her around the room he baited her, "I had thought you were smarter than your dunderheaded friends, Hermione, but that was definitely the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say."
"Shut up, Snape," The growl was laced in frustration. To hear her refer to him without even his title was unnerving.
"You are looking at the proof of what I just said. You think 'everyone' would have been better off if you'd gone off and died? If you had died like you wish, I would still bear a cursed mark, have my soul beholden to two masters, and vows I had no choice but to make. There is nothing you could have done to save your parents!" Severus gripped her bicep and held her in place. "Think, woman! Did you really send them there because you wanted to?"
Hermione fought for release but he held fast, "Let me go, you bastard!"
"Think, Hermione! Ask yourself the questions you would ask anyone who would do what you did. The Order has safe houses. There is Grimmauld Place and of course this very castle! Why would you, the brightest witch of her age, jump to the irreversible conclusion of obliviating your parents and sending them to another country, in full view?" The question stopped her struggling. Different emotions passed over her expressive face from frustration, then realization, horror, and finally fury. Her breathing was coming fast and shallow.
"Hermione, breathe!" She closed her eyes and tried to steady her breath. Severus audibly breathed with her, to give her a pace to match. When she finally opened her eyes they once more held the dead look in them he had recognized all those months ago when he had fallen with her off the Astronomy Tower. "Hermione?"
"It was Dumbledore wasn't it? He…told me to do it or made me do it. He would be the only one powerful enough to influence someone without the use of a spell." The young woman sounded stoic but her voice cracked when she spoke again, "This is what you wanted to keep from me. Not just the bond between us, but my parents and what Dumbledore did."
"We feared, I feared how you would handle all the news at once. Forgive me for keeping things from you,'" Severus apologized, moving his grip so he could take her hands.
"It hurts," Her voice trembled, "It hurts so much. I hate him."
"I know," Severus agreed.
"I want to die," She murmured.
"So help me, Hermione Jean Granger, if you allude to your death one more time I will lock you in my potions lab so you may never leave," He shoved her into an armchair then bent over her, his hands on either side of her on the chairs arms. "Have you forgotten that you are bonded? Your death could mean the end for Potter and I. You would likely rid this war of two of its biggest players to assuage your unnecessary guilt. You're better than that, witch."
Looking abashed, she nodded her head. "I'm sorry. You're right."
Feeling a bit bad for being so harsh, he knelt before her and placed a hand on her knee, "I know you are angry and confused and hurt. You've still got memories locked away and now I've told you that the Great Wizard, Dumbledore, plays as many manipulative games as any other evil despot. But the war still needs to be won. We have already promised each other to make it to the end of this war alive. I do not make promises lightly."
"What if I don't remember the promise?" He almost snapped at her until he saw the twitch of her lip and the slight brightening of her gaze. She gripped one of his hands with both of hers, rubbing comforting circles into his skin. The contact was exquisite.
"I know you, Hermione. An act of sacrifice is as easy to you as breathing. But from this moment on, do not sacrifice anything more for anyone else, not even for me." He pleaded, his gaze softening as he lifted a hand to her cheek and caressed her skin.
She turned into his touch but looked bashful doing it. "Prof-Severus, I saw some of the notes for the ritual. It seems I was pretty confident that we…um...had some interest in each other. Some of the notes said that the ritual would work better if the two involved had some…mutual ardor for each other."
He huffed in amusement, "I shouldn't be surprised that you would be so thorough when handling the ritual. Considering the results you were right."
"I don't love you," She blurted out.
While it stung a little, it was also amusing to hear her say it again. What he had learned the day before about her bond to Potter had only solidified his thoughts on Hermione's ability to love those around her. "You've told me that before Hermione. You also said you thought you couldn't love anyone and my response remains the same; you have more capacity to love than most people."
"We spent time together before I lost my memories, didn't we," She asked, curiosity taking precedence.
"By the time the incident that took your memories occurred, we had spent a fair bit of time together. The strongest connections are made in the midst of adversity, Hermione." Severus got up from the floor, "Come, let's clean up and get out of here. You must not occlude this deeply again, Miss Granger."
"I'd finally called you Severus and now you're calling me Miss Granger again?" She stood, although sadness still surrounded her there was a hint of amusement.
"The door has closed for today, Miss Granger. We have an Order meeting to get to and I would rather not be mauled by the mutt by referring to you in such a friendly manner. We may have come to an understanding between us, but outside of this library and this bond we are still Professor and Student." He squeezed her shoulders reassuringly.
"I forgot about the meeting," Hermione whispered. Then her eyes turned angry. "How will I face Dumbledore after remembering what he did?"
"You will act like you don't remember. Using your amnesia as a cover while we share information will help us work around Dumbledore's subterfuge. There are things he has kept even from me that I know will be important for this war. I have to stay in his good graces to get him to talk," Severus knew it was a long and winding road ahead. There was a soft thump behind them. He stepped back and found a black book sitting in the middle of the desk. The book elicited a feeling of sickness. Upon reading the title, Snape's jaw dropped open. Horcrux
—-
Harry led the way to the Great Hall. He had to tell someone that they hadn't been able to find Hermione. Following their quidditch match they had gone to the Gryffindor tower to pull the girl into a game of Exploding Snap. When they hadn't found her there, they tried her rooms which were warded shut. They had split up and looked in the library, the grounds, and even had visited Hagrid. As the hours passed they tried her rooms again. But no matter what spells they cast they couldn't break the wards.
Harry burst into the Great Hall where the Order meeting was to take place. The house tables had been replaced with a long wide table that would seat the core members of the Order easily. The only ones who had already arrived were Remus, Sirius, and Tonks.
"Harry!" Sirius called out excitedly, striding forward and pulling the young man into a hug, "Ready to spend Christmas in the Noble House of Black?"
"Sirius, you have to help us find Hermione. We haven't seen her in hours. I think she locked herself in the Head Girl rooms," Harry explained to Sirius. Remus looked over concerned but before he could say anything the main doors opened wider as Dumbledore led in the rest of the Order. Another group entered from the teacher's entrance with McGonagall at the helm.
The sea of people brought a cacophony, especially the Weasleys. The siblings all greeted each other and Molly Weasley fussed over everyone. Harry, Ginny, and Ron were thrust into chairs at the table. Nearly 10 minutes of shuffling and greetings took place before Dumbledore called the meeting to attention. Most seats were filled and Harry's anxiety skyrocketed when he noticed that the only two not present are Hermione and Snape.
"Welcome everyone. We have quite a bit to cover tonight before dinner is served," Dumbledore sat at the head of the table looking along the length of it at all of those seated.
"Wait, Albus, Ginny shouldn't be here, she is much too young. I think all those who are still attending Hogwarts should be excluded until graduation." Mrs. Weasley said, looking pointedly at her two youngest children.
"Forgive me, Molly, but I will speak for myself and say I am quite pleased to have Draco here considering our positions as refugees and wards of the Order," Mrs. Malfoy said, calmly and with no room for rebuke.
"I agree with Cissy, let them stay. Merlin knows that they are as entrenched in this as the rest of us, if not more." Sirius chimed in, clapping Harry on the shoulder. Harry ignored the light arguing that ensued over their presence at the table, instead he was staring at the doors to the Great Hall, willing Hermione to walk through them.
Harry only refocused when Dumbledore spoke over everyone, "While I appreciate your concerns. I think these young people have not only proven their bravery and loyalty, but also deserve to know the details of the war effort they are already part of. We need every wand on our side that can contribute to the greater good."
Mrs. Weasley finally nodded in acquiescence. Then the doors to the Great Hall opened and Harry felt the tension finally leave his chest when Hermione walked through the door. That tension was only to be replaced by an onslaught of jealousy as she walked in with her hand around Snape's, pulling him into the room with her. The silence at the table seemed to grow more heavy at the sight of them walking up to the table and taking the last two seats, putting Snape at the other end of the table and Hermione next to Draco.
Harry's eyes raked over Hermione, noticing her red eyes and the tremor in her shoulders. She rolled her bottom lip between her teeth before glancing at Snape who nodded to her in understanding.
"What the hell, Snape? What happened to trying to break the bond?" Sirius stood, pointing accusingly at the Potions Master who looked no less intimidating despite not wearing his outer robes or cloak. With his hair tied back Harry could actually believe that they had been classmates. "Harry said you've had her locked up in her rooms for hours!"
"Severus!" McGonagall gasped.
"Bond? Severus and Hermione?" Mrs. Weasley looked as if she would faint.
"Sirius, you idiot!" Remus grabbed Sirius by an arm and forced him back into his chair.
After a long suffering sigh, Snape steepled his fingers and propped his elbows on the table. "Remus, she already knows about the bond. And yes, Molly, due to some extenuating circumstances and the brilliance of a certain Gryffindor, Miss Granger and I are bound by soul and by magical core. To counter your implications, Mutt, I simply warded her rooms because she had some questions for me regarding the origin of the bond and some of her research around it that she has come across."
"Um…I feel like we've missed a huge chunk of this story and it seems like a story worth hearing," Tonks piped up, looking around the table for support.
This seemed to be the opening everyone needed as questions and comments rolled out in a cacophony. Harry noticed that Hermione did not speak and seemed to defer to Snape. At the other end of the table, Harry was unsettled to find the Headmaster looking on at the squabbling table with a twinkle of amusement in his eyes.
"Enough!" Snape's voice boomed. He tilted his head and nodded at Hermione, "Miss Granger wishes to speak and I do believe it would behoove all of you to listen."
Properly chastised the diverse group grew quiet, looking down the table expectantly. Hermione stood and took a deep breath then turned to her audience. "There has been a lot happening here at Hogwarts but not all of it is relevant to the goal of this meeting which is war strategy."
Her voice had started out softly and grew in volume and confidence. When her eyes met his, Harry noticed the detached look in her gaze, the one she had when they had left Grimmauld and started that term. Did Snape reveal more to her? Has she regained some of her memories?
Hermione continued, "The most important is that Professor Snape can no longer spy for the Order."
There were murmurs around the table from those who had not been made aware, that Hermione ignored. "I have lost about 6 months of my memory in an unfortunate accident. Due to this I have very little details as to the ritual I forced upon Professor Snape earlier this year that rid him of the Dark Mark and also bound us together. While the bond can be…unpredictable, I do not see it as a priority for the Order. If you have specific questions you may ask me privately but the knowledge of the bond will not leave any of your lips to anyone outside of those present."
The last part was a threat if ever Harry heard one. He recalled the way Hermione had enchanted the DA sheet that had left their classmate scarred for a year. Hermione moved to stand near Snape, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Sirius, you will stop accusing Professor Snape of all your horrid fantasies or I will use you as target practice. I have kept an animagus trapped before and I have no qualms about doing it again. Understand?"
There was a twitch to Snape's lip that Harry suspected was either surprise or amusement. No one in the Order knew what Hermione had done to Rita Skeeter. He glanced at his godfather who made to protest but at the look in Harry's eye, Sirius shut his mouth.
"Professor Snape and I are working on the ritual and what I had initially modified so that we may be able to understand our bond more and possibly isolate the part of the enchantment that relieved him of dark magic, as there are a few among us who would benefit from this." She glanced at Draco and him. Harry could tell she was looking at his scar. "This is the last we will speak of the bond unless it becomes relevant to the war effort."
Hermione took her seat again while sharing another long look at the Potions Master. Harry suddenly felt like they were closer than he had ever been with her. Whatever they had shared in her rooms earlier had shifted their relationship into something more intimate than it had been since Hermione had lost her memory. Before his jealousy distracted him, Tonks once more broke the silence.
"So, um, I might be the only one who cares," Tonks said, looking around the room.
"Then by all means, don't ask whatever it is you want to ask, Nymphadora," Snape drawled.
Tonks glared at Snape but continued, "Is no one going to acknowledge that Professor Snape looks like he's aged backwards? And that he isn't wearing his bat wings?"
This unexpected inquiry broke the tension as most of the Weasley children laughed, and others murmured their agreement or coughed to cover up their own amusement.
"Nymphadora, let us just call it a positive side effect to being forced into a soul bond, and tethered to the magical core of the brightest witch of her age," Snape almost sounded smug about it, tempting Harry to blurt out that he also had a bond with Hermione.
"Call me Nymphadora one more time, Severus!"
"Nympha-"
The benign tickling spell, left her wand a moment later only for it to be blocked with an impressive opaque shield. The casting of which had sent a ripple of warm magic through the room, catching everyone off guard. When the shield was extinguished it revealed Hermione standing in front of Snape, his chair pushed back so that she was planted between him and the table. Her hair sparked with magic as she dropped the hand she had lifted up to cast the spell. But most jarring of all was the way her eyes glowed golden.
Snape stood up, put his hands on her shoulders and whispered something in her ear. Everyone held their breath until she visibly relaxed, her hair falling back to its natural state, and her eyes losing the unnatural glow. Harry watched as Hermione turned to acknowledge the professor, cupping his cheek briefly. Then she turned back to glare at Tonks.
For the first time, Harry felt like he wasn't looking at Hermione but someone he didn't even know.