Chapter 11
Buck didn't sleep a wink all night. As soon as the sun appeared clear on the horizon and it seemed like a good time to go to Sweet Feather's tent, where Rachel and Lou were also staying, while Red Bear had moved with his son somewhere else so as not to offend Bea's sensitivity, he went to them.
Sweet Feather welcomed him with a warm hug and told him that Bea had woken up crying several times during the night and Rachel and Lou's words had been of no avail. At that moment she was resting a little but could come in so as to be present when she woke up.
When he was inside, Buck felt a pang in his heart, as if someone were ripping it out of his chest. Lou and Rachel met him and hugged him and asked him how he was.
"I have been robbed of a part of my heart and the hardest part is yet to come. How is she?"
"She's destroyed. When she woke up I tried to console her but it didn't help, I feel so helpless", Lou said.
Buck caressed her cheek and thanked her, then approached Bea and sat next to her waiting for her to wake up. He had no idea what he would say to her or how she would react but he was terrified of seeing the accusation etched in her green eyes.
Lou, Rachel and Sweet Feather exited the teepee and joined the others to allow Bea and Buck to face their grief together.
About half an hour later, Bea stirred and opened her eyes. She struggled to focus a little, but when she saw that Buck was next to her, she jumped up.
"Easy darling, you have to move carefully", he told her softly but avoiding looking her straight in the eyes.
She noticed his gaze escape his eyes and her heart tightened: he couldn't even hold her gaze, she thought to herself.
She gathered courage and asked him: "How are you Buck? They told me they tortured you. Look what they've done to you!"
"I'm fine honey, don't worry about my injuries. How are you? Does it hurt a lot?", he asked.
Bea burst into tears, hugged him and said: "Oh Buck, I'm sorry, what have I done! Can you ever forgive me for killing our son?" and clung to him.
Buck's heart broke seeing her in that condition. Did she ask him for forgiveness? It was his fault alone, she had nothing to do with it, but he couldn't bring hisself to tell her.
He simply held her tightly and replied: "They said it would happen anyway, it wasn't meant to be. You have to try to recover now."
Not hearing words of forgiveness from Buck's mouth strengthened her even more in her belief that he held her responsible and a rift began to arise between them that was destined to widen more and more. They remained in silence, hugging each other for a while, then she asked him: "Take me home please."
"I don't know if you can still travel, I have to consult the medicine man first. When we get home we will go to the doctor and see what he tells us. The medicine man says you will recover completely physically, you don't have to worry about that."
Bea understood those words as if he wanted to have another child to erase the memory of this tragedy, but would she ever have the strength to face pregnancy again? And would he ever forgive her completely? How could they get married and move forward as everyone told her if he no longer trusted her?
At lunchtime, Rachel and Lou came in to bring them both something to eat and informed them that the boys and Teaspoon would like to go and say hello.
"I don't want to see anyone, I apologize to them. I just want to go home", she replied.
Buck told her: "I'm going to the medicine man and ask him if he can come and look at you and when you can travel. Don't get tired, please. I love you"
"Thank you. I love you too", but again they didn't look each other in the eyes.
"Buck, aren't you eating?" Rachel asked.
"When I come back, I'm not hungry now"
Lou and Rachel realized there was tension between them. Lou asked Bea: "How did it go with Buck?"
"It was very sweet, but there is some frost between us", Bea replied.
"It's natural darling, you have suffered a huge loss, it takes time."
Bea nodded but wasn't convinced at all.
Buck returned shortly after with the medicine man who examined Bea and told her that lying on a wagon, if she wanted and felt up to it, she could go home the next day too.
"Please, yes, I want to go home." Buck nodded.
During the day Red Bear also went to visit her and Bea convinced herself to see Teaspoon and the boys too. Everyone tried to reassure her that together she and Buck would get through this terrible moment.
That night Buck slept next to Bea but the two hardly spoke at all. Buck held her close and said: "Always remember that I love you, whatever happens and whatever happens between us"
"I love you too, despite everything."
They both knew they weren't lying about this, but neither was convinced their story would survive this tragedy.
The next morning, Bea was placed in the carriage with which she had reached the camp. Rachel positioned herself next to her and Buck led the horses.
They returned to the station and Rachel and Lou helped Bea get settled into her room. Ike went to warn Annie of their return and the girl wanted to go to Bea immediately.
"Can I?", she asked shyly when she arrived in her room. Buck was there with her. He had decided to stay by her side until she was fully recovered and then he would decide what to do, he felt it was necessary to leave her free.
"Come on Annie, come in", Buck replied.
"I'll leave you alone for a bit, I'll go make you some hot herbal tea", he added.
"Thanks Buck", she replied.
"How are you dear?" asked Annie.
"As if a herd of buffalo had run over me"
"You have to be strong, we are all here for you. You will see that the pain will gradually ease, even if it will probably never disappear completely, and then you will smile again. You and Buck will get married and start over."
"I don't know Annie, I don't know anything anymore. It hurts so much"
"I can't even imagine how much, but we are all here to help you"
"Thank you" and the two women hugged each other.
A few days passed. Bea recovered physically but her will to live was extinguished. Buck had healed from his wounds but he was still dark, he seemed to be the same closed and grumpy boy from the early days again. Friends stood by them, but nothing could bring a smile to their faces. Bea hadn't wanted to say anything about the baby either to her parents or to her aunt Rose. Lou had informed Emma and Sam that they had written her and Buck a very touching letter and Emma had said that if Bea needed her, she would not hesitate to reach her before the wedding.
Yes, the wedding. Nobody talked about it anymore, the house was still where they had left it before Buck was taken prisoner. It was as if life had stopped there.
Buck and Bea hardly spoke to each other anymore, just pleasantries and they didn't even know if they were still together or not. The situation had become untenable at the station. Teaspoon had tried to talk to them both but Buck was convinced that she held him responsible and Bea equally responsible. Everyone's reassurances were of no use and the opinion of the doctor who had examined Bea and who had confirmed that she would lose the baby anyway was of no use.
Bea felt like she was dying. She wanted to hold Buck tightly to her and go back to feeling that sense of protection and unconditional love that she had always felt in his arms, but she didn't dare. She couldn't breathe when she thought about what she had lost and Buck also became almost violent when he thought about what they had had and which he now saw so far away.
One day Buck was sent as a scout to help the army bring back to the city some white hostages held captive in a Lakota camp. He learned that Thompkins' wife and daughter were among them.
Buck took the story of Jenny, Thompkins and Sally's daughter, to heart and almost seemed to find his smile again. Jenny and her mother went to stay at the station for a while because Thompkins didn't want to take them back into the house, since Sally had had a child with the Lakota chief. Buck spent a lot of time with Jenny and this caused Bea even more pain. She knew the time had come to let him go for good. With her he could find the serenity that the two of them had lost.
Unfortunately the situation degenerated and Sally was killed in the Lakota camp by Black Wolf, Jenny's betrothed, with whom Buck had fought to free her from the promise of marriage after he had killed some of the girl's friends, convinced that they were taking her away from lakota.
Bea interpreted this as a sign and one evening she decided to talk to him.
"Buck, can we talk for a moment?"
He nodded and followed her onto the porch.
"Things between us are no longer right. If you want to woo Jenny, feel free to do so"
He replied: "So there is no future for us?"
She didn't answer him and lowered her eyes. After a moment she added: "I will write to my parents to tell them that the wedding will not take place". She took off the ring and gave it back to him.
"If that's what you want…". He took the ring back and left so she wouldn't see that his eyes were wet.
Bea lost her breath and had to hold on to keep from falling to the ground. He hadn't denied that things were over.
A few days later, Jenny decided to leave to make a new life away from her father, but before leaving she told Buck: "Fight for her, don't be silly."
Buck didn't answer and waved at her.
He needed to think. He asked Teaspoon to have a few days off and told him that they had decided to cancel the wedding, but had planned to announce it after Jenny's departure.
Teaspoon told him: "You are doing everything wrong son, go and clarify within yourself"
Buck went to Bea and told her to wait a few more days to write the letter and not to say anything yet. Before finally putting an end to their relationship, he needed to pray. She nodded and wished him good luck.
Buck went to the prairie, prayed for a whole day but found no answers to his questions. He then decided to build a sweat lodge and ask the spirits for answers. He fasted, purified himself, and then performed the ritual: spirits appeared to him and he saw his life with Bea, but not in Sweetwater.
At the time he did not understand the meaning of the vision, but when he returned to the city, he went to speak first of all with Teaspoon and learned that Kid and Jimmy had been sent to Rock Creek to rebuild a station that had been burned by antislavery men. Then he understood: it was a sign, he and Bea were destined to be together, but not in Sweetwater.
"So son, have you read your heart?" Teaspoon asked him.
"Yes: I have to talk to Bea and beg her forgiveness. If she forgives me, we will get married and together we will overcome the tragedy we have experienced, but not here."
"What do you want to say?"
"I saw our life together but not in Sweetwater. Now that you told me about Rock Creek station I understand: our life will be there"
"And the house you are building? Is it your job? Do you want to leave us?"
"No Teaspoon, I don't want to leave you. Think about it: with the war getting ever closer, wouldn't it be convenient for everyone to move to a bigger city than this one and in a better location? We could take advantage of the fact that Rock Creek no longer has couriers. As for the house, we could sell it and build or buy another one in Rock Creek."
"Do you know that maybe you're not wrong? Let's do like this! You talk to Bea, I have to reach Kid and Jimmy and I will evaluate your proposal. Come on son!" and hugged him.
Buck went to the station and as soon as he arrived, Ike met him.
+ So? What have you decided?+
"I have to talk to her. Let the others know that I'm back and thank you for replacing me these days"
Ike patted him on the shoulder.
Buck went to Bea's house, knocked on the door and Rachel opened it for him.
"Buck, are you back? How are you?"
"Better Rachel, thanks. I have to see Bea"
"She's in her room getting some rest"
"She does not feel good?"
"Physically yes, but she is destroyed because she is convinced that she has lost you forever"
Buck didn't answer and went upstairs.
He knocked on the door and Bea answered in a faint voice: "It's open"
Buck walked in and she gasped. She was reading a book that fell off the bed she was lying on.
"How are you?" he asked her.
"I'll survive", she replied, her eyes dead.
Buck felt like he was dying: where were those eyes full of life that he loved so much?
"Beatrice, we have to talk, but this time we have to honor the promise we made to each other on our first night together in the hotel: we have to tell each other everything that's in our hearts, without secrets, even if it hurts"
She nodded.
"I love you more than my life and I can't live like this anymore. I miss you, I miss what we built, I miss our plans for the future. I know the doctor said the baby would have died anyway, but I know it's my fault."
Bea jumped hearing these words and tried to interrupt him: "No Buck..."
"Let me talk please, then I will listen to you"
Bea nodded.
"It's my fault because I agreed to help my brother's tribe and got involved again in the affairs between whites and Indians. My dual nature leads me to always find myself in these dangerous situations and our son was involved. Maybe I don't have the right to ask you and I don't have the right to involve you in my crazy life again, but I need you and your forgiveness. I swear to you that if you give me another chance I will live as a white man forever and will no longer get involved in affairs that have to do with Indian tribes. Please forgive me"
"Buck, I…"
"I beg you" and he threw himself on his knees in front of her bed.
"Buck please stand up. I don't have to forgive you anything because it's not your fault. I don't want you to change and give up your Indian nature. I love you for your character, for your commitment, for your dual nature. I don't want you to change a thing about who you are. It was my fault: everyone warned me that I shouldn't go to your brother, but I was stubborn and our child paid the consequences. I can no longer look you in the eyes due to the shame and remorse I feel. I love you to death and I can't think of my life without you, but I have to let you go if you can't forgive me."
Buck took her hands after getting up and sitting next to her and said: "Again a big misunderstanding divided us: I was convinced that you couldn't forgive me and you thought the same. Maybe we should take into consideration the fact that the doctor is right, it's no one's fault if our baby didn't make it."
Bea replied: "Are you really convinced?"
" Now yes. I prayed to the spirits and sought my vision. I saw our future together, but not here."
"What do you want to say?"
"This city made us meet and fall in love, but it caused us a lot of suffering. Let's move to Rock Creek. I spoke to Teaspoon and proposed moving the station there given the latest events. He replied that if he went to join Kid and Jimmy he would look into it. I know we were building our house here, but we can sell it and start a life together elsewhere trying to forget the suffering, even if that child will always be part of us. What do you say?"
"I don't know, you catch me so off guard!"
"Please say yes, we need a new perspective to start again"
Bea smiled brightly, like she hadn't done in a long time, and Buck's heart warmed.
"At that time?"
"All right"
Buck hugged her and kissed her. She was frozen at first, but then she felt the warmth of Buck's lips and melted into a kiss they had both wanted for so long.
"There's one more thing I have to do", he told her.
"What?" she asked curiously.
Buck took the ring he had given her and that she had returned to him from his pocket, knelt down and asked her: "Beatrice, do you want to become my wife despite everything?"
Bea felt the tears fall on her face and invaded by a joy that she hadn't felt for a long time and that she didn't think she would feel anymore, she replied: "Yes my love, yes"
Buck put the ring on her finger and kissed her. Bea pulled him into bed and unbuttoned his shirt.
"Are you sure? Are you ready?"
"I want you so much and the doctor said I can start having intercourse again when I'm ready and I am"
Buck laid her down gently, began to undress her slowly and let himself be undressed by her. He caressed her all over her body and she moaned under his touch. How much she had missed all this. Buck started kissing her from the neck and already went down to her intimacy, immersed his head between her legs and sent her to Heaven. She held his hair tightly and let herself be pampered as only he could do. When she had reached extreme pleasure, Buck penetrated her gently and together they pushed beyond the limits of human consciousness.
They collapsed on top of each other and swore eternal love to each other.
They dressed for fear that someone would come in, even though they knew that everyone wanted to give them all the time they needed.
"Are you determined to go to Rock Creek to live and work then?" she asked him.
"I think it's the best solution, but I want to wait for Teaspoon to come back"
"But how will I notify my parents? They'll already be on their way to Sweetwater, we can't get married in Rock Creek."
"We could get married here, live in a hotel until we move and in the meantime we could go and look for a house there"
" It can be done. Do you want to talk about it with the boys?"
"I would say yes, so we will also hear their opinion"
"Let's immediately let them know that we are back together, who knows how happy they will be, it was a difficult period for them too"
They cleaned up and went into the bunkhouse, hand in hand. When they entered, there was a dead silence, they didn't know what to expect, but when they saw that their hands were intertwined, Lou asked: "Are you back together?"
They nodded and Noah almost shouted, "God be praised! We are so happy for you!"
Rachel, Lou and Annie, who was there with them, both hugged. Buck explained to them that they had convinced each other that they were responsible for the child's death and that they had stopped talking to each other, but now they had clarified with an open heart and had resolved all their misunderstandings. He explained his intentions and the boys admitted that it could be a solution that worked for everyone.
They decided that they would talk about it when Kid, Jimmy, Teaspoon and Cody who had accompanied the marshal, returned.
Buck announced that he was taking Bea out to dinner that evening and that they didn't have to wait for them.
They returned to the place where they had had dinner the evening he had proposed to her and she had told him she was pregnant, they wanted to move on and start again from there.
They were both ready to start again, stronger than before because together and aware of their indelible love.