She was meeting Derek for coffee today, her shift finished at 12pm and she was getting ready to leave. Her anxiety was a lot worse today and she couldn't seem to settle it, she popped two of her anxiety pills and took them with some water.
Meredith knew that Derek would want to see Ellyse but she wouldn't let that happen until they were on good terms, she wouldn't put her daughter through watching her parents fight, she had been through it herself and couldn't do that to a child. At 23 years old she understood the rights and wrongs of parenthood, and she figured it out all on her own.
She made her way down to the kitchen where Scott was cleaning the counter.
"Hey you." He said as he looked up.
"Hey." She said quietly.
"You good?" He frowned.
"I um, I'm meeting with Derek in half an hour." She said looking down at the counter.
"Oh." He nodded.
"I don't know what happened between you two Mer but I don't like the idea of you being alone with him, he got pretty angry the other day."
"Derek gets angry but he would never get violent." She said shaking her head.
"I'm just worried for you Mer, your anxiety has been bad this last week and I don't think it's a coincidence."
"I don't think it is either but I need to do this, he's Ell's father, Scott." She pulled on her fingers, a habit she'd picked up when she was anxious.
Scott noticed her fingers and walked over, he took her hands in his and looked into her eyes.
"Mer, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Im here for Ell and have been when he wasn't." He smiled.
She knew what he was saying was right but things were different, Derek wasn't there because she hadn't given him the chance to be there it wasn't as if he just abandoned them. Scott sounded jealous, which was crazy because this wasn't about Meredith, it was about Ellyse, who deserved to know her father.
"I know but she should get a chance to know her father." She told him.
"And what about me?" He snapped, he was clearly hurt.
"What about you?" She frowned, removing her hands from his.
"Your just going to go and make up with him, bring him into Ell's life and then what? Get rid of me because you have decided that you don't need me anymore?"
"Scott, no. No. Me and Derek, we're over. There's too much water under the thing or whatever, I'm doing this for Ellyse and Ellyse only." She assured him.
"I know how this works Meredith, I've seen it before." He shook his head as he turned around back to the kitchen.
"Scott, don't walk away please. I promise you, we'll be fine." She smiled.
He took a minute to watch her face, she didn't appear to be lying, she really did believe that they would be fine.
"Okay." He breathed.
"I'm sorry if I overreacted, I just can't lose you." He sighed.
"And you won't." She hugged him.
She broke away from him a few moments later, "I have to go."
"Okay. Call me if you need anything Mer." He kissed her.
"I will, I love you." She said as she grabbed her bag.
"I love you too Mer." He smiled watching her leave.
He was late, they were supposed to meet at 2 and it was now 2:13. Meredith sat there wondering if he was just playing her, if anything really had changed since they were 18. She could handle him playing her but she wouldn't let it happen to her daughter, not when she had been through so much to protect her from hurt.
Her hands cradled the cup of herbal tea sat in front of her on the table and her eyes were trained on the steam that left the mug, she didn't even hear the bell on the door ring when it opened. Derek watched her from the door, she looked lost in thought, like physically she was there but mentally she was somewhere else.
She was still as beautiful as ever, her blonde hair resting just below her shoulders and her bangs framing her face, he could see a silver watch capturing her wrist and looked up to see her eyes looking back at him. He walked over.
"Hi." He said.
"Your late." Meredith sighed.
"I know, I'm sorry. I had stuff to finish." Meredith just nodded. The silence between them was awkward.
He quickly ordered a cup of coffee and the waiter brought it over straight away.
"This is awkward." She said taking a sip of her tea.
"Yeah." Derek breathed.
"I don't know what to say to you anymore but I don't want to fight, I know that we have stuff to work out but I really don't want to fight with you." She said as she looked at him.
"I don't want that either Meredith but what more do you expect after what you did?"
"I'm sorry for that Derek, really I am sorry but your hurt me badly, you made me feel worthless. I couldn't stand around and wait for more hurt to happen, I did what I needed to do for myself at the time and I don't regret it because I put myself first."
"I know that I hurt you and I tried my hardest to make it up to you, you know that I did, you just didn't want to hear it." He sighed.
"I listened to you Derek, you came to my house and I listened to you, it just wasn't enough. What you said wasn't enough for me to forgive you."
"Well then what more did you want from me Meredith? I said all I could to you, I shared every feeling and thought I had with you and sat there in front of me knowing you were leaving and didn't say a word. How could you do that?"
Tears welled up in her eyes when she realised just how much he was hurting, he had missed out on so much and maybe things would have worked out if she had stayed.
"I don't- I needed space, time, time away from you and everyone else. I became a shell of the person I was with you and I hated that." She admitted.
"What do you mean you became a shell of the person?" He asked.
"After what happened, I fell apart. My mom hates me Derek, she tried to talk me out of leaving and we got into a big fight, I said some horrible things to her and we haven't spoken since. I didn't even recognise myself." A tear rolled down her cheek.
"I know, I spoke to your mom when you left. I came to talk to you and she told me you'd left."
"I told her to not tell you where I was, I basically threatened my own mother."
"Well she didn't tell me where you was, and I did try and find you Mer." He admitted.
"You did?" She gasped.
"Yeah. I find your new Instagram page and tried to contact you but you blocked my account, you blocked everyone."
"I'm so sorry." She cried.
He watched her cry for a few moments, he was glad that the coffee shop wasn't busy apart from the two other couples there. His heart still ached when he watched her cry, it was like nothing had happened between them. He wanted to forgive her so badly, be the bigger person but he just wasn't sure he could commit to it but he had to try.
"I can forgive you Meredith, I can try to forgive you." He watched her look at him.
"What I did was unforgivable, you don't have to pity me Derek." She sniffled.
"I can try. I want to try." He reached for her hand on the table.
"Tell me about her." He asked quietly.
Meredith knew he was asking about his daughter and was internally grateful that he wanted to know Ellyse despite what she herself had done to him. It wasn't Ellyse's fault but she was afraid Derek would resent the bond that he didn't have with her.
"She's- I, I don't know, what do you want to know?" She asked hesitantly as she dried her tears.
"What's she like? I just want a chance to know her Meredith, that's all I'm asking." He softly smiled.
"Well she's 5. She loves green and pink, she's about the start taking ballet classes. I had her at 38 weeks, emergency c-section, her birthday is October-"
"Wait, emergency c-section?" He sat up.
"Yeah." She said quietly.
"What happened?" He asked his face twitched with concern.
"Pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure shot up too high and I collapsed." She told him.
"Meredith. Was you on your own?" He breathed.
"No. I had Alex." She smiled.
"Alex?"
"He's my best friend. We met in college." She smiled awkwardly.
"Ah." He sighed.
"So, Ell's birthday is October 21st 2017. She weighed 6lb 9oz, a perfectly healthy baby." Meredith smiled as she remembered meeting her daughter for the first time.
"She sounds great." Derek said sadly as his fingers played with his coffee cup.
"Does she know about me?" He asked quietly, he wasn't even sure if he wanted the answer.
"I told her that you work away but you love her very much. She knows about you Derek, I've showed her pictures of you." She nodded.
"Good, good." He breathed.
"So, what's your life like?" She asked, it was becoming less awkward by the minutes.
"Well I'm about the start my internship at Mount Sinai, Addie and Mark too."
"I'm a second year resident there." She smiled awkwardly.
He nodded his head before continuing.
"Me and Addie have an apartment just on the outskirts of the city, it's pretty great. Of course, ma's not too happy that I moved all this way but I talk to her everyday, I think she just misses all the cooking she had to do for us." He joked.
"Your moms cooking was the best." She giggled.
"Yeah, it's pretty amazing." He laughed.
"So, you and Addie? As in Addison Addison?" She breathed.
"Yeah. We got starting dating when we were sophomores in college." He admitted breaking eye contact with her soon after.
"That's great Derek." She said.
She couldn't help but notice a small part of jealously in her, she was jealous that he had a girlfriend but she didn't understand it. She had Scott, of course he would have moved on too.
"You have a boyfriend now too?" Derek questioned, he knew she did because he had saw them together yesterday.
"Yeah, Scott. He's a lawyer, he's great." She smiled looking at her cup.
"And Ellyse likes him?" He asked.
"She loves him yeah, he's great with her."
She watched Derek's face drop slowly, pain and hurt replacing the awkwardness. She realised why that was, he was hearing her talk about how their daughter loved another man.
"I'm sorry Derek, I didn't mean.." she quickly said.
"It's fine." He smiled, "can I meet her?" he asked after a short pause.
"I-yea- of course you can." She grabbed his hand and smiled.
"I know you probably don't trust me to be alone with her but can it just be us, I don't want him there too." He asked, it sounded rough but his eyes were asking politely.
"I get that Der. We can sort something out, I would love for you to get to know her, she's just amazing." Meredith smiled.
"I was meaning to ask you but I just didn't I guess. That boy, the little boy yesterday, is he yours?" She asked looking into his eyes.
"Ethan? No, no, he's Marks." He shook his head.
"Oh." She nodded.
"Marks?" Meredith giggled.
"Yeah, I know right." He laughed.
"I didn't see that one coming." She shook her head and laughed.