Chapter 33: Blizzard
I had done it.
I had told Alex the truth. And it hurt.
I knew it was going to, but I had to tell her as soon as possible; I didn't want to give her false hopes. So, I explained to her where I was planning to go, and my reasoning for doing so.
She simply kept sitting on a chair in her room, looking down at the floor. At that point, I was subconsciously holding my breath, waiting for a reaction of any kind. I didn't know exactly how I was expecting her to react, but I couldn't have possibly imagined what actually ended up happening.
She nodded a few times, in a slow, sluggish manner, her eyes never straying from the birch planks that made up the floor. She later uttered a single word. It was almost anticlimactic, in a way.
"Go."
Neither her face, nor her hands, nor her voice betrayed any emotion. Deep down, as shameful as it may sound, I wished she had lashed out at me. I would have felt less guilt that way.
There were so many things I wanted to tell her at that moment. That I still loved her, even if it wasn't in the same way. That I was thankful for everything she had done for me. That I wished her the best. I wanted to ask many things, too. If she'd be okay with me visiting some time. How she was feeling. If she was going to be alright on her own...
But, in the end, I said nothing. It just didn't feel right to talk. At that moment, even though we were in the same room, it felt like an insurmountable distance separated the two of us. So...I departed without saying a word. She didn't say anything, either. We left each other's lives without even a goodbye, not knowing if we'd ever see one another again.
As I was descending the stairs to ground level, I assessed all the emotions that were coursing through me. Of course I felt pain, but somehow, there was also a subdued sense of relief. The choice was behind me now. All that was left for me to do was to reap the outcome.
A small part of me even found solace in the thought that at least I wouldn't have to hurt anyone else in that manner.
*ring-ring*
No... Please...
*ring-ring!*
It was Sunbeam. She was flying through the foyer, happily munching on a cookie. The moment our eyes met, she gave me a wave. Out of every moment of the day she could have picked to leave her room for a snack, she chose this one!?
I tried my best to mask how I was feeling, and put on a smile for her, but somehow, some way, she managed to catch that something was off. I didn't know if she had the ability to sense how I was feeling, or if I was just this bad at hiding my emotions.
With every flap of her wings, it became more and more clear that this confrontation would be inescapable. My only hope was that she'd take it well. Or, optimally, she wouldn't understand what I was going to tell her. Actually, would that even be better? I really could not tell...
Once she was within arm's distance, I mentally prepared myself.
"Sunbeam, listen..."
She was staring back at me with those star-bright eyes of hers. Cookie crumbs were sprinkled around her mouth. For some reason, that made things all the more difficult.
"I...am going away for a while."
"...?"
"...I don't know when...or if I'll come back."
At this point, she was looking at me, worried. A moment later, she clutched my tunic with a tiny hand, and started pulling.
"Forgive me, but I have to."
"...Ah?"
She let her cookie fall to the carpet, and started pulling me with both hands, with more force, but even with all her tries, it was still not enough to move me from my spot. I...couldn't take it anymore.
I gave her a tight hug, careful not to hurt her wings.
"Sunbeam, remember this. You are the most wonderful allay that has ever lived... and I love you."
I broke the hug, and saw that her eyes had swelled with tears. She tried to pull me one last time, but it was more feeble than her previous attempts. I brushed her silky hair, and planted a kiss on her forehead.
"Stay close to Alex, okay? Stay close to mom for me..."
I let go of her, and she slowly dropped to the floor, crying.
"Goodbye."
...
No matter how fast I would have bolted out of the entrance, I wouldn't have been able to escape the sound of her sobbing.
...
My running legs carried me all the way out of the forest, into the snowy plains. It didn't really matter to me where I was going, just that I needed to leave that place as quickly as possible. I couldn't see very well at all, because it was nighttime, and because my eyes were watery from that last farewell. But no matter how my heart ached, I didn't stop running.
The more I ran, the less of my surroundings I could make out, though because of my desperate state, I couldn't figure out why that was, until it was too late.
A snowflake landed on my face. A gust of wind blew my way. I darted my eyes upward and, from what I could see, the sky was overcast, so I was left in the dark, without the moon or the stars to keep me company.
My surroundings were so inky, I couldn't even see my cloudy breaths anymore.
As I kept going, I felt my throat go cold from all the frosty air I was inhaling, and as the wind grew sharper, and the snow started to fall faster, I knew I wasn't going to get warmer any time soon...
Regardless, I pressed on. I pressed on, even if my legs were starting to protest. With all the distance I had covered, going back was no longer worth it, so forward was the only direction left for me to go.
This forlorn biome lacked trees as far as I could tell, so even that shelter option wasn't available for me. I had to grit my teeth and bear the buffeting snowfall. So be it.
...
It wouldn't take long for me to start slowing down. I was growing exhausted, and my boots were starting to sink in the snow. Snowflakes had begun to pile on top of my tunic, and freezing water was now slowly seeping through. I didn't realize how cold I had truly gotten until my running was reduced to a mere walk. My teeth were chattering uncontrollably, and my body hair was on its end. My sweat felt icy.
I whipped out a torch, which didn't help much in terms of vision, but it did provide some comfort with its heat. But, even so, the torch was only so large, and I couldn't heat up my entire torso, let alone the rest of my body.
A shiver overtook me. My face was so cold, it paradoxically felt like it was burning, and the blizzard showed no signs of letting up. I didn't even know if I was getting any closer to the iceberg beach.
Was this...it?
Was this how I was going to die? Alone, buried under a blanket of snow, which would only grow heavier and heavier? After everything I had survived and everything I had learned... I just couldn't see a way out of this.
And what did I even have to show for my efforts? I probably broke at least one heart today for nothing. For a goal that would be permanently out of my reach...
...
No...
'No! I can't give up. I can't die! Not here! I must find Rana!'
With rejuvenated determination, or perhaps desperation, I took a step forward again. I could hardly feel myself in the midst of the frigid weather, but I was bent on going as far as I could. The ocean must have been close, it just had to be.
So, I focused on one step at a time.
One...
More-
I gave out.
With one flurry of wind, I fell on my back.
...
So much for that...
...
A shame, too. If it weren't for this day, I would have felt like my life, even with all the shake ups, was fulfilling. So much beauty...so much joy...
Wait...
'It feels like...
it's getting...
...
warmer...'
...
...
...
Soft. That one sensation overwhelmed me. No more cold. No more pain. Just a tranquil softness. If this is what the afterlife was like, then I wasn't going to complain...
...
Until the most violent of coughing fits took hold of me. It lasted for what felt like hours, and when it stopped, I found myself shivering non-stop. The surface beneath me creaked in response.
"Steve, can you hear me?"
My eyelids slowly raised, but it took a while for my vision to adjust. Once it did, I could make out...
"M-Matilda?"
"*sigh*, you really are the luckiest man alive."
After another barrage of coughs, I tried to assort my jumbled thoughts.
"W-what?-" My voice came out hoarse. Thankfully, she figured out what I wanted to say, because even speaking took too much out of me.
"Careful. You have hypothermia. I found you outside, unconscious in the middle of the blizzard, so I dragged you inside this igloo."
"H-how d-did you?-"
"'Find me?' You should thank boss for that. Hmm, I guess she's not technically my boss anymore...whatever. If she hadn't asked me to deliver a letter to you, you would have been a goner," she spoke in a slow, stern tone.
"What you did was very reckless. I took you for a cautious person, Steve. Although, I suppose everyone has their slip-ups every now and then."
I didn't respond.
"Rest. I'll stay with you until you recuperate."
I couldn't do otherwise even if I wanted to. Despite the thick, wooly bed cover I had been wrapped in, I was still shaking, and my throat felt as if I had swallowed a fistful of ice mixed with sand. Even with the protection the igloo offered, I still felt exposed and vulnerable. I could still almost feel the snow pelting me.
...
"Have some."
I forced my eyes open, and saw a bowl of what I believed to be mushroom stew offered to me. Matilda's gaze pressured me to accept, but I just couldn't find the strength to do so.
"You need to eat. You won't become warmer without nutrients. Come on."
As much as I wanted to bury my head in the pillow and not have to exert even the slightest effort, I knew she was right. So, with sluggish and sloppy movements, I supported myself with one arm, and took the bowl.
I downed its contents with a single gulp, and it was one of the most arduous things I had ever done. I hadn't realized that simply swallowing felt like gravel slicing my throat, so adding food of any kind to the mix only made for a bigger ordeal.
Once my insides stopped burning, I lied down once more, closed my eyes, and let sleep consume me.
...
...
...
I woke up after a while, but it was impossible for me to tell exactly how much time had passed. Judging by my slightly higher body temperature, however, I assumed I had been asleep for around a day. Some light was spilling through the igloo's single entrance, so it definitely wasn't nighttime anymore.
I wasn't feeling that much better, but there was some improvement nonetheless. All things considered, I was simply glad I was still alive. The thought of dying alone in the middle of a blizzard was honestly worse than dying to an iron golem.
In any case...
Matilda wasn't next to me at the moment, and I couldn't help but wonder where she could've possibly gone. No matter what the answer may have been, it's a good thing she found me when she did. I owed her for that.
On that note, I probably owed Alex, too, for her timing.
...Alex...
I shook my head violently to stop that line of thought, and the action caused me to wince. While I was at it, I decided to take my chances and check if I could at least sit up with proper coordination.
...
It was clear I needed more time to recover. I changed my sleeping position and tried to fall asleep once again.
...
A pattern of me waking up and falling asleep immediately afterwards had formed. I'd sometimes catch Matilda sitting next to me, or standing far away from the bed, though most of the time, she was absent. In either scenario, no words were exchanged between us.
I had lost track of the number of times this repeated until I started feeling moderately well. I'd need to rest for at least one more day before I could consider leaving the igloo's comfort, but I was getting ahead of myself.
I took a thorough look at the snowy structure's interior. It was fairly cramped, but that probably helped with insulation and temperature regulation. To be precise, it was five blocks wide, five blocks long, and three blocks tall.
The bed was located on the wall to the left of the entrance, while a crafting table and a furnace took up the wall across. In the middle of the two blocks was a redstone torch, which was bright enough to sufficiently illuminate the inside of the build, but not hot enough to melt it. Lastly, the floor was covered by white carpet.
Architecture aside, on top of the furnace were my clothes, which were laid out in order to dry. Matilda must have removed them while I was unconscious... A small part of me felt a little uncomfortable with the idea, but I knew that if she hadn't done it, I would have been far worse off.
Speaking of the prospect, I decided to inspect whether my exposure to the cold had caused me any further damage. I noticed that my skin was red near my fingers and toes, and while I couldn't see it, my ears and nose were probably red, too.
Well, unless there were some more serious marks I simply couldn't see, I'd say frostnips were a rather generous punishment, especially if the fact that I could have just as easily died is to be taken into account.
'Even now, I almost can't believe I actually survived...I really am the luckiest man alive.'
In hindsight, running straight into a blizzard without taking cover was without a doubt the single most stupid thing I had ever done. I knew I probably shouldn't have been so harsh on myself, considering the events that had occurred prior, but still. This was going to be a lesson I was never going to forget.
I threw the covers off, and reached for my clothes. In the time it took for me to get dressed, I heard a creaking sound coming from my left. Matilda climbed up, through an oak trapdoor. She was just as surprised to see me, as I was to see her.
"Oh, hello, dear. Are you feeling any better?" she eventually asked.
"A little. Not enough to get going, though," I clarified, as I was putting on my tunic.
"Yeah, no offense, dear, but you sure don't sound ready to get going," she observed.
I placed a hand on my throat in a self conscious manner. Still rough... As I sat on the bed once again, I tried to think of something to say, but I couldn't settle on which topic to address first. In the end, it felt right to focus on the following:
"Matilda, how can I repay you for everything you've done for me?"
"By 'everything', what are you referring to exactly?"
"Isn't it obvious? *cough* For saving my life and staying by my side!"
"I didn't do all that for the prospect of getting something in return..." she pointed out dismissively.
"Which is another reason why I must repay you," I doubled down. "You stood by me for so long, just to make sure I was alright, even though you had no obligation to do so."
She placed a hand on her chin, but ultimately said she'd think about it, before changing the subject.
"This is the letter boss wanted me to deliver to you. You seem to be in better shape, so you should probably read it."
She handed me a sheet of paper that was bound in a leather cover. I felt a sense of dread brew within me once the last conversation I had with its sender resurfaced in my mind. What did she even want to tell me? Only one way to find out...
I opened the case, and saw a four paragraphs long note. The handwriting was relatively easy on the eyes, so it was probably not written with coal. Perhaps a quill of some kind... Anyway, enough stalling. I started reading.
Dear Steven,
Words cannot adequately describe all the conflicting emotions that are going rampant in my head, but I feel the need to write this anyway. To write what I couldn't tell you as you were leaving. I may regret this down the line, but the way things stand, I feel like I have to.
When I saw you leave my room, it felt like my heart was torn in half. I wanted us to be together so much... And the worst part is, I didn't actually have any hopes of that coming true until we slept side by side at the camp. I suppose it wasn't meant to be, in the end.
That said, if I had to relive our last moments together, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't have stopped you. I loved you, Steve, and a part of me still does, but you wanted to leave. That's why I'd still let you do just that.
Somewhere, deep down, I hope you'll come back home some day. A part of me wants to ask you to visit us from time to time. It would certainly make Sunbeam happy to know you didn't abandon her. At the same time, another part of me never wants to see you again. I'm sorry, but I can't do this.
Take care, wherever you'll end up.
-Alexandra
...