"So why did you screw us up, Xander? We had a good thing, I was even planning to tell you I loved you. I thought you loved me too, we didn't just have hot make out sessions, we talked, about everything or I thought we did. So why did you cheat on me? Was I just too much of a bitch after all?"
"No, gods no, it wasn't you."
"Did Willow offer you something I couldn't? If it was sex, why didn't you talk to me about it?"
"It wasn't sex, we never had sex, just a few kisses, that's all, I swear! I know you have no reason to trust me, but I swear I never had sex with Willow and that's why it's so confusing. We told each other it was hormones that made us kiss, but in hindsight, it's like, if that's true, why didn't we have sex? We weren't even just limiting each other to just kisses, there was no urge for anything more. I once told you I was a 17 year old boy and that looking at linoleum could make me think about sex and it's true! Did you know if you look at it just right you can see shapes in it? Breasts and other things and that leads to thinking about touching and you get the idea."
"But there was none of that with Willow?"
"There wasn't, not a bit. Unless she was touching my hand or brushing her leg against me and then it was just wanting to kiss, nothing else."
"Than if it wasn't sex, what was it? What made you screw us up?!" She demanded angrily.
"I considered the idea that maybe it was being afraid of turning out like Tony and maybe hurting you if I did, but I didn't actually think that and if I did, why wouldn't I talk to you about it? I told you everything, it's how you knew things Willow didn't know, like me sleeping outside on Christmas and why. So that didn't wash either and that makes me wonder if it was something I couldn't acknowledge consciously, you know subconsciously. Maybe I thought you'd eventually get tired of me and find someone who'd fit into your world and not embarrass you."
"But we talked about that! I told you I'm not embarrassed by you! You're not who I pictured falling in love with, to be honest, Wesley is the kind of guy I pictured, cultured and well dressed and mannerly and you know what, he's boring! We had one kiss and he kisses like a cold, dead fish. You can set me on fire with a kiss! But we talk and you listen to me. Wesley talks at me and never listens to me. And you never ask for anything! You save my life and I tell you anything you want, just name it and you blow me off. You bought my Prom dress and didn't even ask me for a dance! You lied to protect my pride when you found out my family lost everything! You could have destroyed me in return for everything I said and did after catching you kissing her! Why didn't you?"
"For the same reason the love spell failed, I don't want to hurt you. I told myself I did it because you hurt me, but in the end, I just couldn't do that to you, hell I couldn't do it to anyone, but especially you! I love you!"
The anguish in his voice and the pain in his eyes told Cordelia he was telling the truth. He really didn't understand why he'd behaved that way and he really believed he loved her.
"You hurt me." She accused.
"I know. I'm sorry."
"I hurt you. I'm sorry."
He sagged like a weight was falling off of his shoulders and then, right in front of her eyes, he rebuilt himself, he straightened his spine and his shoulders and looked her in the eyes. 'Gods, I've missed those eyes, I've missed the way he looks at me. So much emotion in his eyes, he never could hide anything from me in his eyes.'
"Can you forgive me?" He asked.
She thought about it, could she forgive him? "Not yet." She decided. "But I can let you back into my life, forgiveness will take time, because damnit, Xander, you mattered to me! What we had mattered! I dreamed about the future and it was you and me against the world! You were the one person I thought would never hurt me and you did. So forgiveness will take time, but I'm willing to give you that time."
"If we survive tomorrow, I'm planning on going on a road trip, I've never left Sunnydale. Would you like to go with me? Give me a chance to start earning your forgiveness?"
"I want to be an actress, Xander. If we do this, if we reconcile, I want to move to Los Angeles and live there. Would you live there too? I'm not saying with me, because forgiveness and rebuilding us has to happen first and we can't do that if you're in the Army."
"The Army isn't a dream for me, Cordy, it's an option. You're a dream, I'm willing to move to Los Angeles and work on being forgiven and building a relationship with you. A future and not just a dream."
"Then let's survive tomorrow, Xander and get started on the rest of our lives." For the first time in months, she smiled a genuine, full watt smile at him and Xander felt like his world was realigning and everything was finally right.