Wormboy
Summary: Inconveniently, Gaara finds himself smitten with his friend, Naruto, who is straight. Or is he? NaruGaa, KankuGaa, KankuKiba.
Trigger warnings: Incest, violence, mental illness, sub-personalities, dubious consent at times, non-graphic yaoi, non-graphic mentions of non-con, and all that jazz. But I promise there'll be lots of love and hugs as well.
Disclaimer: I don't own 'Naruto' and I don't make any money with these writings.
A/N: This story has similar themes to my other stories "Hunger" (it was about abuse) and "Schizotypal" (it was about mental illness). This story has those same themes, but in addition of the experience of sub-personalities, if that's what they're called. It'll be 29 chapters in total, every chapter is already written and I hope I can update regularly.
Something always remains the same, even though everything changes. If I don't write about this, who will?
If you like long-winded, cyclic rollercoaster drama stories with dark themes and hugs and comforting, then this story might be for you.
(There are friends who I haven't responded to in a long while, and if any of you are reading this, I want to apologize. A lot of things have been happening, and I've been exhausted. I'm very sorry, and I feel ashamed. I wish all the best for you all.)
CHAPTER 1: The Amazing Naruto
At the local pub, one redheaded Gaara Sabaku eyed his longtime blond friend, taking a sip of his soda.
There was the saddest glint in Naruto Uzumaki's blue eyes. His blond hair shone vividly under the lamp like golden meadows, and his tanned skin was smooth like those ancient bronze statues mortals eternalized their gods into.
"I can't believe Sakura did it, behind my back!" Naruto sighed, disappointed at his ex-fiancée, and took a desperate gulp of his gin and tonic. "After eight months, can you imagine? We were just about to get married and move in together. I had a ring looked up as well."
"She's a fool, to let go of someone like you," Gaara consoled.
The blond sighed and smiled shortly at him. "I know. You're a real pal, Gaara. I know I can trust you. Sorry I'm ruining your evening with my mood."
"Hey, that's what friends are for," Gaara murmured and squeezed his hand, and for some odd reason, the gesture felt daring. Quickly, he retreated, and sipped his soda again to hide himself. If he wasn't driving, he would've ordered something stronger.
Now the sad, blond seraph stared longingly into his glass. "My foster-parents were so excited about her. They're dying to become grandparents. Ah, well."
"I had no idea you wanted to be a dad someday," Gaara frowned, and Naruto just smiled wistfully.
"They've been talking about grandchildren for years already. They've even saved up money for them, and bought toys and other supplies," Naruto chuckled.
"They've bought toys for their unborn, maybe eventually nonexistent, grandchildren?" Gaara repeated, eyes wide.
Naruto shook his head, knowing how crazy it sounded. Endless sorrow pooled in his cobalt eyes, and he ordered another gin and tonic from the bartender.
After getting his order, he sipped it, and let it sink. Feeling encouraged, Naruto turned confidentially to Gaara, and whispered. "She told me she couldn't feel me. She said she felt like she was just an accessory in my life. A façade."
"I had no idea. You guys always looked so happy, and you're such a heartfelt person, Naruto. It's difficult to imagine those accusations," Gaara wondered.
But Naruto only smiled a sad little smile, and didn't reply.
After some minutes of silence, the sorrowful blond gulped down the rest of his second drink, and ordered a third gin and tonic. "You know, Gaara, you're the only person in this world I can trust."
Gaara gazed into the depths of Naruto's drunken eyes, at the handsome face of his angelic friend, and a sly, feminine feeling overcame him, like a second skin he couldn't shake off. As confusing as the experience always felt, he let it happen within himself. Gently, he leaned closer to the handsome, tall blond, and held his hand. He caressed Naruto's palm in an understanding way, admiring how hot his tanned skin felt. He truly was god-like, as the sun itself.
"Maybe it was meant to happen," Gaara suggested, looking cryptically at Naruto. "Maybe it wasn't meant to last, so that the right person could come into your life."
"My little poet," Naruto chuckled, and stared a little bit too intensely at his friend.
Gaara blushed, and pulled his hand away, feeling exposed.
"N-Naruto, you're an amazing guy. You'll find someone who's connected with you," Gaara breathed, with a meaningful gaze.
Now it looked like the amazing Naruto was blushing, or maybe it was only the alcohol's doing. He fiddled with his glass and straw nervously, until he spoke again.
"If only it was that easy." There was that familiar, lively sadness in Naruto's vibrant eyes again, even if he tried to smile it away.
"Come on, things will work out," Gaara encouraged, captivated by Naruto's sorrow. It was overflowing and hidden at the same time. He had seen it so many times during the time they had known each other. What was it that made that emotion surface time after time?
"Bartender, another one," Naruto ordered, and Gaara touched his arm gently.
"Hey, don't you think you've had enough?"
"But I need one more," the blond whined, begging.
Gaara gave in, he couldn't say no to those puppy eyes. "Alright. But after that, I'll drive you home."
"Thanks, Gaara," Naruto smiled, and leaned closer to hug him. "You really care about me."
It felt suddenly hot in the room, and guiltily, Gaara hugged back, until the tension grew too great, and he ended the hug. Flustered, he straightened his clothes, and avoided eye contact.
"L-Look," he stuttered weakly, feeling oddly feminine, scared that it was somehow visible on the outside as well. A distraction. That was what he needed. "Eh, didn't you mention a while ago that your old high school sweetheart messaged you, what was her name again?"
"Oh, you mean Hinata Hyuga? Yeah, she did," Naruto shrugged, and gulped his drink.
"So…?" Gaara nudged him verbally.
But the blond was only swaying a little, with a faraway look in his eyes.
"So… maybe you should message her back?" Gaara suggested, ignoring the jealousy in his heart, but it looked like Naruto didn't even hear him.
"As far as I remember, she was a nice girl," Gaara continued his monologue, when suddenly Naruto gripped his chin, and leaned closer, smiling, with an oddly intuitive look in his eyes.
"You're sweet. A real sweetheart, did you know that?" Naruto muttered and chuckled drunkenly. "If only—"
"OKAY," Gaara cut him off abruptly, as something changed behind his eyes, and he straightened up, defensive. As if he had gotten a fright, and the feminine feeling went hiding, and it was now up to him to handle the situation.
But Naruto seemed oblivious to all of this. He swayed in his chair and looked way too happy. Gaara felt like smacking him in the head, to make him sober up.
"Uzumaki," Gaara growled mercilessly, with narrowed eyes, "Get your act together, now. We're leaving. And you better not throw up in my car. You know I'll murder you if you make a mess."
Air-headed Naruto chuckled drunkenly at the threats, and almost fell flat on his face as he was scrabbling up from his chair. Gaara sighed, and took a hold of him gently.
"Alright, blondie, here we go," and then he escorted Naruto out of the pub.
The drive to Naruto's apartment went fast. As a good friend, Gaara saw him at his home.
"Would you stay?" Naruto tempted him. There was that mysterious sadness screaming in his eyes again. "We could talk."
Gaara narrowed his eyes, scowling. "You're drunk. You talk silly. We'll hang out when you've sobered up."
"Aww, come on, Gaara. I don't wanna be alone on a night like this," Naruto whined, his big blue eyes wide and begging. When it had no desired effect on the stone-cold redhead, his gaze narrowed and something sly began to swirl in the blue depths. "Please stay the night. We will have a good time."
Gaara didn't budge, and only rolled his eyes at the simpleton. "No, you fox. You're gonna go to bed, and sleep the alcohol away. After that, we'll talk."
"B-But I feel nauseous, and dizzy. I—I don't know if I c-can do all that, all by myself," Naruto breathed, touching his forehead, swaying a bit.
"Yeah, yeah. You're not fooling me," Gaara barked.
"But I'd feel better if you were there, by my side," Naruto kept on luring, like a sinful siren.
Gaara wasn't immune to Naruto's little tricks. Hotness swelled inside him, and like a magnet, he felt drawn to the annoying blond. But a part of him knew that some things could never be.
"What would your foster-parents say, if they saw you now? Would they be proud? They would tell you to pray hard," Gaara reminded, and Naruto's face lost all color. "You should text Hinata back. They would love her, I'm sure of it."
Naruto looked like he had been stabbed. There was that time-old sorrow again, overflowing and hidden at the same time. Defeated, the drunken blond forced himself to smile. It was a sad little smile that convinced no one.
"You're right, Gaara. I'm sorry. I'm drunk. Let's talk tomorrow. And thank you for the advice… I'll… eh, I'll go to bed now," Naruto stuttered, a fake smile plastered on his face.
"Good," Gaara only nodded, and left, with a strange sorrow on his shoulders. He tried shaking it off, but it sat there tightly with its claws.
A skeleton of a portable garage having collapsed down upon a rusty van. Forests and fields on both sides of the road, always and everywhere you went. Shabby small houses with lifeless chimneys but raked yards. Their darkened windows like eyes shut. A spirit concealed.
He was driving. Or was it she? The outlines of him blurred — where did one end, the other begin? Hologram of a spirit concealed, like those houses. Was his flesh just a seashell, an armor?
At home, Gaara slumped on the couch. Oh, the amount of tiredness. A few times in his life, he had experienced a pleasant fusion. He felt like his true self, in a way that all the sides of his psyche fused into one coherent personality who remembered, who carried all his feelings in balance, who was filled with love for each part of himself. Fleeting, but the emotion of having been loved unconditionally lingered for a bit longer.
He loved the experience – but quickly the connection was lost. Once again, he was just another side of a dice, feeling like something essential was missing. He didn't remember, maybe he didn't even care to. Maybe it was all just a complex delusion, and he wondered if there was a drug in this world to fix him.
Kankuro, his older brother, peeked into the room. "Oh, you're finally home. You look distressed. Did something happen?"
"No," Gaara quickly denied.
Kankuro narrowed his eyes knowingly. "Alright. I believe you."
"Naruto and I were at the bar," Gaara sighed, twiddling with his sleeves. "His girlfriend left him. He drank too much."
"And let me guess, then he finally made a move on you?" Kankuro grinned.
"No!" Gaara looked horrified, like he was offended by the mere suggestion. "He'sstraight."
"So you keep saying," Kankuro shrugged.
"He already has a new girl in sight. His old sweetheart," Gaara explained, crossing his arms.
"Does he? Hmm, that's a surprise," the brunet muttered.
"It's not a surprise, he's into women, you dimwit," Gaara snapped, and took a decorative pillow from the couch and smacked his brother with it.
"Hey, I get it," Kankuro yelped, shielding himself with his arms. "Besides, you have a boyfriend already. You wouldn't be interested in him anyway."
Gaara stopped his fight and stared at him hollowly. "That's true. I wouldn't."
Kankuro evaluated the sad way his brother just sat there. With a quick move, he grabbed the pillow and smacked Gaara with it.
"Who's a dimwit now, loser!"
"You're childish," Gaara snapped, gripping the pillow and now they were both tugging at it, trying to win.
"You're not gonna win me," Kankuro provoked, with a smug smile.
"I'm totally gonna," Gaara promised, and wrenched the pillow all to himself.
"H-Hey," Kankuro gasped, as the redhead pummeled him with the small pillow, with fervor he hadn't imagined. "S-Stop! And fine, you win."
With one last smack, Gaara threw the pillow at Kankuro's chest, and stared at him. There was a defeated, pained look on the brunet's face, and it made Gaara frown.
Why did it feel so familiar?
Still in the evening, Gaara was feeling a bit disturbed. He couldn't tell what especially it was, that made him feel that way. Maybe it was just the stress from the past days?
He lay down on his bed, and closed his eyes.
It was a memory from his childhood. Could he trust it?
He and Kankuro were playing in an upstairs room. The adults were downstairs.
"Hey, let's play Biker Mice from Mars," Kankuro exclaimed. "I'll be Modo."
"And I'll be Vinnie," Gaara snickered, feeling like a superhero already.
"Why wouldn't you be one of the bad guys this time?" Kankuro suggested.
"I don't wanna be a bad guy. I think Vinnie's way cooler. The bad guys are lame!" Gaara refused.
"Come on, I think you'd make a great Pit Boss," Kankuro pondered. "He has a cool whip."
"No, he's lame!" Gaara scoffed. "I'll be Vinnie. What now?"
"Fight me," Kankuro urged, holding up his small fists.
"Okay, here comes!" Gaara yelled and lunged at his brother. They scuffled and rolled on the floor. Kankuro got the upper hand, and Gaara was losing the battle quickly. With his last strength, he freed himself from Kankuro's grip and landed on top of him, stopping his hands from moving.
"Haha, I won!" Gaara rejoiced. "And you're a loser," he jeered.
"And you're a loser," Kankuro mimicked mockingly but didn't move a muscle to fight back.
Gaara got up and danced around the room. Kankuro remained on the floor, calm and defeated.
"So what do we play next?" Gaara asked triumphantly.
"Gaara," Kankuro whispered, and it got his little brother to quiet down. Gaara sat down next to him to listen.
"Let's go to the closet," Kankuro suggested, and together, they entered the large walk-in closet where old suits, mattresses, carpets and small furniture were kept. For a child's imagination, it felt like another world full of interesting, ancient relics.
Kankuro dug his way through the junk to a hidden corner, and lay down on a mattress. Gaara followed him with excitement, feeling like an explorer. It was a safe nest in another dimension which no adult had a knowledge of. It was dark in there, as the small window the closet had, was covered with a flower curtain.
"Rape me," Kankuro suggested.
Gaara sat still, quiet, surprised. He had no idea what it really even meant.
"Do I have to?" he finally squirmed, unwilling. He had no idea what his brother wanted him to do. It seemed that Kankuro understood his hesitation.
"You can do it with your finger," Kankuro instructed.
"Can we play something else?" Gaara tried, but his brother only stared at the ceiling, mute and unmoving, with a hollow look in his eyes. It felt like he couldn't escape the situation, and it caused anxiety in him.
"I don't remember Vinnie doing anything like that," Gaara muttered, feeling awkward. He lay on top of his brother, and put his head on his chest. Oh, how steady heartbeat his older brother had — it was comforting to listen to. And oh how he radiated warmth — the warmth felt safe. But the way he was quiet and expectant, felt ominous.
Gaara didn't move. He didn't know what to do. More than anything, the situation felt frightening.
"Aren't you going to do it?" Kankuro urged.
"In a minute," Gaara bought some time.
The memory sort of ended there, but if he remembered correctly, nothing ever happened after that. At some point one of the adults must've come upstairs and their secret, awkward moment probably came to an end.
Maybe it was a few years later, or in the same summer, Gaara couldn't be sure, they were in the playhouse on the yard. A similar thing happened, and Gaara felt frozen in time, as he lay on top of his mute brother, reluctant to do what was asked.
They were playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that time. Kankuro was Leonard. Forever was the memory tinted with an image of an actual Leonard lying on the floor, and even today, it took Gaara some effort to tell apart that it hadn't been a green turtle there, but his own brother.
For the longest time, he had forgotten. It had been just another odd detail from his childhood that had no deeper meaning. Only in his twenties, had he remembered it again. The weight of the memory had started to grow.
What made it heavier was that they had never talked about it afterwards.
In the morning, Gaara pushed his memories away, but the strange sense of sadness sat tightly on his shoulders. The day went by, and Gaara meant to text Naruto and ask how he was doing, but couldn't get it done. He couldn't explain to himself why.
Kankuro seemed a bit odd and withdrawn, and chose to stay in his room in solitude for most of the evening. Gaara let him, but still he sensed that something was up.
In the evening, Gaara was in his room, trying to get things done, but finding himself constantly procrastinating. It was only when his phone beeped, that he broke free from his thoughts.
It was Naruto: "Man, what a headache. x_x You wouldn't wanna bring me some aspirin, would you? My memory feels a bit fuzzy. I didn't say anything weird, did I?"
But Gaara didn't have time to respond, as he heard something. He put his phone away, and hurried to Kankuro's room.
"Hey, what's up?" Gaara asked with a forced smile, hoping it would help.
With a sharp glare, Kankuro turned at him, as if evaluating his trustworthiness. "They're there. I can't go to sleep until they leave."
"Kankuro, you can go to sleep now, there's no one there," Gaara repeated tiredly, holding back a yawn.
"Can't you hear them? There are drunk people behind the window," Kankuro said and gazed at the curtains. "They have bad intentions."
"I can't hear a thing."
"That's because I have excellent hearing. We have to get them out of there," Kankuro decided. "They were talking about hurtingyou."
Distraught filled Gaara and his heartbeat was suddenly detectable in his throat.
"K-Kankuro… I promise no one will hurt me, or you tonight. We could go to sleep. There is no way that they can get to us," Gaara tried. "Here, come to bed. I'll keep watch."
"What if they come here? Do we still have that baseball bat somewhere near?"
"They are not coming here. They will go away soon, they have no business here," Gaara assured.
Cautiously, Kankuro lay down. Gaara put a weight blanket over his brother, and then lay down next to him.
"Get out of there!" Kankuro yelled into the night. "I bet Baki has let them there. He never cared."
"Baki isn't here, and I guarantee that we can rest now, nothing bad will happen," Gaara tried.
For a while, Kankuro kept on scanning the darkened room, but eventually, he closed his eyes.
Would a hug calm him down? Carefully, Gaara hugged Kankuro from behind, and soothed his arm through the blanket.
"I'm right here, everything's alright," Gaara promised. It worked, as Kankuro's breathing slowed down.
With his mind's eye, Gaara saw Leonard the Turtle in place of his brother. Somehow Kankuro's mute suffering reminded him of the boy who had been lying on the playhouse floor back then. Gaara felt an immense amount of empathy towards the green Turtle. Who knew what he had seen? With kindness, he caressed Leonard's arm. Maybe there was still something he could do to rectify the past. The images haunted him, and the older he got, the more devilish they became.
"I will always protect you, Leo," Gaara whispered.
The endearing term earned an amused laugh from Kankuro. "I know, Donatello. I didn't know you remembered."
"Dad made us nunchakus back then. They were super cool," Gaara recalled.
"Yeah, they were. Still remember the bruises they gave us," Kankuro laughed, as he remembered their clumsiness.
"Heh, we were so bad, but so full of excitement. Gotta miss those times," Gaara confessed.
"Tell me about it. Those were the days indeed," Kankuro agreed.
"Glad I got to share them with you, Leo," Gaara smiled.
"Hey, I can say the same, Don," Kankuro grinned.
With a small smile, Gaara hugged his brother more tightly.
The next day, Naruto texted Gaara again: "Hey, just wanted to apologize for my behavior that night. I hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable. I was overwhelmed because of Sakura, and I drank too much. I'm sorry."
Gaara sighed, and began typing his reply: "No worries, everything's cool. How are you holding up? If you're still feeling blue, we could go bowling, or something."
"I'm alright. And I texted Hinata, like you suggested," was Naruto's message.
Gaara stared at the words. Stared, in silence, until he saw nothing more but blur.
Eventually, he replied: "Good."
Gaara closed his eyes. He wanted to walk into fire, and feel his skin burn off.