Guy held his head in his hand while he began to notice the grass all around him, and a car passing by.
This was definitely not his room.
And there were rabbids!? He froze. They were so close to him, staring at him, what was he supposed to do? Did you play dead with rabbids or make yourself look big?
He found himself playing it safe, making no sudden moves. He couldn't remember how he got here, hell, where even was here? Oh no. He was pantless. He was in grass tall enough so he was hard to spot, but if he was going to go home, he was going to have to do it half nude. Oh gosh he really didn't want to do that. Maybe he could just stay here where people couldn't see him and die, or maybe call someone.. no, his phone had been in his pants! Probably lost somewhere. Great, he was going to have to buy a new one.
"Bwah bwah?" One of the rabbids said something. Guy held his breath. Both of them were wearing some accessories, but this one had on a tie. The rabbid had such a confused look. His face subtly changed from awe to fear and to anger. Guy didn't like how it was very obviously being pinned on him, as if there was something wrong with him. To be fair there WAS something wrong. Guy was pantless and lost in a ditch, but that wasn't a reason for a rabbid of any creature to gawk.
"Bwah? Bwah bwah?" Tie pointed to Guy, made an 'O' shape with his hand followed by a shape that would have been his pointer and middle finger up, with his thumb resting just below them. The other rabbid covered in stickers spoke up like they were saying something to the tie wearing one, which seemed to make Tie reply in an urgent tone.
Tie held up Guy's driver's license, pointed to the image on it, then Guy. Afterward he put both of his hands up on top of his head like he had an extra set of ears. He pointed upward, spinning a pointer finger by his wrist, then made a 'y' shape with his hand before lightly punching his chin.
Whatever was going on Stickers didn't seem to like it in the slightest, starting to look at Guy with disgust and sadness.
Tie spoke to Stickers again, pleading with them over something, but Stickers seemed to become defensive.
The two were distracted. Guy leaned in close behind Tie and swiped his license back. He stood up as soon as he got the card. Stickers still had his wallet. As afraid as he was, there was no way Guy was leaving without it. In a blur of impulse he launched himself at Stickers, but missed, sliding like a baseball player.
"Bwah!" Stickers barked.
Tie grabbed the wallet from Stickers but they fought back. A loud argument ensued, which Guy took advantage of, putting his arm in the mix to try and take his wallet while they fought. Tie let go, but Stickers wouldn't give up. That rabbid had such a strong grip that Guy was losing his edge looking into the eye of that wild thing.
Tie slapped Stickers on the back of his head, breaking his concentration, and his grip. Guy fell backwards, getting up running parallel to the road.
Tie tried chasing after him but Stickers got in the way.
Tie pushed them, fed up, and continued after Guy. Stickers reluctantly followed.
Guy saw the rabbids still chasing him. If the studies were right he was bound to have them on his tail for the rest of the day, or until they stole his wallet back. At least that promise meant his ridiculous situation had an explanation. Everybody had a friend or a relative who'd been embarrassed by a rabbid at some point. If you didn't, it was probably you with the embarrassing story. He was never going to hear the end of this if someone he knew saw him. Funny stories were a lot funnier after the fact, or better, happening to somebody else.
Reading street signs in the suburbs he realized he wasn't too far from Big Hope. Hopefully that meant he hadn't driven home. Asking someone to drive his pantless self home was so stupid he could already feel tears welling up.
He had sleep-walked more than he ever expected this time. There were so many hoops he had to jump through to get all the way out here. How come he never woke up? It was hard to imagine.
Maybe rabbids had something to do with it. They were easy to blame weren't they? Keeping him asleep and watching him for their entertainment wasn't out of the ordinary for them. Ah what was the use?! It wouldn't help him feel any better trying to figure out how any of this made sense. He only needed to fix it as fast as possible.
In the suburbs there weren't too many people out besides joggers and dog-walkers. He avoided eye contact with them and tried to keep himself out of sight. An outdoor clock on the corner of a park let him know it was 7:25am, which meant he was incredibly late for work. Somehow it was the least embarrassing part of this.
At least he didn't have to force himself to wake up now that he was already jogging. For a sleepless night walking around like a zombie, he was surprisingly spry, refreshed even. That might also be from the salt soaked shirt he wore. Dear lord, he definitely went into the ocean last night. He hoped he'd feel better knowing that he had survived all this, but had he really?
After several minutes of jogging around like he was involved in a prank, he made it to the parking lot of Big Hope which had filled up with the morning crew's cars. The rabbids that were chasing him were out of sight. Good.
Now was his moment. Of course he didn't have his keys with him. He'd left that in his pants too. Here's to hoping his pants were in the building somewhere, and his phone, and eh. He had more shoes at home. He took a deep breath and walked into the double doors to ask for help.
What he didn't expect was all of the commotion in the lobby. His manager along with a scientist were talking with two people in jumpsuits and gas masks while they wrote down what looked like a report on a notepad. The more Guy looked around the more he realized what he had run into. On the walls were nonsense drawings with distinct ears, the chairs were out of whack, oddly stacked. Trash was being picked up: food wrappers, broken glass, a collection of paper airplanes made of physical files.
"Hey! Hey Guy!" Walsh beckoned him, "Just the man I wanted to see! Are you ok? You don't look so confident this morning eh? What happened to you last night?"
"..What happened?" Guy felt his stomach fall as if he were in trouble. One of the men in a jumpsuit and mask held out Guy's shoes, pants, and phone in front of him.
"Sir, are you aware you were reported missing this morning? You're Guy Kowalczyk right? These are your clothes, yes? We've identified this as your phone from some witnesses and your car was left parked here as observed by your coworkers. Do you have anything to report on any rabbid activity that might have occurred here last night? Any motives or locations of burrows, or anything we can use to learn more about this? We work under the Verminators and are here for anti-rabbid security. We get this alot but we're not police, just contractors k?"
"Oh!.. Uh could I?" Guy asked for his pants, shoes and phone back.
"Naturally," The verminator said, handing them over as Guy put them back on.
"..And yes, I do have some things to report. I believe I may have been abducted by rabbids while I was sleepwalking last night and they must've done who knows what with me because I woke up all the way over by the beach without any memory of it," Guy said.
"Abduction? Of an adult male? That's serious," The verminator looked to his coworker with concern, "Do you have any idea why they might do this, or if they'll do it again?"
"I wish I could but I was asleep so I don't remember," Guy said.
The scientist listening in on the report stepped up.
"Guy, excuse me just a sec, Guy, our data suggests something came into contact with our gene therapy beam last night causing a blackout, and I found your shoes in the laser's chamber. Those are yours right?"
Guy looked down to double check.
"Yeah, these are mine."
"I know you don't remember but, are you feeling any different or have any burns? We're really concerned that you could've made contact with the beam. It's very new technology and very unstable, so there's a number of side effects that could happen if you walked into it, that we aren't even entirely sure of. It was most likely a rabbid that made contact but I can't rule you out since your shoes were in the room. If you start to feel ill or if your hair or eyes change color, or you develop any new traits go straight to the hospital. I'm being extremely serious that you could die."
Guy felt his stress spike.
"Oh don't be so grim! Guy's fine. Look at him, perfectly healthy. Just because his shoes were in the room doesn't mean he was. Rabbids do all sorts of stuff with human clothes, we're all familiar. Besides, it wouldn't be such a good look to believe he was snooping in a level three security zone right? That would be, uh, highly illegal. You wouldn't go in there would you Guy?" Walsh asked.
"Uh, no! Never!" Guy felt a bead of sweat develop on his scalp.
"Case closed people, no humans harmed! Now enough with the laser, we'll have that back up in running in just a bit, but first let's figure out what we're going to do about this rabbid problem."
The verminators tried to ignore the blatant misdirection they were getting from Walsh.
"Uhhhh, well we aren't seeing too many signs of staying power. Rabbids tend to stick around in places they're entertained by, and this place isn't nearly as trashed as someplace they particularly found interesting, so in short, a repeat offense isn't too likely, but we can suggest buying security cameras, and audio rabbid repellent. I suggest these first since they're the cheapest and I don't see this becoming a repeat spot, but if you'd feel more secure, there are more expensive security systems available for install as well as our human night watch services," The verminator said.
"Ok.. erm let's talk budget. Oh and Guy you're free to go home, get yourself situated. I'll see you at nine. Just wanted an update to make sure you were ok. Drive safe! I'll see you in an hour," Walsh said.
"..See you then," Guy said.
While at home, he tried to get over what had happened that morning. His mind continued to cycle through the idea that he could've been killed last night. He didn't realize how dangerous the new laser based gene therapy beam was. He could've been in that room. It could've ended with a serious accident. Luckily Guy wasn't showing any symptoms. Burns? Shifting traits? He checked in the mirror on his basement door, but he was the same as he'd always been.
If he'd gotten hit with a laser he expected to have his skin melt off or wake up from his sleepwalk to remember the pain. Even if he didn't remember what happened, he at least wasn't dead.
Still, it felt irresponsible to go back pretending he hadn't been in danger at work, and his boss? That man didn't even want to suggest an accident could've happened. Guy supposed it was only natural for someone in his position to say. They both didn't want negative attention over this. The whole thing was unlikely, it was the rabbids, and Guy's own fault in some aspects. He could've said 'no' more often, maybe taken off lunch to get more done. Even if Guy sleepwalked again, those verminator people would make sure rabbids wouldn't break in a second time. He'd be walking aimlessly, but not into anything he wasn't supposed to.
With that he was satisfied. His heart put to rest like his morning mug empty in the sink. He was feeling good. He'd even caught up with his mom over the phone. Of course, she didn't hear about him running from rabbids in his underwear, but something told him it'd been too long since they'd talked.
His mood was high coming back to start his shift, but he could feel something wrong as he approached his office. Walsh, talking with a man he'd never seen before, right outside where he was headed. He tried not to let it show on his face as he approached. When he was close enough Walsh invited him into the conversation.
"Good morning Guy, rest well I bet?" Walsh said. What kind of question was that?
"As I'll ever," Guy said.
"Good to hear, er. I'd like you to meet our new transfer, Jeremy. He's actually here to help with our financial record problem. It was never meant to be a one person job, but of course Jeremy is more experienced.. Since he's around, you'll be able to go home on time since you'll be doing less from now on. Guy, you've been demoted to Jeremy's assistant, so Jeremy's your boss now. Alright, so, seeing as you've got a lot on your plate, I'll let you two get acquainted, er, work out a system between you," Walsh said. He patted Guy's back before walking away, as if what he said didn't shatter Guy's entire ego in three words.
He tried to keep his face from contorting into a scowl with mixed results. Demoted? Now? Why? It didn't make any sense. He earned his job! There was absolutely no reason it had to be taken from him so suddenly.
"Uh ha.. Well good afternoon Guy. I'm Jeremy. Oh, oops, you already know that! I'm sorry I'm way too used to my scripts!" Jeremy said. The man was chipper, bright. He was likely younger than Guy, if not merely healthier. He was like some sort of woodland fae meeting a poltergeist. Guy was too haunted by the anger boiling up in him to pay much attention to what the sprite was saying.
Demoted? Really!? After all the debilitating nights he spent here? It was literally his entire life's purpose to clock in and suffer thinking it meant something to someone. That he was valued, selfless, stronger than his bodily needs, more dedicated than the rest of his coworkers. He almost died for this lab, and they made him an assistant? An assistant to a Jeremy?! If anything, Jeremy should've been Guy's assistant! More experience? Doing what? Guy was clearly more dedicated, willing to sacrifice what the job demanded. This place was going to eat this geek alive in the first three days and strip that stupid grin right off his weakling little face.
It was good to know how much sacrifice was really respected around here. Guy's death would probably have a bigger impact than any work he actually did at this point.
"..I wish we were meeting under different circumstances but I'm happy to meet you all the same. I take it you've been doing this all by yourself for around three weeks or so right? You'd know what we're dealing with. Get me on the up and up! We can get to know one another at the same time."
"Yeah.." Guy mumbled. He opened the door to his office to find it had been reorganized with two desks facing each other instead of one. Fury.
"Roman already got me set up. Looks like we'll be in the same room! Hope you don't mind, but I moved some stuff," Jeremy said.
Guy so very minded. His things were not in the places he remembered them. What if they got lost, thrown out? He checked his drawers. It looked like his entire desk had been reorganized while he was gone. His Bulwark toy was still there fortunately.
"Originally I thought it was only going to be me in here, so I sorta took everything out before trying to put it back as best as I could remember, sorry," Jeremy said, "Oh! And checking on some of our emails, it looks like you were working on our quarterly report that's due this week right? I think we should get that done first and then the less time sensitive stuff like thank yous and whatnot. The other important things like organizing the budget can probably be started during the report. It would be a guide for everything else we do too." Jememy sat down while he talked and added a bullet to a notepad he annotated on with a pen.
It was a particular brand of pen Guy favored over any other type, and for good reason. It wrote smooth, dried quickly, and its ink popped off the page easy for anyone to see. He only had one left from the pack he bought. Hey wait.
"Is that my pen?" Guy asked.
"Hmm? Oh! Oops, er do you want it back? I sorta forgot my own. That's stupid I know. I'm like the type of guy to write down all my thoughts and I forgot to bring a pen!" Jeremy said.
"Just, put it back on my desk. It's my last good pen," Guy said. He sat down at his own desk and tapped the tabletop.
"Sure can do," Jeremy said. He gave Guy the pen back, "...Sooo. I heard you had some trouble with rabbids the other day."
Guy got red.
"You know! I'm not really in the mood to talk! Can we get to the stupid report already!?" Guy snapped.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, let's, let's.." Jeremy was shaken, but quieted down.
The rest of their shift lacked any conversation besides the topic of their report. Guy found his frustration beginning to cool while working on his own terms for most of the shift, but the rage within ate away at every non-email, spreadsheet thought.
How could they replace him after everything he did? How could they replace him after everything he did? How could they replace him after everything he did? How could they replace him after everything he did?
There was no reasonable answer, only a cycle, a never ending tunnel without origin. How, how, how!? Why, why, why?! All the bank he had been making before was sure to be fractioned after today, yet he was still doing the same job. It was so heavy in stupidity, so betraying of his loyalty.
That new kid was such a deadbeat too. He had his headphones in while he sent emails, sometimes he'd even go on his phone. What was this? The back of the class? The kid couldn't even focus on what he was doing. Was this dude really more experienced or just more privileged? If Walsh saw Guy doing that he'd get in trouble for messing around on company time. This kid did it like it was natural. All up in that groove, bobbing his head and striking a little jig every once in a while. Not an ounce of respect for the job.
At one point Walsh asked Jeremy out of the room to set up his account in the HR office. New job, new employee number, password, email blah blah. The kid picked up his notepad to take notes, but he then remembered.
"Oh, just a second. Guy, would you mind if I borrowed your pen for my notes? I'll be real quick."
"..Isn't there anyone else you could ask?" Guy grumbled. Walsh heard it.
"Just let him have your pen man!" Walsh said, "Sheesh."
Guy handed his pen over to Jeremy and watched the two leave him. Guy had done a lot of stupid things in his life, but allowing himself to be angry in front of his manager? He could only wonder what kind of childish person Walsh thought of him now. Possessive over a pen? Really? What did it matter? He was angry. It felt good. He was right. No, no, this was petty. Taking his anger out at some kid over a pen? But if it was so petty, why did he do it? He was better for the job than Jeremy that's why. Still, it didn't have to translate into being cruel to him, especially in front of people he wanted to impress.
He had a lot of thinking to do.
When the clock struck 3pm for the first time in weeks, Guy was set loose as scheduled. The sun wasn't even close to setting, but he had no need to stay any later. Jeremy was out of the office first, preparing to leave even before three. Typical. At least that meant that Guy had the office to himself for a bit, if only to rearrange the supplies the kid mixed up that morning.
Guy found himself eyeing his combat robot model again. It was such a long time ago when he was into building it after school on his own terms.
Without understanding why, a ping of passion struck him and melted away with a sadness. He knew that in his memory somewhere, he had been happy once in robotics club. His past satisfaction was more of a fact than any emotion he could recall. He wondered what that must've looked like on his face. To see his electric child come to life after painstakingly learning to code, bolt, and glue, buzzing, imperfect.
Was he good at robotics? He kinda had a knack for it, sure. When he was really young he used to make cute little plans for 'inventions' like that of a kooky scientist in the movies. They hardly ever worked, but he liked it for the process. Maybe a little too much at times. That was the problem. There was only going to be one version of himself that he could put time into. Robots and gadgets took too long, and too much money. If his grades back then reflected the way he went about having a job, he'd surely be put out on the street like some sort of.. wild animal.
What was he even doing? Mourning his misguided eighth grade passion like a past life. Why feel sad about something he couldn't possibly make work? So what? He was missing out on some old fashioned fun. He didn't need that stuff. What he was working on now was so much more important. Would lead him to far greater heights.
Sure, he was working under the kid now, but when he'd reach his peak, he'd be the one with the power to make people feel this small. The strength, the dedication, the will above his own body. It would be blinding to people like Jeremy. People who took that kind of skill for granted until they faced a real emergency. What were they gonna do when they were in real trouble? Beg him for help?... He'd really love to see that.
At home Guy went around doing some cleaning up, but quickly found himself without anything to do. Normally he'd still be at work, struggling to stay awake. Thinking about it was enough to get him sleepy. He had come into his living room to catch up on a show that had finished airing ages ago, but exhausting himself as he was, he couldn't will himself to put it on.
He curled up in the corner of his couch and let his head collapse. It was so nice to give in when it was perfectly justified. He didn't care if he napped the rest of the afternoon. He earned it.
He heard an outdoor scratching.
Of course he could never get a moment of rest even at home, huh?
It was some sort of intermittent scraping just outside the house, like a squirrel was climbing the wall. He didn't pay it much mind. The animal would pass and be on its way to the neighbors bird feeder soon enough. Or maybe not. This squirrel was way worse at climbing than any Guy had ever heard. It lost its grip and started over twice already. What was it? Fat as a cat? Or with a missing little squirrel arm? At that point the thing should've given up and gone around his house. Oddly, it didn't. It stopped at a spot on his wall and pushed open a window.
"Bwah-ha!" A rabbid chirped in triumph.
Guy rose from his couch as if someone spilled cold water on him.
He turned to the open window. A rabbid was climbing in. The one with the tie! Guy ran up to stop him but he was too late. The rabbid saw him charging, slipped into the house and ran. For a rabbid, he was awfully spooked by him. Guy chased him into his kitchen, where the rabbid slipped into a bottom cabinet and shut the door.
"Bwah! Bwah bwah?" Tie said, muffled. He peeked from the cabinet. Guy kicked it shut. Better in there where he couldn't bite.
"Bwah!?" Another voice coming from the window. The stickers rabbid.
"Bwah! bwah-bwah-bwah," Tie replied to them.
The dialogue led Stickers to leap through the window like a wrestler jumping into the ring. He roared, running straight for Guy. Guy leapt onto his kitchen table to avoid the raging thing, but they didn't chase him up there.
They shook their fist at him before opening the cabinet door to check on Tie.
Guy took the opportunity to escape them. He slid off the table, making a break for the front door. He put his hand on the doorknob. He paused. Was that a hissing?
The hinges exploded, dropping the door on the threshold. Guy turned around and got out of the way of his falling door. Behind it was a rabbid wearing a handmade military uniform standing on two other bunnies. In her mouth like a cigar was a stick of lit dynamite.
"Bw..- Ba bwah bwah?" A rabbid private pointed to the dynamite, drawing her attention to it. Capitan took the dynamite out of her mouth, confirmed that it was in fact dynamite, and then put it back. It blew up, rattling her helmet and covering her face in ash.
"Ow."
Guy gasped. Not only were these more rabbids, but rabbids with explosives.
He ran back the way he came. Tie was there, standing firm, waving his arms to try and stop him. Guy leapt over him and continued up the stairs to his bedroom. He entered the room, locked the door and took a step back. He could hear knocking from multiple little hands.
What did they want with him now? Was all this really to rob him of his wallet? Because he wasn't going to give them his wallet.
The rabbids stopped knocking.
"Ba bwaba.. Bwah bwah. Bwah bwah," a rabbid on the other side said, "Bwuh, bwuh bwah."
All the little hands knocked twice with the same beat. They waited a moment.
"Bwah bwah bwah?" One voice doubted.
"Bah! Bwuhbwuh.." the first voice said, frustrated.
A knock came from the other side of the room. Guy turned. There was a rabbid in his room on the window sill, dressed in black besides an opening for his eyes and ears. A ninja.
Ninja King tilted his head and squinted his eyes, as if he was trying to make a connection.
He jumped out of the window backward. Guy, surprised, walked up to the window to see where he had gone. In his front yard the rabbids had dragged a scrappy sled-boat thing made out of wood and rusted metal held together with duct tape.
The ninja as well as the mob rabbids pointed to the sled as if it was a part of some sort of lawn destroying ritual. Guy couldn't understand it in the slightest. They were all looking at him like the sled was a gift or he was supposed to comment or do something with it. Ninja King signed when Guy didn't react and ran up to the house to climb it again.
Guy saw the ninja making his way up the wall at surprising speeds. He shut the window and locked it before the ninja could enter. The rabbid started to mess with the lock using his katana.
That was it. Guy was trapped in his room. All the stories were true. Rabbids were relentlessly obsessive, and he had something they wanted.
It wouldn't be long before the ninja opened the lock from the outside, or the rabbids in the house decided to use more dynamite to blow his bedroom door off too, but for now there were no rabbids in his room. He had time to pick up his phone and call someone.
His first attempt was to call 911.
"Nine one one what's your emergency?"
"Rabbids have invaded my house!"
"Is anybody hurt?"
"No,"
911 hung up. Guy choked on his gasp. Ok. There was still somebody else he could call. Verminators were at his work this morning. They'd have to have an emergency line open right?
Guy looked up their website while the rabbids practiced different knocking rhythms on the door.
"..Verminators: rabbid security. This Jeb speaking, how may we assist?" Jeb said.
"It's an emergency. Rabbids have invaded my house! Are you able to get here in like.." Guy turned to face Ninja King who had begun to nudge the lock with his katana, "-less than five minutes?"
"Depends on where you live, but we'll be on our way. You are aware of our emergency fees, yes?"
"Yes, yes, I know, just get here! Quickly!" Guy said. He gave them his address and hung up.
While waiting he looked around his room to see if anything could be used as a weapon. If only he was a baseball player or a game hunter or maybe even a golfer. The closest thing he had to a weapon was his pillows and a lamp. He'd rather not break his lamp or shred his pillows if he didn't have to. These rabbids were really asking him to sacrifice.
Outside his door the conversation had moved on from knocking to arguing. At least that meant they were less likely to organize enough to take down his door, or maybe the argument was about how they were going to break down the door. Either way it wasn't in Guy's control. He shifted his attention to the window. It was open. No rabbid on the cill. He spotted the ninja sitting on his desk with a cup of tea.
Guy tensed up.
Ok. A rabbid had gotten in, sure, but he wasn't doing anything yet. Weren't rabbids hyperactive and violent? Maybe this one was different, or was waiting for a better moment to strike. Guy wouldn't have to use his lamp and pillows just yet.
"Bwah.. Bo bwah bwah?" The ninja asked. The rabbids voice had a calming tone, although he fought the feeling. He wasn't letting that freak rodent trick him into letting his guard down.
"You stay put right over there! Or.. or you'll regret it!" Guy held up his lamp.
"Bwah bwah," Ninja King took a sip of his tea, "Bo bo bwah?"
"Whatever you're saying, I don't care! You've broken and entered my house and that's against the law, so-so-so leave!" Guy stuttered.
Ninja King rolled his eyes and mumbled as if Guy had said something ironic.
From his open widow the two heard a commotion of vans pull up and park next to Guy's house.
"You're in for it now.." Guy smirked. The ninja snickered.
"Mn.." He cleared his throat, "BWAH! BWAH BWAH!" Ninja King shouted in the direction of the bedroom door. It was as if a snake had appeared in front of them. The rabbids outside scrambled to get down the stairs. They barked at one another all the while. Finally, they were leaving. Guy looked at the ninja, but the only thing that sat there was a wooden log and a hot cup of tea. Guy blinked twice, making sure he was seeing that right.
A minute later he heard a knock at the door.
"Sir, are you in there?"
Thank God. A human person.
"Yes!"
"Is there a rabbid with you in there?"
Guy looked at the log.
"I don't think so!" He walked up to the door and unlocked it. The verminator walked in with a handheld snare like something that would be used on a dog.
"Do you mind if I conduct a search?" She asked.
"No, no, go right ahead. There was one in here a moment ago. I think it left, but knowing it's really gone would do my mental health a lot of good," Guy said while watching her look under his bed.
Another verminator came in with a pen and notepad.
"Are you the client?" He asked. Two more verminators walked in to check the room.
"Yes, yes, thank you for coming," Guy shook his gloved hand.
"Just doing my job. So far it looks like your house is secure, but we're going to look over any places that rabbids might choose to hide in to be certain. They can be crafty. Don't want to leave until we know we've significantly discouraged them," He said.
"So that they won't come back?" Guy asked.
"I can't guarantee that, although I can suggest more long term services that may help, but these aren't free. Would you mind if I interview you for our records as well as to make suggestions? It'll only take a few minutes."
"Oh, sure! Go right ahead. Ask away," Guy said.
"Thank you. First off, do you have any idea why the rabbids would be pursuing you, or if there was anything in the house that would attract them?"
"Not of anything I'd know of. You see, last night I was working late, and some rabbids broke into my job. The funny thing is, I was sleepwalking. Next thing I know, I wake up like ten hours later on the side of the road by the beach, miles away from where I work. And there are two rabbids looking over me, my pants, my shoes, gone! My shirt is covered in salt water so I'm like ninety nine percent sure I went into the ocean, not a great look. But anyway, I ran back to my job and the rabbids chased me, but eventually they lost me, and when I got to work, apparently rabbids had broken into there too! So now I'm thinking they must've kidnapped me while I was sleepwalking at work and did who knows what with me. I thought that might've been it, but now they're at my house. Somehow figuring out where I live?" Guy ranted. He could feel the tone change in the verminators' deminor.
"Wow. Ok I think I remember reading about you from this morning. You're Guy from Big Hope, correct?" The verminator scribbled on his notepad to try and keep up.
"Yes, Guy Kowalczyk. I told the verminators there about what happened that morning already."
"Guy, is there a possibility that you were acting in a certain, possibly entertaining, fashion while you were sleepwalking? Maybe acting out a dream or a character?"
"I sometimes talk in my sleep, but never enough to be concise. I wouldn't say it's anything too interesting," Guy said.
"Noted, noted. Ok. Now this is only speculation based on experience, but it seems to me that the rabbids are after YOU in particular, which is a huge concern. The fact that they would come after you so many hours apart, even discovering where you live. There's a chance that they're obsessed with you. To what end, we aren't sure, but stuff like this doesn't happen every day, especially for those who have no idea why. If it was something you knew, we'd recommend suspending that behavior until the rabbids left you alone, but we don't know what to suggest. Maybe treat your sleep walking? I'm not aware how difficult that may be for you. Er, did the rabbids threaten you or harm you at all? Do you feel they're only playing or are planning to hurt you?" The verminator said.
"None of them hurt me so far, but I'm not convinced they wouldn't. Is this the part where you try to sell me your security installations?" Guy raised a brow.
"Hey, that's all on your terms bud," The verminator raised his arms, "The last thing I want is for people to overreact about rabbid activity, sometimes that can make it worse. We always suggest giving the rabbids less and less of a reason to come back before challenging them with security devices. If you have anybody nearby to stay with, I also suggest distancing yourself from these rabbids by taking a vacation. They might lose you or become discouraged if you aren't where they expect to find you."
Guy thought about possible friends, but they lived too far away, and his parents? He'd take off work to visit them for what? To hide from a bunch of oversized rodents? It wasn't a good look to take off work so suddenly anyway. Let Jeremy get all the glory while he was away? As if.
"I can't, I got.. responsibilities.." Guy said.
"I see. So your options are limited.."
"Just give me the cheapest thing you got," Guy said.
Alone again, Guy rotated the little circular emitter in his palm.
Big Hope was in the process of buying these too when he left. It was supposed to make an obnoxious sound that would deter rabbids. As if. He couldn't even feel it vibrate. The only way he knew it was on was the little switch on the sticky back. He sighed. This was the last one he was going to place. He opened the window at his bedroom and stuck his head through. He placed it on the outer wall. Apparently putting them around entrances to his house was a good way to strategically keep them away. It would also keep him from buying too many. One at every entrance and room would be more than enough.
The sun was going down now. It had been a much busier day than he had expected, but at least it was coming to an end. He was replaced at work by a juvenile slacker, and he was Mr. Popular with alien freaks. Great. The verminator emergency fee and single day door replacement cost him a third of his savings, but at least he wasn't going broke for nothing.
Earlier he thought the verminators were trying to scare him out of his cash, but thinking about it again, they weren't nearly as concerned at Big Hope. They expected it to be a one off break there, but with him, they spoke as if he would never have a day of peace again. Maybe there was a different sales strategy going on between a lab like Big Hope and a single male living alone like him, but accepting an honest difference between the two situations was hard to deny.
What in the world could he have done to make those bunnies so obsessed with him? Every verminator he talked to suggested that it had something to do with his sleep walk. That was likely true, but Guy knew his sleep walking wasn't nearly as entertaining as everyone was assuming. He had seen recordings. Sometimes he'd get up and say nonsense or act out his morning routine. He didn't change persona or anything a rabbid could find interesting. If he did, it was an entirely new phenomenon. Or maybe he didn't need all that to get a rabbid's attention.
Still, there was one more avenue he had forgotten about. The laser. The scientist had said his shoes were found in the laser room.
Something had made contact with the beam to cause a power outage. Most likely a rabbid. That chamber was always locked anyway. There was no chance he sleep unlocked the door, so a rabbid would have to get involved. A rabbid was also more likely to touch something like that, so it couldn't have been him. Anyway, Guy had no symptoms. He'd been over this already.
While he sat at his desk, scrolling on his personal computer, an image spawned in his mind. The labs. He had been in the labs. They were dark, dizzying. It was unlike him to remember his sleepwalking. Maybe he was making up scenarios to get all worked up about. Why get worried about something that had nothing to do with the supposed problem? Of course he'd been in the labs, his shoes had been left there. Still, thinking about that strange place was scaring him beyond a reasonable reaction, as if the very walls of the memory were closing in on him now.
This memory, it was getting heavier. It wasn't the only memory either. Something else was coming back to him. He had to think. What if? It was so unlikely. He didn't show any symptoms. He was ok. Yet, something was wrong. He must've scared himself bad. His heart. He could hear it fuel his discomfort: loud, quickening. His breathing was shallow, audible. His hands were shivering. Starting to sweat. What was upsetting him?
He couldn't get his mind off the labs. Maybe he needed some funny internet nonsense to distract him enough to calm down. He reached for his mouse but it was so uncomfortable to move his hand through his shivering. He tried to tuck his hand in his armpit in order to relax it, but his worry only heightened. He stood up. Maybe walking around would get all this extra energy out. He paced in his room, trying to keep his mind from thinking about the lab. But how could he not? He had been there. He remembered. The laser room, dark, with no laser. He had thought it was a server room with all the computers in it. Ok he was there, but it was all wrong. He'd never been in the laser room before, but he knew the computers were far too tall. Even his memory of the surrounding lab was off in the same way. Maybe it was a dream, or maybe he was remembering it wrong, or maybe it was all real and he didn't understand how yet.
Oh God. Nothing he was doing was helping. He couldn't control his thoughts. The intensity of the terror was making it difficult to keep pacing. He shook his head as if he was trying to get something out of it. A sharp, painful, droning sound coming from his window had rattled his eardrums all of a sudden. It was easy to pin. Only a little less than an hour ago he had put the verminator's audible repellent outside his window. Course it was faulty. It could explain his paranoia too. He must've been used to it before now.
He cringed while opening his window. The sound was crushing the inside of his head. He had to build up the courage to stick his body through and pry the thing off the wall before impulsively throwing it out onto the street. After it was gone his worry began to dissipate for the first time since the attack began. Still, he wasn't out of his panic attack yet. There were a number of emitters in his study as well as downstairs too. It was nearly 7pm, he had time. Especially for a bad review and a refund.
He had never known any sound to rattle him so much he hallucinated fake memories. Despite knowing they were fake and that he was going to rid himself of the source, he still couldn't calm down. Could a sound alone really make him feel this way? It was like he was coming down with a sickness at record speed. His skin, his face, shoulders, back, legs, and gut was overheating and twitching, yet his body wasn't in nearly as much pain as his ears.
Across from his room was his study, and his next target. The parallel window. He stopped himself from throwing the emitter this time, instead quickly turning it over and flipping the switch. His hand was still shivering as he did it. The peace from the silence was fleeting. The shrill of more echoed downstairs. He gulped and held his head, knowing how much more pain he was going to suffer through before he could relax today. He took a break, leaning on the wall before pushing himself to go down the stairs to his kitchen.
On the bottom step heavy vertigo hit him. His heart skipped, his knees went weak. He fell, his senses returning again on impact.
Did that really happen? Wasn't that what fainting was? He curled up and quaked. No, no, he was going to die if he just sat there. With his remaining strength he pulled himself up to a counter using a cabinet as a handhold. He leaned on it, unable to stand on his own. There he got a glimpse of his arm. Something strange was on it. It was its normal proportions, but there were spots of thicker, lighter skin, no, -white hair patches with a thicker skin underneath them. He stared at the spots before realizing they were spreading. One had almost completely enveloped his hand, covering his fingers and fusing them together. The only finger that remained untouched was his pointer finger.
He became cold with shock before his stress multiplied. He looked at his other arm to find an even worse version of the same thing. He let go out the counter to try and pry the spots off him, but they were fused to him. He stumbled in the direction of the sink, nearly falling again from weakness. Trying to grab something to hold onto, he accidentally took a number of kitchen tools off the counter, making a clatter. He ignored it, desperate to make it to the sink. He turned the faucet on its highest pressure setting, letting the water run over them, scratching them raw. The spots remained unfazed. Still shivering, heart pounding, he watched as his pointer finger was eaten up by the spot until the space in between it and the mass that used to be his other fingers joined like one big webbing.
Helpless, he broke into a sob.
He remembered something like this. This had happened before. In the offices. His arms had been wrong there too. It had happened before and it was going to happen again. He remembered now. The bright near explosion, burning every cell. He had never screamed louder and with more urgency as he did then. But he didn't die. He had become smaller and he hadn't properly made that connection until he was back upstairs. But he wasn't just shorter. He had long ears on the top of his head, white fur, mitten hands.
Clearer than any other memory, he could see the way he looked when he took a step in front of the mirror. A rabbid.
He started to break down into more sobs at the thought. He could feel the patches going around his head now. He knew what it was going to do to his face, but he didn't dare investigate. He was already so nauseous, so helpless. He could at least keep himself from knowing how far gone he was.
Voices.
"Ow! Owowowow!"
"You wanted to go, so go in already!"
It was two somebodys opening the window in his living room. He remembered putting an emitter there. Of course. Of course. He frowned and shook his head. No wonder rabbids had come for him before. He was one of them, and tonight they were going to take him back. He couldn't let them make this worse. He wiped away his tears and picked himself up again, slipping before getting a proper handhold. From where he leaned against the wall he could see the two. Always it was them. They stopped when he made eye contact. The rabbids were surprised, disgusted. He couldn't keep his focus on them. Too embarrassed to be seen in such a horrific way that even rabbids were afraid. He made a break for his stairs to try and lock himself in his room again, but putting a single foot on the steps made him dizzy. He was going to fall if he tried to go up there. He turned to look for better options.
Stickers and Tie were walking up to him now. He had to get away. The pantry. He pushed himself away from the rabbids to the door of his food pantry. It wasn't much of a walk in, most of the space was already taken up by snacks, cans, and supplies. Guy nearly broke the door by putting too much weight on it to open it. He slipped in and held it shut.
"I got this," Stickers said, cracking his knuckles. He grabbed the edge of the door trying to pull it open. Guy's strength failing him, he couldn't win. In a moment he was going to have the door open on him.
"Tuller stop! What do you think's going to happen when you open that!?" Tie said. Stickers grunted. They let go of the door, allowing Guy to hold it firmly shut again.
"Guy, are you ok? Do you understand me? You've got rabbid ears in case you didn't know," Tie said.
"Please don't talk to me. Leave me alone!" Guy whimpered.
"You have to remember! You hung out with me and Tuller all night," Tie said.
"No, no, that's not true!" He shook his head, tears flowing from his completely rabbid face.
"But it is! Please don't be scared! You were scared before, but you had fun by the end. If you only remembered, maybe we could have fun again," Tie said.
"And what if he doesn't remember?" Stickers asked, whispering.
"I don't know! But it's him, what are we supposed to do?" Tie whispered back.
As much as he wanted to prove the rabbids wrong, they were starting to remind him of more memories.
Stickers, a quiet yet kind thing despite his flashes of rage when exposed to explosives. Before they even knew each other, he gave Guy one of his stickers to soothe him.
And Tie: an impulsive and fun loving thing who had an affinity for humans and the practice of being proper. When Guy was on the beach, they really connected over an ironic fear.
With every breath, more was coming back. Leaving his car behind, the people downtown giving him a panic attack, the way these two rabbids tried to help him calm down, how they let him tag along after knowing him for only a moment, the strange rabbids he saw, the addicting glee of the sled, giving food away to strangers, playing in the sand by the fire.
His breathing began to settle, his heart steady. He was a lot shorter than when he'd gotten in. Looking at his arms and his little legs, and even feeling his face, he figured it was complete.
"Guy? Even if you don't remember, we can still be friends. We'll pretend to meet again for the first time! Well, I will. You wouldn't be pretending," Tie said.
Guy opened the door a crack. Stickers and Tie paused to see what he was going to do. He opened it wider, taking a step out. A rabbid in oversized clothes.
Stickers stood in front of Tie.
"Hold on just a second. Do you know who we are?" Stickers asked.
Guy nodded. He awkwardly played with his hands, "..You two helped me get my confidence. Thank you. I hadn't been a rabbid for very long when we met."
"So you're human..What happened to you!? Are you a spy?" Stickers asked. They walked around Guy, looking him over as if investigating a magic trick. Tie joined them. Guy didn't flinch at their curiosity, comfortable with them.
"No no! It was an accident. I sleep walked into a laser designed to edit genetics. I work at a cancer research center," Guy said. It was clear by the way the companions glanced at each other that they didn't know what he meant, "Er, I was shot by a laser at work and it turned me into a rabbid. Although the way I keep changing isn't something I'd expect.."
"You think this is going to keep happening? Human to rabbid, to human to rabbid?" Tie asked. He was playing with Guy's hand, fascinated.
"I guess.. Does that make me some kind of, were-rabbid person?" Guy asked.
"If you are, please don't bite me," Stickers shuttered.
"Oh! Please bite me!" Tie shoved his hand at Guy's mouth, but Guy pushed it away.
"I don't think it works that way, but if it did, I'd think twice about getting bit," Guy said.
"Think twice?!" He scoffed, "Don't you know I've been thinking about this all day!?" Tie snapped. His eyes went red. "Sorry! Sorry!" Tie took a step back, putting a fist to his chest and moving it in a clockwise circle, "You're right. I don't know anything about this or what could happen. But, if I, I..." He sighed, defeated.
"You.. You did that thing that he does," Guy said, pointing to Stickers.
"You mean rage?" Tie avoided eye contact, "It's like a defect mechanic-ism for rabbids."
"A defense mechanism?" Guy asked.
"Yeah.." Tie lightened up with a realization, "Hey..You don't know much about rabbids do you?"
"Not really," Guy said.
"Wow. So, this is gotta be crazy for you," Tie said, "You don't know anything about us and here you are. Rabbids are so different from humans. Do you feel weird, like in your head?" He got close.
"What do you mean?" Guy asked, he took a step back.
"Do you only look like a rabbid?" Stickers asked, "Or are you one here too?" They walked up to poke Guy's forehead and chest.
"..Remembering does make me kind of giddy," Guy said. He was a little uncomfortable thinking about being a rabbid any more than he already was. What could his companions be referring to? Was it something he already experienced, or something he had yet to discover? If he discovered it, would he like it? His companions seemed to know what it was, and they were probably the most loyal, selfless beings he'd ever met. If he found out maybe it wouldn't be so bad, "If I was a rabbid here," Guy poked his head and his heart, "How would I know?"
The companions thought about it.
"You don't murder your own species," Stickers said.
"You are diagnosed with Rabbid Condition at a young age," Tie said.
"Murder? Rabbid Condition?" Guy said, puzzled.
"Specifically murdering your own people," Stickers clarified.
"And Rabbid Condition is when they tell you when you're a rabbid and there isn't anything they can do about it," Tie said.
"Ok, but what does that have to do with knowing if I'm any different?" Guy asked.
"It might not have as much to do with what we said," Tie said, "Those things are like, something important about being a rabbid to us! But you aren't us. You would have to know your rabbid self based on stuff that happened to you in particular. But is that rabbid any different from the man that was afraid of us? I really really wanna know. I know humans are different. I'm the proof. So I'm asking, how do you feel?" Tie tapped his own chest with what would have been his middle finger bent toward himself. Guy saw Tie's eagerness for an answer, but knew he could never satisfy it.
".. I don't know how, or what to tell you. I do feel differently, I think. Maybe I'm mixing it with something else or maybe it's because I haven't been a rabbid for very long or- but I, I, don't know," Guy said. Tie sighed.
"Fair enough," He tapped his thumb to his chest with his palm splayed, "Maybe you do need more time being a rabbid to find out. Oh! That reminds me. Everyone was really excited to see if you were going to turn back. They kinda got bored though, and you also called the verminators on us, and your house stings my ears worse than dynamite now so.." Tie said.
"Yeah it's really bad," Guy said quickly.
"But we still have to go and tell everyone you're OK! And that I was right! And that this is crazy and real! And really cool!" Tie nodded while sticking his thumb in his chest and wiggling his fingers.
"Everyone?" Guy asked.
"Yeah! You know, the rabbids that saw you last night? Let's go see.."
He turned to leave before realizing the window still had an emitter on it. Guy noticed his hesitation.
"..It's moments like these that make you wish you were still four times as tall," Guy said.
Stickers began to yell, pushing a chair past them and into the living room where he used it to climb up the open window and fling himself into the twilight. Guy and Tie looked at one another. They covered their ears and tried to keep it together as they followed, although not nearly as fast. When they passed the open window they were so close to the emitter that they lost their ability to be agile and tripped out of the window. They shook their heads and ran into the neighbors yard to get away. Guy ran through some bushes, but was caught by his collar. He turned to dislodge his shirt from a branch only to discover Stickers' arm pulling him close.
"Listen here Guy Kobalt!"
"Kowalczyk..?" Guy corrected them.
"Whatever!" They pushed them into the trunk of the bush and held them there. Guy gasped at their strength, "Jerry might've been blinded by your fantastical transition, but I'm not convinced you can be trusted. I'm a rabbid's rabbid, Guy. I stick with my own, and I'd prefer that Jerry does the same, but I won't stop him from doing what he wants. I will, however, remind you that you aren't due the same grace. If you hurt him in any way, I will be there to remind you that rabbids may be invincible, but humans are very," they chuckled, "VERY, fragile. Just something to think about before you turn back." They dropped Guy.
"Ow.." Guy massaged his neck and wrist. Was he just threatened by a rabbid? He should've expected it. Stickers was pretty clear on his view of humans, and now that he knew Guy was one, he was being treated differently. Guy's initial thought was to be angry with them over being so harsh, but he only found sadness in its place. Stickers was kind before they knew him, went out of their way to feed needy people, and now they were protecting their friend from someone they saw as dangerous, all while allowing Tie to make his own decisions.
Guy hadn't been threatened by a mindless brute and for no reason. He was being watched by a serious creature with a moral code. Guy could only imagine where the urgency came from. As a man, did he really carry so much power? What could he do that would get on him on Stickers' bad side? Either way, it actually hurt him to be seen this way, especially by someone who he personally respected.
Tie entered the bush.
"There you are! What are you two doing here? Did you find any sleeping birds?" He asked, looking in the branches for birds.
"Guy got his shirt snagged in a branch, but we got it out. We're ready to keep going," Stickers said.
"Alright then, let's go! We don't know how much time Guy has left," Tie said. He left the bush to the neighbor's yard. Stickers gave Guy one last glance before following after him. Guy sighed and did the same.
5/22/2023
Title from "What I Want" by The Living Tombstone.