Harry Potter And The Order of The Penis (And Umbridge!) Bart and Liza and the Wiz Kids take part in another adventure based on the events of The Order of the Phoenix.
Plot
The Warner Bros logo.
"Uh... Abracadabra, Doc!" said Bugs Bunny munching on a carrot.
"They don't say that in the movie..." said Wakko as the Animaniacs peep out from behind the logo.
We cut to a dreary looking park with slides and swings in the middle of a sweltering summer.
Dudley at about his late teens and his gang of yobs are occupying the playground that is meant for young children.
The postman was uncomfortable seeing yobs in the park meant for very young children.
An American accented radio show host on Dudley's portable radio was explaining the weather today.
"It's a scorcher today folks! So slap on some sun screen!"
Dudley kicked the radio aggressively.
D, as his gang affectionately called him. was there with his thuggish companions. Including Rat Boy. (Piers Perkins)
"Rat Boy?! I resent that!" said Piers, he gnawed the rusty frame of the swings in a rather rodent-like manner.
"Hey stop gnawing that!" The park keeper yelled.
Dudley nudged Piers. He stopped gnawing the frame of the swings.
Harry Potter arrived.
"Oh look it's the freak..." said Piers.
Harry frowned.
On a hill over looking the park, Oscar sat with his living teddy bear creature, Teddy.
"Hot today, eh Oz?" Teddy panted.
"Yeah I forget it must be torture for you in that fur..." said Oscar. "Aguamenti." He casted the water charm to fill up Teddy's water bowl.
Teddy said no more as he eagerly lapped up the water.
Harry was trying to get Dudley to go home.
"Come on Dudley, let's go home..." said Harry.
"Are you gonna cry about Cedric again? Ooooooh Cedric!" Piers mocked Harry.
Harry frowned.
Back on the hill, Oscar continued from where he left off.
"Listing things we'll need during our quest to Everfrost mountain." Oscar explained.
Teddy interrupted him by sniffing his crotch with yis big wet shiny nose. Oscar blushed. Teddy grinned. Oscar frowned and squeezed Teddy's nose, It squeaked like a toy.
...
Harry eventually convinced Dudley that they should start heading home.
Along the way they had to pass through an ominous tunnel. The kind that crack heads and winos lurk around in.
This one was empty though, but was decorated with crude slogans and graffiti, evidence that the wrong sort of people sometimes did lurk here.
"Come on Dudley..." Harry sighed as Dudley was plodding along because he was so fat and unhealthy.
Dudley frowned.
Suddenly there was a Dementor floating about. The black gaseous being drifted about in the tunnel.
"What is that?!" Dudley yelled.
"Dudley run! Run!" Harry yelled.
However the Dementor caught up with Dudley and drained him of his emotions.
"Expecto Patronum!" Harry casted a patronus and it charged at the dementors, repelling them. The patronus took the form of a white stag. Harry's father's animagus form.
Harry slipped his wand back in his pocket.
"Don't put your wand away just yet Harry." said an old crone.
"Mrs Figgs?" Harry asked.
An old nosey woman hobbled over, aided by a stick.
"Dementors in Little Whinging, whatever next? Whole world's gone topsy-turvy. - " said Mrs Figg.
"I like it when things go topsy-turvy..." said Oscar grinning.
Teddy winced at him, baffled and concerned.
"I don't understand. How do you know...?" Harry asked.
"Well, I'm a Squib Harry. Born into the magical world but I have now magical abilities. Can't even cast a ruddy Flipendo right." said Mrs Figg.
Dudley whimpered, exhausted and drained of emotion. He felt nothing, no sadness, no joy, nothing.
"Also Dumbledore asked me to keep a look out, watching over you." said Mrs Figg.
"Dumbledore?" Harry asked.
"Well after He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named murdered that poor Diggory boy do ya think he wouldn't be keeping an eye on you?" said Mrs Figg.
"Now head straight home! Both of you!" said Mrs Figg.
Harry helps Dudley to his feet and they head home.
Oscar was playing with a yo-yo.
Teddy grimaced exasperated at him.
...
Privet Drive, Dursley House.
Harry arrived with Dudley, who was in a bad way.
Oscar phased through the door as if he was a phantom.
Harry grimaced baffled.
Dudley whimpered.
"Is that you Diddykins." Petunia asked.
Oscar cracked up laughing in a shrill squeak of laughter.
Harry hushed him.
"Gahahaha! Diddykins..." Oscar chuckled.
Dudley lost his footing.
"Oh heavens! Dudley! Vernon come quickly!" Petunia cried.
The fat, red faced walrus man lumbered from the living room.
"Call an ambulance!" Petunia cried.
"Dudley, who did this to you?" Vernon asked Dudley who looked very pale.
Dudley whimpered.
Vernon glared at Harry.
"Happy, are we, now? You've finally done it. You've finally driven him loopy." Vernon roared.
"I like being loopy though!" Oscar chuckled.
Harry gave him a nervous look and shivered.
"Kalahoohoo! ZigZog boopity boop!" Oscar yelled in gibberish.
"Crikey! The boy's stark raving mad!" Vernon gasped.
Harry hushed Oscar. Oscar frowned at him.
"I've reached my limit, do you hear? This is the last I'm gonna take of you and your nonsense." Vernon ranted.
"How dare you! Your appalling, neglectful treatment of Harry is bad enough! But forbidding my glorious nonsense?! I love nonsense!" Oscar yelled. "Hakuna Matata...!" He ran around singing hakuna Matata...
Teddy face palmed.
Vernon went as white as a sheet. "Petunia, this boy is an escaped lunatic!"
Petunia was trying to revive Dudley.
"Kallae Kistnaeeeee..." Oscar rasped. pointing a rubber chicken menacingly at Vernon.
Teddy was still face palming.
...
The Weasley house.
Aurors were there such as Tonks who could change her appearance on a whim, ie her hair colour. And Kingsley Shacklebolt. An African guy in traditional robes.
Also I may have mistaken Kingsley for the British crumpet eating Limey who explored Antartica.
"Ngolol Golo! This is not my sandwich!" said Kingsley.
"Oz can you not be racist..." Teddy frowned.
"Well he should not dress like the prime minister of Nigeria..." said Oscar.
Teddy face palmed.
"Where have you been?" Ron asked.
"Out and about, freaking everyone out with my gibberish!" said Oscar. "MALKOFOFET!"
Ron winced.
Dursley house. Vernon was eating Ben and Jerry's. Possibly Cookie dough flavour.
A letter arrived from the fireplace.
"What?" Vernon gasped.
It was a howler. Those letters that shout at you.
"Dear Mr Potter." This one spoke in a calm but authoritative manner, similar to a bureaucrat.
"It has been reported that your wand casted a patronus at 15:23 in the presence of a muggle." said the letter. "A violation of the Magical Secrecy Act." The letter stated.
"But!" Harry stammered.
"The Ministry of Magic has decided you are to be expelled from Hogwarts, immediately." said the Howler.
"Expelled?!" Harry gasped.
"Good day." said the letter. It tore itself up.
Harry looked upset.
"Justice..." said Vernon evilly as he ate ice cream.
"Drop dead!" Oscar snapped. How did he get there? Oh wait he teleports...
That night Harry sighed and lamented that he had been expelled.
"Sorry Hedwig... Looks like no more Hogwarts fir us..." said Harry.
Hedwig screeched.
Suddenly Kingsley, Tonks, Mad Eye Moody, The real one... and The Tenth Doctor warped in.
"What?!" Harry gasped.
"What are you doing here?"
"Rescuing you, of course." said Tonks. "You're about to start another year at Hogwarts."
"But I've been expelled!" said Harry.
"By who's authority?" Kingsley boomed, he folded his arms into his loose blue robes.
"The ministry." said Harry.
Tonks face palmed. "Harry, the ministry does not have the authority to expel you. Only Dumbledore does."
"So get packing lad!" said Mad Eye Moody.
...
The Weasley House.
"A bit run down compared to that muggle house..." said Kingsley.
"Yeah but these Weasleys, They are proper nice people." said Tonks in a common cockney manner.
Oscar rolled his eyes. "How did she become an Auror...
They knock. Molly lets them in.
"Harry." Mrs Weasley asked.
"Mrs. Weasley." Harry replied.
"Kalahoohoo? Sabayoooo?" Oscar replied in gibberish.
Teddy face palmed.
"Heavens, you're all right?" Mrs Weasley asked.
"Bit peaky, but fine." said Harry.
"Well I'm afraid dinner will wait until after the meeting's finished." said Mrs Weasley.
"Aaaaaaaw... but I'm hungry now..." Oscar whined.
Mrs Weasley ushered them upstairs. "First room on the left. Sorry dears, grownup stuff."
Oscar pouted as he went upstairs.
Hermione and Ron were waiting. Hermione hugged Harry.
Ron still had Scabbers in my fanon...
Harry glared at him.
"What?" Ron asked.
"You're a right git you know that?!" Harry snapped.
"What?! He's my pet!" Ron whined.
"He killed Cedric!" Harry yelled.
Ron frowned while stroking Scabbers.
"Actually I'm glad Cedric died. Now people will go back to being respectfully afraid of vampires..." said Ace. Oscar's vampire friend.
Harry glared at Ace.
Oscar was gawking at Scabbers.
"What?" Ron asked.
"Your rat as metal leg." said Oscar. Scabbera had a metallic, shiny front leg with metal claws.
"Yeah I was wondering about that..." said Ron.
"That's because Voldermort gave Pettigrew a new arm..." said Harry glaring at Ron.
...
Elsewhere because this is a Simpsons fan fic...
Bart, Lisa and Hugo were in the book store in Quadrangle Alley getting the year's new text books.
"I really want a post delivery owl." said Hugo. "And I shall name him Balthazar."
Bart seethed.
Hugo smirked.
"Enough!" Bart yelled. "You are not giving your owl a dork name like Balthazar!"
Hugo laughed.
Bart simmered.
"Or I could get a gelatinous cube..." said Hugo.
"No!" Bart yelled annoyed.
Plot 2
Weasley House, upstairs. Oscar was packing the necessities for Hogwarts.
"The bear necessities..." Teddy, his cartoon teddy bear thing grinned.
Oscar sighed.
Something in the attic groaned.
"What was that..." Oscar stammered.
"Oh that's our family ghoul. we keep him locked up in the attic." said Ron.
Now Oscar was glaring at Ron. "Well don't! I'm mad at the Simpsons for locking up poor Hugo!"
Ron winced.
"Oz don't talk to him..." said Harry.
Ron frowned while petting Scabbers.
The door rang again.
"Leprechaun!" Oscar cheered.
Ron gawked baffled.
Molly tutted as she answered the door.
The Simpsons were there.
"We don't want anything you're selling. We don't want to join any religions!" said Molly hastily shutting the door.
"No we're here to pick up Oscar!" said Marge.
Molly swung the door open again. "Oh then come in. Straight upstairs. The Order of the Phoenix is currently in a meeting..." said Molly.
Bart shrugged.
Molly watched the yellow cartoon people head upstairs. What odd people..l she thought.
In Ron's room Hermione protested Harry's expulsion.
"I've looked it up. They simply can't expel you. It's completely unfair. " said Hermione.
"I know. I shouldn't be here. but Tonks, the pink haired lady and Kingsley explained only Dumbledore can expel me. So let's hope that's true." said Harry.
The Simpsons blundered in.
"Yo Oz, get your things, We're taking you to Springwarts." said Bart.
"PLULAKUGFALO…" Oscar rasped in gibberish.
Bart face palmed.
"Oz enough of the nonsense..." Homer groaned.
...
The Simpsons drove in Homer's pink car to Quadrangle Alley.
"So what's this Order of the Phoenix?" Bart asked.
"A secret society of wizards and witches unites to fighting Voldermort." said Oscar.
"Oh." said Bart.
"Basically good vs evil." said Oscar.
Bart rolled his eyes. "They're probably stuffy moralists... Probably wouldn't approve of a little chaos..." He chuckled.
Lisa sighed giving him an aside glance.
"Yeah well I think Order of the Phoenix is a dumb name..." said Oscar. "They should call it The Order of the Penis."
The Simpsons gasped offended.
"Not again Oz..." Bart groaned.
"What?! It's the Gob-full of Cum now and the Order of the Penis..." said Oscar.
"Oz stop! before I hurl!" Bart turned green.
Cousin Hank seethed.
"Delete this perverted crap now!" Hank yelled.
"Nope." said Oscar grinning.
Cousin Hank screamed in rage.
Oscar laughed. "Does Karen need to see the manager?"
Hank sulked.
Bart retched.
"Lalalala! You can't do anything about my smut!" Oscar sang teasing Hank for being a prude.
Back at the Weasley house.
The boys wanted to eavesdrop on the meeting so they used these ear things ob long pink rubber bands. The ear lobe objects were lowered over the landing spindles and down to the lowest floor.
"Only I may eavesdrop for I am the emperor of eavesdropping..." said Cheatsy Koopa.
Harry winced exasperated.
Crookshanks kept batting the ear things with his paw.
"No Crookshanks! Shoo!" Ron whispered to Hermione's cat.
Hermione sighed.
...
Quadrangle Alley. It's like Diagon Alley but American crosswalks, traffic and Simpsons characters.
Fourth, second grade and Üter were wandering the streets.
Ralph had his wand up his nose.
Bart winced as he went to the book store.
"Bart you left your spell book..." The Squeaky Voiced Teen store assistant handed him his book of spells.
Bart sighed.
"This is the semesters required reading material." said the store owner, a tall thin, stern man wearing spectacles clipped onto his nose. He handed Oscar a pile of books on spells, magical planta and magical creatures.
"That's a lot of reading..." said Teddy.
Oscar sighed and paid for his books.
"Do you sell Magic the Gathering cards?" Hugo asked.
"I doubt it Hugo..." said Bart.
Elsewhere, The Weasley's, Harry, Ron and Hermione and the aurors receive by owl that Death Eaters are on a rampage.
"We're not safe here anymore!" Molly gasped.
"I know where we will be safe." said Sirius Black.
They fly their brooms to 12 Grimmauld Place. Sirius Black's Grandmother's house.
The house was safe because it folded up out of existence between two Muggle houses that were normally neighbours. Ie according to official maps it shouldn't exist.
"The Black house is very well hidden." said Sirius letting everyone in.
"It stinks of mould..." Tonks sniffed.
"Tonks..." Mad Eye Moody sighed frowning at her.
Suddenly... "Mudbloods! Filthy mudbloods in the dear old mistress's house!" a house elf cried.
Sirius sighed. "This is Kreacher, My family's house elf..."
"Begone from the mistress's house! Filthy half breeds!" Kreacher screamed.
Sirius grabbed the house elf and shoved him in the grandfather clock, locking him in.
"The old bat, my grandmother was a pureblood fanatic..." said Sirius.
"Right..." said Harry.
Everyone looked around.
"Oh and the place is infested with Doxies..." said Sirius. A room was swarming with Doxies.
Hermione gasped.
...
Bart, Lisa, Hugo and Oscar got Otto's Magic School Bus to Springwarts.
"Oz stop calling it the magic school bus..." Bart sighed.
Oscar sang about the Magic School Bus cartoon.
Bart face palmed.
Lisa sighed and sat down.
Milhouse sighed, gazing at her in love.
Bart frowned and poked him. "Ow!"
Quiffy, Oscar's toon needed to stretch his legs.
"I'll be back in a jiffy."
Oscar made Jiffy pop kernels pop into popcorn and fill up the bus.
Bart frowned at him.
Inertia hit Quiffy causing him to stumble.
"Jeepers!" Quiffy whined as the toon stumbled about with exaggerated movement.
Oscar winced as he Toon was being wacky.
"Kids this is why we remain seated on the bus..." Otto sighed.
"Aww fudge..." Quiffy whined laying face down.
Oscar kept turning Milhouse into a banana head with the latter's own wand.
"Egad!" Quiffy explained when he got up and found his seat.
Bart sighed. "Oz stop turning Milhouse into things..."
Oscar sat down and left Milhouse alone.
Milhouse put his wand away so no one else could zap him with it.
Oscar was now a six foot tall rubber chicken that squeaked.
"Gadzooks..." Quiffy whined.
"Oz stop goofing off!" Bart yelled.
"Bus driver! A student purloined my wand!" Martin whined.
"Talk properly! Geek!" said Kearney, who had Martin's wand.
Otto sighed. "Kearney give Martin back his wand..."
Kearney reluctantly obeyed.
Elsewhere, instead of dying from a Dementor kiss, Barty Crouch Jr found the TARDIS and went flying about the universe.
"Blast! That's two Death Eaters that have gone AWOL!" Voldermort seethed.
...
Harry then goes to court to face expulsion.
"The ministry will now deliver its sentence." said Cornelius Fudge.
"Who is now Cornelius Fudgepacker..." said Oscar.
Cousin Hank seethed.
"I can be as crass as I like, Puritan..." said Oscar.
"The sentence is..."
"Objection!" said a loud voice, calmly.
"Who dares interrupt?!" Cornelius Fudgepacker snapped.
"I do." said Dumbledore who asked calmly.
"Look him yelling at Harry made the film more popular!" Chris Columbus yelled.
"I, Albus, Wulfric, Percival, Brian" He winked a Harry when he said Brian. "Dumbledore. Represent the defence, Harry James Potter."
"Oh fine..." Cornelius sulked.
Delores Umbridge frowned. Because she's an evil bitch and wants to ruin everything for Harry and make his life hard.
"I wish to cross examine the accusation against Harry, of his errant wand waving." said Dumbledore.
Cornelius sighed. "He was detected using a patronus charm at 15:23."
"Iindeed. Shall we ask Harry why he casted that charm?" Dumbledore asked.
Everyone chattered annoyed. The almost had a guilty plea. This interloper was frustrating things.
"Fine... Harry why did you cast a Patronus..." Fudge sighed.
"Because a Dementor attacked my cousin." said Harry.
Everyone gasped in disbelief.
"Well I never!" some muttered and so on.
"Order! Order!" Fudge yelled thwacking his mallet. "The Dementors going rogue and attacking people?! Are you serious?!"
"I happen tk believe Harry..." said Dumbledore.
"Well... after that strike, the Dementors have been unruly... but attacking people?!" Fudge pondered.
"Verdict..." said Fudge. "All who vote guilty..."
Only Umbridge put up her hand. She frowned baffled.
Harry glared up at her.
"All who vote not guilty in favour of defending a muggle..." Fudge rested on his folded arms frustrated.
Everyone else voted not guilty.
Dumbled smiled.
...
Harry reunited with his friends at Diagon Alley.
Hermione was delighted he was let off. She hugged him.
"I owe it to Dumbledore." said Harry.
"Arrrrr... good Ol' Professor Dumbledore..." said Hagrid.
Ron still had Scabbers with him.
Harry glared at him.
Meanwhile Fudge and Dumbledore argued over Voldermort returning.
"You know why all these incidents of smoke clouds destroying London landmarks and Dementors attacking are happening don't you, Cornelius?" Dumbledore grinned.
Cornelius frowned.
"Voldermort is back, and even more dangerous than ever." said Dumbledore.
"He is not back!" Fudge yelled.
"He's just like the Republicans right now, Ted..." Oscar said to his teddy bear thing.
Teddy shrugged.
They both then warped back to Springwarts.
Springwarts opening of the new school year feast.
Which was just Lunch Lady Doris's appalling cooking.
Bart groaned.
"Bart we can't magic up good food as if by magic..." said Principal Skinner.
"Uh Skinner we're teaching magic.." said Dewey Largo.
Skinner sighed.
Seymour! Explain the new staff rota!" Agnes yelled.
Skinner sighed. "My mother will now be teaching hag lessons. She will specialise in cackling and cauldron stirring."
Lisa winced.
"Lis what is 3 times 3?l Bart grinned.
"Nine..." Lisa sighed.
"Witch! Witch!" Everyone yelled pointing at her.
Plot 3
Hogwarts beginning if the new year.
Everyone was riding in carriages to the grounds. They appeared to be moving by themselves.
"What are those things pulling the carriages?" Harry asked.
"Uh? Nothing is Harry. They pull themselves!" said Neville.
"But I" said Harry.
"Oh I see them too Harry." said Luna. "The thestrals."
There were black skeleton horse things pulling the carriages.
"Do you guys see the headless horseman too?" Oscar asked.
"Uh no..." said Harry.
Teddy did "He's crazy..." gestures.
"Thestrals can only be seen by those who have witnessed and accepted death." said Luna.
"Death? We don't it..." said Oscar.
Harry frowned at him.
"Don't listen to Loony Luna..." said a boy.
"And why not?" Luna frowned.
"Last week you kept going on about nargles..." said a boy.
"Nurgle?!" Oscar asked.
Harry hushed him.
"Nargles are real... they pinch things..." said Luna offended.
A boy scoffed.
"Oh I imagine things. Like the psychic penguins from the sun..." said Oscar.
A penguin quacked.
"Quit reading my mind! Sun Penguins!" Oscar yelled.
Harry winced at him.
"You're loopy too..." said Seamus.
Oscar seethed.
"I don't imagine things! Nargles are real!" said Luna annoyed.
...
Springwarts, first lesson of the year. Um potions...
"The secret to good potions in a good cauldron." said Susan the witch from Treehouse of Horror XI.
Bart groaned dejected as he looked at the melted lump that was once his cauldron.
"Couldn't buy a new cauldron? You won't pass this class without a cauldron, boy!" said Susan.
"How much eye of newt should I add?" Oscar asked.
"One eye of newt..." said Susan the witch.
"Now focus on making your sleeping potions dearies... Gahahahaha!" Susan cackled.
Lisa shrugged and read her potions book.
Bart whimpered laying on his desk unable to use his melted cauldron.
Milhouse's potion blew up on him, again...
Oscar laughed because he had soot on his face.
Susan sighed.
"Focus on your cauldron Oscar..." said Susan.
Oscar sighed and read his potions book.
Vonderland. Ms Crystalgazer's class.
Verne, Gus and Cassy were learning about components.
"First is your magic component. Your wands for example." said Ms Crystalgazer. "Then there is the somatic component. Ie the patten your twirl your wand in.
"This is very important too otherwise you may accidentally summon a buffalo." said Ms Crystalgazer.
Verne smirked.
The class studied a spell with somatic component that involved waving the wand to draw an imaginary V in the air.
"As in V for Verne." said Cassy.
Verne blushed as red as his hair. He drew invisible Vs with his wand in the air in front of him.
Gus scoffed while practicing his wand waving.
The clockwork frog was there too.
Lucretia and Borgias sighed as they just wanted to do nothing all lesson, or prank Verne.
Cousin Hank seethed as he was annoyed the episode was back, for ever to read...
...
Hogwarts start of year feast.
"I hope there's pudding..." said Neville.
Harry winced at him.
Oscar laughed.
"I hope there's pie. I LIKE PIE!" Teddy cheered.
Oscar face palmed.
"Good evening, children. Now, we have two changes in staffing this year. We're pleased to welcome back Professor Grubbly-Plank..." said Dumbledore.
Grubbly-Plank still had no arms or legs after the numerous incidents they had with dangerous magical creatures.
Harry winced.
Hagrid was away on giant business. Ie negotiating with giants who didn't partake in eating humans.
"And Delores Umbridge is now our Defence Against the Dark Arts tutor." said Dumbledore.
The pink dress wearing woman was annoying. She would interrupt with a small cough. "Ahem."
Also the book describes her as being ugly and resembling a frog.
In the film she is sort of resembling Magnet Thatcher but without the horse teeth.
"I'm sure we'll all be good friends..." said Umbridge in a syrupy manner.
Fred and George did not like her.
Umbridge then went into constant detail about all the rules she was setting out. She loves rules...
Fred and George frowned.
Oscar was gawking at the staff table.
"Oz what are..." Hermione asked. Then she saw what he was so fascinated by.
Professor Sybil Trelawney was making a right mess with her mashed potato and cream.
Oscar snickered.
Hermione cupped her hand over his mouth to block him out as she feared Umbridge heard him.
Umbridge stopped before continuing listing all the new rules.
Later.
"Thank you Umbridge. Most illuminating." Dumbledore tried to be polite.
"Illuminating?!" Fred asked.
"More like a load of waffle..." said George.
"Mmmmmm waffle..." said Oscar drooling.
Hermione rolled her eyes.
...
Elsewhere Cousin Hank screamed and threw a tantrum at home.
"Waaaaaaaagh!"
"Oh grow up... You don't get to dictate what people write in their novels..." Homer scoffed.
Hank seethed and stormed off.