Branch didn't like being angry. He tried really hard to not be a mad and bitter troll, but it was so hard. He'd faced a lot of hurt and rejection in his life, and at a young age he had learned that it hurt a lot less to push others away before they could leave you. At least, he thought it hurt less. But it made for a lonely existence where he still resented others for not trying harder to force him to join them, and he resented himself for taking his own issues out on others.
Poppy had helped him a lot to put his walls down and not use his anger as much. It was still there, simmering under the surface, just waiting for him to unleash it to protect himself and those he cared about. But now it was reserved for real threats, not just potential friends that he was scared of letting in.
But she wasn't there right now, and Branch had far too many things to be angry about. He couldn't keep it all down. He was mad at John Dory, just because he was John Dory. He was mad at Peppy for all his secrets. He was mad at Viva for acting just like him and letting her fear and paranoia get the best of her. Hurting those around her in the name of keeping herself safe.
He was mad at Floyd for running away from his problems instead of actually talking about them. Branch knew how hard it was, and he'd probably procrastinate opening up as much as he could, but he wouldn't just run away. Floyd was supposed to be the emotionally mature one. He was supposed to be better than this.
But as angry as Branch was at everybody else, he was furious at himself, because he knew that he was just getting mad because he was defensive and scared. He was worried about Floyd. That worry was coming out through anger, because that was easier to deal with than breaking down, even if it wasn't fair.
Branch always forgot how obvious his anger was. For twenty years his anger had mostly happened in the privacy of his own home. Poppy was always able to read him like an open book, but that was different. They were dating, and Poppy had always been observant and caring.
John Dory on the other hand had been gone for twenty years. Even when they were kids he'd always been either oblivious to or willfully ignorant of their feelings. He didn't deal with emotions, and he had never known that Spruce or Clay were angry until they blew up in his face. So Branch was ashamed and frustrated when John Dory seemed to know how upset he was.
"Branch?" John Dory's voice was quiet. They were sitting at a pier, waiting for daybreak. The dock was closed, but in the morning there should be a boat that went to the island that they saw on the horizon. The same island that John Dory recognized from Bruce's postcard. The tracks led here and then vanished. John Dory was convinced that Clay and Floyd had gone to find Spruce and they would find all of their brothers on the island.
Branch wasn't too sure, but they'd lost the trail and didn't really have any other choice but to wait. In the morning when the ticket stand opened they would ask someone if they'd seen a pair of trolls around. They might know where they had gone, whether it be to the island or somewhere else.
This was the best and only plan they had, but Branch didn't like it. Especially since now that they weren't moving and being carefully observant of their surroundings John Dory could focus on him. He could see Branch's anger, and he wasn't going to let the matter drop so easily.
"Don't be mad at Floyd." John Dory said quietly.
"I'm not." Branch seethed, and he hated that it was a lie. Floyd wasn't the only one he was mad at, but the anger was still there.
"Don't look at it as him running away." John Dory said. "I chased him off. If you're going to be mad at anyone, be mad at me."
Branch blinked and looked at his oldest brother. "What?" Chased him off? Branch had been the last one to talk to Floyd. If anybody had chased him off it was him. What did John Dory think he had done?
Branch was reminded of when Floyd had asked for some alone time with him, just so he could convince him to not be mad at their older brother. John Dory was doing the same thing, trying to divert Branch's ire to protect his brother.
Since when was Branch the kind of troll that his brothers felt the need to protect each other from?
He sighed and finally sat down next to John Dory. Branch had been pacing anxiously around the pier since they got here. It was only now that he let himself slow down and breathe.
"I'm not going to yell at you." Branch said. "Or Floyd."
John Dory just looked confused. "But you're mad." As though that would excuse any shouting and biting words he may throw at his brothers.
"I am." Branch said. "But I'm mostly just mad that any of this is happening." The circumstances sucked, and a lot of trolls could share blame for it, but it wasn't really anybody's fault.
Branch looked at his brother. "Why do you blame yourself? You weren't even there when he left."
"But I should have been." John Dory said. "I should have kept a better eye on him, or realized that something was wrong and done something." John Dory gave him a confused look. "Why don't you blame me?" And that just made no sense to Branch.
"What are you talking about?" Branch asked. "He disappeared without a word to either of us. It had nothing to do with you." Branch suspected that it had to do with Floyd's self-consciousness and frustration about losing his talent, but that was still just a theory. And even though John Dory was the one talking about the Perfect Family Harmony, Branch was the one who had basically shoved it in Floyd's face that he could still sing after twenty years.
"But I knew he was upset." John Dory said. "I knew he was tired, and overwhelmed, and guilty, and I knew that he runs when he gets like that."
"Wait…you knew he was going to leave?" Branch wasn't mad, he was just confused. He knew why Floyd had run, or, at least, he had a fairly good idea about it. But John Dory talked about it like it wasn't just a one-time thing. That this was a regular occurrence. "Floyd doesn't run away. That was always Clay."
"It was both of them." John Dory said. He looked thoughtful for a second. "Spruce did it too…and so did I."
"...I guess it's a family thing." Branch muttered. He also had a tendency to run from things when they became too much for him. He could remember Clay frequently running off to spend the night with a friend. Now that John Dory mentioned it, he remembered seeing Spruce sneak out in the middle of the night a number of times, and he didn't see him again until morning.
But those two hadn't left because they had messed up and they didn't want to face the consequences. They hadn't run because they hadn't felt like they were good enough. They'd left because they didn't want to be around John and his overbearing demands.
Branch knew the difference, but he wasn't sure if John Dory did too. It felt important that his brother know that Floyd wasn't running from him.
"What Floyd's doing is different from Clay and Spruce." Branch said. He spoke with confidence, even if he only had a guess of what was going on in Floyd's brain. One thing he knew for sure was that he could never be afraid of any of their brothers. He wasn't scared of making John angry, he was scared of disappointing him.
Branch thought that he would need to argue his case more, but John Dory just looked pained as he turned towards the water. "I know." He said. "Floyd didn't run because he hates me. He ran because he hates himself."
Branch felt his blood go ice cold. "He what?" That couldn't be right. Floyd was the best of them, and he always had been. Nobody could ever hate Floyd. Why would he ever hate himself?
Except…Branch knew what that was like. He wasn't sure if he hated himself, exactly, but he knew that Poppy would argue otherwise. Branch was too hard on himself. He knew he was. It was something he was working on, but it was slow and hard progress. He'd been like this for a long time, at least since he'd gone Gray. Branch looked at his dull colored hands and flexed his fingers a bit.
"Maybe it's a Gray troll thing." Branch muttered to himself. After all, Floyd had gone Gray, just like Branch had. "How long has he been like this?" He wasn't really asking John Dory, because he didn't think his older brother actually knew. Branch was just talking out loud. But John Dory answered anyway.
"As long as I can remember." John Dory said. "He's been like this since he was a kid. Clay and Spruce blamed me for everything. I blamed them. Floyd blamed himself." John Dory rubbed his fingers over the palm of his other hand. "He thought that because he understood all of us that it was his job to calm us down and get us to stop fighting. But he was just a kid, and when there are three hot-heads that are looking for any excuse to let off some steam, well…he didn't stand a chance. It wasn't his fault. It was never his fault, but I never knew how to convince him."
Branch felt a little ill. All this time. Floyd had been so hard on himself all this time? He knew that John Dory was telling the truth, because he didn't think his older brother knew how to lie, and he could tell that his brother wasn't putting on a performance. But it wasn't like the Floyd that he had been remembering so fondly.
His brother had always been so calm and encouraging. He would always gently intervene when their older brothers fought, or he would take Branch's hand and sit quietly with him so he wouldn't be bothered by the angry and loud words of the others. He would always try to get the brothers to be kind to themselves and to each other. Had he really been suffering the whole time? Being hard on himself instead of blaming his brothers for anything?
Branch knew that he had just been a baby at the time, but he still felt like he should have known. He should have noticed that something was off. Was that why Floyd cried so easily? Because he was just sad all the time?
"I thought hating yourself just came with being a Gray troll." Branch said quietly. But Floyd hadn't been Gray as a child. "Is it a genetic thing?" He didn't know a lot about biology. It wasn't a subject that trolls bothered to learn about. But he knew enough to know that there were traits that were shared between family members. He just hadn't thought that being too hard on yourself was one of them.
"...I never went Gray." John Dory said. "So I guess it's just a thing for our family." It took Branch a long minute to realize what John Dory was saying.
"You…you hate yourself too?" Branch asked. This shouldn't be more surprising than hearing about Floyd, but somehow it was. John Dory was so confident. He was oblivious and arrogant. As a child he never seemed to take responsibility, preferring to spread the blame around.
John Dory scoffed. "Why are you surprised? I single-handedly tore our family apart because I wasn't a good enough big bro for you guys. Spruce and Clay hate me. You and Floyd went Gray. Why wouldn't I hate myself? I destroyed the only good parts of my life, and then I left you guys to pick up the pieces."
The way that John Dory was talking, he sounded a lot like Branch, and it hurt. Was this how Poppy felt when he was having a bad day and talked like this? It was actually physically painful to hear.
Branch bit the inside of his lip and slowly reached out. He took John Dory's hand. He felt like an idiot doing so, but John accepted his offering. He took Branch's hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
Branch couldn't say that none of this was John Dory's fault, because he did blame his older brother. He thought that his brother should have handled things better. He shouldn't have left. He shouldn't have pushed them all, including himself, so hard. But they couldn't change those things now. Lingering on the mistakes of the past was just going to stir resentment and hurt. Branch didn't want that. He wanted to try again and make a fresh start.
"I forgive you, you know." Branch said, because he did. He was still kinda mad, but he understood, and he wanted to move on. He wasn't going to hold this over John Dory's head, and he wanted to help his brother to let go as well. As far as Branch was concerned, that was a good enough start.
"Maybe you shouldn't." John Dory muttered. Branch knew those words weren't meant for him. He squeezed his brother's hand.
"Maybe not." Branch said reluctantly, his tone making it clear that he didn't agree. "But I do."
John Dory finally turned to look at him, an appreciative look in his eyes, but there was also something there that made Branch feel like his brother was looking at him like he was a little kid that he was just trying to appease. It wasn't patronizing, it was just sad, because he knew his brother didn't think he deserved to be forgiven.
"Clay and Spruce won't." John Dory said.
"Maybe they will if you talk to them." Branch said. John Dory was shaking his head before he had even finished his sentence.
"I can't…I can't talk about this stuff with you guys." John Dory said. "I'm supposed to be the oldest. I'm supposed to be in charge and have control. How can you follow me if you know how much of a screw-up I am?"
"You talked to me." Branch pointed out. "And I'm way more willing to follow you now than I was ten minutes ago."
"That's different." John Dory said quickly. "I couldn't just let you go thinking that there's something wrong with you. I thought if you knew that I was just as broken as you, then maybe you'd be a little easier on yourself."
"We're not broken." Branch said, though sometimes he certainly felt like he was. John Dory went on, ignoring those words.
"And maybe I shouldn't have told you about Floyd, because that's his business, but I don't think he knows how bad it is." John Dory said. "And I'm hoping that if you're busy feeling bad for Floyd then you'll forget about yelling at him when we find him."
"I'm not planning on yelling at anybody." Branch said. He hesitated for a moment before he scooted closer to John Dory and slowly leaned closer to him until his head was leaning against his brother's shoulder. It wasn't really resting, it was more like hovering slightly over it. He didn't know if the contact would be welcomed.
John Dory stiffened and seemed to be holding his breath. Branch was just starting to panic, thinking he had done something incredibly wrong, when John Dory slowly moved his arm and wrapped it around his shoulders, pulling him closer. Branch breathed a sigh of relief and let himself relax as he truly leaned against his brother.
"Maybe you shouldn't have told me." Branch admitted reluctantly, because they both knew it wasn't his place. "But I'm glad you did." He nuzzled against his older brother. "I'm glad I know about Floyd. And I'm really happy that I know about you." It was harder to stay angry at someone when they knew where they had gone wrong and were beating themselves up about it more than you were.
Branch didn't mean to start dozing, but it had been a long past couple of days. He was exhausted, and curled up against his brother he felt safer than he had in a while.
John Dory wrapped his hair around Branch's shoulders, which really wasn't fair. Branch couldn't remember the last time he had been wrapped up in someone's hair in this protective way.
"Get some sleep, baby bro." John Dory said. "I'll keep watch."
"Not a baby." Branch muttered. John Dory chuckled slightly.
"Okay, Branch." John Dory said. He sounded mostly sincere, but there was still that little bit of a patronizing tone. Branch wanted to fight him on it, but he was tired. So instead of arguing he just pouted and let his eyes slip closed as he drifted off.