Chapter 13. Dreams.
Why do people dream?
I've probably asked this question over and over by now. To the point that everyone knows about it. Seele is sick of it. Natasha just smiles and always asks me for extra help. Oleg doesn't know. Sampo says it's so we can laugh. Lynx says it's so we can take a break from reality. Pela finds a way to make it about fanfiction.
I asked grammy, but even she doesn't know. Which is weird. Because she's the person that told me about my duties and responsibilities as a record-keeper.
Speaking of record-keeper. I had no idea what they wanted me to do. "You'll know when the time comes" Grammy said, what was that supposed to mean?
Seriously. What did it mean? I have no idea but it apparently revolved around dreaming.
I'm tired of things being shoved into me. I just wanted to do work with Wildfire and spend the rest of my time writing.
Not that there was much else I could do. Twenty years on this frozen rock and nothing to show for it.
I wonder if Pela can sneak me something from the surface next time I do a supply drop.
It's been a few days and I forgot about making these journal entries. I told myself I would use it as a dream journal since apparently those are useful or whatever. But I haven't been dreaming of anything even remotely coherent so I completely forgot.
Right. Anyways. I'll try writing whatever sort of dreams come to me. I doubt it'll lead to anything.
I hope I wasn't born into some weird cult. It'd only been five years since the underground was sealed off, surely this record-keeper business had been around longer than that?
Wait, was this just an elaborate plan from my grandma to give my life some structure?
I appreciate the attempt grammy but I'm afraid my insomnia isn't so easily solved by a journal of all things.
Until next time I guess.
-Zenith.
Dear Diary.
Wow I do not like how that sounds.
Dear journal?
Dear reader.
No, that didn't make any sense. I'm the only one reading this.
Dear Myself.
Still awkward but, I'll stick with it for now.
Had a weird dream today. I mean I usually have weird dreams but this one went on pretty long and was weirdly coherent.
I dreamt of myself, but in a completely alternate reality. I was a student in some place that had bright skies and clear weather. I went to class, messed around by myself and then spent hours upon hours just sitting in front of a computer.
Seriously, there's not a whole ton to do with computers here in Belobog. At most we just use them as a secondary archival rather than paper, but its use is pretty limited in the Underworld. Well, to me it is. Natasha uses one for her clinic and from what I know a few people use it to modify the work robots, but other than that it has zero use for the average person.
Not that I was average. But the point was made.
Anyways, weird dream. I'd love to go to an actual academy, but it's not like we really have such a luxury down here. Kinda jealous that dream me gets to.
Oh well. That's it for my entry today.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself,
Alright you can skip the last few entries, they're just about mundane dreams. But get this, I had another dream about myself in another world. She literally looked just like me. Shoulder length black hair, same tired brown eyes, even dressed similarly too with her dark jeans and sweater combo.
Well, I mean, obviously she looked similar to me. People often say that dreams are just something you yearn for but can't have, so maybe that's just this case. I've certainly had quite a few dreams of impossibilities.
But it was a little weird. Why was she going to school for computer science when she so obviously cared so little about it? I only watched her for these two dreams and I could tell.
I'm just jealous that she gets an option. Everything for me is basically decided already. Perks of growing up in Belobog! Woo! Someone get me off this icy rock please.
Speaking of, I should get back to writing. Pela and I are exchanging works and I need to finish up my chapter. I still don't understand what she sees in those two men from Tale of the Winterlands. I'm much more interested in the two girls. They're obviously so much more than 'just best friends.''
News flash! Best friends don't call each other their 'other half' and have a tragic backstory together.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself.
I hate when people interrupt my sleep. I already struggle to get rest just in general, so when someone wakes me up when I actually manage to fall asleep? Hell will be unleashed.
Sorry Seele, but I'm going to be ultra bitchy today. You only have yourself to blame.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself.
Had another dream about myself. It's like a weird reoccuring dream with an actual sequential and connected story. This is like those snippets in the newspaper that Lynx sometimes brings me when we meet up for supplies. Just tiny small looks into someone else's life, but at various points of it.
They broke up with their girlfriend. My dream self seemed pretty hurt about it but managed to compartmentalize really well. I guess we shared that in common.
Obviously. We're the same person.
I've started to look forward to these dreams to the point that I don't even feel like journaling the more mundane ones. I should write about this. Maybe I'll turn this idea into a novel, get rich and then smuggle my way out of the underground and live comfortably in some Belobog apartment.
Sounds nice, no?
Don't know what to call the book though.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself.
Sampo was being especially annoying today. He's usually pretty nice to hang around, but he just wouldn't stop badgering me about hosting a betting scam for the ring. No, Sampo, I will not be helping you with your scam.
And even if he didn't specifically say the words scam, I've been around him for long enough to know what he meant.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself.
That's odd, it's been an entire year since I've started this already? Lots of pages are filled out with mundane dreams, and half of them are just me writing about personal grievances that don't even have anything to do with dreams. I guess I've lost the plot on why I wanted to do this, but it's been pretty cathartic.
I recently reread most of my entries and realized I never actually wrote down what I named my book. But I decided on 'Like Fading Stardust'.
It's a nice name, in my opinion. I got the idea from when we were having a Wildfire drinking night. Sampo was telling a story to everyone about there were countless other civilizations out there in the galaxy, that every star in the night that we couldn't see down here in the underground, was a star that could hold life in it's orbit.
And while it's true that we all knew that was true, the way he went into detail about everything and the worlds out there… It was nice.
He talked about this one place, not even really a planet like Belobog, but more of a floating civilization that was settled into space. How everyone was connected through dreams and that in those dreams people began their life anew. The sick and old could be healthy and young, entrepreneurs could start up a business in the dream and make it rich.
And then he talked about how, despite the fact that it was such a vastly different environment that we lived in, they were just the same as us. Because everyone at the end of the day was just bits and pieces of stardust.
"So that's why you should always strive to have a laugh no matter what!" He ended the story with.
The part about stardust really stuck with me. All of us, no matter who we were in this galaxy, were similar. We were all stardust that would one day fade into oblivion.
We were all… like fading stardust.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself.
I've started to dislike these dreams. It's just so… mundane? Normal? Idiotic perhaps.
Why idiotic? At first it was cool seeing myself in an entirely new world. But it's just the same stuff every single day. They have the entire world at their hands but all they do is go to school and then go home. They don't hang out with friends, they don't bother doing anything different each day, they don't even exercise that much. It's like watching a self destructive cycle of nothingness.
I just didn't understand. Yes school was important, I would never deny such a thing, but why? Why not do extra things? It's not like I like talking to people that much aside from my close friends, but even without them I would be going out everyday, exploring the place around me, going to parks, finding a hobby or- or something.
I was jealous of them. But, whatever.
It's just a dream.
I'm feeling a little jaded because Grammy isn't doing too well right now. She's sick. Hope she gets better soon.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself.
Natasha said that she often dreams of a life where she could help more people, or maybe a world where such sickness and harm didn't befall others so often. I can find myself agreeing with that, even if ultimately I don't care about strangers.
I just… didn't like seeing people get hurt. Their opinions, personalities, life story. All that junk I could hardly care less about for strangers. Friends? Sure. But nameless people that I never get a chance to understand? I don't care. I just don't want them to get hurt.
Why then, is my dream self so similar?
I don't think I like her.
I hope Grammy gets better.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself.
Grammy is gone. I expected that to happen but I'm still sad. I cried at the funeral. I can't remember the last time I cried. Not even when I broke up with my ex did I cry.
But, as much as I lamented the passing of my only family, she did tell me something that made me feel sick.
She told me that my dreams were real. She wasn't even sure of what they were, as I never told her, but she told me they were real. And that she too once had dreams like mine.
What did that mean? She dreamt of herself in another world? That was supposed to be real?
…The name Fuli came up as I searched through her belongings. It's an Aeon similar to the one that Belobog worships.
I don't know what to think. My head is spinning.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself.
Fuli, the Remembrance. It deals with memories. But why then, do I dream about myself in another world? Is it some sort of method of communication? Or- Or- what-. Is what I'm seeing my past life or something?
That didn't feel right. It didn't sound right at all.
If Record-Keepers are some sort of weird… fanatics of Fuli, then what the fuck am I?
Are these memories? Or am I seeing someone else's life? Or- maybe- these are someone else's memories.
Maybe these are the memories of a Zenith from another world, all shown to me as I dream.
Then what, what's the purpose? Why am I being shown them? Was I just born to a family of purposeless cultists dedicated to worshipping Fuli? Maybe a few hundred years ago it was a big thing, but I have no idea what it means now.
It's not fair. Powers? Aeons? Paths? I was just a normal girl, yet every single day I find myself dreaming about a life that I could have. One where I was free from this frozen hell.
I wanted it for myself. I wanted it so badly that I can feel myself being consumed by it.
My head hurts. I just want to sleep the days away.
If I had one wish, maybe it would be to swap places with myself.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself. I think that's how I'm supposed to start it.
It's been a long time since I've written in this. I'm 23 now. I was… what, 21 when I last wrote in here?
I came back to write in here because I've discovered something. I've been doing experiments on the side and my dreams have been erratic.
Firstly, my experiments. Being a pathstrider, as I've found out that it's called (why did I never bother to learn about this stuff earlier? Never applied to me, so why would I care?) means I can pull upon Fuli's powers a bit. And since I'm a pathstrider of Remembrance. That means I can pull upon people's memories.
It took me a long time to figure it out, but basically there's a whole assortment of strings in people's consciousness. Some of these strings are tangible and some of them are faded. But all of them can be interacted with. The faded ones are things that people have forgotten, for example I made Geralt remember his daughter that he forgot in his old age.
It was fucked up, and I'm skirting serious ethical concerns, but I have people's consent to do this. But I-... I've never seen Viviana be that happy before.
Anyways, I simply have to hold onto someone and concentrate really hard on looking for those strings. They're all over people's bodies and some of them are concentrated in different places. For example, lots of people have happy memories related to their five senses, so their hands, eyes, mouth, nose, or ears are all where lots of strings are focused on. But sometimes other places have strings as well.
It's a little difficult to describe. But that's the gist of it. I'm going to try it on myself in a bit.
As for my dreams… It's like I can connect with people. I had a dream about Lynx and we discussed a few things, mostly about Pela. But when I brought it up to Lynx she said we talked about that an entire month ago.
Which was impossible. I didn't go to the surface for at least two months because I was busy with clinic shifts.
So what did it mean?
I'm… not entirely sure. But if I'm connecting to other people during my dreams and manipulating their memories into thinking we had a conversation…
…Well I don't need to go onto that topic. I'm sure it'll be fine. I wasn't sure what to think about that anyways, I was tangible in my dream. This is something that needs to be looked into more, but actually getting dreams about others is pretty rare nowadays.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself.
I hate her so much. I hate that stupid annoying clone of me so much. She had everything anyone could ever ask for yet all she does is stew in her room until she rots. Useless. I hate her. I hate dreaming about her. I hate that she takes everything for granted.
People are like pawns to her. She barely cares about any of them. At least I care for my friends, but she doesn't even have any that she could call friends. She messages them, talks with them, not even really caring about their opinions.
I hate Zenith.
I could do a much better job in her place.
The more I pull on my own strings, even the faded ones, the more I realize how much we share in common. She isn't just a clone of me. She is me. Despite the literal world of difference between us, she's somehow similar in almost every way.
What did this mean? That nurture is just a sham? That nature prevails over all? That I was born to be like this?
I'm going to vomit.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself.
Finished 'Like Fading Stardust'. Took me a few years but I think it came out good.
My motivation skyrocketed when I realized that Zenith was trying to create a novel as well. Lazy, ungrateful, good for nothing like her would never be able to accomplish anything.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself.
What if I could swap with her? What if there was a way?
I keep pulling and pulling on this one faded string. It's untangling and bringing back memories I never even knew I had. But it's getting muddled, like I'm trying to swim through some big body of water that's so murky I can't even see an inch in front of me.
But then I got to something weird. I got to a memory that wasn't mine. It couldn't be mine. In fact, I knew it wasn't mine because I had witnessed it before. It was a breakup, my breakup, but in another world.
It was Zenith's breakup.
What would happen if I kept pulling on this string? It's not a quick process. Just getting this far had taken me a few months. My ability to keep a consistent schedule in writing in here is lacking.
I'll see what I can do.
-Zenith.
Dear Myself.
When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake. With insomnia, nothing's real. Everything is far away. Everything is a copy of a copy of a copy.
That's why I'll rise above just being a copy.
'Honkai Star Rail?'
Is that all my life was? A game? Or perhaps someone knew of my world and created something similar in her world.
I'm never asleep. I'm never awake. Everything is a blurred echo that I stumble through.
I can feel it though. I'm getting close. The more I pull on these strings the more it untangles and the more I realize there's a connection with me and myself. After all… maybe these powers of mine weren't that impressive. It's not like I can manipulate someone's memory beyond makes them remember things. I've tried. But did that apply to myself?
If I untrangled these strings enough, immersed myself in the other Zenith. Where did I end and she begin?
Or-
Perhaps-
Could I swap the strings?
-Zenith.
Dear Zenith.
I'm going to swap them.
I'm not sure if you're reading this, or if I've failed. But if there aren't any entries past this point…
Well, hello there.
I'd say sorry, but you've wasted your life doing nothing. You have so much freedom at your fingertips, at your leisure, yet you spend it locked in a cage of your own establishment.
There's a good chance that we'll both stumble upon our respective lives, in nothing but a blurry haze until the strings fully swap. I'm not even sure what it means for our bodies when they do swap. Maybe our bodies will swap too?
I doubt it, but mind over matter is what they always say.
I wonder if you'll have my memories, just as I have yours.
Hmm. That would be a problem. Can't have you pulling the same thing. I guess I'll cut the string that tethers us as soon as I swap.
See you never, Zenith.
-Zenith.
Start: May 26th. 2024.
End: June 9th. 2024.
Words: 3223
Sorry this took me a while. I wrote 25k words of Robifly in like 5 days and got burnt out of writing for a week lol. Everyone should check that out btw. 'My Heart, Your Wings' is what it's called.
Each chapter has a theme to it, this one is Self-Hatred. Next chapter will be sometime on the weekend.