Fic for the Kyman Week 2024
Day 7-Free Day
And the end of the Kyman Week! With a prompt given by the ''Kyman Week'' on Tumblr.
I swear I fight with my life for this fic, 'cuz I've always wanted a ''5+1'' kind of fic, but damn if it isn't difficult babes
Now, I don't know much about ''Coon and Friends'' or the game, and I read like every bit of information I could gather, including the information of the game. Let's just said that's really confusing the whole thing, but I managed. I consider this an AU with actual heroes and powers, but I tried to keep some resemblence with the canon (the episodes where they appear as heroes and the game).
Also, also, nobody (except, maybe, Mysterion) knows the true identities of the others. So everyone is reffered mostly with their heroes names.
Warning: Not Beta Readed (yet), crack (probably)
Not so subtle
Or
5 Times The Coon and Human Kite's secret was almost exposed + 1 Time it was actually exposed
1.
It is common knowledge that, in the event of an emergency or a distress call, under no circumstances could The Coon and Human Kite be sent together to resolve the issue.
It's not that they couldn't work together.
In fact, they were the best duo the League of Heroes –previously called Coon and Friends, but after a not-so-friendly coup to strip The Coon of his leadership, it was decided to opt for a more generic name, as cliché as it may sound– could count on. Sometimes too good. The problem was that as efficient as they were together, they couldn't agree on anything, even if their lives depended on it. More often than not, they would end up fighting each other instead of the criminal or villain at hand, about inconsequential and nonsensical topics that those unfortunate enough to witness their legendary arguments had to endure.
However, no matter how hard Mysterion, the leader of the League, tried to keep them apart on missions, sometimes they had the bad luck of needing precisely their combined skills.
Like this time, when both were summoned to face a villain, they had defeated before. Other heroes were present, of course, in case someone needed to separate them if another of their fights broke out. To everyone's surprise, however, it wasn't necessary. In fact, the others felt that there was something off about those two, unable to pinpoint exactly what it was.
It could be the way they didn't speak to each other at all, except to warn the other of an attack or to direct them in another direction. Or it could be that even with the few words exchanged, they were performing better than on other occasions.
Or maybe, some thought, it's that when things finally calmed down and they captured the villain, Human Kite patted The Coon on the shoulder, congratulating him on his performance, leaving his hand there longer than they had ever seen him touch him. And to their immense surprise, instead of pushing him away or insulting him, The Coon smiled, returning the compliment... blushing.
Could it be that they were having a collective hallucination? Had those two put aside their animosity and could, finally, have peace?
Their hopes were dashed the next day, at the bi-weekly meeting they had, when both heroes exploded in a heated argument and the collective thoughts of the previous day were thrown into a mental garbage bin. Apparently, it had been a glitch in the Matrix or something similar.
One can dream.
2.
"What is this?" Toolshed closes his eyes, taking a deep breath to gather patience when The Coon's irritated voice echoes in the small conference room.
The man had shown up almost an hour ago, slumping into a seat far from Toolshed, claiming he needed to work on "a stupid report." Toolshed, likewise, had been working on one and was about to either kick him out or get up and find another place to concentrate, but The Coon had indeed plunged into writing, making no comments other than a few murmurs of annoyance under his breath.
But it seemed the peaceful silence they were immersed in was about to end.
"What does it look like, idiot?" responds Human Kite's voice, making him look up out of pure curiosity and not, of course, to make sure they weren't going to kill each other... again. "Food."
"Obviously, you dumb alien, I'm not stupid." The Coon slides his chair, rolling his eyes, crossing his arms petulantly.
Well, Toolshed thinks, they're not jumping at each other's throats immediately, and from what he can see from his position, The Coon isn't carrying his preferred weapons, the claws, at the moment. Just in case, he keeps his communicator handy, in case he needs to call for reinforcements.
"Oh, and I thought you had finally gone blind." Human Kite smiles, crossing his arms too.
The alien's comment makes him pause everything, confused, now too interested in the exchange to continue his work. What exactly did he mean by going blind? In the years they had worked together, he had never heard Coon complain about his vision, and that's coming from the man who complained and threw tantrums over the smallest things to annoy his teammates; he also hadn't noticed him having any problems or difficulties, sure that if something were really wrong with his sight, it would be dangerous to let him patrol alone at night. But, he reasons, the comment must have been some sort of inside joke between them, a reference to something that must have happened on one of the few missions they were assigned together.
Someone as nosy and critical of everything they did couldn't have vision problems, right?
"So, what is it supposed to be?" he blinks, noticing he missed part of the conversation in that moment lost in his thoughts, returning his attention to both men, noticing they had gotten closer, Human Kite leaning against the back of The Coon's chair and the latter looking at him relaxed.
"Be content knowing it's much better than the garbage you eat." Human Kite laughs. "Cooked by my hands, seeing as you don't think to eat properly."
Cooked by him? Why would Human Kite prepare food for The Coon?
As if he wasn't already confused enough, instead of pushing the food away to make a mess, at worst, or rejecting it, at best, Coon nods appreciatively, accepting the package Human Kite offers. He doesn't even make a comment, doesn't mock the container he takes out of the package, or complain about the curious appearance of the food or the smell it releases when he finally opens it.
And, for a second, he could swear he smiles at the other in thanks. He blinks rapidly, sure he just saw him pat the alien's hip, murmuring something he can't hear, but before he can voice his thoughts, Human Kite's full attention is directed at him, a dazzling smile on his lips and his voice much louder than necessary.
"Toolshed! Shall we have lunch in the cafeteria?" he offers, approaching him, taking his arm to drag him there without letting him respond or even process what he just witnessed.
And if he didn't know better, he would swear that The Coon started at seeing him, finally recognizing they hadn't been alone all that time.
Which is ridiculous, because it was he who invaded his space first.
3.
They are fighting again.
They were in the middle of a meeting, talking about something small and innocuous, probably the mayor's annual Charity Ball or something similar when Human Kite had made a comment. At this point, none of those present can remember exactly what he said, or if it was something specific, to provoke The Coon's sarcastic, and in the opinion of many, disproportionate response.
One thing led to another, and now they are shouting at each other, from opposite sides of the table, about something they lost track of after the millionth insult from The Coon towards any aspect of the other for not being human, but which they doubt has anything to do with the original point. Unfortunately Mysterion, who had his ways of quieting them promptly, was out on a solo mission and Call Girl, as the self-assigned substitute leader, had been trying for almost an hour to redirect them to the main topic of the meeting.
Definitely, no one like their leader to herd the flock or something like that.
"God, you're unbearable Kyl... Kite[1]!" the sudden silence in which the meeting room plunges is deafening.
The heroes who had half-fallen asleep, after filtering out their screams and using them as background noise, straighten up, suddenly interested in what is happening. Was Coon about to call him by another name? Did it have any meaning? It must be important because suddenly both of them straighten in their places, their lips tightly pressed together and, in Coon's case, a blush on his cheeks.
The silence stretches for long minutes, making them start to feel uncomfortable. Despite this, no one dares to intervene, comment, or say anything, waiting to see what would happen next.
"Kite," Coon repeats slowly, taking a deep breath. He runs a hand through his hair, smooths his cape, and clears his throat. If they didn't know better, they'd think he was embarrassed instead of nervous.
Or maybe scared? Was what he was about to say a different insult from the plethora he usually used that they didn't know about? Something more personal than calling him "sorry excuse of a fake-human"?
"You are... unbearable," he finally says, slumping into his seat.
"Likewise," Human Kite nods, sitting down slowly.
The onlookers watch them, waiting for the moment they will resume their argument, as sometimes happens, but whatever was about to happen has lost momentum. Most think they should be glad of it; they would return to their boring meeting, and the screams would finally stop; but... well, honestly, those who weren't falling asleep were enjoying the live entertainment.
Not that they don't care about the meeting, of course, but the small details beyond the responsibilities they would have to carry out for the event were of little importance. Trivialities that usually wouldn't be communicated to them but which Call Girl considered important for some reason, like every minute detail of her work.
"Well, if there will be no more interruptions," the woman, who had probably also been waiting for another explosion of insults, clears her throat, calling attention back to herself. "As I was saying..."
The rest of the meeting passes in silence, interrupted only by some contribution or question from others, made simply to fill the space normally occupied by shouts. The rest of the time, the two troublemakers remain firmly seated in their places, not even looking at each other and probably not paying attention to the meeting. Finally, when she is satisfied, Call Girl ends the meeting and allows them to leave. The Coon is the first to leave the room quickly, muttering curses under his breath, something only identified as "stupid redhead" or similar, followed shortly after by Human Kite, wearing a somber expression. He doesn't mutter under his breath like the human, but the way he clenches his hands and his body tenses probably means they'll continue the fight elsewhere.
They can only hope it's in the training room and not in the hallway, like last time.
The others can only watch them leave, unable to shake the feeling that something very strange just happened.
4.
Wonder T[2]. nervously sighs as he finishes bandaging Super C[3].'s wounds, scolding him with a look for putting himself in the dangerous situation that led to him and Human Kite getting hurt. The hero merely gives him a small, almost imperceptible smile as an apology, squeezing his hand in thanks. Wonder T. shakes his head, unable to stay angry for long. He repeats the instructions he has given him a thousand times, to stay in bed and relax to allow the remnants of his powers to finish healing him.
He strokes his hair before standing up and leaving the medical pavilion cubicle occupied by Super C. to check on Human Kite's condition. Of the two, he was the one who received more damage, as he intervened between Super C. and the danger; but also, being an alien, he is the one who will recover the fastest. Probably, by now, he didn't even need his assistance, but he couldn't just leave things to chance, he couldn't bear the guilt if his teammate's condition worsened by assuming his non-human nature would keep him safe. Besides, he thinks, gently knocking on the door of the other cubicle, he should thank him for saving Super C.'s life.
Not receiving an answer, he doubts whether he should enter or not. He might be sleeping, says the logical part of his mind, deeply so his body can recover, and that's why he didn't hear the knocks on the door. Or he could be in so much pain that he was unable to respond; fearing it was the latter rather than the former, he opens the door silently in case it was the former, but stops at the threshold, confused.
Human Kite is just as he had left him before going to heal Super C., lying on the bed, unconscious, hooked to an oxygen mask that he probably didn't even need, with nothing but his suit on and a blanket covering him up to his torso. What makes him pause, however, is the company that wasn't there minutes before.
Sitting at the edge of the bed is The Coon, his body almost entirely turned toward Human Kite's inert body, preventing Wonder T. from seeing his expression; however, his surprise increases as he notices how he delicately holds one of Human Kite's hands, his claws absent, murmuring things he can't hear clearly due to the distance. If he hadn't witnessed the great enmity between the heroes, he would think his presence there is to provide comfort to the injured hero.
He would think, bizarre as it might be, that he even cares about Human Kite's well-being.
"What are you doing here?" he asks, coming out of his stupor, more brusquely than he initially planned to, the paranoid part of his mind suggesting he might be there to delay Human Kite's healing or do something worse that could be blamed on his injuries with no witnesses.
The hero startles and turns around. Wonder T. steps back, genuinely scared for a brief moment by the threatening look The Coon gives him before recognition shines in his eyes and his features relax.
"Oh, it's just you," The Coon distractedly pats Human Kite's hand before standing up, casually adjusting the blanket covering the hero. "I'll let you do your job."
He is surprised by the lack of acidic comments towards his less "heroic" functions, as well as the somber expression that forms on his face when he gives Human Kite one last look before walking toward the door, bypassing him to leave.
"You didn't... you didn't answer my question," he says, holding his arm, stopping him. "What were... were you doing here?"
"What do you think I was doing, caffeine-fueled rat? Making sure my boy[4]… worst enemy wasn't dead for doing stupid things," he responds brusquely, shaking off his grip.
Before he can ask more pertinent questions, The Coon turns and leaves the room quickly. He doesn't stop him, watching him leave, a mix of confusion at the man's defensive tone and trying to understand his words, paralyzing him. Was it his imagination, or was he about to say another thing instead of "worst enemy"?
He snorts softly, suppressing a nervous laugh. If he didn't know The Coon better, he'd swear he was genuinely worried.
5.
"Hey handsome, do you come here often?" the hero comments, watching the civilian stop in his tracks, looking at him surprised. A smile threatens to form on his lips as the civilian covers his face to hide the blush spreading across his cheeks.
"I'd say yes, but it's never a good idea to distract a hero on duty," the redhead finally responds, crossing his arms, containing the smile struggling to form on his lips.
"It's a shame; it's always a reward to have a pretty face nearby," the hero laughs, leaning on the containment fence that separates them to get closer to him, giving him a flirtatious smile. "You should come more often, hot stuff; maybe I'll feel charitable and give you an interview... K-y-l-e," he says slowly, dragging out the letters as he reads his name on the "Journalist" badge hanging from his shirt.
As if you didn't know my name, he thinks, amused. Whenever any of the heroes was involved in a battle and it was safe for the press to show up to take notes live, they usually sent Kyle, considering he is the main columnist for the heroes' section. That his boss also considered sending him when The Coon appeared on the scene, being the only one who could apparently get something useful out of him, is something he doesn't think much about.
"I might consider it if you get me one with your boss, Coon," he responds instead, placing a hand on the fence to lean towards the hero, his eyes shining with amusement.
"I'm much more interesting than Mysterion," he grumbles, placing a hand on his chest in a gesture of indignation.
"The public wouldn't agree with that statement," the journalist points out, smiling amusedly. And he's not wrong; for some reason, the public adores Mysterion, probably because of the air of mystery, alluding to his name, that surrounds him.
"Look at that, a pretty face just got ten times more charming; I can almost forget you're covered in freckles, ginger," The Coon jokes, ignoring his comment, changing position to cross his arms on the edge of the fence, looking up at him, batting his eyelashes. "The offer still stands, Red."
"Which offer? Interviewing you or coming more often?" he places his other hand on the other side of the hero, leaving him with very little space in between.
"Careful there, Khal, I might think you're flirting with me," The Coon lifts himself slightly, smiling mischievously.
"Too bad for you, you're not my type," Kyle laughs, shaking his head.
Before The Coon can respond, in a way that he assures is witty, an explosion is heard behind him, accompanied by the screams of the few civilians who dared to be near the containment fence, except for the journalists, of course.
"Coon! Get your fat ass over here and help!" Tupperware yells, looking irritated in his direction while trying to dodge the villain's attacks they were supposed to be facing together.
"Kyle! Stop wasting time and get to work," Wendy shouts at the same time, the partner with whom the redhead was supposed to be covering the fight instead of being there, flirting with the hero.
"God, can't you see I'm busy, tin can?" The Coon turns, making a rude gesture, which is returned with another of the same nature before Tupperware deploys a shield, blocking another explosion. "God, all useless, I'm the only one doing the work here," The Coon comments to the journalist, looking at him quickly before leaving his spot against the wall and rushing to "save his useless partner's ass."
Kyle snorts amusedly, also stepping back so as not to get hurt in the crossfire, and returns to his partner's side, who looks at him with narrowed eyes. He returns the look, smiling innocently, retrieving his camera to continue with his assignment of taking photos of the battle.
"I thought you didn't like The Coon?" the woman asks, looking closely at him.
"Not at all, he's a piece of shit who thinks he's better than everyone," he responds automatically, focusing on his work.
"Sure, and that's why you were there flirting with him," the woman points out, frowning. Not getting a response, she huffs irritatedly, poking his side with her pen. "I thought you were dating Cartman?"
"You are correct," the man gives her a smile, shrugging, walking to another part of the containment wall to take photos from another angle, leaving her alone with her thoughts.
A few months ago, Kyle would have exploded in a heated exchange of insults with The Coon, whom everyone knows he detests, considering that at least forty percent of what he writes about the hero in his column is to label him as little less than a danger to the city. At the office, they had started labeling him as his #1 hater. In fact, now that she thinks about it, his colleague's hatred rivaled only with the obvious animosity between The Coon and Human Kite that the public is well aware of. And suddenly, he was okay with letting him flirt so blatantly while in a stable relationship with Eric?
She didn't like Eric per se; his personality was almost as repellent as The Coon's, and more than once she found herself wondering what her friend saw in the millionaire. But that didn't mean he approved of Kyle's blatant behavior. And in public!
That thought doesn't leave her mind for a moment and only intensifies when weeks later, working with Craig on something less exciting than the city's hero battles, she sees Human Kite openly flirting with Eric from a distance. And Eric responding without any remorse.
What the hell was going on between those two and these heroes?
+1
The battle had ended, fortunately with fewer casualties than predicted but still with more damage than expected. It was always like this whenever Mitch Conner[5] made a public reappearance, bringing a wave of panic and chaos that was increasingly difficult to contain. However, this time they are sure they have stopped him once and for all, if his lifeless body amid the destruction he caused is any indication.
All thanks to The Coon.
The heroes, with varying degrees of injuries, regroup anxiously awaiting orders from Mysterion, who is examining Mitch's body, waiting for the declaration that the threat has been effectively neutralized, the signal that they can relax and celebrate. Mysterion, who is usually reserved with his words and an enemy of making public speeches, offers them some words of encouragement, congratulating them on their good work and directing them to help each other return to the base, check their wounds, and yes, celebrate there the end of the terror that Mitch Conner represents. Relieved, everyone starts moving towards the ship that will take them back to the base.
Everyone except Human Kite, who looks around frantically, counting heads over and over, both among them and the civilians in the distance who are starting to gather to see the outcome of the battle now that the dust from the debris has settled.
"Human Kite?" Mysterion asks, seeing him approach the center of the area where the battle ended.
"Has anyone seen The Coon?" he asks instead of answering, moving with more purpose.
"Coon? He's..." Mysterion turns to point to a spot behind him but stops when he notices that, indeed, the annoying man is not there.
In fact, if he stops to think about it, the battle had ended thanks to an explosion caused by one of Coon's "toys." That had caused Mitch's body to be expelled by the impact, falling where they found it, and Coon... Where had The Coon ended up after the impact?
"Coon?!" the heroes turn at Human Kite's shout, surprised by the desperation starting to filter into his voice as he runs frantically among the debris.
"Wasn't Coon...?" Super C. starts to ask, helping Wonder T. stay on his feet, turning to where he swore he had seen the hero. The rest start murmuring, sharing the same level of surprise and concern.
Quickly, those in better condition start searching alongside Human Kite among the debris, calling for their teammate, trying not to get hung up on how the alien shouts for Coon. He does so with an emotion they hadn't seen in him before, desperation so palpable in the air around him that it becomes uncomfortable.
"Cartman?!" the name catches them off guard, stopping their attempts to help in the search and looking at Human Kite, who continues his task without noticing his companions' shocked looks.
Cartman? they think, why does the name sound so familiar?
"Cartman!" he shouts again, stopping suddenly to ensure his eyes aren't deceiving him before launching himself at some debris, starting to clear it quickly, ignoring the pain in his body. He has to get him out of there, he has to make sure he's okay, he has to make sure he's still...
"Cartman?" he whispers, kneeling when all the debris is out of the way, revealing The Coon's body to the others who have approached.
With trembling hands, he lifts the man's body into his lap, unsure where to start checking if he was simply unconscious or... God, he doesn't even want to think about it, refusing to give shape to the fear gripping his heart. He rocks him in his lap, placing a hand on his cheek, stroking it gently, not noticing the tears streaming down his face until the drops fall on the other's face.
"Cartman... please," he whispers, pressing him against his chest. "Please, no," a sob escapes his lips, more tears running down his cheeks, mixing with the dust and dirt on the other's face.
"You can't... leave me, damn fool," he hiccups, pulling away, his voice suddenly filled with anger, and he punches the shoulder of the body in his arms. "Do you hear me, you piece of shit? You have no right to... to sacrifice yourself for everyone and leave me like this, you have no... I don't allow you..."
As quickly as the anger came, it disappears, his heart-wrenching sobs returning as he rests his forehead on The Coon's chest, clutching him tightly.
"Eric... please," he whispers softly.
Ah! think the onlookers, that's why the name "Cartman" sounds familiar. Eric Cartman, as in the businessman. Does that mean The Coon was...? But wasn't it well known that the man had made his relationship with the journalist official? What was his name again?
"Ky... Kyle," everyone holds their breath at the whisper, watching as Human Kite immediately straightens up. "You're... staining my... suit..."
"Cartman!" without thinking for a second, overwhelmed with happiness and relief, Human Kite lifts him again, planting a kiss on his lips, eliciting a pained groan from The Coon... Eric Cartman, in the process.
Kyle! they collectively think, that's what the journalist's name was... oh. Oh, that makes sense.
"Don't ever scare me like that again, asshole!" Human Kite shouts when he pulls away from the kiss, shaking him hard.
"Ow! Khaaaal! I'm injured, I could have died, and the first thing you think about is hurting me more?" the man jokes, placing his hands on the other's shoulders to stop the movement, starting to feel dizzy. "Better keep kissing me, maybe you'll make me feel better."
"You're an... idiot," he huffs lightly, wiping his tears before hugging him tightly. "You're... an idiot of astronomical proportions."
"But I'm your idiot," the man laughs, returning the hug, ignoring the pain in favor of enjoying the warmth of the other's body. He sighs, opening his eyes and finally noticing their small audience made up of almost half of their teammates.
"Damn," he curses, pulling away, looking at Kyle reproachfully. The man blinks, confused, and turns, paling when he sees his teammates.
"Oops?"
"Oops?! Is that all you can think to say after exposing us?" Eric shouts, shaking the hero this time, but with much less force considering he's more injured than the alien.
"Wait," Toolshed places his hands in a T shape, like calling for a timeout. "Wait, you two...?"
"All this time?" Tupperware asks, struggling to keep his mouth shut, failing miserably.
"Damn it," Cartman mutters, trying to stand, immediately helped by Kyle, who instantly supports him against himself to bear some of his weight.
"I can't believe you didn't tell us anything," Wonder T. whispers, having approached to see if he could help after healing himself, connecting the dots with what he witnessed months ago.
"Didn't you guys notice?" Mysterion's question makes everyone turn to look at him, their leader returning their gaze as if they were the stupidest people alive. They probably were. "It's not like those two are exactly subtle."
Now that they think about it, quickly connecting the dots in their heads, taking advantage of the fact that they still have a few neurons connected before the adrenaline wears off in their bodies, Mysterion is right. That, combined with accidentally knowing their secret identities, makes them feel really stupid for not having made the connection earlier. It was right under their noses all this time.
"Well, now that the drama is over, can we go back? I think I have a concussion," Cartman murmurs, leaning against Kyle, who rolls his eyes but lifts him in his arms to start walking to the ship.
"Let's go, everyone, let's head back," Mysterion orders, following them, adjusting his cape to hide the amused smile spreading across his lips.
Now that their relationship has been revealed, those two will probably tone down the intensity of their very real, though not genuinely filled with contempt, fights. Or maybe, knowing them as he does, things will just get worse in a completely different direction now that they don't have to hide.
Just in case, he thinks, ensuring everyone is on the ship before closing it and activating the autopilot, he has a backup plan in case he needs to wipe everyone else's memory. A small favor he owes Cartman and wouldn't mind using for this.
For now, he'll see how things progress.
[1] Gods, kinda love here the English phonetic 'cuz I can make this slip up and makes sense the correction. In Spanish… I did what I could.
[2] I know that his hero name is Wonder Tweek, but since his real name is also Tweek, and I'm trying to play with the concept that they don't know their real names, it wouldn't make sense for him going around with his name on display. Hence: Wonder T.
[3] Same logic applied with Super Craig. Love the lover boys, but damn they're not very creative.
[4] Did he saved it here like with the ''Kyl… Kite'' thing? I'm not really sure, babes, but I tried. If someone knows another way to make that work (in spanish I used ''partner'' because it really can pass as word play in spanish)
[5] In this kinda-AU, Mitchell Conner is a whole-ass-person, and not a hand puppet. Thanks.
Did you noticed how each part got considerably longer than the previous one? Me too, things got out of control