"Always look for your enemies' weaknesses," Tigerstar was lecturing. "Even a cat stronger than you has weak spots- your job is to find and exploit them. Make a plan, pick your moment, and strike."
Hollyleaf had to hold herself back from rolling her eyes. Sometimes she thought Tigerstar enjoyed listening to the sound of his own voice more than he cared about actually teaching her anything. She knew all of this strategy, of course. And she had argued with Breezepelt that morning- just a foolish argument about her putting them at risk by getting too close to ThunderClan. But she wanted to get on with training already so she could get back to him.
She had already been training in the Dark Forest for more than six moons, and she still felt like she had barely accomplished anything. Tigerstar and Hawkfrost talked and talked about their big plans, and how skilled their trainees were becoming, and how they would make their move soon, but so far this was all just talk. Which was good- she wasn't ready yet either. But she had to get stronger before it was too late, and how was she supposed to do that when Tigerstar insisted on taking up all of her time giving her useless advice she already knew?
"How about we run your drills from last time?" Tigerstar meowed, snapping her back to attention. "You need to perfect these movements."
"How about you teach me something new?" she snapped. Tigerstar and Hawkfrost just stared at her. The look in their eyes made her want to take a step back, but she forced herself to meet their gaze steadily.
"Excuse me?" meowed Tigerstar cooly.
She wasn't going to take back her words. "We've been working on these drills for moons. And these are all cute tricks, but I'm not nearly ready for the battle against StarClan yet," she meowed. She had said so much already- she might as well keep going. "Aren't there way more cats in StarClan than the Dark Forest? How do you expect me to be able to match up when you've only been teaching me moves to take down a single cat? I want to learn how to fight two cats at once. That's what I'll actually need to be able to do, when the battle comes."
Tigerstar still looked irritated at how she had spoken to him, but he didn't punish her for it. He looked thoughtful, and after a minute, he nodded. "You're right," he meowed. "StarClan has many times our warriors, and you will very likely need to fight two or more cats at once when the time comes. We should be practicing skills for such a fight."
"Exactly!" exclaimed Hollyleaf excitedly. Now we're getting somewhere.
"Why don't you practice fighting both of us at once then?" suggested Hawkfrost. "Go on, attack us. Let's see what you've got."
Hollyleaf furrowed her brow as she looked between the two cats, contemplating. They were both expecting her to attack- if she attacked one of them, the other would be on her in a heartbeat.
Finally deciding any plan was as good as the next, she bunched her hind legs beneath her and threw her body at Tigerstar. She slashed quickly at his face, but he turned fast enough that she barely grazed his neck. Should I hit him again, or attack Hawkfrost? she wondered, starting to panic as she realized Hawkfrost could be on her any moment. Whirling around, she threw herself at Hawkfrost. She got in a good blow at his side, but not before Tigerstar had readied himself for a counterattack. No sooner had she hit Hawkfrost with a blow that barely seemed to move him than Tigerstar struck her hard across the head, throwing her to the ground.
As she collided hard with the forest floor, the breath left her lungs, and by the time she had gathered it enough to even consider standing up, she found both massive toms standing over her, and it was clear she had lost the fight.
"Do you know what you did wrong?" asked Tigerstar calmly.
She thought for a moment. "My first attack was too weak," she meowed. "All it did was tip you off to the fact that I was attacking, but I didn't do enough damage to stop you from coming after me while I tried to fight Hawkfrost."
Hawkfrost nodded approvingly, and even Tigerstar had a slightly respecting look in his eyes. "That's exactly right," meowed Hawkfrost. "When fighting two enemies at once, your best bet is to dispatch one of them before the other has time to react. We knew you were coming, but if we hadn't, that would be even more effective."
"Exactly," meowed Tigerstar. "You're talented, but even you would struggle to fight two or more highly-trained StarClan warriors. Especially if it's more than two. By taking one out early, you can reduce the fight to single combat."
Hollyleaf nodded. "That makes sense," she replied, still catching her breath. "Let's go again."
The sun was already starting to set by the time she finished training and woke up back in the forest. She felt a pang of guilt, hoping Breezepelt wasn't too worried about her. She wasn't usually out this late, and despite what he might say, he did genuinely seem to care about her well-being now.
He had really changed so much since they had come to the tunnels. He had been so angry with her when they had both left that Gathering, all those moons ago. Not just angry with her- angry with the world. His parents, his Clanmates, and himself. But now, he had become her closest friend. He had become her brother, just as much as Lionblaze and Jayfeather were her brothers. And she felt so lucky she had gotten to know the real him in the nearly sixteen moons they had been in the tunnels. He had become a much happier version of himself. Of course, he still seemed to be grumpy more often than he needed to be, but that was no different than the way Jayfeather acted. Maybe some cats just enjoyed being that way.
Just thinking about how long she had been giving this life gave her pause. In two moons I'll have lived half of my entire life away from ThunderClan, she realized with a shock. It was hard to wrap her head around. She still felt like a ThunderClan warrior through and through, even though she knew her beloved Clan would never let her return. But in reality, she had been out here with Breezepelt nearly as many moons as she had lived with her Clan.
She thought sometimes about leaving. She loved Breezepelt, but she missed being a part of a Clan more than anything. Being a part of something greater than just herself, hunting for the elders and kits before catching her own food, having so many other cats around to look out for each other… she missed it every day.
Of course she could never go back to her Clan, but maybe the Tribe would take them in if they went back to the mountains. She and Breezepelt had formed friendships with some of the Tribe to-bes, and those two-bes would be fully-fledged members of the Tribe now. Surely word of her crimes wouldn't have gotten to them yet, right?
Or even if they didn't go back to the Tribe, surely there were other groups of cats out there somewhere. The fact that there were four Clans and at least two groups of cats living in the mountains suggested there might be more out there somewhere. Maybe somewhere out there, there was a home for her and Breezepelt. A real home.
But she had started something in the Dark Forest with Tigerstar and Hawkfrost, and she couldn't leave until it was finished. Even though she wasn't a part of ThunderClan anymore, she couldn't abandon them now. Not while they still needed her.
But then again, there was no reason to believe she couldn't keep visiting the Dark Forest from far away…
Suddenly, she stopped in her tracks as a familiar scent hit her nose. Fox. She had been too lost in thought to smell it from a distance, and now it was almost upon her. Do I have time to run back to the tunnels before it catches me? she wondered.
She took another whiff of its scent. It was a young fox, judging by its scent, and… was it just her imagination, or did she recognize the lingering scent?
Yes. It's the cub I rescued!
It had been so many moons since she had saved the fox cub she had found trapped in the tunnels, but she still found herself thinking of it often, wondering how it was doing. She had hoped it was living a good life, and that it was still safe and happy with its mother. One of us might as well be.
Across the clearing, she noticed deep claw marks and scarlet-stained feathers. The fox must have killed a pigeon here, she decided, studying the broad gray feathers. She felt a flash of pride, as if she'd mentored the cub herself.
There was a noise behind her and the sharp smell washed over her more strongly. Hollyleaf turned, unable to stifle the purr rising in her throat. The cub was standing at the edge of the clearing, watching her. Its ears were pricked and the tip of its bushy tail brushed the snow. This was definitely her fox! He was growing into a handsome male, his scarlet fur standing out against the snow.
"Hello!" Hollyleaf meowed. "Do you remember me?"
With a snarl, the fox leaped at her. Yellow teeth snapped at the air where Hollyleaf's neck had been, a heartbeat after she scrambled backward. She crashed into a pine tree and spun around to claw her way up the trunk, with the creature snapping barely a whisker's length from her paws. Horror flashed in her chest as Hollyleaf's claws lost their grip; her body hit the ground with a resounding thud, and the cub jumped forward, yelping with hunger and excitement. Hollyleaf threw herself back at the tree, digging her claws into the bark and pulling herself to the topmost branches, fear propelling her upward. Below her, the cub snarled in frustration.
Hollyleaf huddled on a thin branch that swayed beneath her weight. She peered down through the dark green pine needles and watched the fox circling far below. Of course he doesn't remember me. I'm nothing more than prey! Hollyleaf sank her claws into the branch, closed her eyes, and waited for her heartbeat to slow. Below her, the fox barked furiously, hoping she would fall again so he could tear her apart.
She felt her world spinning, feeling the loss of her connection with the fox nearly as strongly as she felt the loss of her connection with her Clanmates. This is foolish, she told herself. Why am I so upset by this? It's just a fox. It was never mine to love. But she had loved it. Even if just for a short time, she had loved it, and cared for it, and wanted to keep it safe. Even though she wasn't the fox's real mother, for a brief moment, she had cared for it as if she was. And now it didn't know her at all.
With a gut-wrenching pain, she wondered suddenly if this was how Squirrelflight had felt. All this time, she had been angry at Squirrelflight for lying to them, and for pretending to love them as her mother, but it had never occurred to them that maybe Squirrelflight did love them just as strongly as she would have if she were their real mother. Maybe Squirrelflight really did think of them as her own. Maybe she had been devastated when the kits she had raised no longer knew her as their mother.
Suddenly, she wished more than anything that she could apologize. That she could thank Squirrelflight for everything she had done for Hollyleaf and her brothers. Thank her for teaching them about the world, for comforting them when they got hurt, for loving them. Hollyleaf knew she would do anything for her littermates. If one of them asked her to lie to her Clanmates to protect a terrible secret, wouldn't she do it? Was she really so different from Squirrelflight?
She missed her mother so much in that moment she could barely breathe. No, not her mother- Squirrelflight. Or yes her mother. The she-cat who had been her mother for her entire life. Who was her mother in every way that counted.
Hollyleaf was Squirrelflight, taking care of this pup as her own only for it to go on to hate her later. And she was Leafpool, being forced to give it up so it could live the life it was meant to live, even though it meant she'd never get to see it grow up
She didn't know how long she sat there, squeezing her eyes shut and trying desperately to breathe, but the next thing she knew, the sound of the barking was gone and she heard Breezepelt calling her name.
"Hollyleaf, are you here?" he was calling, a thick layer of irritation in his voice covering an undertone of concern. She opened her eyes. The sun was nearly all the way down- no wonder he was worried.
She scrambled down the tree, jumping down when she reached a low enough branch and landing lightly on the forest floor.
"I'm here," she called softly, surprised by how weak her own voice sounded. Breezepelt turned, glaring. Now this is the Breezepelt I remember.
"Where have you been?" he meowed irritably. "I thought something happened to you, but you've just been hanging out in a tree?"
"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I was just…" The image of her fox's teeth snapping at her, wanting her dead, flashed in her mind again, and she shuddered. It didn't know me. She tried to answer Breezepelt, but found a lump was too stuck in her throat to let words escape. Her breaths started to come shorter, and all she could do was stare at Breezepelt desperately, willing him somehow to understand.
The annoyance in his eyes slipped away at once, replaced by concern. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked urgently. "Hollyleaf, breathe." He took a step in, pressing his pelt against hers.
"It didn't know me," she meowed desperately between breaths. "It didn't… it didn't know me. And I just realized… I was too hard on her. She just wanted to take care of me…. they both did." Breezepelt stared at her, bewildered.
"Who didn't know you?" he demanded. "Who were you too hard on?"
She shook her head hopelessly, and so Breezepelt stayed next to her, his body pressed tightly against hers until her breathing had steadied enough to speak in full sentences.
"I saw the fox again," she meowed softly. "The baby one I helped out of the tunnels. It's grown up now, and I thought it would remember me, but it just wanted to eat me. And I just… I know this doesn't make any sense. But it made me think of Squirrelflight, and I realized… I was too harsh on her, I think. Maybe even Leafpool too." It was harder to let go of her anger towards Leafpool than Squirrelflight. After all, Leafpool was the one who had broken the code, and gotten everyone into this mess in the first place. And Leafpool hadn't been the one to soothe her cries as a kit, to take her into the forest for the first time, to really act as her mother. But… it wasn't as if she hadn't broken the warrior code herself, now. It wasn't as if she didn't understand why someone might do it, in the right circumstances. And maybe Leafpool had wanted to do all those things Squirrelflight had done. Maybe she really had believed giving her kits to Squirrelflight and lying to them forever about who they were was the best thing she could do to give them the best life possible.
And maybe she had been right.
Breezepelt looked like he still didn't really understand what he was saying, but he gave her ear a supportive lick. "Why don't we go to bed?" he suggested. "You might feel better in the morning." She nodded, still finding words a bit hard to come by. She would try to explain this again in the morning, when she was thinking a bit more clearly.
Hollyleaf knew this was a ridiculous thing to be upset by. It was a fox, of course it wasn't going to be loyal to her forever. She didn't even know if foxes had the capacity to feel the kind of emotions she was feeling towards the cub. But she also knew it was less about the cub and more about what it had shown her about her own relationships.
Had she had two mothers who loved her dearly this whole time? All these moons, she had been so angry at them for lying to her. Had they really always just wanted what was best for her?
She didn't know. And she would never get the chance to know. If they didn't hate her before, they certainly did now after she had given away their secret at the Gathering. She had lost her chance at having a relationship with either of her mothers. And for the first time, she mourned her loss.