Author's note: I know there was a delay since the last chapter. I had some life things going on. Today, though, I can post the whole rest of the story. This fic is now complete. Enjoy.
Asuka bursts up from the mattress, eyes wide. She feels like she's on fire, but it's all inside her.
She takes stock of her surroundings. She's in a strange bedroom. It's Shinji's.
She looks over her left shoulder. Shinji is snoring.
She looks over her right shoulder, and Mari is propped up with an elbow on the pillow, staring wide-eyed at Asuka.
Asuka looks at her for a second and scrambles out of bed.
"Asuka!" Mari whispers urgently.
Asuka bursts out of the bedroom and throws open the front door. The sky is a deep blue, the sun hasn't risen yet. She starts running down the hallway, toward the train station. Mari is chasing her.
"Asuka!" Mari calls after her.
Asuka hears her huff as Mari breaks into a full sprint, finally grabbing Asuka's arm, pulling her.
Asuka stops, spinning around. She pulls her arm away.
"Asuka, what the hell!" Mari says.
"I have to go," is all Asuka says.
"Why!? Asuka, what is going on with you?"
Asuka shifts her eyes.
Mari's expression hardens. "You said it yesterday. We're like sisters, Asuka! You can't hide everything from me!"
"I have to find Kensuke," Asuka tells her. And it's the truth.
Now, Mari's expression softens, and instead she looks hurt. She wraps her arms around her middle. "Well… you're not even going to say thank you?"
Asuka steps forward, putting her hands on Mari's waist. Surprised, Mari looks at her with a vulnerable expression.
"Thank you, Mari. I would have never come this far without you."
First, tears fill Mari's eyes, then her face screws up with emotion. It's horrible.
"Oh, Prince-ess!" Mari exclaims, squeezing herself and wiggling. "You don't have to thank me for tha-at! "
Asuka takes the opportunity, and turns and continues running to the station.
"You got this, Asuka!" Mari calls after her. "Don't let him forget what he has in you!"
Asuka's heart pounds in her chest.
She hopes that's enough.
Asuka walks slowly up their hill, like it's a normal day. A normal return home. But it's not normal. It's early morning still and nothing about the last few days has been 'normal' in any reality Asuka is familiar with.
It's Monday. She doesn't have a schedule exactly… but she would usually find work at the docks, for money and to fill time. She'd called Ishikawa on the train. Her words had been a jumble, but all he'd said was something like 'why don't you figure things out at home, so I can have my best sailor back.' She'd felt very thankful.
She can see the house now, it's maybe fifty meters away now. Her feet pick up, and she starts jogging, then running.
She throws open the door. "Kensuke?" she calls.
Of course he's not there. She looks around. Her eyes lock on his red duffel bag, under his workbench. That wasn't there yesterday, right?
She hurries over to the fridge, yanking it open. She kneels down, holding the container of soup in front of her face. The line… it's lower than yesterday. Kensuke ate some.
He's been here.
She reaches into her pajama pants and pulls out her phone. No calls from Kensuke. No calls from anyone. But there's a text from Rei, yesterday.
'Have a good night, Asuka. Know you can call me anytime.'
She stares at it, then swipes it away.
She pulls up Kensuke, preparing to call him. As her finger hovers over the call button, she feels a burning, awful feeling. Her eyes moisten. She feels like she's waiting for the axe to drop.
She calls.
The phone rings again. He has to be at work. It's Monday. He never misses. He was home this morning. He probably took some soup for lunch.
She realizes if she hadn't gone to Shinji she would have been here when he got home. She bites her thumb.
"Hey! It's Kensuke."
Her heart skips. Then she realizes it's his voicemail again. She sinks into the kitchen tile.
"I'm probably out and about, but it's a good thing you know how to reach me!"
The line beeps, waiting for a message.
"Kensuke," she starts. She wasn't ready for this. What is she supposed to say?
"I need to talk to you. I want to talk to you. I know… it's okay if you're mad. I talked to Mari and Shinji, I… I miss… I just need to talk to you, okay? Please give me a chance."
She sounds like she's fifteen. She hates it.
She hangs up the phone, sealing the message before she can change her mind.
There's a knock at the door. She gasps.
With heavy footfalls she hurries over and yanks the door open.
It's Kaworu.
Her face reveals undisguised confoundment.
"Oh!" says Kaworu, reaching back and scratching his head. "Well, maybe that's the greeting I deserve."
He looks down at her pajamas. "Ah… sorry for coming by so early…"
"Kaworu, what do you want?" she asks him.
"Well, I know it's a strange time to visit… Honestly, I'm not sure why I didn't come by this evening. Something just told me now was the time."
"To visit?" Asuka asks in disbelief.
"It's not so strange, is it?" Kaworu asks. "Friends check up on one another."
Asuka gives him a look like he's crazy. "Friends…"
Kaworu stands with his hands in his pockets, as if at ease, but he's shifting his feet quite a bit. He studies her back.
Asuka decides to test him now. "Kaworu, have you ever been to Nairobi?"
Kaworu blinks. Then he begins laughing.
Asuka looks even more incredulous.
"Ah," he says, "I see now. You think I don't remember anything. That's why you were so put off."
Asuka stares, brow furrowed.
"Please believe me, Asuka, I remember everything. And more. Nairobi was a fierce battle. Gendoh told me that Unit 02, and yourself, might finally be destroyed when he deployed me in Unit 09. We inflicted quite the terror on that blasted landscape, didn't we? Well, in the end I think the true mission might have been to bring forward the angel you carried, and awaken Unit 09, whether I survived or not. Unfortunately for Gendoh, that is not how it played out."
Asuka's face softens as she listens to him speak. It had been a ferocious battle. She had almost died. She had finally destroyed Unit 09 by neutralizing its AT field with her own, ripping off its legs, then impaling its core with a magnetite spear forged within Wunder's attendant fleet. Kaworu had escaped in the entry plug.
"Kaworu," she says, tired now, "why are you here?"
"I was nearby and I wondered if either you or Kensuke might be at home. Unusual, I know. I'm sorry…" He scratches behind his head. "You know me, a bit of a starving artist. My schedule is rather flexible.
"And also… it's something about being human. I… worry now."
He's worried about her?
She's looking at the face of an old, old enemy. He used to wear an inscrutable smile, all while asking cryptic, probing questions through a plug feed while they battled, as they did many times, her always defending the Wunder and its fleet.
Now, she isn't sure. Whatever he is—and she really doesn't know—he seems to be sincere. And there are no evas here for them to kill each other with.
"Come in, I guess," says Asuka, leaving the door open behind her.
Kaworu walks in, casually looking around, whistling even. He circles into their little sitting area, for reading or whatever. It's got some natural light from high panel windows in the wall. It's an oven in the summer, though. But it's not hot yet today.
He drops into the broken-in red armchair, hands still in his pockets. "You guys have a cool house. I haven't been here in a while."
"In a while?" Asuka asks him, putting on some hot water.
"Yes, well…"
"You talked to Shinji," Asuka asks, her back to him.
A brief silence. "Yesterday, yeah. He didn't tell me, you know. What happened."
Asuka stiffens. "Then how do you know anything happened?"
"You can just tell, you know. Shinji and I are… close. Don't you believe me?"
"I believe you."
"Shinji said you came by. He said it was good. He said it really made him happy to see you, actually. He felt like you got somewhere."
Asuka's eyebrows twitch. "Right."
"How are you feeling?"
She turns slowly, staring. "How am I feeling? Why should I trust you, Kaworu?"
"Well, we've been friends for ages."
She gives him the crazy look again.
"Well," he laughs in chagrin, "not close friends… but we've known each other since high school."
He's talking about the new memories. She turns back around.
"But really, I thought maybe our recovered memories of war would bring us closest of all."
Asuka stills. The pot begins hissing, then whistling. She picks it up and fills the two mugs with hot water. She sets it back down on the cold burner.
She swirls the tea bags in the mugs—they do not do fancy tea sets around here—and carries them to the sunny alcove. She places one on the table next to Kaworu. She moves and sits down in the less comfortable blue armchair across from him, tucking her legs under her.
His eyes never leave her for a moment.
"Why did you fight, Kaworu?" she asks him.
For some reason, he breaks into a broad smile. "What a perfect question.
"When I awoke on the surface of your world, 28 years ago, as it were, it was my mission to correct the wrong that had been perpetrated against the Adams, sacred watchers of your world. Unwarlike as I was, however, Gendoh quickly discovered that I was amenable to conversation. We would speak at length.
"At length.
"We disagreed about much, but in the end, he brought me before the SEELE council, and it was they that convinced me, that because the harm brought to the Adams could no longer be undone, the only conclusion must be the advancement of their scenario, which would correct all worldly harms, and resolve humanity totally, granting them something like a heaven in the process.
"Having free will of my own, I decided that, while difficult and drastic, this cause was worthy. I would fight from that day forward to bring it about. My brothers and sisters that came after me would not agree, nor would they be as peaceful, however.
"And so understand that I fought never to destroy, nor out of enmity, but only to advance SEELE's goals. They proceeded haltingly, but somehow inexorably, toward their mark. I took this as affirmation that I had been correct to aid them.
"Gendoh himself I never fully trusted. I knew that he had schemes. But he succeeded in deceiving me until the end.
"But in the final hour, it would turn out like none expected."
Asuka watches in silence, taking it all in. She slowly rotates her hot mug in her hands. In this moment, she feels exposed without her eyepatch. Like it's missing. She lifts her tea, blows on it, and takes a sip. "No wonder we fought so much," she says.
"Indeed, I do not think any of my brethren posed a greater obstacle to Gendoh's plans than Misato and yourself."
"Didn't amount to much in the end, did it?" Asuka says.
"I must disagree totally," says Kaworu. "Perhaps I am not as creative as you natural-born humans, but I do not see how things could have gone the way they did without you."
Asuka winces.
"What bothers you, Asuka?"
Asuka shifts in her seat. Kaworu still makes her uncomfortable, but now it is in a different way. He… sees everything. It's like he knows what she's feeling. And that's not something she wants to feel in front of anyone.
Staring into the middle distance, she speaks. "I fought with my whole being because I felt like, I believed it was my only purpose. That I had no value otherwise. But I could not stop Gendoh from entering Unit 13."
"You stopped him until all the pieces were in place. Until Shinji was prepared to go and confront him, and Misato could assemble the final spear. The only remaining piece to alter Gendoh's vision of the future. This world would not be possible without it."
Asuka can feel the lines on her face. The haunted look in her eyes. She knows she can't hide it from Kaworu, so she retreats by looking at the floor instead of his eyes. She glances out the hard-water stained window, the bright sunlight interrupted by swaying shadows of tree branches from the elm over there.
"This world makes no sense to me," she whispers.
"You do not like it, do you?" Kaworu asks her.
"Who would?" Asuka asks. But she doesn't mean it like she did three days ago.
Kaworu shrugs. "Someone who enjoys other people. Peace. Safety and security."
The bright light from the tree-dappled window dances in her blue eyes. She feels a burning feeling over her shoulders.
"I think you like it too, Asuka," says Kaworu.
She looks at him, but only for a second, for his gaze is piercing.
"I think you just don't know how to make peace with it," he finishes.
She stares down at her cup. Her hands send constant, tiny ripples through the surface of her tea. "Someone like me doesn't belong in a place like this. It's why I can't live here."
"What makes you think you aren't living?" Kaworu asks.
"I'm screwing everything up," she says. She doesn't know why she's telling Kaworu, but she can't stop herself now. "I'm hurting the people that love me."
"That is living."
"I'm only good for causing harm. For destruction."
"I do not believe you."
"I should just go away…"
Finally, Kaworu hesitates. "Says who?"
Burning in her seat, finally she meets Kaworu's eyes. She doesn't care if he sees anymore. Her ugliness.
"Is that what Shinji told you, yesterday?" he asks her.
Shinji? Of course not, he…
If I could have controlled everything, fixed everything… I would have made sure you were happy here.
Asuka wraps her arms around herself, spilling hot tea on the chair.
I would have made you the happiest of all, if I could.
Tears escape her eyes. Was that love? Or had it been a farewell?
"Asuka," says Kaworu.
She meets his eyes. It's strangely easy, with him.
"Perhaps the battlefield that began outside for you, has returned to the inside. It is difficult for a friend to protect you from this. But I can say this with certainty; you are loved by your friends. Bonds forced in searing heat are strong as steel. Don't let yourself forget this."
She wants to believe that.
"I care," says Kaworu. He blinks, as if he had surprised himself. He blushes, even. His eyes return to her, determined. "I care, Asuka, and that is something I get to say with authority."
She stares, not knowing what to think.
"I relished our battles together," says Kaworu. He looks down, as if guilty. "Always, always I admired humanity's dogged determination to survive. I did not understand that, as an eternal being. Why cling to the dust? I wanted to understand.
"And it never felt more present than when you and I crossed blades. You radiated absolute will. Human will. It was exhilarating. Fights with you I cherished most of all. For you were the fiercest one. The Foremost."
Asuka stills. "What…?"
"I knew even that I could be killed, but–"
"Why did you call me that?" Asuka asks him.
"Eh? Oh, you mean… I don't know, actually. It kind of just popped into my head. It's fitting, though, isn't it?"
Her mind starts turning. She's heard that word before.
"Asuka?"
She places her mug on the table next to her and rises from her seat.
"Asuka, is something wrong?"
She moves into their 'bedroom' and pulls some clothes from her drawers. Not bothering to bathe, she changes without shame in front of Kaworu.
"Ah… going somewhere?"
"I need to see someone."
It's true, though she does not know why.
"Oh, alright…"
Dressed now, she walks back up the main walkway, pausing by Kaworu. She looks at him. She works her lips for a second. The words still don't come easy, but they'll be stuck in her chest if she doesn't say them.
"Thanks for coming by, Kaworu."
He laughs bashfully. "Oh, it's nothing! I was happy to chat, I…"
But she is walking out of the house. She shuts the door behind her.
Kaworu is alone in the house now. He looks down at his still-steaming tea. "I was hoping that would last longer, actually."
Rei types the last two sentences out onto the screen. She's using her laptop again; she's tried every available option in the last two days to break through the newfound resistance.
She takes a deep breath, then reads the page from the top.
Fudoki is doing his best, but he keeps coming off as clumsy. He's smart, he's suave, and he knows how to talk to people. But in this simple act of giving Ai flowers and telling her his heart is meant for another, he just cannot seem to find his words.
Ai is angry this time. She rejects it. She thinks Fudoki is not being earnest. And he doesn't sound earnest, he sounds anxious.
Rei buries her cheeks in her palms, staring at the screen.
It has been three painful days of writing in a row.
She is not used to this. She has maintained the most stable, healthful possible life for herself. So that she can remain focused, consistent in her writing. It has always worked before. Each day, she has risen, exercised, eaten, and gotten to writing, as always. In the afternoons and evenings, she takes the train to the bookstore for a late shift. Or if not working, she calls friends, prepares a healthy dinner, reads her books, and takes long walks or goes to the movies.
But something is simply wrong.
Her sleep has been restless as well. She struggles to fall asleep at night, and in the morning she wakes with a heavy feeling, like something of great importance is just out of her reach.
She doesn't know what is wrong with her.
"Is this what it means to be human?" she says to no one.
She gives a small shudder, and hugs herself. She never had such doubts when her life was composed of orders from other people.
But that is not living. That is a half-life.
But this… this is intolerable. Her precious equilibrium, something has quashed it. She presses her fingers into her eyes.
What does she need to do?
There is a knock at her door.
Surprised, she looks at the clock. 10:32 AM. Quite early. It must be Kaworu.
On another day, she would be annoyed at the interruption in her writing time. However, today it feels welcome.
She rises and moves to the door, stopping briefly to make sure she is dressed for company. She had put on her khaki capris and a tucked in button down shirt. Good.
She opens the door. "Kaworu–"
But it is not Kaworu. It is Asuka.
"A-Asuka!" she exclaims.
Asuka is not displaying her usual confidence or diffidence. But… she does look different today. She seems apprehensive, but also energized.
"Rei," says Asuka. "I know you're writing. Can you talk, though?"
Rei's heart swells. "Yes! Yes, of course! Come in, Asuka, quickly!"
She ushers her in with her hands, closing the door behind Asuka.
Asuka looks around. New World Asuka does not come here often. It is a plain apartment, Rei rarely hosts. And Old World Asuka… she has never set foot here once.
"...Organized," Asuka comments.
"Yes, of course," says Rei, picking up her workout DVD from the kitchen table and putting it back on the little bookshelf by the window. "And don't worry… I wasn't really writing, anyway."
"Sure seems like you were," says Asuka, glancing at her laptop. She picks up the workout DVD Rei had just placed and looks at it with a curious half-scowl.
"No work today?" Rei asks her.
Asuka meets her eyes. "Not today." She's vague… but not defensive. She sits down on the bench next to Rei's bookshelf. Rei turns her writing chair around and sits on it, facing Asuka.
For some reason, the red-headed girl is making her feel warm like never before. She seems precious. Rei can even feel heat on her cheeks.
"Asuka, you are such a lovely girl."
Asuka stiffens, caught off guard.
Rei smiles, indulging herself. "There's something about you, that I admire. You are always full of life. That is exactly it. You are always so full. Just being near you is nice."
Asuka looks around like she is seeking escape. "Rei…"
"I'm sorry, I know you didn't ask. I simply felt like I had to say. I'm glad you came out to dinner the other night. Shinji told me you had seemed reluctant."
Worry enters Asuka's features, but she seems to shake it away. "About that night…"
"Oh?" Rei blinks. "Was there something you wanted to tell me?"
Asuka starts to rock slightly in her seat, uneasy.
"What's going on, Asuka?" she asks politely.
In reality, questions are pounding at Rei's head. What was with you on Friday? Where did you go? Is Shinji mad at you? They won't tell me anything. Why aren't you working?
Asuka stares at the floor, wearing a sullen expression. Except she's picking at her fingers absent-mindedly, almost frantically. It isn't like her.
"I can't believe you're so easy with me, after all this time," says Asuka.
She still doesn't want to talk in the New Context. Well, that is fine with Rei.
"Why shouldn't I be?" Rei asks.
A frown creeps onto Asuka's face. "You aren't going to demand I apologize? For Friday? I thought you might smack me when you saw me."
That is not like Rei, and Asuka knows it. "I am not as angry with you as you seem to think."
"But you are angry."
Rei takes a breath. "I would say I'm worried, since you're asking."
Asuka pouts her lips and looks petulantly to the side. It's juvenile, even kind of cute. It's very Asuka.
"Asuka, I–"
"I'm sorry I spoke to you so harshly," says Asuka suddenly.
Rei hangs with her mouth open. She closes it.
"And I'm sorry I was so curt on the phone." Asuka scratches the side of her head. "You deserve better. Than that."
Rei blinks. "It was a lot to ask of you, after everything that happened."
This seems to surprise Asuka. She returns Rei's look with a vulnerable expression.
"I assumed… I hoped this transition would be easier for you. But it was quite an extreme transition. For someone who fought as hard as you did, for as long as you did."
Asuka frowns painfully, looking at the floor. She doesn't argue. "Someone like me wasn't made for a world like this," she mumbles.
"Asuka…" says Rei. It hurts her heart to hear these words from her friend.
Asuka's eyes are far away. Like she didn't even hear Rei. This will not do. So be it.
Rei rises, walking over to Asuka. She sits on the floor before her on her knees. Asuka looks at her, surprised. She still clasps the fingers she'd been picking at. Rei reaches up and takes both Asuka's hands in hers. As if defenseless, Asuka meets her eyes.
"Asuka, I forgive you, for Friday. It was the smallest thing, really. But more importantly than that, know this.
"This world does not remember the terror and the war that came before. It does not know your bravery and your sacrifice. It does not honor you. But I honor you. Do you know?"
Asuka looks as fragile as a frightened child.
"I will never, ever forget. How we fought together, repelling Sahaquiel by Shinji's side. Or of your ceaseless vigilance in the many years that Shinji was gone."
Power blooms in Rei's chest. Her expression hardens to match. Asuka draws in a deeper breath.
"Do not ever forget your worth. To me, or to all those you protected. I will not let you."
Asuka tries to retract her hands, but Rei does not let go. She stares. Asuka's eyes avoid Rei's, tears forming in the corners. Finally, Asuka wills herself to look back.
"Okay. Okay."
Satisfied, Rei stands up and lets go of Asuka's hands, returning to her seat.
Still agitated, Asuka rocks slightly, looking for words. "I know I'm not worthless, but I've been screwing up."
Rei is stunned to hear Asuka profess her faults, but she pushes through the feeling. "Why is that so wrong?"
"I hurt Kensuke, I think. On Friday."
"Kensuke…" Rei is surprised. When had that happened? She had been with Asuka for practically the entire night.
"I talked to Shinji and Mari… that was good, but Kensuke won't come home and he won't return my calls."
Rei's eyes widen. That is not like Kensuke. Not at all. Something must have happened indeed. "Have you spoken to him since?"
Asuka wears a pained expression. "Barely," she mutters.
Rei sets her lips. "It is quite fair then, that you should be distraught. I do not know what happened, or how Kensuke feels. However what I do know is that you two must speak, and you will. I'm sure. Soon, I would guess. I also know that Kensuke cares deeply for you."
"How could you know that?" Asuka asks with a flash of anger.
A fair question. "How can I say… I could talk about how he looks at you when we're together. When you are not looking back. How he challenges you gently, when you are getting out of hand. How at other times, he supports you firmly, and without exception. But that is not all…
"This is somewhat speculative. But do you not think it strange, Asuka, how in this New World, with everything different, and all of our lives taking different shape, that you and Kensuke have ended up living in the same house, on the same hill? A perfect continuation of the life you had lived in the years leading up to the Additional Impact. The place where you had grown close to each other. The place where you first made love…"
Asuka, who had been listening raptly, retracts her head slightly. "What did you say…?"
Rei sucks in a breath. She had been lost in her feelings, and only then realizes she had made a mistake.
Asuka's expression hardens. "How could you know that?"
In a rare position of discomfit, Rei seeks desperately for an escape, but there is none. She cornered herself. She feels herself turning redder, and redder.
"You're just saying things," says Asuka, eyes narrowing, "just guessing."
Yes, of course. "Right, I'm sorry, I was only guessing–"
"You're a terrible liar," Asuka interrupts. "Rei, how could you know that?"
Drats. Rei accepts there is no way out of this. Only through.
She stands up, a determined look on her face. Asuka stares in disbelief.
Rei crosses her hands and bows sharply.
"Asuka, please understand that I know many things I would not otherwise have due to the Additional Impact. I was in a special position to bear witness."
Her face is bright red, but she forces herself to continue.
"Additionally, in the years I spent with you aboard the Wunder, inside Unit 01, I could not speak with you, but I could feel you. I shared many of your feelings. I empathized."
I longed, she doesn't say.
"This I confess to you, and ask your forgiveness."
She breathes sharply into the silence that follows. She is still bowing, and cannot see Asuka.
She hears Asuka shift in her chair. Starting, Rei looks up.
Asuka leans back against the wall, legs crossed and with a dubious expression on her face.
"What a pervert," she says.
Rei's face gets hotter. "No! No, I swear it!"
Asuka laughs.
Rei, perhaps, blushes even harder.
Asuka stands up and walks over to Rei, and pulls her into a hug. Compared to Rei, Asuka is a big girl. A few centimeters taller, and with arms and shoulders strong from her fishing expeditions. She feels completely secure in her embrace.
"I forgive you, Star Child," Asuka says.
The feeling changing, Rei can't help but smile. She wraps her arms around Asuka's back, and tucks her head into her shoulder.
Asuka kicks her legs in the open air over the precipice. She's sitting on the edge of a broken concrete slab atop all ruins, bits of rebar twisting out of the plate. Below her stretches much of ruined Tokyo-3. But it is not all ugly. New lakes form in craters left by world-shaking weapons. Grass covers mounds left by countless tons of upheaved earth dumped over what had once been commercial and residential areas. The sun has not set yet, but it is getting very low.
Asuka.
This time Asuka is not surprised at all. "Hello."
You return victorious, once more.
"Define victory."
I am very proud of you.
Asuka turns.
This time, she can almost see the woman's body. She's wearing a strange blue dress. She can't see her eyes, but the woman is smiling, her hands folded in front of her.
"Did I do it?" Asuka asks her.
You mean, did you defeat your final foe, and reintegrate the Class 4 memory I spoke of before.
Asuka nods just slightly.
No. You have not. However, you have taken tremendous strides. You possess now, what I believe you will need to finish this process.
Asuka pinches her face. She hopes whatever she is talking about isn't much worse than the last 'angel' she fought.
It is much, much worse.
"Does this all have to do with me talking to Kensuke?" Asuka asks.
A lucid question. An important conversation. But no, it is not pertinent to this cause. I dwell in the dwyz, and I speak of the dwyz.
Asuka, the qualifying attribute for a Class 4 memory is 'existential danger.' Even couched deeply underneath a life's worth of struggle and affirmation, still this memory threatens the stability of your existence.
"Are you saying that it could kill me?"
It threatens. This beast cannot be left loose, to raze and destroy, bringing terror to all the rwuvm. It must be quelled. Brought to equilibrium, with All. Only you can do this.
"Is now the time?"
No. But soon. Rest well, tonight, Asuka. You will need it.
The bottom of the sun's disc passes behind the distant mountains.
So be it.
Asuka opens her eyes. It is light outside, but it is not morning.
She sits up, grabbing her head. It's still Monday, she recalls. After getting back from Rei's apartment, she'd returned to an empty house and for some reason, she'd gone to sleep. She looks at the clock. 5:57 PM. She'd been out for a few hours.
She hears a scraping sound, and freezes. It's the sound of a metal tool, moving earth. It's coming from the garden outside. She sucks in a breath.
Kensuke.
Kensuke lays the little plant into the hole he'd made in the soil. He tucks in in securely, then covers in the space around it with the rich earth, pressing it down, just enough. He's about halfway done with the tray of veggies he'd bought from the nursery. Tomatoes, mostly, and some cabbage. Two of Asuka's favorites.
He hears the back door open, and Asuka step outside. He adjusts the brim of his hat. He doesn't turn yet. Sometimes people tell him otherwise, but he's never felt very good at serious conversations. Especially with Asuka. She holds all the cards, after all. He smiles ruefully.
"Kensuke," says Asuka, just above a whisper.
He turns around.
The late afternoon sunshine is bright and warm. Asuka stands unprotected, wearing just her t-shirt and half-pants. She's barefoot. The sunlight makes her auburn hair glow like the mane of a vengeful goddess.
He can't find his words yet.
"I'm ready to talk now," she says. "I'm sorry it took so long. I wanted to talk to you… Can we?"
Kensuke conceals his sigh as he stands up. He puts down his trowel in the open space of the bed, and turns to face her. "You are not the only one who put off the conversation."
Meeting his eyes, Asuka looks nervous. A rare look for her. She brings her hands together and starts fidgeting with them.
Asuka looks down. She seems to be thinking of what to say. She's breathing fast.
Something is different about her, he realizes. Like some layers have been shorn off. She seems more exposed than usual. What could have happened…? Is it to do with him?
"I'm sorry I kissed Shinji," Asuka bursts out. "I didn't really mean it, but I hurt him, and I hurt Mari, and I…"
Kensuke blinks. He hadn't expected her to cut right to it. It's hard for him, to see her in pain. But she's only speaking the truth, after all. Something he's been waiting to hear.
For an instant, it looks like Asuka wants to cry, then her face changes, looking more determined. "And I think I hurt you as well."
Just like that, they're talking about it. "It was very reckless," he says.
Asuka starts nodding. "I know… I didn't care what happened. I thought it would make me feel good, just for a second. I wasn't thinking…"
She's not blaming the beer or sake, either.
Asuka grabs her waist with her arms. "I was only thinking of myself."
Kensuke grabs at the pant leg of his overalls. It's not like Asuka to be so direct. Not about feelings, anyway. He doubted he could put it any better himself.
He should forgive her, shouldn't he? The words can't seem to find his lips.
"I always envied Shinji for you," he suddenly says.
Asuka's eyes widen.
"All the way back to class 2-A. He got to spend all that time with you. I thought he was the luckiest guy on the planet. Misato, too, but…" He chuckles. "That was just kid stuff. You, though… I always thought you were so amazing. Untouchable. It seemed like a crime that anyone should get to hold you. I envied the hell out of Shinji."
Asuka's brow is creasing. "Shinji never got to hold me…"
"Yeah, I–" Why is he talking about himself now? He thinks he knows why. "I didn't…
"All I could see, was that you two were together a lot, and beyond that, you two had something in common that I could never hope to match. Much as I wanted it."
"The evas," says Asuka.
"The evas," he agrees. "I couldn't imagine how fighting for your lives together like that must bring you closer. I… I was too weak to stave off the jealousy. Always it seemed like you were getting farther and farther away."
"Kensuke," she interrupts his sad reverie. She's still frowning, but she has a sure look on her face now, like someone bearing hard news. "Did you ever think that maybe I didn't always want to live in that world? That I needed to get out sometimes, however I could?"
"I did. I hoped, anyway."
"Didn't you wonder why I'd come down to Village-3 so often, even though things were still so hard and there was nothing but work to do down here…"
"I hoped…"
"And why I kept seeking you out, even if it just meant that we could work side by side…?"
He had wondered, but he had never asked. "Why did you?"
Asuka lets go of her arms, returning them to her sides. She looks exposed, vulnerable. The very last thing she likes to be, and he knows it well.
She speaks so quietly she can barely hear him, looking at the ground. "Because when I was with you–"
He steps forward, closing half the distance between them.
She looks up at him, fear and hope in her eyes. "Because when I was with you, I felt still in here." She puts a hand over her chest. "And that's something I never had, but in two places. When I was fighting for my life, and when I was with you.
"And you said I was amazing… I put on a show, I like putting on a show, but I never felt safe that way… Only with you."
Kensuke steps forward until their faces are close. "Asuka, it's okay," he says gravely. He puts his hands on her shoulders. "Just tell me who you want to be with."
Asuka's features slacken in surprise, confusion even. "You really think…"
He screws up his lips and turns, but she grabs his hands and he meets her piercing blue eyes again.
"I only want to be with you, Kensuke."
She really seems to mean it.
Her grip tightens on his, and suddenly her eyes are wet. Her eyes are so intense, her feelings so strong. He's caught off guard.
"Please, please tell me it is not too late," she says.
Head spinning, Kensuke looks up at the ramshackle house behind them, around the hill to their garden, their trees, their bikes, and the view of Tokyo around them. Not one thing would be right here without her.
"I don't know if it ever could be," he says.
She moves into him, pressing her face into his chest and squeezing him tightly. He wraps his arms around her most cherished shoulders, her most cherished hair, her most cherished ribs.
"I wish I could say it didn't bother me," he says.
"I don't want it to not bother you."
"It may be a while before it's like it was again."
"Okay." He can feel her tears on his collarbone.
"We have to hold each other up."
He can see a bitter grimace on her lips. She nods fervently into his shoulder.
"Please don't scare me like that again, Asuka."
"Never," she says with complete certainty. "Never."