Alice awoke on the floor of her shower, confused and sore. (And also amnesiac, so she didn't know that she was Alice. But WE know that, don't we?) "Owie," Alice said, confirming with one word that this is an unserious fanfiction where she will be acting wildly out of character. She looked at the shower curtain she had pulled down with her. "Norman Bates, you out there, buddy?" she called out uncertainly. "I know you like shanking gals while they're in the shower, but I think you forgot the part where you actually stab me. Not that I'm complaining about that part."
She rubbed her head, trying to recall who, exactly, Norman Bates was and how she knew he was a prolific murderer, but the nerve gas (unbeknownst to her, but beknownst to us) had really done a number on her noggin. "Okay, did I actually scrub up before bonking my dome and getting Saturday morning cartoon-style amnesia?" She gave herself the sniff test, which was indeterminate. The fact that there was no hot water left was enough to persuade her to just get out and towel off. (She also reflected that, while she felt a little banged up, her head wasn't all that sore, which is something you'd expect if you hit your head hard enough to just 100% forget your identity).
In the bedroom (her bedroom?) there was a red dress laid out on the bed. "Fancy," she said aloud. "But I think I'll skip getting dressed. If anyone was at home, they would have come and checked on me, and if I have plans, I'll just get a doctor's note when I get my amnesia checked out." She ran the towel over herself one more time and tossed it into the corner, going bare-assed. (If this really was her house, she had every right to, anyway). (Also, this is comedy nudity, not sexual nudity, so don't get your hopes up for some porno action).
She saw a note on a nearby desk with a single sentence: "Today, all your dreams come true." Alice frowned and wrote "Even the ones where I'm back in high school and I have a test I haven't studied for?" The handwriting was clearly different, so clearly she wasn't the dream fulfiller. Was she the fulfillee? Was fulfillee even a word?
"I wonder if I have any other clothes," Alice said, going through the dresser. "Whites, whites, nothing but whites. God, what a boring bitch I am. Nothing but white clothes and one red dress." She reached the third drawer. "Oh, motherfucking jackpot!" she exclaimed, seeing machine guns locked behind a glass shield. She tried a few easy passwords — 0000, 1234, 6969, stupid shit along those lines — but Non Amnesia Alice had apparently chosen a slightly more clever password. "Bullshit!" Alice snapped, beating her fists helplessly against the safety glass (proving its worth by not shattering under her assault). "Give me the guuuuuuns!" She gave up after a few minutes to go explore the rest of the house.
As she walked through her house — which was becoming more and more apparent was a big, fancy, SPOOKY mansion — she began to regret her idea to stay nude. What if there really was a crazed killer in the house? Or, like, a monster, or a ghost or something? Her anxiety almost caused her to miss the picture — it was of her and some douchebag-looking motherfucker, a wedding photo. Alice looked at it, stared at the dorkus on the left, and gave a shake of her head. "Green card marriage, I think," she said aloud. "Zero attraction to this guy." She saw motion reflected in the glass of the picture frame and screamed in unbridled terror, turning and throwing the picture frame in one instant. It collided with an angel statue which had been wrapped loosely in a plastic sheet. Said plastic sheet had been rippling in the wind (what fucking wind? She was indoors!) and upon impact the glass in the frame shattered and sent pieces flying everywhere. "Fuck you, you stupid piece of shit statue!" Alice hollered.
She made a quick trip back to her room to grab footwear (not wanting to slice her feet open on the glass). She was hoping to find sneakers, sandals, slippers, but only found a pair of black leather boots that went up to her knees. "What, did my feet dress as the Matrix for Halloween?" she wondered. So, she slipped the boots on, still otherwise nude, and resumed her exploration of the house.
Finally she found the front(?) door and opened it, finding that the sidewalk outside was extremely ritzy, having a bunch of classical-style pillars supporting a roof. "If I'm so —" she began to speak, but then a shitload of birds startled and flew up into the darkening sky, cawing and chirping and shit. "FUCK YOU, BIRDS!" she screamed. "FUCK BIRDS, AND FUCK STATUES!" She stomped her booted foot. "ANYway, as I was saying, before I was so RUDELY FUCKING INTERRUPTED, you would think that if I'm so rich, I could actually afford more than one pair of shoes!" A gust of wind began to pick up and whip the leaves around. "Oh fuck I've angered the ghosts!" she screeched, retreating back into the house.
A man grabbed her once inside — not the man in the photo, thank God. "Are you in league with the ghosts?" Alice shouted. "Or is this a burglary situation?"
The man was running, pulling Alice along with him, unaware that she was nude, and didn't hear a word she said. "Move!" he shouted.
"Oh, kidnapping, cool!" Alice said, giving him a sarcastic thumbs up behind his back.
Bright light filtered through the windows, and moments later, halfway down the hall, a flashbang flew through one mere feet from them. It exploded, and the man threw the both of them to the floor, a misguided attempt to shield her from the blast.
"BOOBYTRAPPED HOCKEY PUCK!" Alice shouted.
"WHAT?" the man shouted back, utterly confused (and listening to what she was saying for the first time). He noticed her state of undress and rolled away from her in shock — just in time, as three heavily-armed badass special forces-types with body armor and gas masks burst in through the windows. Mysterious Stranger barely had time to rise to his feet and draw a gun before the soldiers disarmed him and ziptied his wrists together, ignoring his protests and claims of cophood.
"Hey, I know my rights!" Alice screamed, hands on hips. "The Constitution exists, damnit, and I demand to see your search warrant!" She too was on her feet, not wanting to be on the ground with all the broken glass now scattered about.
Another soldier dude walked in through the broken window, marched right up to Alice, and said, "Report."
"Okay, well, I woke up in the shower, I'm pretty sure I slipped and hit my head and have amnesia, this house is fucking haunted, that guy is possibly a burglar, or maybe working with the ghosts, and I fucking hate birds and statues."
The soldier — was he the head soldier? — stared at her uncomprehendingly until one of his subordinates spoke up. "Sir, the house's primary defenses have been activated. She's probably still suffering the side effects."
"Oh cool, I bought a house that can just give me amnesia?" Alice remarked. "Am I fucking stupid or something? Why didn't I spring for the package that sets off a five megaton nuclear warhead if a bird craps on the window?"
The head soldier ignored her. "What about the cop?" he asked another one of his subordinates.
"Matthew Addison," the guy said, looking at, Alice presumed, a database of police officers. "I'm not getting a match."
"I just transferred!" Matt argued. "They probably don't even have me on file yet!"
"The locals are inefficient, it's possible," said Database Guy (maybe, these assholes all looked alike to Alice).
"Should I secure him here?" one of the soldiers ask, and that voice snapped Alice away from the staring contest she was having with the head soldier's gas mask eyepieces. Something about it… something about it made her heart pump faster.
Head soldier guy abruptly pulled off his gas mask very dramatically. "No, we take him with us." He gave Alice a once-over. "Soldier, put some damn clothes on, double time."
"Oh, I'm a soldier? Cool!" Alice squealed. She started to make her way back to the bedroom — may as well put on that silly-ass dress — but stopped as she heard Matt protesting his treatment.
She turned around and saw the soldier — a woman, a woman unlike Alice had ever seen — pull off her own gas mask, lean down into Matt's ear, and snap out two magical words: "Blow me."
Alice was in love. More than that, she was in TRUE love. Whoever that woman was, it was clear to Alice that they were soulmates, destiny written in the stars themselves since the birth of the universe. God Himself would not be able to cast their union asunder.
Meanwhile, Rain shot a quick glance over at the crazy naked woman and wondered why she was staring at her. Why was it always the crazy ones who fixated on her?
XXXXXXXXXX
A few weeks ago, as I lay in bed one evening, my mind wandered to the old RE movies and, specifically, the sexual tension between Alice and Rain. And my brain immediately went, "Hey dope, make Alice a Chaos Goblin who immediately embraces her feelings for Rain in a really intense manner, this is gonna be funny as shit!"
I dunno if you, gentle reader, will find the following chapters funny as shit, but I had a blast writing them, and in the end, isn't that the only audience that matters? (It is if you're writing for free, hahaha!)
It was really fun rewatching the movie to write this (even though it involved a lot of start-stopping to make sure I properly grabbed the dialogue, and it was stretched out over the course of several weeks). I remark upon this in the story itself a few chapters from now, but I had to highlight just how fucking stupid it is for the Umbrella mercs to breach the house, knowing full well there's a biohazard situation occurring, and they TAKE OFF THEIR GAS MASKS IN, LIKE, TWO MINUTES. Like, come on, guys! Is it any wonder not a single one of you assholes survived? (To be fair, though, none of them actually died from airborne agents, but it's still a hilariously boneheaded move).
The title of this story is actually inspired by an author's username on Fanfiction dot net, 'ALICE IT'S RAINing'. They haven't posted anything in 14 years, but for whatever reason the name stuck with me, and I thought it'd fit with the vibe I'm going for for this tale. (Funnily enough, despite the pairing being the theme of their username, only two of their seven RE fics actually feature the pairing, haha).