Since Meredith had been discharged from the hospital a little under a week ago, she had really been struggling and she wasn't convinced that anyone had even noticed. She nibbled on small amount of food here and there but most of her consumption was coffee to cover up for the sleep she was missing out on, she was at the point where she was afraid to go to sleep in case she didn't wake up in time and had to relive the nightmare all over again.
Everyone had been super supportive and Ellis and Carolyn had decided to stick around for a little while, Carolyn staying in a hotel close by to her apartment. It was currently 3:43am and Meredith sat alone in her kitchen, a hot cup of coffee glued to her hands as she read the same book she'd been reading since she was discharged. This was her life now and she hated it.
Her eyes were stinging and the coffee burnt her tongue as she sipped it but she didn't mind, the pain felt good to her and the hum from the tv comforted her in the dark. She wanted to shower because she felt dirty, every second of every day she felt dirty like she had been branded and categorised into a number, a number that you read about in statistics, a number that you as well as prayer and hope, never expect to become. She was a victim, she knew that, she didn't want to be but she was and that was stuck to her for life like a bag of damaged goods.
Her fingernails found a comfort in scratching the wood clippings on the table where she sat and Ellis had noticed, or she had noticed in the 10 minutes she had spent silently watching her daughter. She was at a loss and she didn't know what to do because the woman sat in front of her wasn't her daughter or at least she wasn't the girl she remembered, she had expected change but not because of an event like this. Meredith was strong, she always had been, ever since she was a child she was a force of nature and deep down she still was that girl somewhere, she just needed to find her again.
"Meredith?" Ellis stepped out of the darkness so Meredith could see her.
She jumped, "You scared me. What are you doing up?"
"What are you doing up?" Ellis responded with the same question.
"I'm reading." she gestured her book.
"You're not. I've been stood there for the last ten minutes and not once has the page turned." she stated taking the seat next to her.
"Oh." Meredith frowned at the book.
"Do you want some coffee?" she put the book down and got up to get another cup.
"Coffee? Is that why you can't sleep?" Ellis watched her closely.
"I can sleep."
"You can't Mer, you haven't slept in days, your bed is untouched."
"I don't know what you're talking about, I sleep fine." she avoided her eyes.
"Let me help you Mer." Ellis pulled her gently.
"No! Get off of me!" she instantly got scared and Ellis backed away quickly.
"Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." she apologised.
Meredith was breathing quickly, her hands shaking as she analysed her mother who stood in front of her watching her closely. She saw the concerned look painted on her face and felt like she was in the hospital all over again, receiving sympathy looks from people she passed everyday. She couldn't take it anymore and she turned her back to her mother.
"I can't." Meredith said quietly, hoping that Ellis hadn't heard her.
"Meredith?"
"I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes I see him, and I can feel his breath down my ear, and his cold hands along my stomach. I feel dirty like I can't get rid of him." she admitted.
"I know that you're scared Meredith but you'll get through this, I promise you will and I'm going to be here with you for every minute of it." she assured.
Meredith yawned reluctantly and the stinging that she felt in her eyes was overpowering her, she turned back around to face her mom.
"Meredith I don't want to make you do anything you don't want too but I think you should talk to someone, whether its me, Derek, Carolyn or possibly a therapist. You're exhausted and you're so scared that you're putting your health in danger, your daughter needs you Mer, she needs her mom not a mask she puts on for her." Ellis said sadly.
Meredith listened to what she said. She was right and she knew that she was, she wanted to get better, she didn't want to live in this constant fear but right now she didn't see a way out and talking about it means re-living it and she didn't see that as her pathway out.
"I can't talk about it." she whispered.
"You need to Mer, I know you don't think it but it will help."
"I don't think it will."
"It will." Ellis breathed. What she was about to say Meredith knew nothing about, she never wanted her to know but she didn't want her daughter to feel alone.
"I've never told you this before but I was in therapy when you were younger. Your father, he used to hit me and I know it's not the same as what your going through but I didn't think talking about it would help, but I went to therapy after he left and I talked about it and it worked Mer, it helped. I don't know why it did but it did and I need you to try it, we all need you to try it because it is breaking us all watching you suffer so much. It's not your fault Mer and I don't think you believe that."
"I'm sorry, I can't believe he did that to you?" a tear fell down Meredith's cheek.
"Do you think it's my fault?" Ellis asked. Generally, she wasn't a fan of reverse psychology but she needed her daughter to see this for herself.
"Of course not." Meredith frowned sadly.
"So why do you believe what that man did to you is your fault?"
Meredith thought for a minute.
"Because I was drunk and I had my purple dress on. That man was trying to help me as I fell and I hit him, he was just getting me back." she said like she really believed it. Ellis wasn't expecting such an answer.
"Meredith, no means no. It doesn't matter whether you had a dress on or whether you were walking around in your underwear, you have the right to say no. Secondly, that man knew what he was going to do when he approached you and that's why he 'helped' you, that wasn't help Meredith, that was manipulation. And finally, if you were drunk you aren't legally able to consent all together. It wasn't your fault."
"But-"
"But nothing, you did nothing wrong."
Meredith didn't reply, what her mother said made sense. She thought about her words as she stifled another yawn.
"Come on, let's go to bed, you're exhausted." Ellis told her.
Meredith hugged her mom and walked to her bedroom.
"Can you stay with me?" she asked as she laid down.
"I can." Ellis nodded.
"Okay, Meredith were going to begin the kit now. You can tell me to stop at any point and I will immediately, we're going at your control." the doctor told her as she sat between her legs.
Meredith nodded silently as more tears flooded down her face.
They soon began the kit and Meredith sobbed through it, no one was with her, she was completely alone reliving her worst nightmare.
"No, stop, stop, please stop." Meredith began to move around.
Just like she said, the doctor stopped straight away and smiled at her warmly.
"You're doing great. You got this." she supported.
"Carolyn." Meredith stuttered as she watched Carolyn walk past the tinted windows that you could see out of but couldn't see in.
"Do you want me to get Carolyn?" Addison asked as she sealed a sample into a plastic bag.
With one nod from Meredith she swiftly exited the room before returning back with Carolyn.
"Oh Mer." she sighed as she walked over and took her in her arms. The tear stains on her cheeks hurt to see, she was terrified.
"Im so scared." Meredith admitted.
"I know honey but they're not going to hurt you, they're helping you."
"I know." Meredith cried.
"Meredith, if you don't want to do this, I can stop. You're in control." the doctor cleared her throat.
Meredith didn't reply for a few moments.
"I want to do this, I need to do this but I still see him." she hiccuped.
"You're so brave Mer, we're going to find this man and he's going to pay. We're all on your side." Carolyn encouraged her and Meredith nodded.
"Do you want to continue Meredith?" the doctor asked and she nodded, "Okay, I'm going to begin again."
Through Meredith's flinches and cries the exam was over and any evidence that was present had been collected. It was done but still Meredith was hyperventilating becoming overwhelmed.
"Meredith." Carolyn said.
"Meredith?"
"Meredith!"
"Meredith! Wake up!" Ellis woke her up and she sat up struggling to breathe.
"You're okay Mer. You're safe." she comforted her and handed her the bottle of water next to her bed which she took.
"C-can you get my me-meds, anxiety meds, they're I-in the dr-drawer." Meredith breathed.
"I got it." Ellis said as she found the bottle in the drawer and gave Meredith two.