Summary: Deep discussions

A/N: This chapter is a little lighter than the previous one. I guess that's easy to do. Glad you're reading.

Chapter 21

The next morning, Ron sat next to Severus at breakfast and spoke with him softly, so no one else would hear.

"Hermione said you were in a bad way last night. Are you okay?"

Severus gave a quick nod.

"What happened, mate?"

At that point, Harry showed up and sat on the other side of him.

"You okay?" he asked with concern.

Severus looked between the two of them. He shrugged finally and cast a Muffliato silently.

"I gave the potion to the Dark Lord. He just happened to have a Muggle-born witch that they had captured. He tested it on her."

"Merlin," Harry muttered. "You had to watch?"

Severus nodded again.

"Sorry, mate. That had to be awful," Ron said.

"It was one of the worst things I've ever had to witness," Severus admitted.

"Well, you're a right brave man, Severus. I don't know if I could have stood there and not done anything," Harry said.

Severus looked grumpily at Harry. "It's not like I enjoyed it, you know. I couldn't do anything or I'd be dead right now."

He rose and stalked off.

"Wrong thing to say, mate," Ron told Harry. "Best go apologize."

"Yeah, I didn't mean it to sound like that."

"I know. But from what Hermione said, he was feeling really guilty."

Harry looked at the doors. "Where do you think he'd go?"

Ron shrugged. "Try the Room of Requirement. Or maybe the library."

Harry nodded and got up. "Wish me luck."

"You'll need it," Ron admonished.

Severus had stalked to the library. He didn't want to associate with anyone, and he certainly didn't want to go to his first-hour class, so hiding away at the back table was exactly what would be the best thing for him. He had a book open that he was pretending to read, but he was just replaying the night before over and over in his mind. He barely noticed when Draco came up to him.

"I thought I'd find you here," Draco said.

Severus came out of his reverie and looked up at the other man.

"I'm busy."

Looking around, Draco made sure no one was watching them. He sat down next to Severus. "The Dark Lord wanted me to tell you he's very pleased with your work."

Severus gave a quick nod. Looking over at Draco, he saw uneasiness in his gaze. Severus wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

"I guess we have to get used to things like that," he said warily.

Draco was the one to give a nod and look away. "I wasn't expecting it to be such a young woman," he said finally.

Severus wasn't sure if this was a plot to get him to say something against the Dark Lord. He eyed Draco, and when he saw his shaky hand run through his hair, he knew that this conversation was not a trap. He opened up.

"It was not pleasant to watch."

"No."

"The Dark Lord doesn't suspect we were disturbed by it, does he?" Severus asked.

Draco looked at him. "No. Neither of us let on while we were there. He's none the wiser."

"I think we need to keep this to ourselves, Draco. If the Dark Lord thinks for one minute that we may be having second thoughts…"

"I'm not having second thoughts!" Draco almost shouted.

Severus picked up his hand to mollify the young man. Madam Pince cleared her throat and glared at them from her desk up front. Severus glanced at her before turning back to Draco.

"I know. Neither am I. But you could see how the Dark Lord might think something like that if he knew we were… repulsed."

Severus saw fear in Draco's eyes as the realization hit him. "You're right, of course." He sniffed in diffidence. "We'll speak of this no longer."

Severus looked at Draco. Even though he knew he couldn't trust him, he cared for the man. He was Lucius' son, and Lucius was his friend. He wanted Draco to survive and not get wrapped up in the evil that Voldemort represented.

Silently, he looked into Draco's eyes and cast Legilimens. He didn't stay in Draco's mind long, he was unsure what Occlumency skills he had. But what he did see amazed him. Draco had his doubts. Severe doubts. He didn't like killing, and he didn't want to be involved in the killing of others. He put up a brave front as the Dark Lord's servant within Hogwarts, but his heart wasn't fully in it.

This was good. Maybe he wouldn't fight as desperately for the Dark Lord when the time came. Severus knew he was talented with a wand and would be a fierce opponent. Perhaps if he wasn't fully invested, he'd be able to be saved.

Severus broke eye contact and looked down.

"Nothing more will be said, but know that I am in agreement with you, Draco."

Draco looked at Severus as if he were trying to read his own mind. Severus felt no intrusion into his thoughts, though, so either Draco didn't know how to perform Legilimency or decided not to.

"I will keep that in mind," Draco replied finally.

Standing he nodded at Severus. "I'll see you later," he said before disappearing.

Severus watched him go, then looked back at his textbook. He wasn't quite sure what to make of Draco. He hoped he could be saved. It seemed he was just trying to make his family proud or keep them safe because if he was against the Dark Lord, they would probably be killed. Severus didn't envy his position as the son of a Death Eater.

He kept his eyes on his text but frowned, his mind coming back to Potter. Harry's comment had riled him. It was as if he was saying that if he'd been there, he would have saved the day. Damned Chosen One.

At that point, Harry sat down next to him.

"Go away, Potter," he sighed.

"Severus, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said in the way that it sounded."

Severus eyed him. "What exactly did you mean, then?"

"I know you couldn't say anything. I know what would happen if you did. I just think if it were me, I don't know that I would have been strong enough to do that." His eyes met Severus'. "I'm pretty sure I would have broken, and now I'd be dead."

Severus' lips thinned, and he looked away.

"You do wear your heart on your sleeve. In this case, it would have been your downfall."

"I admire the inner strength you have," Harry told him. "You know what needs to be done, and you don't let anything stand in your way in order to accomplish it."

Severus looked back and stared at Harry curiously.

"I mean it," Harry reiterated.

Severus huffed. "Thank you, I think."

"I'm just glad you're on our side. You're a formidable opponent."

Arching a brow, Severus smirked. "You're just saying that because I have to help you defeat the Dark Lord."

Harry chuckled. "You're damn right."

Severus regarded his friend. "Apology accepted. I apologize for storming off."

"No need," Harry replied. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Severus' eyebrows knit together.

"It would just be between us. I won't tell a soul."

Severus looked around and cast a Muffliato so they wouldn't be disturbed.

"I told Hermione that I felt responsible for the woman's death. She helped me to see differently, but still… that feeling remains deep down."

He sighed and looked down at his book. "It was awful, Harry. First, she gave away where she'd been hiding. There were nine others with her, who probably by now are either dead or prisoners. Then her mind just began to disintegrate. She babbled on and on about something trying to get her. Finally, her mind had conjured up the enemy within her and she took a dagger and plunged it into her, and basically disemboweled herself. There was so much blood, and she just lay there… gone. The Dark Lord laughed then, and I wanted to strike him down for what he had done."

Harry put his hand on Severus' shoulder and squeezed it.

"Probably best that you didn't. Besides, he's mine to kill."

Severus' eyes strayed over to him, and he gave a quick huff of a laugh.

"I'm having an existential crisis, here, Harry. Don't make me laugh."

Harry grinned at him. "It's my special gift."

Severus shook his head at Harry and sat back, crossing his arms in front of him.

"I suppose I should thank you, then."

"You're welcome. Are you all right, really?"

Severus nodded. "I will be."

"Good. If you want to talk more, I'm here for you. So is Ron, and of course, Hermione."

"I will keep that in mind."

"Do you want to go to class, or are you just going to sit here in the library all day?"

"Well, when you put it like that." Severus rose. "Let's go."

Harry stood and they left the library and went to class late.